Everything about the world right now is weird, but celebrities are still finding new and exciting ways to shock us. This week, Grimes and Elon Musk had their baby, and while we weren’t expecting a traditional name from these two notorious weirdos, their alleged choice is even stranger than we could’ve imagined: X Æ A-12.
Just let that sink in for a second: X Æ A-12.
Remember when everyone freaked out over Gwyneth Paltrow naming her baby Apple? That was cute. Before you even ask, no, I have no f*cking clue how X Æ A-12 is pronounced. Or what it means. Or if it’s an actual legal name that you’re allowed to give a child. All I know is that it looks like fraternity letters mixed with the name of a spaceship, and I hate it. But while we wait for more details on what might be the worst baby name of all time, let’s take a look at some of the other weirdest celebrity baby names.
Stormi
In the two years since Kylie announced her surprise baby, I feel like we’ve heard the name Stormi approximately one million times. At this point, I actually think it’s kind of cute, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s just not a name. Like, Kylie took a weather condition that’s not even a good one, then messed up the spelling. I’m honestly mad at how well it works, but I really hope that normal people don’t start doing this for their names. We don’t need kids named Hurrikayn and Flurri running around.
Bronx Mowgli
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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s baby was in the first major wave of weird celeb name choices, but unlike some of the more tame ones, this still bothers me. I wouldn’t love Bronx on its own, but MOWGLI? As in, the feral child from The Jungle Book, who kind of sucks as a character?? I just need to know the thought process here. Ashlee’s second child, with Evan Ross, is named Jagger Snow, which is still interesting, but a little less puzzling. She just announced she’s pregnant again, so I can’t wait to see what she cooks up this time.
Cricket Pearl & Birdie Leigh
Busy Philipps, what is you doin? I guess coming from a woman named Elizabeth, but who chooses to go by Busy, this really isn’t a surprise. Birdie Leigh really just sounds like a name that came out of a Tumblr generator in 2011, so I’m not that mad, but Cricket Pearl? If my mom named me Cricket, I would be so f*cking mad. Like, that is a literal insect, can you not?
Charlie Wolf
Out of context, Charlie Wolf is a pretty normal name. Wolf is an interesting middle name choice, but I kind of like it! The weird thing here is that three (3) different celebs have chosen this exact name in the last five years. THREE! Zooey Deschanel was the first to claim it, back in 2017. Then, last fall, Lauren Conrad announced the same name for her second baby. Coincidence? Maybe, who knows. But then, just a month later, Bachelor alums Carly and Evan chose the same name!! Names are hard, and there’s nothing wrong with taking some inspiration, but they had to know the tabloids would be all over these matching names. Wait… maybe that’s exactly what they wanted?
Pilot Inspektor
As an avid skateboarder and a former Scientologist, it’s no surprise that actor Jason Lee wanted a unique name. But this? He named his son Pilot Inspektor, which sounds like the name they’d give an incompetent spy played by Steve Carrell in a comedy movie. Lee said that he chose “Pilot” after one of his favorite songs, but that doesn’t explain the tragedy of a middle name that is Inspektor. If you’re going to name your child after a random English word, at least spell it correctly?
Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Buddy Bear, Petal Blossom Rainbow, & River Rocket
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You’d be forgiven for thinking these were the names of the Care Bears, and not actual human children. Celeb chef Jamie Oliver has five children with Juliette Norton, and each of their kids’ names sounds like it was specifically selected to make me uncomfortable. I think my personal (least) favorite is Daisy Boo Pamela, just for the sheer randomness of Pamela being tacked on the end. But I also love Buddy Bear, which should be a nickname for a stuffed animal, not a child.
Apollo Bowie Flynn & Zuma Nesta Rock
Remember back when Gwen Stefani was cool? Before she was wifed up by Blake Shelton, she and Gavin Rossdale had three kids together, and two of the names are bizarre. Kingston, you get a pass on this list. But Apollo Bowie Flynn and Zuma Nesta Rock are both just doing way too much. Triple names are already a mouthful, and these ones are total sensory overload.
Lockett & Lazer
Did you know Diplo has two kids? Well, now you do! He has two sons, Lockett and Lazer, which sound like names of super villains in a futuristic Disney Channel Original Movie (Jessie and James from Team Rocket are shaking). They’re definitely not the strangest names on this list, but they’re not normal, either. Early in the quarantimes, Diplo posted a super sweet video of him seeing his sons through a window, explaining that he had to isolate away from them for everyone’s safety. Aaaaand now I’m crying.
Moon Unit, Dweezil, & Diva Muffin
Rounding out this list, we have what I feel is the worst collective set of names, maybe ever. Frank Zappa was a musician known for his avant-garde work, and he chose pretty avant-garde names for his own kids, too. While most of the ones on this list are from the last ~15 years. Frank Zappa named his daughter Moon Unit way back in 1967! He followed that up with Dweezil and Diva Muffin, both of which are really astonishingly strange. Honestly, if I had to choose between being named X Æ A-12 and Diva Muffin, I might choose X Æ A-12. At least X Æ A-12 isn’t going to earn me a lifetime of vagina puns. There, I said it!
People can name their babies whatever they want, and maybe these unique choices are better than all those women from your hometown who just slap an “-eigh” on any old name and call it a day. There are lots of Kayleighs in the world, but I’m pretty sure there’s only one Daisy Boo Pamela. But please, don’t name your kid Daisy Boo Pamela. Literally anything else.
Images: Sky Cinema / Shutterstock.com; ashleesimpsonross, laurenconrad, jamieoliver, diplo / Instagram
