As an Officially Woke Bae (and also, as not a giant idiot), I am fully aware that most of the things women do in terms of how they present themselves is for other women, not men. I get it, you wanna be “girl cute,” because something something something about the jungle scene from Mean Girls. Ladies be catty, amirite? But also: you definitely want to meet guys, you probably want to go out with some of them, and you may even want to strip down and touch some of them under the sheets while The Weeknd plays softly in the background.
To that end, you’re probably taking extra care on certain nights to be more appealing to dudes. And that’s great! But before you go out and buy these ugly goddamned clear-panel mom jeans, keep in mind that a lot of the stuff you do, we won’t even notice. Consider that guys don’t know shit about…
1. Fake Eyelashes
The thing with fake eyelashes is I feel like you’re only wearing them at night, which means it’s dark, which means no one can see them. And if you’re wearing them during the day, not one guy is going to care. Like, dudes don’t sit around in their RompHims at the bar scoping out girls like “hey fellas, look at how beautiful her eyes are. I bet she’s really cool and interesting.” I mean I have a feeling this is one of those things you do for you and not for us, but I can’t fathom poking yourself in the eye trying to glue them on. If my vision ever goes bad and I need contacts, I’ll probably get run over in a crosswalk because no fucking way. I treat my eyes the way God Squad girls treat their vaginas: touch around it all you want, but nothing’s getting in there.
2. Contouring
I guess the whole point of contouring is that NO ONE is supposed to notice it, and obviously I’m talking out of my butt here, but isn’t it more for pictures than real life? Like, all the contouring is lost when someone sees you in three dimensions instead of two? I dunno, maybe it does work at first glance, and that’s all that matters. The way we perceive faces is weird, mannnnnn [hits bong].
3. Makeup In General, Actually
As a gender we have like, less than zero knowledge of makeup, confirmed by the mind-boggling number of men who’ll say they prefer a “natural” look and girls who don’t wear “too much” makeup. That’s basically our binary reality—so much that it’s obviously noticeable, or none at all. Now, I know that your face looks like the surface of Mars and that pulling off your “natural” look should qualify you to produce disguises for the CIA, but again, I am v woke.
4. Accessories
Unless you’re wearing an Olympic medal around your neck, ear gauges big enough for me to stick my fist through, or a wedding ring, no man on Earth has any comprehension of accessorizing. Any guy who does is either gay or trying way too hard and is probably about three drinks away from dropping some sweet pickup artist material on you.
5. Your Sports Knowledge
Now, I’m not saying it’s bad for girls to be into sports. Sports are good, and being into sports is good. What I’m saying is, no guy has a mental “must have” checklist that includes “into sports.” In other words, you spouting off Bryce Harper’s slash line at the bar might spark a conversation, but it’s not going to make me think “oh wow, she’s one of the good ones.” You know guys who try to use their feminist bonafides as proof that you should fuck them? This is a similar (albeit much more innocent) thing.
6. Shoes
Are your shoes seasonably appropriate, as in you’re not wearing sandals in the snow or snow boots to the beach? Great, that’s about as far as we’ll care. Like, we know heels = fancy and flip flops = casual, but the nuances are beyond us. And if a guy does know an unusual amount about shoes? Congratulations, you’ve got yourself a foot fetishist. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but he is DEFINITELY going to try to suck on your toes in bed. Be prepared.
7. Fashion In General
Most guys, I think, have a vague understanding of what’s fashionable, if nothing else based on what we see other people wearing every day. But in terms of actual trends, forget it. Like, women’s fashion, even compared to men’s fashion, is its own cultural universe. It moves too fast and follows too few rules and affects us too little to care. I’m not saying you shouldn’t dress in a way that makes you look and feel your best, but don’t be disappointed when he doesn’t recognize that it came straight off the runway in Paris.
