The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 2

Tonight on Bachelor in Paradise, Jenna wakes up the morning after the rose ceremony with the realization that Jordan will do anything for an infinitesimal amount of fame, including murdering a stuffed animal on national television. I was assuming she had working eyes and ears like the rest of us and would have figured that out the second Jordan breathed in her direction but, alas, I assumed too much. She’s like “I still like Jordan but if anyone with a penis walks through that door I will be trying to go on a date with them.” Fair.

Omgggg Kendall and Joe are so freaking cute. I can’t. All I have to say is if she breaks his heart I will lead the angry mob that wants to mount her head on a wall like she did her family cat.

Leo is the first new guy to walk into Paradise and his hair is doing far better in this humidity than I thought it would. Meanwhile, every single girl on that island immediately orgasms at the sight of his man bun.

Jenna is like “my first impression of Leo is that he’s got confidence.” I’m sure that’s exactly what the director of his first porno said about him too.

Okay, I do NOT  like the way Kendall is looking at him from across the room rn. He starts interviewing all of the blondes first because apparently that’s his type. I’m sure Becca feels real good watching this at home.

Leo asks Kendall on the date and SHE SAYS YES. KENDALL. WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING. Whatever. Honestly Kendall, if you’re gonna look elsewhere besides Joe then YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM. Also, Joe, you can call me.

KENDALL: So are you okay with this?
JOE: Sure. But I hope it rains and you have a terrible time.

Considering those are literally the exact words I used when my roommate told me she couldn’t come to brunch with me because she had a “family thing”, I think he handled that pretty well.

Y’ALL JORGES TORGES IS BACK. F*ck Arie and Amanda Stanton making a cameo, Jorge is the real star of this show. Also, does this mean his Mexican tour guides business didn’t work out for him then? Shame.

Wait. Jorge writes romance novels now? You’re telling me that while I’ve been over here pitching think pieces on if Tia got a boob job or not this guy became a published author? That’s what you’re telling me rn?

They bring out some old Bachelor rejects to reenact the plot from Jorge’s book and it’s more painful to watch then the YouTube videos I made with my best friend in 7th grade where we pretended to be members of the band B*Witched.

I will begrudgingly say that this date at least had some thought put into it. Bravo, ABC. Leo and Kendall have to shoot a romance cover for Jorge’s book. Jorge has them in all these compromising positions and it’s like, Jorge, I thought you were on my side? JOE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS, JORGE. They start making out and there’s limbs and hair everywhere. I want to stop watching but it’s like I can’t look away from this gyrating mass of hair.

Kendall and Leo finally take a break from dry humping against the nearest palm tree to come back to the beach and flaunt their sexual chemistry in front of Joe.  

JOE: Why are you in a robe?


God, I can’t believe Kendall is trying to back burner GROCERY STORE JOE after spending three hours with a man who bases his entire aesthetic on an 80s teenage girl’s calendar. I guess it’s true what they say: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force the horse to realize she’s making a big f*cking mistake with Fabio.

Kendall starts crying in the confessional booth. She’s like “I didn’t realize it would be sooo hard to choose between two attractive men who are into me. Why me??”


Cut to Leo, who’s reduced Chelsea, A SINGLE MOTHER, to suggestively licking her lips over a warm glass of Titos. Seriously, ladies, what is going on here? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

LEO: Do you like piña coladas? And getting lost in the rain?
CHELSEA: God, take me now.

They start making out in the hot tub and I am PRAYING Kendall walks in on this. Though something tells me walking in on her man making out with someone else might actually turn that crazy b*tch on.

Cut to the next morning and Joe is already heavily drinking. Respect. He has to watch Kendall and Leo nuzzle noses from across the room, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to be sober for that. I’m not even sober for that. *sips wine*

Leo is like “I know we’re gonna have a story together.” Yeah and I bet that story will be “How I Got An STD in Paradise.” Good luck with that, Kendall!

Because the producers want me fly to LA and set fire to ABC studios, they give the next date card to Colton instead of Joe. Unless the two of them get murdered while out pretending to buy authentic Mexican souvenirs, then I don’t want to see this date.

Colton asks Tia on the date, because I can only assume production is holding his family hostage somewhere until he breaks down and says Tia is his girlfriend. I’m also using the term “date” loosely here because really they’re just wandering aimlessly in a Mexican tourist trap.

Are @coltonunderwood and @tiarachel91 meant to be? What are your thoughts on this season so far? ????????☀️

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Raven and Adam from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise suddenly show up during this weird game of musical chairs taking place in the town square. Tia is practically foaming at the mouth to brag to Raven about  some guy who told her “I guess I want to see where things go with you.” Naturally, Raven looks piiisseddd.

Yoooo Raven is being so real with Tia right now and it’s long overdue. She’s like “I just don’t think he likes you though?” THANK YOU, RAVEN. Where were you last week when she was crying by a sand dune in the fetal position?

