A Bro’s Ranking Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestants

I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 31-year-old single comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.

This is my annual preview for the season. In the past, I’ve made massive assumptions about each of the contestants based on their one-line bio and headshot. This year, each contestant has done a small interview. So, instead of insulting the contestant based on preconceived notions about their town and face, I’m going to do it based on what they’ve said and their face. It’ll be like receiving a screenshot of a Bumble conversation followed by that person taking a dump on their soul. I’m taking the dump, you guys send me the “LOLs” over Twitter or Instagram. Let’s have a fun season.

Rachel Lindsay

Rachel Lindsay

RACE BLAH BLAH RACE BLAH BLAH PROGRESSIVE. I get it. You get it. We all get it. There’s going to be a lot made about our first black Bachelorette. But I’m assuming you guys never watched The Bachelor/Bachelorette with a social agenda. If you did, you’re exhausting. I know I didn’t. I watched to see a bunch of people make fools of themselves trying to marry one person they’ll probably never marry.

I liked Rachel last season but I didn’t really get to know her. I felt like I knew JoJo. We watched her crash and burn on Ben’s season and that made us cheer for her to find a guy. Well, she found a guy named Jordan who she shares jeans with, so we kind of won. But Rachel always felt pushed down our throats. She got the first impression rose before we knew her name, had one date with Nick in New Orleans that felt like a movie about an interracial couple breaking all the rules during segregation, and then got announced as the next Bachelorette before she was even kicked off The Bachelor. Rachel was fine but she only ever made me think, “Her dad is literally the same guy as Uncle Phil.”

Let’s see who’ll try to bang her…

Adam, 27, Real Estate Agent

Adam Bachelorette

Adam has that “Too eager to hook up with his first black chick” look DOWN. He was also asked, “What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why?”  And he answered, “Threesome. It was my birthday.” Let’s break that down. Yes, it’s very dumb to say “Threesome” when asked about a romantic gift by a producer for a show where you might meet your wife. But it hits next level dumb when he doesn’t realize they’re asking why the gift was romantic. If he’d have said, “Threesome, because two women giving me a blowjob was my mom’s dying wish and my girlfriend at the time knew it would make me feel better on my birthday” then we’d be like, “Oh he’s just a dumb asshole.” Instead, he answered why he got a romantic gift in the most literal way and now I’m very excited for Adam interviews.

Alex, 28, Information Systems Supervisor

Alex

There are three questions in Alex’s interview that come together to create a scary character profile:

What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander
Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles … Can’t really think of a third one. Music isn’t a big part of my life.

So this guy has no emotion, won’t apologize, can’t name a third band or musician he likes, and, for some reason, ate a salamander. That feels like the profile of a guy who came on The Bachelorette to murder someone. “Where’s Alex?” someone will ask. “Oh he’s just hanging in the bushes eating a lizard in silence.”

Anthony, 26, Education Software Manager

Anthony Bachelorette

Anthony’s interview reads like someone who’s going to do well. Rachel is a lawyer so she’s smart. Well, Anthony talks about books he’s read, teaching English abroad, and getting a Fulbright Grant to teach in Africa. He also says he’s “the laid back one that turns into the party starter as the night goes on” which translates to, “I’m fun when I get drunk.” I think he’s going to be the guy Rachel knows is “right for her” who will never make her cum.

Blake E., 31, Aspiring Drummer

Blake Bachelorette

At 31, his job is, “Failed Drummer.” Not a contender. Let’s move on.

Blake K., 29, U.S. Marine Veteran

Blake K Bachelorette

Servicemen always get an extra couple of weeks on The Bachelorette. Plus he mentioned his dad died in his interview. Blake will get all the chances an Asian marine with a dead dad can get, which honestly isn’t many. Asian men don’t fare too well in this competition. Go ahead and ask…. oh ya, there isn’t one Asian guy from a past season you can remember.

