Maybe once a year Every so often, you discover a new workout class or get a weird burst of energy at 5pm (LOL), and working out feels amazing all on its own. Mostly, though, working out is difficult and painful, and only made worthwhile by the coveted goal of looking good—specifically, looking good naked, which is really the Catch 22 here (I’m not using that right and don’t quote me). As betches with busy lives, going to both a SoulCycle class and a date after work is as unlikely as us running an impromptu marathon, so we’re forced to choose between goals of staying in shape and goals of knowing the Domino’s guy by name finding that person to regularly see our hot, naked bodies. And since the only thing worse than hard work is making choices, the only logical choice is to incorporate your workout into the date itself (the sex part of the date, specifically; I still refuse to acknowledge exercise dates as a real thing). Here are the best sex positions that double as a full-body workout, all for a lower cost and higher chance of orgasm than your usual SoulCycle.
1. Reverse Cowgirl
You knew this position would make the list, because you specifically avoid it when you know you need to do things like walk the next day. As it turns out, repeatedly lifting your body from the hips up is killer for your quads, regardless of whether or not you’re landing on a dick (who knew)—just ensure his hands are otherwise occupied going in, so you can’t take the cop out of him “guiding” your hips aka taking on half your weight. To ensure maximum workout benefits and a killer view for your sex partner, keep your core engaged (chest lifted, shoulders down, abs in), and engage your triceps by keeping your hands at/above your head as much as possible. (I recommend playing with your hair to draw attention from the fact that you’re basically incorporating arm circles into sex.) If you have rock-hard quads and extreme balance, you can make this position even more difficult by starting on your feet instead of your knees; from there, enjoy a series of deep squats and overwhelming fear of maiming your partner for life.
2. Wheelbarrow/Plow
Yeah, I’d joyously never known this sex position existed either until researching this article. It basically involves you planking through sex (your hands or forearms on flat surface of your choosing—I’ve found higher = harder workout—and your legs held up by the guy behind you). The workout here is obvious: you are planking through sex, so if your form isn’t total shit (once again, abs engaged and don’t collapse your chest), you should definitely feel the effects. The downside is that it’s kind of difficult to maintain perfect plank form while being rammed from behind, and the need to remain perfectly still minimizes the usual cardio benefits of sex. While it’s a little more logistically challenging than my go-to’s, it felt amazing sex-wise (keep adjusting until you find the right angle) and crazy hard abs-wise, so I’ll definitely be trying this again next time I finish something labeled “family-size” and need my ass kicked. I’d recommend treating this position as a slower-paced, strength-building warm-up—you can always return to it later if you want to draw out the session and get in that extra burn.
3. Arch
I think this is called a “hip bridge” in traditional workout contexts, and it looks like you putting your feet flat on the ground/bed and lifting your hips so it’s a straight line from knees to shoulders (he’s kneeling facing you, hands probs assisting your legs a bit). It’s easy to do this position lazily when you’re three minutes in and your ass is burning and his hands are RIGHT THERE and could definitely hold you up, but don’t, for obvious reasons. Not only is it pretty uncool to go full dead-weight during any kind of sex, but your aesthetic descent from betch to Jabba the Hutt is incredibly swift if you don’t maintain a strong, lifted torso and long neck in this position at all times. Picture your chin(s) in a hip bridge. You know I’m right. This is a killer butt/hamstring workout for obvious reasons, and if you’re feeling especially strong you can modify into a full bridge by placing your hands flat on the ground/bed facing your feet and pushing up through your hands for an added tricep/bicep workout and an increased burn in your inner thighs and core. TBH I can’t even do a full bridge in normal yoga, so I had to stick with regular arch here—it’s a little frustrating to maintain, but I could definitely feel the lower-body workout, and having your hands free is always nice.
4. Total Hug
Is Total Hug the technical term for this position? Probably not, but I have no idea who makes these rules, and this is an adorable way to refer to a very difficult position. Total Hug is the movie sex thing where you’re both standing and you wrap your legs around the guy’s waist, which I’m sure you’ve tried and failed at before. The good news is that it’s equally difficult for the guy, so you can bitch about how unrealistic this position is together while stretching, hydrating, and preparing for another go. Essentially, you both need to be laser-focused on your body not plummeting to the floor, so if either one of you gets at all distracted, it swiftly becomes a dangerous situation. I can’t quite explain the physics behind why this is so very difficult, but think of it as holding a wall-sit in mid-air with engaged arms and you’ll start to get the idea. For an intense full-body workout, try this position repeatedly until you’re too sweaty to hold onto or until one of you starts crying.
Bottom line: any sex position can be a workout if you’re not starfishing, and if you’re not breaking any kind of a sweat during sex then something’s already wrong. These positions will just elevate your game from “justifying the pint of Halo Top I’ll need after this” to “cancelling my gym membership and starting a sex-fitness Insta—oh wait is that technically porn?” Happy humping!
Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