RAVEN: If he hurts you I will cut his penis off and then he’ll never be able to lose his virginity.

Ah, Raven. You’ve been missed.

Here we go again. It’s the Tia and Colton show. After Tia talks with Raven she immediately pulls Colton aside to lock sh*t down. Lest he have five minutes alone with his thoughts to remember he isn’t that into her and doesn’t actually want to be there.

TIA: Raven thinks you don’t really like me?

OMG Tia you are not getting engaged at the end of this! Just because you managed to blackmail Colton into asking you to be his girlfriend does not mean you’ll get a ring. If that were true then I would be engaged rn and certainly not entertaining the idea of going on a second date with a guy who tries to start a text conversation with me by saying “‘sup”.

I guess Jenna’s box dye job finally washed out because suddenly she’s a blonde? And did it happen before or after Leo said he was into blondes?

Benoit shows up to Paradise next and immediately captures Jenna’s attention. Which is saying something, because that girl has the attention span of a cat with a laser wand.

Ooh La La! #BachelorInParadise

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BENOIT: Jenna, I like your vibe. I like your energy.

That would be the cocaine, Benny.

Benoit asks Jenna on the date and I’m scared to see what Jordan throws into the ocean next. Perhaps that tropical three-piece suit. A girl can dream.

Okay, Jenna looks amazing so you know she didn’t come to play. For their date they go to the Mexican equivalent of a Denny’s. I guess the spent their entire budget on that photo shoot, huh? How romantic.

Okay, WHAT are these two talking about rn? Jenna’s like “can you go deep though?” and Benoit is like, “Oh I can go deep.”


Meanwhile, back at the beach, Jordan is slowly losing his sh*t. He starts drawing something in the sand and 10 bucks says it’s a crude rendering of his penis.

Jenna gets back from the date and she. is. smitten. She’s like “Benoit is saying all the right things, everything I want to hear.” It’s crazy how the producers make that happen, isn’t it?

Lol, okay so Jordan wasn’t drawing nudes, just a giant “I’m sorry” written in the sand. I put more effort into my grocery lists then he has with this apology, so she better not fall for it.

JENNA: Jordan is being super vulnerable and I’m confused.

SAME GIRL. I am confused as to why you think this is a genuine display of human emotion?

And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. We’ll have to wait until next week to see which loser Jenna chooses to “trust with her heart.” Should be riveting.

IMAGES: Giphy (4); @thebacheloretteabc, @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1); ABC (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 1

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!

TIA: You told me that I deserve the best.
CHRIS: You do.
TIA: But you made out with Krystal.
CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you.

Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!

Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.


Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.

Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.

HAHA. Tia yelping “help” after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.

Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.

Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.

Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.

JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton?

WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for?  To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!

Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.

Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!

KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you?

Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!

Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.

OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.

Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.

Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!

Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.

COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom—
BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?

Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.

Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)

Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?

MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.

So. Much. Fashion. ???????????? cocktail party paradise edition #bachelorinsider #bts #bachelorinparadise ????????????????

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Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony. 

CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl.
NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.

Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or  is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.

Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.

WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.

Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”


Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.

Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?

Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year? Yes. That’s neither here nor there.

Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.

ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope.
JORDAN: Will you accept this rose?
ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored.

Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!

@ericbigger, better, badder! ????:@ericbigger

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Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.

Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:

And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.

Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2, Night 2

Look, I’m not even going to bother with pleasantries anymore. If you stuck around to watch grown adults guzzle tequila and fornicate on a beach chair for two nights in a row, then, congratulations, you know what it’s like to be held hostage by Mike Fleiss. We all deserve a medal. So, let’s move on, k? Chris Harrison tells us that previously on the Bachelor in Paradise, Colton was “spiraling out of control” at the thought of having to breathe the same air as his ex. Honestly, same, dude.

Becca finds Colton curled in the fetal position, weeping into his biceps. I paraphrase. She probably took one look at that crime scene on the floor and was like “you know, I think I’ll stick with my golden retriever fiancé.”

Colton asks why they broke up and it’s like, dude, you know why you broke up. She had to physically leave the room to collect herself when you dropped the V-card bomb on her. Becca’s like “Tia had nothing to do with us breaking up, she just asked me to break up with you and I did.” Lol nice save, Becca.

Okay, this conversation is soooo awkward. Colton is, like, sniffling in the background while Becca tells him how happy and magical her life is. She’s like “if I hadn’t met you then I never would have realized how happy another man could make me. Feel better?” Becca, you’re supposed to be calming him down, not making him more suicidal!

COLTON: I think I’m ready to move on and find love now.
BECCA: Yasss let’s do the damn thing!

LOLOLOLOL. Becca is the best.

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Now that Colton says he’s ready to move on, all the guys look genuinely terrified of the competition. Instead of having to compete with a guy who’s constantly crying over his ex, now they have to compete with a football player who’s moved on to the revenge sex portion of the breakup. Good luck, kids! 

