We’ve all been there — sitting across from our bestie as she gushes about her boyfriend while we nod along, silently wondering how someone so amazing could settle for a man who looks like he says “females” unironically. So, do you tell her? Or do you just suffer in silence until she figures it out herself?

Telling a friend you don’t like their partner is dangerous territory — like stepping on a Lego in the dark dangerous. Licensed therapist and mental health expert Jordanne Sculler, LMHC, tells Betches that whether or not you should speak up depends on two things: why you hate him and how she might take it.

Spoiler alert: If she’s in love, engaged, married, or plotting a rom-com-style reconciliation, your opinion probably won’t be received very well. But there are times when you should absolutely say something.

Do I Tell My Friend I Hate Her Boyfriend?

When You Should Speak Up

Sculler says there are certain red-flag situations where staying silent isn’t an option, like if your friend’s relationship is toxic or abusive. If you’re seeing signs of emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, or worse, “it’s worth expressing concern — even if they don’t take it well.” The key is to focus on your friend’s well-being, not just drag their partner.

So instead of “Your boyfriend gives me the ick,” try: “I’ve noticed you seem more anxious and less like yourself when you’re with them. Do you feel like this relationship is making you happy?”

Similarly, if your friend asks for your opinion, Sculler explains that’s your green light to be honest — but, like, compassionate honest. “I never liked them” isn’t helpful (even if it’s the truth). Instead, gently point out patterns: “I’ve noticed you’ve been complaining about [partner’s name] a lot lately. I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”

And suppose she’s about to make a major life decision (like getting married or moving in together). In that case, Sculler suggests giving her space to reflect rather than launching into a full-blown intervention. A softer approach, like “I care about you so much, and I just want to check in — are you truly happy in this relationship?” can be more effective than sending her a PowerPoint titled “Why Your Boyfriend Sucks: A Case Study.”

When You Should Keep Your Mouth Shut

If your hatred is based on the fact that he has zero banter or chews with his mouth open, you might need to take a seat. Sculler explains that if the relationship is healthy, your personal icks don’t really matter. If your friend is genuinely happy and he treats her well, it’s time to suck it up and perfect your fake smile.

That said, if her boyfriend has become the unofficial third wheel at every hangout and you’re about two brunches away from losing it, you can set some boundaries — without making it a personal attack. Sculler suggests framing it around quality time, like:

“I miss our one-on-one time. Can we plan a friend night — just us?”

If he’s infiltrating every group outing, you can keep it neutral:

“I miss our old friend group dynamic — maybe we can mix it up sometimes?”

The key, according to Sculler, is to make it about your needs rather than critiquing her relationship. That way, you’re not putting her in a position where she has to choose.

Hating your friend’s boyfriend is rough, but unless he’s actively ruining her life, your best bet is to wait it out (as awful as that sounds).

“People rarely take criticism about their partner well,” Sculler says, so unless there’s a serious issue, it’s better to let her come to her own conclusions. And hey — there’s always the chance she’ll wake up one day, realize he’s a walking red flag, and dump him on her own. And when that day comes? You’ll be there, holding the champagne.