Brady, 29, Male Model

Brady Bachelorette

Brady looks like he’s never made eye contact with a person of color, never mind dated one. He was also asked to describe his top 3 least favorite things to do on a date and answered “Paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn’t speak English.” Imagine THAT date. A guy splits the tab at dinner then takes you home in an Uber where he keeps saying, “They should learn the language” loud enough for the driver to hear and then tries to bring you home under the bullshit argument that he “hates goodbyes.” I hope Brady gets the Fit Tea endorsement he came for, because he isn’t winning.

Bryan, 37, Chiropractor

Bryan Bachelorette

Bryan is 37, which is too old to be doing this for fun. It’s actually an age where coming on The Bachelorette is a bit crazy. Let’s get real. He’s not marrying Rachel and this whole thing takes like a year. Then he’ll do a year of club appearances, then another year of him realizing the whole Bachelorette thing has worn off. So now he’s 40 with no wife or kids or fame. Going on The Bachelorette at 37 is taking a trip to Neverland so he never has to grow up.

Bryce, 30, Firefighter

Bryce Bachelorett

The shape of Bryce’s head is really unfortunate. I think it’s that way because it has to fit his brain, which is full of the douchiest answers to interview questions I’ve ever read. Here’s one:

What’s the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Handwritten letter. I feel like handwritten letters are one of the purest forms of materialized emotion.

Imagine someone saying, “Materialized emotion” to you in person. You can’t. Nobody would actually say that. I’m telling you. It’s a rectangle head thing.

Dean, 26, Startup Recruiter

Dean Bachelorette

Dean has a tattoo on his inner lip that says, “Righteous.” Which is one of those things that you read and you’re like “Come on, that can’t be true.” Then you see his picture and it makes total sense. Dean, I wish you the most righteous two weeks on The Bachelorette.

DeMario, 30, Executive Recruiter

Demario Bachelorette

After reading DeMario’s interview, you get the feeling that he’s going to come in with a lot of personality. Maybe a little too much. He mentions Jay Z and Beyoncé and Charlie Sheen and Britney Spears in an “I memorized some one-liners for night one” type of way. One answer is particularly troubling:

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? 100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let’s fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it’s 1999!!!!

Does he have a whistle that he brings to parties? I don’t think there’s anything more annoying. Can you imagine being at a party and a 30-year-old man can’t stop using his whistle to “get the party started?” I’d be in the bathroom looking for prescription drugs to mix with my wine.

Diggy, 31, Senior Inventory Analyst

Diggy Bachelorette

Let me introduce a scenario. Your dad is some big time judge. You’re a lawyer who’s broken the long-running lack of diversity on a TV show that’s been on the air for over 20 years. Are you ever going to say, “This is my husband, Diggy?” Let’s move on.

Eric, 29, Personal Trainer

Eric Bachelorette

I wondered how much the cast would change considering we are having our first black Bachelorette. Consider this question from Eric’s interview:

What is your favorite soft drink/juice? Green drink

As a white guy, I’m left with a lot of questions. What is green drink? Is that like asking me, a Jew, about Manischewitz? Is this a health thing since he’s a personal trainer? See? This is why having ethnic Bachelor and Bachelorettes is important. We all get to learn if we’re asking really racist questions.

Fred, 27, Executive Assistant

Fred Bachelorette

I think Fred will do well just because he looks like the lead from a Tyler Perry movie. Good looks are always helpful. My issue with Fred is that he’s a 27-year-old executive assistant who had the following interview question and answer:

What is your greatest achievement to date? My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school programs from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend.

This is one of those lies that a secretary says while they’re fighting with someone drunk at the bar. They over blow their “achievements” with some subtle wording that makes us believe they’re a bigger deal. The reality is, I don’t know a lot of CEOs with weekend degrees. This guy is a lot of fluff with no depth. I see him doing well because, again, he’s good looking and knows how to lie.