Lolololol did Annaliese just use the words “respectful” and “Jordan” in the same sentence? Oh poor Annalise, you’re about to get ripped to shreds, honey.

Oh good f*cking God, Jenna is here and I’m not ready. Her energy levels are terrifying. Just watching her makes me want to take a long nap. Sidenote: how do you guys think she was able to smuggle her cocaine through Mexican security?

Things are not looking great for Annaliese. Jenna walks into Paradise and Jordan immediately is like “Annaliese who?”

JORDAN: I’m subscribing to whatever she’s got going on.

Yeah, and whatever drugs she’s got going on too, amiright J?

Jenna asks Jordan on the date. Tbh I’m convinced Jordan is only on this date so he can have some of the drugs Jenna is about to pull out of her vagina.

MY GOD does Jenna ever stop talking? She’s like “I’m so relaxed, I’m so zen right now.” Girl, if this is you totally zenned out, then I’m frightened to see you excited about something.

Jenna and Jordan start making out, and it’s making me p uncomfortable. Why is Jordan nuzzling her face like that? It’s like watching snakes mate or something. What is that??

Meanwhile, back at Mexican home base, Annaliese is talking about how she’s going to walk out of Paradise with a ring on her finger. Yeah, she’s about as likely to get a ring at the end of this as she is to ever get in a bumper car again. 

Annaliese is like “I still have hope that we might be okay.” Meanwhile, Jordan is dry humping Jenna behind a palm tree. It’s always nice to have hope, though!

I fancy myself a decent third wheel. #BachelorInParadise

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Jordan and Jenna get back from their date, and Jordan actually does the very mature thing of sitting Annaliese down to tell her what’s up. I’m half expecting Hell Paradise to freeze over in protest.

Wait. I spoke too soon. Jordan is being, like, unnecessarily blunt rn. He’s like “I’m really not into you anymore, but have a good summer okay, sweetie?” Way harsh, Tai.

JORDAN: Just know that I’m saving a place for you on my back burner.

Those are fighting words, Jordan.

How kind of you to offer, Jordan! Jesus Christ, this is so effed up. Paradise is just like the real world. Here we have all these women who are the cream of the crop—mothers, veterans, hot AF Instagram models—and they’re fighting over the scraps these garbage piles masquerading as human men throw them.

LOLOLOL. I can’t believe he just said that he thinks his talk with Annaliese went really good and was “very healthy.”  Like, I haven’t felt that triggered since my boss asked me if I was bringing a date to our company Christmas party.

Jordan starts listing off all the reasons why Jenna is a catch as the camera pans to her passed out on a chaise lounge. Yes, I’m sure your mother will think she’s sweet!

OMG did David just wake her up from her nap? Does he have a death wish? I have cut people for less. Just ask my sister. Okay, why did he make her a cake, though? This all feels very random producer concocted.

Jenna tells him she’s looking for a guy who likes to have fun and David’s immediate response is to take his shirt off. At the beach. David, you wild man, you.

I’m already losing interest in this birthday cake standoff. Yawn. Also, why are these people wasting cake? Animals.

Ohhh Yuki. How I’ve missed you. These degenerates are trying to explain to her how football works and she’s like “you play girls, yes?” YES, YUKI.

Just as Annaliese is starting to feel barely emotionally stable enough to not throw herself into the ocean, Caroline “You Know What You Did” Lunny walks in. Yeah, Annaliese is definitely a goner.

Jesus, this girl is talking really fast. Is she also on drugs? Are they all on drugs??

Jordan says Caroline gives him stepmom vibes and I’ve never heard anything so accurate in my life. He’s like “doesn’t she look like the type to show up in your bedroom in a silk robe and try and feel you up while your dad is in the next room?” Um, Jordan. Do you have something to tell us or…??

Caroline picks Venmo John for the date and I’m shocked he’s that hot of a commodity at Paradise. I mean, yes he’s smart and successful, but since when do any of these losers care about that?

Lololol. Caroline seems more in love with these stray cats then the genuine guy with a stable income sitting in right in front of her, but that feels about right.

YESSS. JUBILEE IS BACK. Fun fact: Jubilee “I didn’t fight for my country to compete with 20 other women for Ben Higgin’s attention” Sharpe is my absolute favorite in the Bachelor franchise. Let’s never forget that one time she called Ben out for telling every woman on his season with a pulse that he was falling for her. Iconic.

Lol Joe just goes “she’s HOT.” Listening to Joe talk about girls is funny, because it’s like hearing a Dad talk about girls.

Jubilee pulls Kevin first and he’s like “I can’t go on a date because last night I banged Astrid.” Wowowowowow. That was so casual. DID YOU HEAR THAT ASHLEY I, DID YOU?! Well, at least he’s honest!

