While for many, Halloween is a chance to show off their sluttier sides by dressing like the latest It Girls, you might be looking for a way to remind everyone that you are a sporty betch. Though might I add, do you really need to choose? Because with these sexy yet relevant sports costumes, you can both brag and dazzle the night away. Plus, sports-themed Halloween costumes are perfect for if you’re a sweaty dancer like I am!!! So adjust your jockstrap, juggle the ladies in your sports bra, and let’s help you get a touchdown (in bed) this Halloween!!
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader
This is one of my favorite group costumes for Halloween and a typical case of do I want to be them or fuck them? Or both? Now that’s a romance book I’d drop everything to read: two Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders falling in love ugh. Okay, I need to focus. Live out my [dirty] fantasy by dressing up as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader this year. All you need is a blue shirt tied, a white waistcoat, and white booty shorts. Then either purchase or DIY some pompoms — maybe a mop would work? Feel free to add a white cowboy hat or some rhinestones and break into a choreographed dance or drunkenly insinuate how good your moves are…
F1 Driver Costume
I can’t quite wrap my head around how sexy F1 drivers are. Because when you see people doing those race car things at arcades, they tend to…well, not be. Channel your speed machine by dressing up as an F1 driver for Halloween. You can go for an actual costume sold in just about every Halloween shop, or DIY it. Find a boiler suit, preferably red, blue, or black, and pair it with a helmet and baseball cap. If you really want to go full craft-mom, sew on some badges. Hey Alexa, play “Vroom Vroom” by Charli XCX.
Naomi Osaka at the US Open
I don’t think I will ever get over this outfit. On my deathbed, I will be clutching my granddaughter’s hand and mumbling about the green bows… Just kidding, I doubt any of my family would still be speaking to me by that point. So Naomi Osaka at the US Open is the ultimate homage to Brat Summer, which was a cultural movement at its best. You need a lime green tennis skirt or dress, paired with a fucking massive oversized bow. Like not just big, but MASSIVE. Then a cute lil visor as if you’re an old white man playing golf. Obviously I recommend carrying around a tennis racket, as it can double as a great serving tray when you buy a round of drinks for the girlies.
Simone Biles the GOAT
There is only one thing Simone Biles is better at than gymnastics, and that’s clapping back at the haters. I strive to be like Simone, only without the workouts, backflips, and impossible bikini lines. I strive to have the AUDACITY of Simone but in my body and [lacking] fitness regime. So this Halloween, dress up like the GOAT herself. Don’t worry, this doesn’t involve a leotard that might actually tear your vulva in two, it’s a goat costume!! Yes, we’re referencing her goat embellished leotards and general GOAT-ness by dressing as a goat. Then simply sling a couple medals around your neck, and the right people will get it. Also the hair has GOT to be in a slicked-back gymnastics bun.
Raygun
Look, people have a lot of opinions about Raygun at the Olympics, but you cannot deny that this woman has got confidence. I am riddled with impostor syndrome as a writer, and I yearn for even an ounce of her attitude and self-belief. She says she’s the best breakdancer Australia has to offer, and I have no desire to find out if she’s right or wrong. Instead, I recommend dressing up as her this Halloween and whipping out some of those viral moves. Go for a teal colored trackie set with some white sneakers, or you could settle for a polo shirt or boiler suit. Wear a matching baseball cap with what appears to be a sweatband under. Your hair should be loose, and your wrists adorned with more sweatbands. Then creep into every room and just starting doing the moves.
Will Levis and his mayo
There is no better costume for a mayo lover than Will Levis, quarterback for the Tennessee Titans, known for putting mayonnaise in his coffee — I am barfing at the thought. He’s the proud recipient of a lifetime’s supply of mayonnaise, and that will almost entirely be going to his coffee. For this costume, you can either go classic football player costume with a big jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise, or opt for the all-white ad form his bizarre mayonnaise-scented cologne — I literally don’t want to ask. Bon appetit, I guess?
Ellie the Elephant
Literally name a cuntier mascot, I dare you. Ellie the Elephant is revolutionizing the mascot industry. She is fun, flirty, playful, trendy, and just a girlie. The official mascot for the WNBA’s Liberty, Ellie is a stylish elephant performing fully choreographed dance routines. She does outfit changes, lip syncing, and slut drops. For this costume, you can get a full-on elephant costume and pair it with a liberty crown and high boots. Or you could paint yourself grey and match your clothes, braid your hair and dress to impress. You need a fully choreographed dance routine for this one so start rehearsing with the girls.
A’ja Wilson’s magic white tee
We’ve all got our superstitions, whether that’s black cats, magpies, or a simple white tee. It’s the latter for A’ja Wilson, who has unlocked the key to her MVP campaign success. The Aces have been struggling, which puts a lot of pressure on its centerpiece, A’ja Wilson. As a result she’s traded in her signature glammed-up looks, which transformed the tunnel walk into my fav fashion show, for a plain white t-shirt and various colors of sweatpants and shorts. The best-dressed player is now rocking the most basic look and using this to unlock success on the court. To get lucky yourself this Halloween, whip out her iconic set, and maybe bring a basketball just for a context clue. Let’s hope you score by the end of the night as well.
