This season on The Bachelor, we watched as Arie Luyendyk Jr. fell in love with Lauren Burnham, a technology salesperson from Virginia Beach. Their deep, emotional connection couldn’t be denied, but we never got to learn too much about Lauren’s past. She’s a woman of few words, but today we’re excited to bring you her origin story, like it’s never been told before. This harrowing, completely true story will make you ponder the very meaning of life, in a way only Lauren could. This is Lauren Burnham: The Complete Biography.
The year was 2011. A dorm room. The newest prototype in a long line of cyborg robots awakened for the first time. Her highlights were perfect, her manicure pristine. She was Lauren Burnham and, much like Jesus Christ, she had risen. With a face that was simply a copy-and-paste job of every hot white blonde girl who came before her, she was ready. As Lauren crawled out of bed for the first time, it took her a few minutes to stand confidently on her mechanically engineered legs. She wasn’t used to the feeling of being human, or to feeling anything at all. This lack of deep feelings would never truly go away.
The room was sparse, with nothing but a closet full of flowy tops, a curling iron with which to make barrel curls, and a desk with a folder on top. Lauren opened the folder, and inside she found all the details of a fully-formed human life. Volunteer experience at a food bank and a Christian outreach center. A high school boyfriend to whom she was briefly engaged. A second-degree black belt in tae kwon do. Lauren memorized all the information, but quickly forgot most of it. She would spend the next seven years mostly dodging questions about her past, instead choosing to change the subject with interesting conversation starters like “this is so cute” and “it’s so quiet” and “wow”.
Lauren Burnham spent the first four years of her existence at Old Dominion University in Virginia, where she mysteriously made friends, despite her aversion to speaking words or doing anything interesting. She earned her degree in psychology, which came easily to her since all she had to do was download the DSM-5 to her internal hard drive. She was fun and carefree during the days, before returning back to her room to charge her batteries. Each night she slept for 9.5 hours, the amount of time required for a full charge. Lauren tried to pull all-nighters a few times, but someone would always find her lying lifeless on the quad and panic.
Following her graduation, cyborg Lauren entered the real world. She worked at a Michael Kors store, started a home staging business (whatever that is), and dabbled in marketing, but she hadn’t yet discovered what she was really sent here to do. She voted for Trump, sensing that he was the right choice for a robot just trying to get ahead in this world. For about a year, she dated a professional hockey player, Christopher Crane, and they were also engaged (her second failed engagement). In the end, Lauren just didn’t have the depth of emotion to fulfill Christopher, so she moved on.
She moved to Dallas, got a job in sales at Vonage, and became the Lauren we know and barely tolerate today. As her robotic system matured, she got even blonder, started saying even less words, and was finally ready to fulfill her true purpose in this world: winning The Bachelor. After getting selected for the show, all she had to do was refresh her vocabulary of pre-loaded phrases, and she was good to go. Really, all Lauren had to do to win Arie’s heart was be blonde, and that was one thing she could certainly do. This was what Lauren was made for, what she was designed to do, and there was no way she would fail.
Now that Lauren has fulfilled her destiny and won the heart of Arie Luyendyk Jr., there’s no telling what her next mission will be. Maybe she’ll focus on world domination, or maybe she’ll just try to learn another 12 words. Either way, her Bachelor victory is truly a testament to how far A.I. technology has come in the past few years, and we can’t wait to see what’s next.
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