Jubilee asks Venmo John on the date as another woman is wrapped around his body. Damn, that’s bold. They go ziplining and then do lunch in the jungle. 

Okay, John you “don’t like to bring it up” that you invented the app for Venmo? Cause you brought it up to Jubilee within five minutes of meeting her, sooooooo.

VENMO JOHN: I’m just a programmer! There’s nothing special about me and all the money I make.

Okay, they are vibing rn. They’re actually talking about real-ass things, while all he did with Caroline was dance on an abandoned street with her and pet a kitty. Pun intended. She looks like the type.

Back at the beach, Kenny makes a picnic for him and Krystal and it’s so stinkin cute. He literally drew a heart in the sand around their towel. Kenny’s like “I see a future with you after this, I want to be with you.” To which Krystal replies: “Aww, thank you for sharing.”

AWW, THANK YOU FOR SHARING. *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, Krystal! You gotta turn down the last good man on this island? Really? 

God, I hate Chris so much. I want someone to drown him in the pool. Tia’s like “he’s so sweet, he’s saying everything I want to hear.” Duh! Of course he is! He literally knows the exact script to follow to keep you around!

I love that Eric and Kenny are referring to the other contestants as rats with cheese. Not as good as Daniel’s iconic washed-up street dogs comment, but I’ll take it.


HOLY SH*T. Krystal is stealing Tia’s man right out from under her. And Chris is just letting it happen! Literally seconds after Tia DTR’s with Chris, Krystal starts sucking face with him. He’s like “you want to make out because I’m definitely single.” What a guy.

Soooo it’s not cool when Colton tries to “have his cake and eat it too” but when you want to do it, Chris, it’s “fighting for her” but “exploring your options”? Kkkkkkkkkk.

Cut to Tia the next morning bragging to anyone who will listen that she and Chris are soooo in love. Girlfriend, you should know better than to trust anyone on that godforsaken island!

Meanwhile, Chris is swinging his d*ck around at the breakfast table. I’m seriously going to vomit listening to this misogynistic bullsht. He’s like “today the goose is flying high.” He says this with all the confidence of someone who has never been told what a dipsh*t he looks like wearing that Mr. Miyagi headband.

WHAT. Colton is going to tell Tia about the Chris/Krystal thing?? I would not want to be the messenger of that bad news.

Did Chris just say he wants to go on multiple dates tonight before the rose ceremony? VOM. And Jordan is just egging him on by comparing living, breathing women to food courses in a meal. *takes slow, calming breaths* Are you there, God? It’s me, It’s Britney, Betch. Is it time to smite down all the men yet? I have compelling evidence this time!

JORDAN: You’re a delicacy here. Anyone you sit down with tn is going to want your rose.

Ohhh IDK about that, Jordan. I think some of these girls would rather light themselves on fire then be compared to carrot cake in a sexual way. Just saying.

The episode ends with Tia confronting Chris. If she’s anything like her pal Raven, then I hope she beats him to death with her shoe. I’m rooting for you, T!

Images: Giphy (6); @themansfield /Instagram (1); @pacoismynickname /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2, Night 1

Well, fam, here we are again. Another week come and gone where all I’ve done is worry far too much about the emotional stability of people who make their living off of FabFitFun boxes. That’s right, people, I’m talking about Bachelor in Paradise. When last we left off, ABC’s less hot version of Gaston was summoning the townspeople the franchise’s biggest beach trash to verbally take down the beast a 26-year-old virgin. Honestly, I can’t imagine they have that hard of the job. So, shall we continue where we left off? 

I can’t believe Chris is trying to lecture Colton on appropriate behavior when I can see far too much of his milky thighs in those Chubbys.

CHRIS: You can’t just have your cake and eat it to.
COLTON: Yes, I can. This is Paradise.

Well, well, well. Color me shocked that a guy who willingly subscribed to getting blackout on a beach for seven weeks wants to have his cake and eat it too. It’s like production invited living, breathing men to Mexico or something.

Elsewhere, Tia is word vomiting to anyone who will listen about their date on a yacht. She’s like “I hope I’ve made it clear that I’m a doormat here for him.” Yep. Loud and f*cking clear, honey.

MY GOD I’m so sick of this Tia/Colton storyline already. Like, Tia, what are you even losing your dignity over? Hmm? You know his virgin ass probably lasts three seconds in bed and considers dry humping with your clothes on foreplay. Tia, we did not march for this sh*t!!

Kenny gets the next date card, and he looks just as surprised as I am that the producers might actually throw him a bone. 

WHAT. He chooses Krystal for the date? Am I in an alternate reality? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

KENNY: I’m looking for a good girl. Someone to be a role model for my daughter.

Me too, girl. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!

