They say bad sex is like pizza—even when it’s bad, it’s still good. I say there are group text convos in my phone that prove otherwise. Sure, betches have an unparalleled ability to blow a guy’s fucking mind (among other things) in the bedroom, but there’s also nothing more we love than complaining about our notable laziness. I get it—we’re working women, and honestly, we’ve got shit to do and brunch to attend, but that shouldn’t be a reflection of our sexual performance.
I’m not saying it’s our duty to go full 50 Shades and call in the anal beads every time, but all a guy wants is for you to keep him on his toes, so that thing you love doing during sex where you just lay there might be the reason you can’t get a text back. I once learned from my therapist Pinterest that you get out of anything what you put into it. Obviously men worship our vagines like sacred tombs of Egyptian royalty, but it’s time we practice what we preached on our Women’s March signs and become mens’ equals. Guys may not share info down to every square inch and perfect curve like we do (STFU, yes you do), but to avoid being the subject of his “Send Dudes” group chat or Monday morning’s water cooler topic of choice, it’s prob best to avoid doing these things in the bedroom at all costs, and start giving credit where credit is due.
1. Starfishing
You’re better than this, and you know exactly what I’m referring to. As a college double major in Communications and doing the bare minimum (#braggingrights), I’ll be the first to admit that it’s only my dream to be able to kick back while he’s going to town. Shakira once told me that hips don’t lie, so if you’re gonna try to get away with doing even less than you do when binge-watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt all weekend, at least tilt your hips upwards to make it seem like you put in effort. He’s not down to have sex with a fucking corpse, and if he is, we’ve got bigger problems here.
2. Asking ‘Are You Close?’
Remember when you used to piss off your parents during long road trips to Grandma’s house and ask, “are we there yet” every 6 minutes, and they’d lie and tell you what you want to hear? Yeah, it’s fucking annoying. I’m not gonna lie to you and say that there have been few times during sex that I haven’t thought about what I prob don’t need at Target or how to reorganize my shoe rack, but spoiler alert: sex is like, actually fun. If you’re really hoping to get it over with quicker, then it’s time to try a new position, or idk maybe a new partner.
3. Not Returning The Favor
Apply that thing you learned in second grade here: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Treating his dick like it’s an undiscovered species of rabid beast and “refusing to give a BJ” are the exact reason he just commented with heart eyes on some hoe’s Instagram pic. Once you have reasonable belief that he’s come down with the “feelings” bug, then feel free to take a dick-cation. But for now, at least let him entertain the idea you’re going to reward him for contracting lockjaw every time he enters sacred territory.
4. Constantly Apologizing
Answer me this: Is a guy ever sorry that he “accidentally” missed your chest, rather allowing his semen to set up camp on your face? Fuck no. Next.
5. Proper Hygiene
Look, I’m all for female empowerment. Free the nips all you want, but refrain from freeing the bush, or at least just keep it groomed. Shave an emoji face into it, I don’t fucking care, nor do I want to know, but he didn’t sign up to go digging for gold by plowing through an entire forest. Trust me, he’ll notice your unshaved pubic region long before he notices your new balayage you dropped half a paycheck on.
6. Acting Like His Coach
Taking control in the bedroom is sexy. Reminding him of his high school football coach whom he wanted to shank after making him vom during Hell Week is not sexy. Yeah, you might’ve been treated to Grade-A dome on the reg by your ex, but probably so were four other girls. Your new dude has better things to do than listen you to coach him through, while delivering the ultimate boner-killer, “I love when a guy does this.” Don’t tell me you wouldn’t immediately subtweet the shit out of him if he casually suggested you change up your hair color because “he loves blondes” or whatever.
7. Not Venturing From The D
Ever order a 6-inch meatball sub only to avoid eating the meatballs altogether? Me either. I’m not about to waste my time on a lesson about the male anatomy, but case in point: A man’s southern region is called a “package” for a reason. DO NOT become so blinded by what you see on the outside that you forget about what’s inside. A guy is so much more than his penis. I can’t believe I even wrote that sentence without busting out in laughter, but it’s true. In other words, balls have feelings, too. I’m not saying you have to go digging to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop, but at least cradle the boys like they’re the kids you never want.
