The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

So I think we’re all about ready to mark down February 27, 2017 as the day the Bachelor producers officially gave up. It’s like they showed up to work, got a midday text from their ex, and then couldn’t concentrate anymore so they were like fuck it, one hour’s fine. It’s like when I tell myself I’m going to stay on the treadmill for an hour but then around 20 minutes in I decide that half an hour is the actual recommended dose of daily exercise and I barely ate today anyway.

Seriously, how did someone convince their supervisor that only showing one-third of the fantasy suite dates was a good idea? Did they forget that this is America and the founders guaranteed us life, liberty, and full two hour episodes of The Bachelor every Monday from January to May? At least we didn’t have to see Vanessa tho.

Vanessa Is Also A Fame Whore

Andi Stop And Chat

Andi actually just stopped by because she forgot her charger on their last fantasy suite date, but they’re going to play it off like this is some sort of conciliatory advice-giving sesh in a sad grab for ratings and book sales. At least now we know which of Nick’s Bachelor exes is the most fame hungry!

Nick: Last time you came to my door you dumped me on national television.
Andi: Lol that was so random.

Andi: Are you gonna fuck these girls?
Nick: Idk, depends how good they are at giving head.

Umm are we forgetting about the fact that Andi basically called Nick a crazy stalker on national television? And in her book? Yeah? K cool.


“Good luck, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love.”  – Things psychotic reality TV whores say. Also the texts my mom sends me before I go on a date.

So cute how we all got to witness Andi giving Nick her blessing to have sex with other people…years after they broke up. I think I just need to accept that logic and normal emotional boundaries aren’t a factor here.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

Rose Ceremony


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Later, Corinne. It’s so interesting how she talks like a little kid. “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I’ll make my bed next time I promise.”

Nick saying bye to Corinne smacked of the bro you were hooking up with who breaks the news to you that he’s seriously dating someone now, but you can tell from his tone of voice he’ll be back in a few months.

“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worship them and love them and support them. I am done trying to impress these men.” – Corinne, there was only one man.

Corinne Bachelor

Corinne is already assuming full nap position in the limo. She’s probably already texting her fuckboys back home.

And I want my Tomas Maier sweatsuit back!!!

What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run?

Finland / Raven

“I can’t believe I’m in Finland, being above the arctic circle is so cool because you only get a few hours of sunlight every day, which will surely obscure the girls’ views of my pathetic sex tears.” – Nick

Nick Viall

“Raven is the perfect combination of salty and sweet” ….so she’s like a trail mix?

Since there were no virgins this season, the producers has to get real crafty with the plot line and paint Raven as the orgasm virgin.

Raven Bachelor

Raven says “I’ve only been sexually active with one man” too many times for me to believe her. She is def a closet ho.

Raven: My big fear is having sex with him because the last guy I had sex with, I beat the shit out of with a stiletto

Okay I love you Raven but you dated someone for two years, sans orgasm or exchange of I love yous. I feel like this “relationship” she’s referring to is like, a week-long spring break bender in a frat house.

OMG Raven TMI you’re going to have sex for the second time with a guy that has a 66% chance of breaking up with you within the next 2 weeks, and you feel like you’re going to have an orgasm with him because he’s “someone you can trust”?

This is Nick in his turtleneck: 


Raven describes her love for Nick like a quality blender. “You make it easy to be around you. You make it easy to make a fruit smoothie.”

On second thought, I’m so happy this is over and now I can go watch a different set of psychopaths embarrass themselves.

Read: Nick Viall To Continue Whoring For Fame After The Bachelor











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