Surprise, surprise. Production is trying to milk this whole Jordan/Chicken fued one more goddamn time, and I love that the best they can come up with is Annaliese. Tbh she and the chicken are perfect for each other. She had a traumatic experience with bumper cars, he had a traumatic experience with bunk beds. If that’s not a match made in heaven, then IDK what is.

Lol did Annaliese just say the words “serious” and “want to be engaged after three weeks” in the same sentence? Does she know the meaning of the word serious or…?

Jordan and Annaliese start making out after a single glass of champagne and she’s already talking like this will lead to a proposal at the end of this. She’s like “we’re a couple now and it’s crazy” and it’s, like, no, honey, you are not a couple. At best you might make it into Jordan’s Instagram story one time and that’s only if his producer holds him at gunpoint to do so. That’s your best-case scenario, dear.

Moving on to Kenny and Krystal’s date. They go to a Mexican wrestling match because apparently Kenny only gets one defining trait per franchise. He’s a wrestler. Got it.

OH SHIT. Kenny just whips his shirt off and starts fighting to defend Krystal’s honor. Never mind that Krystal has about as much honor as a can of Four Loko. 

Wait, so they went to an underground fight club and now they get to sit on a bench in an alley and drink out of Solo cups. When do they get murdered? Soon, I hope!

KRYSTAL: Kenny has been through adversity same as me.

GOING ON THE BACHELOR IS NOT ADVERSITY, KRYSTAL. Someone please get this girl a dictionary. You keep using that word, but I do not think it means what you think it means.

Andddd they’re kissing. As if this date could get any more bizarre.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Kevin wastes zero time in getting over Krystal. He’s like “Astrid is a nice distraction because have you seen her boobs?” Wow. I hope these two crazy kids make it!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TIA, PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT COLTON. She’s like, “I’m not gonna sit here and ooh and ahh but that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.”

ME: Say crack Colton one more time.
TIA: Colton.

Here’s the thing: it feels like Colton is not into Tia, and never was, and he’s just trying to have a fun time in Mexico after getting his ass dumped on national television. Like, the more Tia talks about it the situation the more I’m convinced they should bring Taylor in to lecture her about emotional intelligence. Please, ABC, it’s all I ask of you.

Cut to Colton showing off his football “talents” for that rando Angela. I’m putting talents in quotes here because I’m sure his coaches would be embarrassed to watch the display he’s putting on rn.

^^Actual footage of Colton and Angela on the beach rn

Nice move, loser.

F*cking finally. We’ve arrived at the first rose ceremony, and tonight it’s girls’ choice. I feel like Wills is in the running with no one and it’s making me so ill rn. He better last longer than one effing night or there will be to hell to pay. Hell. To. Pay.

Chris Harrison shows up and gives the most amazing pep talk I’ve ever heard. He’s like “are you ready to fight for your life and really fake some connections tonight, men?” Are they ever, Chris.

NICK: This is more stressful than my real job.

This is Bachelor in Paradise, are you kidding me with this, Nick? Your literal only job is to be just likable enough that some girl gives you a pity rose to keep you around another week. Surely you can muster up some sort of charisma and charm you keep hidden underneath that Vegas DJ facade. AND HOW IS THAT MORE STRESSFUL THAN ANSWERING SUSAN IN ACCOUNTING’S EMAILS?

Oh, Joe. You sweet, innocent soul. Kendall, if you don’t give him your rose I will skin you alive and mount you on my wall.

Tia pulls Colton aside, and her plan of action for their talk sounds like the ramblings of a madwoman. She’s like “I’m just going to let him know that I’m going to be his girlfriend and I don’t care if he says no because that’s what the producers promised me.”

Okay, he could not make it more clear that he’s just not into her. This is so sad to watch. Tia, just let this dream die!

OMG. Is Tia trying to threaten Colton into giving her rose? She’s like “If you want to stay here on this beach then you need to be my boyfriend, got it?” Yooo this girl is batsh*t. I can’t.

And there’s Chris waiting in the wings. He says some vaguely nice things about her and Tia all but weeps in relief that at least one man on this island wants to bang her.

Is it wrong that I want Becca to walk in right now and be like “oh hi Tia I actually dated Chris and still have feelings for him soooooo…”

A girl can dream.

Someone just said “have his cake and eat it too” and we’re now at the third time in 20 minutes. I swear it’s like these people get a phrase a day calendar and then try and pepper it in everyday conversation as much as they can.

Moving on to the actual rose ceremony. I truly don’t know who’s staying and who’s going. I’m low-key sweating on my couch with anticipation.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

I can’t f*cking believe Wills is going home but Venmo John gets to stay another week. How DARE ABC bring him to Paradise only to sacrifice him after week one so the Tia/Colton storyline can continue to live on. I’m so distraught. ABC, please just make him the Bachelor and be done with it.

Cut to the morning after the rose ceremony. Tia’s voice over is like “I’m feeling so good and so confident.”

