Now that it’s March, cuffing season is about to come to a screeching halt, which means it’s time to hop back on that Tinder horse and get to swiping. But it’s important to remember to date responsibly. Get your vaccine, meet up in public, and, most of all, avoid these 12 potential suitors like the omicron variant.
The Basic Bathroom Bro
We all know this guy. His profile picture is a bathroom selfie. He’s probably shirtless—or at the very least, if you keep scrolling, you’ll see a shirtless photo somewhere in his profile. His name is something douchey, like Chad or Brad or Aston, and he’s an “entrepreneur,” though it’s unclear what he’s actually entrepreneuring.
He’s super into working out and wants a woman who “cares about fitness,” but really, her gym membership matters far less to him than what she looks like. In his bio, he also mentions that he’s looking for a girl who “isn’t crazy” Because there’s nothing hotter than some good old-fashioned bathroom-mirror misogyny.
And why is he taking a selfie in the bathroom, anyway? Doesn’t he know that’s where people go to shit?
The Guitar Guy
This guy isn’t holding a fish (thank God), but before you get too excited, don’t because he’s holding a guitar, instead. And he is wearing a fitted tee and a broody expression. Maybe he’s broody in real life, or perhaps he wants to pretend. Either way, he’s definitely going to want to play a song for you—probably something acoustic—even if he sucks. Best case scenario, he doesn’t suck, but you’ll still have to sit there politely for at least two or three minutes while he performs a solo concert for you. (And, yes, he’s going to do it shirtless, too.)
The “Just Ask” Jackass
In his bio, this guy wrote something along the lines of, “If you want to know, just ask.”
Which, OK. Fine. No one likes to fill out their dating profile. But this lack of effort does not bode well for any potential sex life down the road. If he can’t spare enough time to write out more than seven words, do you really think he’s going to take the time to find your G-spot?
The “Right Reasons” Romeo
Let’s see—he’s wearing a shirt. He’s in a socially acceptable place (i.e., anywhere but the bathroom). He’s smiling. He even wrote a whole paragraph. Oh, this guy is good. And he wants you to know it.
You keep reading. His profile says he’s “looking for his soulmate,” that he’s “not here to play games or hook up,” and that he’s “here for the…” oh God. Did he say “right reasons?” Is he looking for a date or a spot on The Bachelor?
I’m not buying it. Just like with every Bachelor contestant ever, there’s a fuckboy lurking beneath that good guy act.
He wants you to know that he’s not shallow—even though he’s using a dating app designed for superficial swiping. He thinks that using big words like this will make him seem smart rather than just pretentious. Oh, but he is. He’s the type of guy that pronounces it “encyclopaedia,” Ted-Mosby style, and corrects you when you say it like a normal person.
He finds a way to mansplain something in every conversation or flex his faux-intellect or both simultaneously. He thinks he’s smarter than everyone around him, especially you. And when you decide, just for fun, to take an online IQ test together and end up with a higher score, he’ll tell you that IQ tests aren’t an accurate reflection of intelligence because, God forbid, he admits to being wrong about anything, ever.
The Tinder Denier
His profile says, “We can just say we met at the library,” or something equally cringeworthy. So, either he’s A) super willing to lie about trivial issues—like, I don’t know, how the two of you met—or B) really into the whole librarian thing. Also, does he think that hitting on someone at the library is a better look than being on a dating app? Is he aware that it’s 2022?
The Bro with a Baby
This guy has a photo of himself with a baby or young child. But, don’t worry! It’s not his! If you read his bio, he’ll be sure to mention that they’re his niece/nephew/friends’ kid. He has a picture of them on his dating profile because it proves he’s good with kids. See, they’re both smiling! So, even though he’s not tied down to any parental responsibilities at the moment, he really wants you to know that he’ll make a great father eventually.
He’s clearly taking a page from Friends and trying to use this cute, innocent kiddo as a pick-up artist prop. Not cool, man. Not. Cool.
His entire profile talks about God, religion, or how he’s a “man of faith.” His faith is important to him; he wants to make that VERY clear. This, my friend, is a trap. He’s probably a serial killer. Or, at the very least, he’s a recovering sex addict who found Jesus and changed his ways. And, in the spirit of honesty, he tells you that he cheated on his ex-wife with multiple sex workers. The resulting divorce prompted him to seek help, and now, well, now he’s a man of God. Technically, his SAA sponsor says he shouldn’t date at all during the first year of recovery, but it’s been nine months, and he’s pretty sure it’s fine. After all, he’s a good Christian now.
The Bill Shakespeare
Everything on his profile makes him seem like a catch, so you swipe right. You’re hopeful about this one. But, then, you match, and everything changes. He messages you a lot. Like, a LOT.
His messages aren’t sentences, either—they’re paragraphs. He asks multiple questions in one message. He wants to know your whole life story before the first date. What’s more, he wants you to know his, too. How does he have so much free time? I’m sure he’ll tell you in excruciating detail if you ask.
The Guy Who Likes His Women Like His Coffee
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. “I like my women like I like my coffee… without another man’s dick in it.”
Um—Who came up with this line? Is it supposed to be funny? Am I supposed to feel bad for you?
To be honest, it seems like you’re using Tinder to air an odd grievance against your ex. To be even more real, I’m starting to think your ex had a point.
The Don Juan
If he talks about how good he is in bed or how well-endowed he is, I can save you some time and tell you he definitely isn’t. But if you give him your number, he is going to send you a dick pic.
The Guy Who’s “Getting a Divorce”
Spoiler alert: he’s married. And not patient enough to wait until he’s not married to look for a date.
Image: Shingi Rice / Unsplash