We’re more than halfway through 2017, and it’s kind of been the worst year ever. Sure, our government is fucked up, but we’re really talking about all the terrible, unexpected celebrity breakups that we’ve had to endure so far this year. I definitely don’t have a heart, but if I did it would be breaking. Let’s take a walk down shitty memory lane and relive the most important breakups of 2017 so far.
1. Chris Pratt & Anna Faris
When we heard the news, we honestly couldn’t believe it. The House Bunny and Andy Dwyer always seemed to get along so well, so it’s disappointing to know that even they couldn’t make it work. Life sucks and nothing lasts forever, get used to it.
Seven months was enough for Countess Luann, who announced last week that she and Tom are dunzo. We can’t wait to see this drama unfold in front of the cameras 3-6 months from now on RHONY, when all the housewives pretend to act sad for her even though literally all of them told her on multiple occasions not to go through with the wedding.
3. Nicki Minaj & Meek Mill
We could give a shit about Meek Mill, but it’s deeply important to us that Nicki Minaj is respected and treated like the absolute queen that she is. To be honest, we’re just waiting until she and Drake finally stop pretending and just fucking date already.
4. Jennifer Lopez & Drake
Speaking of Drake, he and J Lo only lasted two months before they moved on to greener pastures. For what it’s worth, Jenny seems very happy with A-Rod now, and Drake seems very content to just put out random singles and hang around waiting for Nicki or Rihanna to end up with him.
5. Leonardo DiCaprio & Nina Agdal
Okay, this probably wasn’t that surprising, but whatever. After a year of dating, Leo got sick of dating a hot model 17 years younger than him, which is so typical. We can’t wait for when he’s like, 70 years old and still dating 20-year-olds, it’s such a good look.
Is one of these lists really complete if there’s not at least one Bachelor couple calling it quits? Ben and Lauren were cute together, but let’s face it, they still met on a TV show. It’s my personal theory that Lauren never got over Ben telling Jojo he loved her, or maybe she just didn’t want to be the wife of a failed politician. Either way, the most boring couple in Bachelor history will be missed, but not that much.
7. Courtney Stodden & Doug Hutchison
You might not know who they are if you’re not complete garbage, but I am guilty of caring way too much about Courtney, who married 50-year-old Doug back in 2011, when she was only 16. She surely has a bright future in stripping or porn or something; you go, girl!!
8. Olivia Munn & Aaron Rodgers
We’re not sure why we were so attached to this couple, but this one hit hard. We don’t watch football unless we’re trying to impress a guy, and we can only name like, one thing Olivia has been in, but they always seemed normal together, which is something. Honestly, we only gave a fuck because of the tenuous Bachelor connection. Whatever, RIP.
9. Chris Evans & Jenny Slate
Captain America and the voice of Marcel the Shell/Mona Lisa Saperstein (can you tell I’m into Parks and Rec?)/SNL Alum Jenny Slate always seemed like an odd couple made in heaven, but it wasn’t meant to be. There are rumors that she’s now hooking up with Jon Hamm, so she obviously must have like, a third boob or something. Seriously Jenny, tell .
10. Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom
Here’s our theory: Katy showed Orlando her concepts for her new album, including her annoying short haircut and terrible makeup, and he was like “yeah sorry gotta go bye!!!” Katy has truly been the most annoying this whole year, and Orlando can definitely do better.