Travis Kelce
AKA Taylor Swift’s boyfriend, AKA tight-end for the Kansas City Chiefs. This is the perfect couple’s costume, especially if you don’t go for the traditional gender roles of it. But if you’re Taylor-less, ride this one solo and show everyone that you know NFL things!! Simply wear a red jersey with 87 on it and TIGHT white capris — yeah, I really mean tight, nothing should be left to the imagination. To really sell the whole Swiftie groupie aspect of the look, draw ‘13’ on the back of your hand or add a bunch of friendship bracelets.
The Muffin Man
@henrikchristians1 When bae is looking like a snack #fyp #olympics #paris2024 #olympictiktok #olympicvillage #muffins @Olympics @paris2024 ♬ original sound – mywatchhistory
Look, if you’re keen to show off your body but still seem funny and intellectual, this is the costume for you. Henrik Christiansen rose to fame not for his Olympic-level swimming, but for his uncontained love for the chocolate muffins served in the Olympic Village. He made numerous TikToks about them, and inspired a choccie muffin movement. To really commit to this costume, you just need speedos, a swim cap, goggles, and a chocolate muffin. Alternatively, go for a swimsuit, or a wetsuit. The chocolate muffin doubles as your drunk snack for later in the evening.
A League of Their Own
My sapphic sporty girlies, what are you even doing here? You know EXACTLY what your Halloween costume should be this year and every year. Obviously you should dress up as one of the characters from A League of Their Own. It’s ridiculously simple and you’ll find no easier way to notify the queer girlies that you’re down…to go down. A white skirt, a white t-shirt with the badge, a red cap, red high socks, and sneakers, boom, done. You’re so freaking welcome.
Pole Vaulter (and bulge)
The Olympics may be over, but this man and moment will live on forever in my brain as an intrusive thought squatting without ever paying rent. Anthony Ammirati is a well-endowed Frenchman who competed in the pole vaulting event at the Olympics. He unfortunately knocked over the pole with his… pole. This not only rendered him out at 5.70 meters, but made him go viral. Inform the world what you’re packing with this tight little fit and a big pole/stick. Or if you’re lacking down there, pack a bulge to give people a hint to who you are. Top it off with some jazzy sneakers and a fake snake tattoo on your arm — or get a real one, YOLO.
Ilona Maher
I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH AHHHHH. Okay, okay, obviously Ilona Maher needed a spot on this list, and the hard part was deciding which of her looks to recreate. There’s Ilona, the Olympian rugby player. There’s Ilona, the swimsuit model who graced the cover of Sports Illustrated and reminded us that there is so much beauty in strength. But I had to go for the clip that I’ve watched enough times to know off by heart: Ilona on Dancing With The Stars. More specifically, Ilona and her partner Alan Bersten performing a Salsa to the Dirty Dancing song. He lifts her, she lifts him, and they do THE FUCKING DIRTY DANCING MOVE AHHHHH. So, a black halter neck dress, preferably glittering and loose. A high, slicked-back ponytail with rhinestones. But I’ll let you replace the boring black shoes with something a little sexier, soz Ilona bby.
The Challengers trio
Since watching the film, I have dedicated myself to getting into a complex MMF love triangle just so I could recreate this costume at Halloween. Umm, I’m still working on it, so you go ahead without me for now. But obviously screw genders for this costume, anyone can be anyone, and it’s a great one to do with your chronically online besties. Tashi should wear a slay white tennis dress or skirt, with black sunnies and a high ponytail. Very demure, very mindful. Our lads are in variations of sporty, with t-shirts, sweatbands, and crew neck socks. Also feel free to recreate the 3-way kiss while you’re at it, if you feel like it, no pressure, no worries.
The Olympic shooters
Let me start by saying that I’m not pro-gun in the slightest, like guys, I’m European, we don’t even have that shit over here. Rather, I am pro-Internet memes. I think the Olympic shooters look so bad ass, and they use the guns as a sport, not as a way to settle duels. For our girlie, South Korean sharpshooter Kim Yeji, you’re going classic Bond villain. All black clothes with those Three Blind Mice sunglasses and a backwards black cap. Hot. For the dude, Yusuf Dikec of Turkey, it’s giving dad meets hitman. Grey hair, glasses, a white sports t-shirt, and tracksuit. Don’t give a fuck, that’s your last accessory for the costume.
Giorgia Villa and her cheese
OKAY FINAL OLYMPICS MENTION SORRY, I SWEAR I HAVE A WHOLE PERSONALITY. Everyone was focused on bulges and hitmen, while my attention was snagged by Giorgia Villa. The Olympic silver medalist and Italian gymnast is not only a cutie, but a cheese influencer. Yep, she is an ambassador for Parmigiano Reggiano and frequently posts pictures on social media with full wheels of the cheese. I have finally found my dream job!!! Wear a leotard and scurry around the party with a massive round of cheese, I guarantee you will make a lot of friends.
Bend It Like Beckham
To round off this list, we’re taking a time machine back to one of the best queer non-queer films about soccer: Bend It Like Beckham. Female soccer team, young Keira Knightley, and a British-Indian star grappling with her culture and expectations — chefs kiss. You could dress up in their white and red kit for a classic look. Or you could go for the ICONIC Jules look that I guarantee drove women out of the closet in hordes: blue sports bra, a million abs, thin headband, and white sports shorts — I’m drooling.
