Every fan who watches Euphoria and has a Twitter account usually ends up tweeting one of two things: A) KIDS DON’T ACT LIKE THAT! or B) When I was a kid, I was a sexy badass like Sydney Sweeney, and y’all are nerds. The truth for most people is probably somewhere in between, but a more relevant question is not what kind of teen you used to be—it’s what kind of Euphoria adult are you now? The focus might be on the young, dewy cast with their perfect skin and sweat-defying eyeliner, but a lot of this show gets stolen by the parents in the room. In theory, they’re the ones in charge. If the Euphoria fans with a high school diploma are honest, they will definitely see a lot more of themselves in one of these old heads than the 25-year-olds playing teenagers.
Suze
More than any other adult on the show, Suze seems to have her head on straight. She knows what to do when Rue shows up at her door going through withdrawal: narc on her to her mom. She knows what to do when Cassie is flipping out over Nate: hide the knives. She knows what to do when Millionaire Matchmaker is on: watch it. And she is hooting and hollering in support of Lexi as she watches her wine-swilling get mocked on stage. Yes, Suze drinks, but in her situation, wouldn’t you? Life’s not easy for Suze, but she’s grinding through and making the most practical choices of anyone in East Highland. Though that’s not saying a lot.
Cal
Who hasn’t dreamed of pissing all over their foyer and then absconding into the night? Cal is pure id, the part of ourselves we all push down and work to control so we don’t hurt the people around us. For the most part, Cal has done a terrible job at suppressing any of his urges and has left a huge swathe of destruction all around him. The best choice he’s made in ages is abandoning his family. While no one is suggesting you do that, if you’re anything like Cal, maybe book a therapy appointment before opening the tequila bottle.
Marsha
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. We didn’t really know much about Marsha for a while, until she finally acknowledged she has a horrible husband. Now we know she was a fox. We know she used to be a sexual dynamo. We know she likes to smoke, drink, and have really confrontational convos with her son in the kitchen like it’s an R-rated Nancy Meyers film. Marsha has been in denial, but she’s not letting things slide anymore.
Samantha
Are you sexually suggestive and feeding alcohol to someone who is barely legal in your backyard pool? If so, you’re Minka Kelly and should go directly to jail!
Ali
This is a man who is very wise, and that wisdom has come at an extremely high price. He might be one of the few people who really understand Rue the way she needs to be understood. Unfortunately, he is sometimes too much of an adult to really communicate with her in a way that gets through, and one cruel teen comment from her can send him spinning. Which is honestly an excellent portrayal of parenting.
Laurie
Obviously, Laurie is a stone cold bitch, but she also really knows what’s up. Like, I would not trust a child with Laurie, but she is the person I’d want on my side in a tough spot, you know? Not all adults are nurturing. This one is about as tender as a cobra ready to strike.
Fezco
Unfortunately, Fezco is technically an adult. Sorry to all the Lexi and Fez shippers out there. The show is taking pains to establish that a number of characters are 18 and therefore legal. But Lexi is also canonically 443 days younger than her sister Cassie, who still seems to be in high school, so you do the math. Fez is a very young adult, and surprisingly one of the sweetest characters the show features. Drug dealing is a family business, and it’s easy to imagine the kind of person Fez might have been if he weren’t sucked up into all the danger and difficulty of his job. Still, this is an adult who still has some growing up to do, even if in many ways he never got to be a kid.
Leslie
Poor Leslie. I can’t even give her any crap, despite the fact that she is a fictional character. This lady has been through the ringer, losing her husband, seemingly about to lose one daughter, maybe two. If you are eating ice cream out of the carton in bed having the most nihilistic conversation ever, you might be a Leslie. And I want to give you a hug.
Image: Eddy Chen/HBO (7); HBO (2)
