It’s been a tumultuous 17 years for Twitter’s iconic bird mascot, filled with turnover, takeovers, and rebrands. But after narrowly surviving Elon Musk’s initial purchase, it seems the Twitter of yesteryear has flown the coop. Musk has sent what is probably the most iconic figure of the OG Twitter, the Twitter Bird itself, packing.
We sat down for an exclusive interview with the now-disgraced icon, where much was revealed. Musk’s sudden pivot to what he sees as the future of the web has some users feeling rattled, with others quick to jump on the bandwagon. What does the Twitter Bird’s absence from the app mean for the future of “X”? One thing is for sure, we are dealing with the angriest bird on the Internet.
THE TWITTER BIRD CHIRPS BACK
BETCHES: Let’s jump right in – what was your immediate reaction to the news? Can you give us a bird’s eye view of what happened?
TWITTER BIRD: I was in the bird bath when I overheard someone tweeting about it to someone else, I didn’t even find out myself until I logged on! I found out when you did!
And to be replaced by a letter… *scoffs* Can you even tell me what “X” is? What the fuck is “X”? Does Elon know what “X” is? Is it a banking system? A social platform? Is Elon blasting all of us onto Mars on it? Honestly, if it gets us away from him, I’ll take it.
B: According to Musk it’s going to be the “everything app” set to compete with other tech giants like Uber, Postmates, and TikTok.
TB: And what exactly does that freshly tossed word salad mean? The man named his child Exa Dark Sideræl Musk. That logo looks like a Grindr knockoff. It was literally purchased from fonts.com for $30.
B: Who are you leaning on in this moment?
TB: I’m actually very close friends with the Twitter Fail Whale, who you may recall. He was also thrown out of the nest after some mid-aughts redesign. Whales are definitely having their moment right now so it’s inspiring to see a friend rise from the ashes, so to speak. The Duolingo Owl is also a friend.
Ed. note: the Twitter Fail Whale could not be reached for comment for this interview, except the following statement via spokesperson, “Everything that you think you know about the whale community is based on vicious rumors and lies.”
B: We’re also hearing reports Sesame Street is due to give a press conference from the letter X sometime this week.
TB: Wow, just… wow. That’s actually really disgusting and disappointing. I considered Big Bird a friend.
B: What was your initial reaction when Mr. Musk came on board? You’ve been quoted as calling him a “bird brain.”
TB: Actually, he started that rumor. I would never say that. The term “bird brain” is actually considered a slur in our community. I can’t confirm or deny what exactly was said. But was I trying to ruffle his feathers a bit? Maybe, yes.
B: Shifting gears a bit here, is there any truth to the rumors of the Elon vs. Zuckerberg cage match? Who do you think would win?
TB: Oh the cockfight over whose pee pee is bigger? Who’s mommy held them less as a child? I’m placing my money on Zuck.
B: Well we’ll definitely be birdwatching what’s next for you. Tell me, where does the Twitter Bird go from here?
TB: You know, I have a degree from Princeton – I was already too good for this gig. I see a few different paths for me. I could travel, see the world. Apparently, they want me for a cameo in the next Rio film. So we’ll see.
But I certainly won’t ever be putting all my eggs in one basket again.