ALSO TIA IN REAL TIME: Chris, I’m going to be insecure and you’re going to have to deal with it.

Have fun, Chris!

Chris Harrison says there’s gonna be some surprise guests throughout the season. First up, Becca! Lol the look on Colton’s face rn is giving me life. God, the producers must hate him.

PRODUCERS: How does Becca showing up make you feel?
COLTON: I’m feeling a little personally victimized for sure.

Wow. Becca’s outfit isn’t actually that offensive. This is crazy. Becca’s like “I’m here to give you advice the same way some of y’all gave me advice.” I really hope that by “advice” she means she’s going to guilt-manipulate Tia out of a man.

Andddd here go the water works. While Tia and Becca assassinate his character over mimosas, Colton is crying alone on the bottom bunk sucking his thumb. This is the side you need to show, Tia, boy!

Colton is crisis! #BachorInParadise

A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on

Oh sh*tttt. Becca’s off to confront Colton and literally nothing can make her feel more secure in her choice of a fiancé than walking in on her ex-boyfriend curled in the fetal position moaning into his pillow.

And on that note, I’m out betches! Can’t wait to watch the rest of Colton’s meltdown tonight.

Images: Giphy (5); ABC (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)

By Banking On Tia & Colton Drama On ‘Paradise’, ABC Did Us All A Disservice

Last week, we had the long-awaited return of the only Bachelor franchise worth saving: Bachelor in ParadiseUnfortunately, because the Bachelor franchise is obsessed with itself, we had to suffer through some drama we were already bored of on The Bachelorette: Tia and Colton. (TL;DR: Tia & Colton had a brief thing, Tia made Becca cut him after hometowns. If you need more details, try this.) Bachelorette fans have already jumped down Tia’s throat for her behavior and Becca even responded asking people to chill TF out. But apparently the BiP cast didn’t get the memo. Half of the episode is spent making fun of Tia for her big crush on Colton. The other half is spent roasting Colton for ignoring Tia when he (spoiler) arrives on night two.

According to ABC, the Tia and Colton story line is the most interesting thing happening this season. So why does it feel so boring?

 We Know Too Much

I’m new to the Reality Steve game, but I’ve come to realize this season that The Bachelor is only a surprise if you want it to be. In the case of Tia and Colton, even spoiler noobs like me were well aware that Tia and Colton had a reunion in Paradise. (Reality Steve had leaked pictures as early as June.) In addition to that, we all have social media. If there had been a serious falling out between Becca and Tia, we would have seen the unfollows. If Colton was seriously closing the Tia door, he would’ve deleted his heart-eye tweets about her on Arie’s season. And Baby Bekah’s been more than happy to keep us posted on her thoughts about all this, including speculation about their time in Paradise back when The Bachelorette was airing.

In other words, you would have had to try really, really hard to watch Paradise and not know that Colton and Tia were getting together. There’s nothing organic or surprising; it’s practically contractually obligated, and it’s a real drag to watch.

This GIF says way too much about their whole dynamic.

We’ve Seen Too Much

So, we knew it would happen. That alone shouldn’t have made it so boring. In fact, confrontations you actively expect can be the most fun. Which brings us to the next point: Tia and Colton are just not that interesting. The fact is, Tia was not chosen to be the Bachelorette. And if I have any luck remaining on this earth, Colton will never be chosen as the Bachelor. Sure, Colton’s got the celebrity exes and virginity, and Tia’s got the knockoff Raven Southern charm. But beyond agreeing that they’re both attractive people in a vaguely Friday Night Lights kind of way, I have limited interest in seeing where their stories go. I would rather watch Krystal, whose newfound sanity is already hanging by a thread, or Joe, who I sadly like less every time he opens his mouth, than continue with these two.

Paradise is a place for slightly unhinged people to gain new corporate sponsors make bad choices, not a pageant queen and Boy Scout to practice rounding second base. They’re not crazy enough or tragic enough to make for really great entertainment. And I think it’s safe to say that ABC has worn them out.

All of America watching this story line:

This Whole Situation Sucks

Finally: when Colton arrives on that STD-ridden Mexican beach, it’s not a question of whether he’ll be into her. It’s a question of whether he’ll cave to the public expectation that he MUST like Tia as much as she likes him, or risk his reputation going for someone else.

As a quick refresher on their relationship, Tia DM’ed Colton while he was in the casting process for The Bachelorette.  They started talking, then stopped talking when he found out he was going on the show. Their in-person time was limited to a single weekend in Los Angeles. If we’re assuming worst-case scenario, Tia is walking the line between stalker fan and one-night stand. Best case, it was a short but intense fling that nonetheless, they cut off well over six months ago. And now Colton, fresh off a breakup of his own, is being asked to couple up with Tia or be hated by all of America.