Grant, 29, Emergency Medicine Physician

Grant Bachelorette

Grant looks like he snuck out of his mom’s house to go on The Bachelor. He’s got a great job for this show until you think about how long he’d have to not be a physician. I guess those emergencies can wait. Grant has to grow his social media accounts while not having sex for a few months in a house with 15 other dudes. Hopefully Fred teaches him how to smile.

Iggy, 31, Consulting Firm CEO

Iggy

How douchey to you have to be to write on an application, “CEO?” Like, how big a boner does Iggy get while he writes those letters? He must climax on the O and then run to the bathroom to clean up. Writer’s note: I wrote everything above thinking I’d delete it after I read his interview because it was a little too graphic and I thought it could be funnier. Then I read his interview…

Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.

I’m too good at this.

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney

Jack Stone

Here’s the weird thing about Jack Stone: He’s the only one who used his last name. He’s also an attorney. If you know any attorney you know they think really hard about the cause and effect of every single one of their moves. He didn’t just accidentally put down his last name that happens to sound like a movie starring Tom Cruise when combined with his first name. I think Jack Stone is going to be a very entertaining character. I think he really doesn’t want to be an attorney anymore and sees a pile of Instagram gold at the end of this Bachelorette rainbow. Stay tuned.

Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive

Jamey

I got lost a bit in Jamey’s eyes. They’re kind. They’re so kind a lot of you probably put in his first name into the Facebook search since it’s spelled a bit different and maybe you two have a mutual friend. But Jamey isn’t winning. I’ll give you two interview questions that tell you why:

What is your most embarrassing moment? Getting caught masturbating.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I am trying to not make plans in life.

Girls love plans and they hate hearing you can find pleasure without them. Jamey better bring a lot of moisturizer.

Jedidiah, 35, ER Physician

Jedidiah

Jedidiah claims he built his parents a 5,000 square foot log home in Montana. That might be the most “Jedidiah” thing I’ve ever heard. I think Jed (I hope he goes by Jed) will do well despite his hairline.

Jonathan, 31, Tickle Monster (Yes, that’s what it really says)

Jonathan Bachelorette

I was going to talk about how Jonathan looks like the white guys who black comics impersonate when they make fun of white people. And that is still very true. Then I read his occupation. That’s the type of joke you make when the real joke is your actual occupation. It’s like when someone goes on Shark Tank and they start crying about Mami’s cancer and how hard they fought to get there and Mr. Wonderful is like, “What are the sales, bitch!?” So, I ask you Jonathan, what are the sales? Just write barista and let us deal with that however we want. You’re on The Bachelorette. It’s already sad.

Josiah, 28, Prosecuting Attorney

Josiah Bachelorette

I can promise you Josiah is going to do well. His interview got me wet and I didn’t think my body could do that. They have the whole law thing in common and look at these interview answers:

Do you like being the center of attention, or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? Center of attention. I’m a natural born leader and people draw towards me.

What is your favorite thing to do with your mom? Long phone calls

Remember when one guy said a threesome was romantic? Yea, this guy’s going to do well.

Kenny, 35, Professional Wrestler

Kenny Bachelorette

Yea, I had Kenny losing the minute I read “Professional Wrestler.” He’s going to be the first Bachelorette contestant to give autographs to other Bachelorette contestants.

Kyle, 26, Marketing Consultant

Kyle Bachelorette

Based on his first interview question, we aren’t going to like Kyle:

What are your three worst attributes? Don’t trust most people (trust is earned, not assumed), general disdain for perceived corrupt authority, I can be very blunt and outspoken, sometimes I don’t think before I speak.

This is the answer an asshole gives. It’s like the girl who always talks about how nobody gets her sarcasm and she scares guys away. No, Jessica, you’re unpleasant to be around.

Lee, 30, Singer/Songwriter

Lee Bachelorette

Let’s talk about Lee’s hair and this look in general. It’s like, “I’m not at all a part of the alt right, but I like their look.” Lee also said his mom survived the depression which means is mom is 800 years old and now I hope he makes it to hometown dates.

