Every day, it feels like there’s a new dating term to keep up with. Some of them are genuinely helpful (like “limerence,” which perfectly describes how your obsessive crush is just your brain playing tricks on you). But others? They make you want to smash your phone and move to a remote island. Case in point: “tolyamory” — a term that sounds like polyamory’s less-cool cousin but is actually way worse.
This isn’t some cute, consensual relationship arrangement where everyone’s on the same page. Nope, this is straight-up tolerating cheating (which is where the “toly” comes from). Think about professional athletes with a history of straying (cough, basketball players) or celebs like Cardi B, who has forgiven Offset more times than I’ve forgiven myself for drunk-texting my ex. Tolyamory isn’t empowering — it’s exhausting. So why is everyone talking about it?
What Is Tolyamory?
Coined by podcaster and relationship columnist Dan Savage, tolyamory combines “tolerate” and “polyamory” to describe a relationship dynamic where one partner (or both) puts up with the other’s extracurricular activities. The key difference? There’s no agreement or discussion — just one person looking the other way while the cheating happens.
Dan describes it as the kind of relationship where someone tolerates occasional affairs or flings because they’re focusing on the “bigger picture” of commitment. If you’ve ever heard someone stupidly say, “Well, at the end of the day, he knows where home is,” you’ve probably witnessed someone’s tolyamorous relationship in real time. But Dan says these people aren’t clueless — they’ve just made peace with their partner’s behavior. Uh, sure, Dan. But is tolerating repeated betrayal really a flex?
How Is Tolyamory Different From Polyamory?
Polyamory is all about consent, communication, and mutual respect. Tolyamory, on the other hand, is like the Wild West of relationships. It’s usually one-sided, with one partner doing the cheating and the other just… putting up with it.
Let’s be real: this isn’t some progressive relationship evolution. It’s just disrespect wrapped in a fancy new term. If both partners aren’t on the same page, it’s not a “relationship dynamic” — it’s just cheating with extra steps.
Look, I get that every relationship is different, but tolerating infidelity isn’t just unhealthy — it’s demoralizing. You deserve more than to be the person who “turns a blind eye” while your partner runs around. Relationships should be about trust, respect, and communication, not sweeping betrayals under the rug.
So, unless you’re into being someone’s emotional doormat, let’s leave tolyamory in the trash heap where it belongs. And if you really don’t want to disrupt the “lifestyle” or “bigger picture,” at least have a conversation about being polyamorous… I mean, they’re going to be sleeping with other people anyway.