As for Tia, who is understandably a ball of nerves, there’s a lot more on the line than “does this guy still like me?” She’s waiting to see if Colton’s going to save her reputation by making this a love story, or publicly dump her. Because if Colton doesn’t go for Tia, Tia just f*cked with Becca’s journey for a guy who wasn’t even into her. And that’s hard to come back from—in Bachelor Nation, and just in life generally.

Same, Tia. Same.

Overall, I’d love to stop seeing these two faces on my TV. Colton has seemed in over his head for a while, and Tia has backed herself into a corner that will be very boring and painful to watch her get out of. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, let Tia and Colton put this embarrassing chapter behind them and focus on footage like Jordan explaining American history or Bibiana punching people.

Images: Giphy (3)

Tia And Colton Are All Over Each Other On Social Media & Here’s What It Means

I think we all deserve a round of applause because we finally made it through the most boring Bachelorette season of all time. It was grueling, it was bleak, and at times we couldn’t see the way out, but today we can say we are survivors. And now, we’ve moved on to the drunkest best entry in The Bachelor franchise, Bachelor in Paradise. Get ready for makeup-melting heat, bathing suits so tiny not even the labia are left to the imagination, and Wells’ heavy pour. I hope ABC has their lawyers on call!

And of course, in a shocking turn of events no one but Bekah M. saw coming, the first storyline of the season is a reunion between Tia and Colton. Unfortunately, when Tia first showed up I decided to make a little drinking game out of it. I took a shot every time someone said the name Colton. And now I’m dead and writing you from beyond the grave. But at least I never have to hear the name Colton again!

So, even though it was pretty clear from the fact that Colton never contacted Tia in between seasons, straight-up told all of America that he DID NOT LIKE HER, and brushed her off when he first got to Paradise, she persisted.

Colton: *ignores Tia*


So Colton and his overactive sweat glands ultimately decided to take Tia on a date because the producers threatened him he wanted to see if there was still something there. And now they are all over each other on social media. Is this to convince us that they are finally a thing? Personally, I think it’s all a game to keep people talking about them. Because I’m not sure why else they must continue to torment me like this. Let’s get to the bottom of it!

Tia posted the following picture on IG:

So you agree, then? You think you’re like, really crazy? Of course Colton commented the dumbest thing humanly possible. And at first I was going to blame this comment on what I can only assume was a career filled with concussions that have turned his brain into scrambled eggs, but then I realized it’s actually genius. Here’s why. He commented, which will obviously get Tia excited. BUT his comment is kind of rude and will make her doubt herself and her outfit. It’s the ultimate douchey comment. It make her just insecure enough that she’ll never leave you. And y’all think he’s cute just cause he likes dogs.

Colton posted about Tia on his own account as well:

Tia couldn’t let the chance to comment pass her by. Yes, great idea Tia, let’s build up the classically handsome football player’s ego even more by saying you’re “honored” to be on his IG. Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, though? Perhaps those words say that she’s honored but mean that she wishes she drowned him on this date. Just a guess.

BUT WAIT. The plot thickens! Colton took his f*ckboyery to Twitter, where he proceeded to play mind games in 280 characters or less.

Me. The guy who you were over…then not over…then over, but maybe not?

— Colton Underwood (@Colt3FIVE) August 8, 2018

That Colton sure is a sweetheart! At least now Tia will have something solid to print out and bring to her therapist as evidence of why she had a mental breakdown.

Honestly this is all just a scam because Colton is also flirting with Kendall. Romance isn’t dead!

My favorite part was talking to you first ❤️

— Colton Underwood (@Colt3FIVE) August 8, 2018

For the record, I don’t think Colton’s that into Kendall either. We all know this is just a mindf*ck because Colton is campaigning to be the next Bachelor. Colton’s obviously just practicing flirting with multiple women at one time. Too bad he must have missed Dean’s excursion on Paradise, where it became clear that f*cking over multiple women will not make you the Bachelor!

In conclusion, I don’t actually think Tia and Colton are all over each other on social to be intentionally extra. I think they actually really hate each other. Like, wish-the-other-would-sustain-burns-on-90%-of-their-bodies-and-then-step-on-Legos-barefoot kind of hate each other. So with all their commenting they’re able to take subtle digs at each other while also getting idiots like me to continue writing about them. Happy now, assholes?

Images: Giphy; tiarachel91, coltonunderwood/Instagram; colt3FIVE/Twitter (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Good morning idiot hookers, and welcome back to another exciting season of Bachelor in Paradise! Why ABC decided to air the first episode one night after holding all of America hostage for three miserable hours to watch Becca ruin her life one last time, I’ll never understand. But here we are being held practically at knifepoint by Mike Fleiss for two more hours! And while I’d rather bang my head against a wall for two hours than dive head first into any more soul-sucking Bachelor drama, I’ve realized that I maybe, kind of, sort of missed the hedonistic den of sin that is ABC’s slice of Mexico? So, shall we dive right in then? I mean, there’s only a storm brewing outside and I’m 90 percent sure my internet will fail faster than any of these people’s livers did on night one, but, sure, let’s do this.

