3 Way Cleaner Alternatives To Sex On The Beach

It’s starting to get warm again, y’all, and you know what that means. It’s time to start having sex outdoors. If you’re rolling your eyes and picturing sand in unmentionable places, bear with me. There are plenty of places to have sex outside that do not involve the ocean’s toilet (aka the beach). Obviously, you’ll want to start spending some time outdoors now, because you probably forget what the sun looks like. But I for one am not particularly interested in dragging all the outside dirt/sweat I pick up day drinking in Williamsburg home to my only slightly food-stained freshly pressed sheets. And you shouldn’t be either. Stop wasting the lovely spring weather with boring indoor sex. Here’s where you should be hooking up instead.

Private Boat

I want to be very clear here that I have never had sex on a boat. I am irritated with myself for even suggesting a boat, because I’m now in a tailspin of sadness about the fact that I’ve never acquired access to a personal boat, and probably never will. Boat-wise, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Also, if there are motion-sickness concerns when banging in a boat, I don’t know about them. All that is to say, proceed with caution.

Anyway, a boat seems like the ideal place to have outdoor sex in so many ways. (Specifically, a sturdy boat capable of fitting 5-10 people comfortably.)  You’re on the water, which is key for Titanic role play, and also privacy. Also, literally everyone feels sexier and more alive while out in the ocean, so you have that going for you. And since boats are basically a condo for the ocean, you get all the comfort/cleanliness of indoors while being able to multi-task sex with perfecting your tan.

Be more like Rihanna. Have sex on boats.

Cabana

Poolside, oceanside, I don’t care. The important thing is that there’s a nearby body of water. This will both make you feel summer-y and tropical, and the aforementioned nearby body of water should serve as a nice cool-down after. There should also be some level of seclusion/a mattress. Ideally, you’d pull a Kristen/James on Vanderpump Rules and find a private poolside, or just wait until 4am. If it isn’t clear yet, I’m not one of those savages who enjoys the “thrill of being caught.” I used to burst into tears if my teachers called on me—you can’t reverse that type of shy.

Important disclaimer: If you’re staying at a large resort (especially one with a family-friendly vibe), please don’t do this. Having sex in one of the 65 cabanas lining the pool will only end with a soundtrack of screaming children, and probably two new additions to the sex offender registry. At that point, you’re better off just pitching a tent on the beach (LOL puns).

Not directly related, but Dean and Kristina certainly just had sex in this pool, right?

Hotel Balcony

This list has started sounding less like places to have sex and more like places Jordan Belfort does drugs. I’m sorry! I understand these are not all feasible, but you know the alternatives. And public, crowded outdoor places are just not going to be where I recommend you have sex. So, if you’re taking a vacation this summer and staying in a hotel, try for a room with a balcony. Or if you meet a hot guy on vacation—after taking all necessary precautions to assess that he’s not a murderer and allowing several girlfriends to track your iPhone location—and he has a sick suite, go take advantage of that. Hotel balconies give you the advantage of being able to duck quickly back indoors, typically involve some gorgeous views, and make you feel wildly adventurous without really posing a risk.

Cabana rule applies here: If there are multiple in a row, you’ll be in too much contact with your neighbors. Also, it should go without saying but the only sex you should be having on hotel balconies is standing up and from behind. No way are you sacrificing your view (and, potentially, your life) to turn around and perch up on some ledge.

Your goals for this summer:

If you absolutely insist on having sex some place where your risk for arrest is high, at least listen to the following advice. Do not have sex in public pools, which are filled with more filth than you ever want to think about, let alone literally open yourself to. Do not have sex directly on hot sand, if you value your skin or that of your partner. And if you absolutely have to have sex in the bathroom of whatever establishment you’re frequenting, at least see if there’s a nicer bathroom down the block with less of a line and/or chance someone puked in it in the last hour. Everyone involved in the situation will thank you.

Images: Giphy (3)

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