The holidays are a uniquely special time. You eat meals that are typically preserved for only that time of year, everyone makes it a priority to spend time together… and your mom manages to take you out of character within the first 20 minutes of sitting down to eat. I mean, is it really Thanksgiving without a family member commenting on your body, career path, or relationship status (you know I’m single, mom)?
And even though you spend the other 364 days of the year seemingly doing the self-work to have these conversations and not end up in a crying fit, somehow it just always happens. Why?
I like to think that I’ve done a healing in my adulthood. Through years of therapy, reading, and practicing health boundary-setting, I find myself in a place that’s more emotionally regulated than a younger version of myself. But every time I get into a fight with my parents, all of that peace, love, and happiness goes right out the window. Suddenly, I feel like the same powerless 17 year old I was over a decade ago, choking on words I know will not make a difference.
So what is it about a holiday that’s supposed to be rooted in gratitude and family that brings out that absolute worst in us? Is it the fact that the holiday’s real origins are in carnage and betrayal… or is there something more psychologically complex at play?
Why Is Thanksgiving So Triggering?
Saba Harouni Lurie, Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, tells Betches that she typically notices that her clients’ dynamics with their families tend to be heightened during holidays like Thanksgiving.
“If there’s already a strained relationship or the relationship is fraught, those tensions can really come to the surface,” she says. “This makes sense given how much time people end up spending with family, often in pretty close quarters.”
And that feeling of being a teenager again (in the worst way possible)? Lurie explains that it’s incredibly normal. Your teens are probably the last time you lived with your family full time. And even though you’ve grown up, your parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles typically know you best in that capacity — as a kid. This makes it super easy to slip into those old habits and patterns — because you’re in the same environment where you picked up those habits and patterns.
“Often the triggers we experience were established because of our relationships with our family members, so they’re the ones best equipped to activate them,” Lurie says.
Plus, your family usually knows exactly what buttons to press.
How Do I Get Through Thanksgiving Without Cursing Out My Family?
As frustrating as our family may be, some of us still want to push through and spend time with them for the holidays. It’s understandable — sometimes you just accept that your parents or siblings will never change but that these are relationships you still want to maintain. If that’s the case, Lurie says that you need to prioritize mindfulness. Be aware of your needs and then take the time and energy to make sure those needs are being met.
“This can look like carving out time for yourself even when you’re with family; maybe taking 30 minutes during the day for an activity that fuels you, like a relaxing cup of tea, an artistic hobby, or talking with a trusted friend. Taking breaks when you need them is key.”
And unfortunately — as tempting as it is to crash out as soon as a family member says something totally triggering — you’re going to have to practice some discernment. Lurie says pausing and thinking about response can make all the difference.
“Take a moment to evaluate whether your response is more likely to come from your adolescent self or your current self,” she suggests. “This gives you a chance to self-regulate and be intentional about how you engage.”
What If I Decide A Turkey Dinner Isn’t Worth The Emotional Turmoil?
Anytime someone in the family ends up slamming down their utensils and running into the bathroom (usually me), a few hours later my siblings and I are able to laugh about the absurdity of our parents over some Shoprite pecan pie. But not everyone’s interactions with family can be easily rolled off their shoulders.
“If being with your family consistently causes you harm, if your family is or was abusive, or if past holiday gatherings have left you feeling worse rather than nourished, then it’s absolutely worth considering avoiding the holiday with family altogether,” Lurie says. “Ultimately, you have to weigh whether the emotional cost of attending outweighs any potential benefits or obligations you feel.”
And if you do decide that a meal with your family will do more harm than good, it is totally okay to skip this one out.
I understand the guilt and regret that can come with a decision that feels this big, but Lurie emphasizes that you should examine why these feelings come up. These feelings are typically a sign that you’re acting in a way that’s outside of your value system — but this might not be the case.
“If you’re choosing to skip Thanksgiving with family because you know that’s what you need, or because you’ve consistently felt harmed during these holidays, I’d ask you to consider what specifically you’re feeling guilty about. Is it truly not in alignment with your values? If that’s not actually the case, what you’re feeling might be more accurately described as discomfort around disappointing others, or grief around what you wish things were like in your family.”
While these feelings are valid, they’re a little more complicated than just guilt. This distinction, Lurie says, might help you process these emotions better.
Everyone has a different dynamic with their family, and yours may be more complicated than the next person’s. Sure, the holidays are packaged as a time to spend with family, but I think we would all benefit from reminding ourselves that free will exists and holidays should be spent however you want to spend them. In the words of Kim Cattral: “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself.” And this Thanksgiving, you don’t have to.
