Happy fucking birthday, America. We’ll skip the lofty introductions and just get to the weekend horoscopes. Drinking is in store for all of us, so find out what you should drink and how much—not by listening to your limits or caring for your liver, or anything, but by interpreting the movement of the stars. What could go wrong?
Aries
While Aries may typically be one of the drunkest of the zodiac, this patriotic weekend is a time for pacing yourself. No one likes the girl who’s blacked out before the fireworks even start. The goal here is to still be the drunkest person at the barbecue, but to maintain that drunk for the entire day, which means you’ll be sticking to ciders. Unlike beer which is heavy and makes you bloat like no other, cider is light and refreshing. Bonus: an Aries alcohol tolerance means you can drink it all day without wreaking havoc. Branch out into a festive red berry flavor that’ll look super patriotic in your 300 second Snapchat story.
Taurus
This weekend is looking like a marathon for you, Taurus. Endless parties, multiple family obligations, and the burning desire to be drunk at each and every one of them. Nothing says “thanks for the invite, I’m going to eat all your potato salad and then GTFO” like the girl who arrives with a bottle of tequila. Start easy with some blended margaritas, and then slowly ease into debauchery that our forefathers would be proud of by peer pressuring everyone in attendance to take shots with you. You’ll be the life (and eventually death) of the party.
Gemini
We all know you have one goal, and one goal only, this weekend, Gemini: the illusive perfect 4th of July Instagram. No easy feat, this photo must strike the perfect balance of contrived and natural, patriotic while still self-aware enough to realize America is burning, cute but not so glam that people can tell you spent three hours getting ready for a barbecue. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but we can by making at least one part simple. The perfect photo calls for the perfect summer cocktail: a fruity punch that photographs well and will have people leaving comments asking for the recipe. Something big batch is perfect for a weekend like this because it will trick people into thinking you showed up with an item to share. Pour it into a festive ice tea cooler, and your guest obligation is done without any actual cooking at all.
Cancer
With a full weekend of family time ahead of you, Cancer, you have the very specific task of being as drunk as possible without anyone noticing. Strategically this means drinking what everyone else is drinking and hoping no one notices that the alcohol is disappearing at an alarming rate. Your best bet this weekend is sticking to wine, preferably white and refreshing. Your mom will be psyched that you showed up to an event and actually brought something to share, and if you do it right she won’t even notice that you took down ¾ of the bottle on your own.
Leo
You have one goal and one goal only this weekend, Leo: to not remember anything that happens after the fireworks start. We commend your dedication to blacking out no matter the occasion, and have some ideas of the best way you can do it. Vodka is the answer to all your problems, even the ones that aren’t really problems at all. Easily the most versatile alcohol, you can switch up your drinks throughout the day to avoid getting bored and slowing down; the only constant is that half the cup is the vodka of your choosing. Avoid shots at all cost, less because of taste and more because no one like the girl who shows up and starts throwing back Absolut as if she actually enjoys it.
Virgo
This weekend is looking scenic for you, Virgo. Odds are you’ll be spending a lot of time in nature, away from the bustle and chaos of a typical 4th of July. This, by no means, allows you to forgo drinking, but more so means that you can relax and drink something luxurious. Before you head off on your weekend adventure, spend some time putting together a really top-notch jug (or three) of sangria. If you’re feeling really wild, make a red and a white: one for day time adventures and the other for relaxing at night under the stars. You’re about to have the most relaxing 4th weekend of all time, so just sit back and sip the night away.
Libra
On a hectic weekend like this, Libras need a chill af drink to match their chill af demeanor. As much as I hate to say it, you’re looking at a weekend full of beer. Hopefully that’s your thing. But also, why is that your thing. It’s summertime so why not dive into Corona and lime and worry about things like calories and bloating later? The holidays are meant for over-indulging anyways. Plus, this is a super easy drink to offer to people without seeming weird, meaning you can cozy up to literally anyone at your party. Can you imagine telling your grandkids that you and your husband met over a shared Corona? It’s precious, in a painfully California way.
Scorpio
Scorpios are here this holiday weekend to fuck up your party and drink all your alcohol. That’s it. So instead of worrying about what you’re going to drink, just show up and drink whatever the guest offers. If they don’t offer anything, drink it anyway. Pros of this approach: a cheaper alternative to buying alcohol. Cons: You’re going to be doing a lot of mixing, which won’t bode well for your hangover. But that’s a problem for later you, and present you’s only concern is that your cup is never empty. Go forth and wild out, Scorpio. No one does it better than you.
Sagittarius
While Sagittarians can frequently be the life of the party, they’re always riding the fine line of being one drink away from sobbing in the bathroom because they looked up the tree hashtag on Instagram, and like, “nature is just so beautiful” (a true story). To combat this, your only rule for this weekend is to stay as far away from wine as possible. While an excess of any alcohol can set you off, wine is a fast track to tears. Venture off into the land of hard alcohol and party the weekend away without worrying about being that girl.
Capricorn
Capricorns love all types of alcohol, as long as it’s on the rocks. While I may never understand this preference, I respect it. This weekend, don’t stray from what you know. In fact, make it as obvious as possible. Nothing garners respect amongst strangers like the girl casually sipping tequila on the rocks in the corner of the room. You’ll make friends in no time.
Aquarius
It’s really all or nothing with Aquarians when it comes to alcohol. You’re either at a reasonably responsibly (aka boring) two drinks, or you’re a fifth deep and trying to convince everyone that now is a really good time to go skinny dipping. This weekend, lean toward the latter. It’s a holiday! Let that freak flag fly! And do it while drinking questionable amounts of champagne. Start off tame with mimosas and then abandon the notion of juice about halfway through the day. There’s nothing quite like the sophistication and impending migraine of a champagne drunk, which is exactly what America deserves this weekend.
Pisces
You might have had a more low-key weekend in mind, Pisces, but we’re here to tell you that’s a terrible fucking idea. In this climate, there is only one weekend a year that you get to be unabashedly proud of being an American, and you will not be wasting it on a three day long Netflix binge. Nothing tempts you to dip your toes into the pools of alcoholism like tropical rum based drinks. Drinking rum is like going to a party you didn’t plan on attending, but after a few Mai Tais you’re not only hosting the party, but likely getting kicked out of it at some point. Save the lounging for your inevitable hangover and spend that time cursing America and everything it stands for. So, kind of the way you spend the rest of the year.