Lucas, 30, Whaboom

 

Lucas Bachelorette

So, of course I went and looked up what a Whaboom is, because I’m not a crazy person. And there’s already been a lot of talk about this contestant and the profession. Chris Harrison describes it the following way:

“It’s a lifestyle. It’s an essence. It’s who he is. It’s a noun, it’s a verb, it’s an adverb. You can be Whaboom, you can be Whaboomed, and you can Whaboom. You can call somebody a Whaboom.”

So, you got it, it means he’s an unemployed asshole. That’s a special type of unemployed. It’s like calling yourself an “Influencer.” You do it because “I have rich parents” isn’t socially accepted.

Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep

Matt Bachelorette

I don’t see it happening for Matt considering he named Justin Timberlake, Train, and John Mayer as his three favorite musicians and there couldn’t be a whiter taste in music. But most importantly is this interview question:

What’s your worst date memory? I went on one Tinder date a few years back. Right away I realized why I wasn’t the online dating type.

THAT’S his worst date memory?! I think about 50 girls reading this just lit themselves on fire.

Michael, 26, Former Professional Basketball Player

Michael Bachelorette

This is the type of guy we all joked that we would be getting with a black Bachelorette. And we joked about it so much that they probably had to choose one guy amongst the dozen or so former basketball players who submitted so that the joke wouldn’t be the reality. That makes me assume Michael is a catch. He also needs a second career and he’s watched Basketball Wives enough to know what keeps you on a reality TV show.

Milton, 31, Hotel Recreation Supervisor

Milton Bachelorette

I feel like being a black guy named Milton wasn’t the easiest. I half expect him to come out of the limo, do his introduction, then walk into the house and go, “I’m Milton,” followed by every black contestant laughing so hard that Milton asks to leave. The following interview question doesn’t help:

What is your greatest achievement to date? Dominating my basketball league after college. I was Kobe back then.

I hope all the guys are laughing at his name and he challenges the former pro basketball player to a game of one on one. I actually need this to happen. I need Milton to get Miltonned.

Mohit, 26, Product Manager

Mohit Bachelorette

Mohit isn’t winning. It’s just too much for the audience to take. The Bachelorette, whether you like it or not, is mainly watched by white women in the middle of the country. I’m not against Mohit marrying Rachel but I don’t think the audience is ready. But that’s kind of why I want Mohit to really troll everyone. If I were him, I’d come on and be like, “Hi, I’m Mohit. I’m a gender fluid Muslim. And if there’s not a third bathroom for me, I will flip out.” Then we’d get to watch Facebook explode.

Peter, 31, Business Owner

Peter Bachelorette

Business Owner is my favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette job title. “Hey man, what do you do?” is never responded with “I’m a business owner” because it would sound like you were an alien impersonating a human to investigate life on earth. He should just write “Future Instagram Shake Salesman LINK IN BIO” and be done with it.

Rob, 30, Law Student

Rob Bachelorette

The “Law Student” is my second favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette job title because it says so much. Here’s a guy who easily SOUNDS successful. He’s in law school, and he gets good grades and he talks about a future clerkship a bunch. But the dude’s 30 and he still hasn’t had a job. Law school was the perfect way to escape a life without grades and the ability to know exactly where you stand at all times. Now that life is about to end and the first chance he has to get a job he’s like, “I guess I’ll do this reality show.” I’ll start law school if this guy ever practices law.

Will, 28, Sales Manager

Will Bachelorette

I think Will is going to do well because he was short and sweet with his interview questions and he’s good-looking enough for Rachel to constantly say, “I need to get to know Will.” If he looked like a troll she’d be like, “That guy never talks, I don’t think he cares enough.” But Will is good-looking, so he’s going to get to be “Mysterious.” This is why good-looking people have no personalities. We let them off the hook. I mean, look at this interview question and answer:

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice.

You’re into it. I’m into it. But he was given a layup for something funny and new to say and he just said the thing that might be in a fortune cookie. Well, screw Will.

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