I guess we’re jumping right into the intros then. As if I wanted to know any more about the intricacies of their flat tummy tea diets.

DAMNNN. Kevin just spilled the tea on Ashley I. He’s saying that Ashley made out with Jared while they were still dating, and I’m not surprised at all. If Jared said “cry” she’d say how “how many rivers?”

So David aka “The Chicken” is living at home with his mother post-filming. What catches they have this season! Ladies, I’m jealous. Also, David, you live in Boca Raton. You can totally marry your mom in Florida. It might actually be one of the only places.

Analise is up next, and she’s definitely going to be Lacey Mark that girl that cries every week about how none of the guys like her.

BIBI: My goal here is to kill them. Kill them with. my. bootie.

^^I think I’m going to turn that into a motivational poster and hang it over my bed.

Jesus. Tia’s veneers just blinded me, so I guess I’ll only be listening to the rest of the episode. Seriously, have her teeth always looked like that?

Eric’s like “so do y’all like the energy here?” Yes, Eric they all like the energy because the “energy” is free drinks.

JOEEEEE. Joe is here, y’all, and I’m swooning already.

CHRIS HARRISON: Do you think you’ll last longer this time?
JOE: Maybe a day? Tops.

I love that his bar for the trip is about as low as my bar for Hinge matches. Glad we’re on the same page, Joe!

You guys, what is with people’s teeth this season? I’m starting to really get freaked out here. Was there a discount on veneers and Crest White Strips before filming?

Okay, THANK YOU TIA, for commenting on Krystal’s voice change. Like, what happened to the baby prostitute voice that haunted my nightmares last January? Ugh. Of course she’s going after Joe, though. He’s like “she’s so sweet.” Oh, Joe. She is going to have sex with you and then rip your head off. 

If Krystal dares ruin Joe’s pure, sweet demeanor, I will END HER.

Venmo John is like “the last time I was reserved and didn’t know how to talk to people but now I’ve discovered alcohol, so it’s easier.” Ah, the wonders of warm tequila, amiright John?

Okay, wait. Annaliese is Jordan’s type? Annaliese? The girl who’s afraid of bumper cars and puppies. If you don’t think she has a complex about golden underwear then you better think again, buddy.

The chicken gets here and Chris Harrison is like “I’m glad you came as yourself this time.” Is coming as himself any better though, Chris? 

Surprise, surprise, Colton’s not here yet and Tia is freaking the f*ck out. It’s interesting that Colton never reached out to Tia even though she got him kicked off Becca’s season because of all of her “feelings” for him. I just feel like maybe he’s not that into her? I mean, the dude claims he’s never even seen a woman’s vagina before and yet Tia is here all but spreading herself on national television and he’s like “nah, I’m good.” Yeah, it’s suspicious AF.

That’s stone cold fear in his eyes, people.

GOD TIA. Stop bringing up Colton’s name when you have a f*cking dime piece like Joe in your presence! Seriously. If I hear the name Colton one more time I’m going to go outside in this storm with a piece of metal and beg this lightning to strike me.

In a cruel twist of BiP producer-orchestrated fate, Tia gets the first date card. Okay, she’s acting like that card is a herpes diagnosis and not an opportunity to share a dinner and Instagram followers with one of these washed-up street dogs. Get over yourself.

LOL I love that Bibi looks like she wants to fight her over this. Please do, girl. Put us all out of our misery.

Tia starts talking to grocery Joe and she’s like, “I’m not like other girls because I’m a relationship kind of girl.” Literally that is every girl with a pulse, Tia. Nice try.

WHAT. She picks psycho Chris?? Have they even spoken words to each other yet? Why??

Meanwhile, Kendall and Joe start vibing. And by “vibing” I mean dry humping on a chaise lounge, which is something her mother specifically told her not to do before going on this show. Here’s hoping her mother doesn’t take away one of her stuffed animal heads in retaliation. 

Friendly reminder, people, that we’re an hour into this abomination of a television show and there’s still no clear storyline. It’s like watching drunk cats scatter on a beach and trying to make sense of it.

Speaking of sh*t that that doesn’t make sense, wtf are Chelsea and Nick doing cuddled up on a chaise lounge? It’s like watching a car crash my Snapchat story after blacking out at happy hour. You know, when you make out with a hot guy only to find out later he could barely keep his eyes open and says sh*t like “where’s all the p*ssy tonight.” I mean, if it was ten degrees cooler he’d be wearing a velour tracksuit!

NICK: Women with kids don’t bother me as long as I never see the child and her vagina’s recovered.

Cut to Tia and Chris’s date. She’s drinking water at this point and is STILL talking about Colton. It’s gonna be a longggg night.

Wait. I’m truly shocked she’s into this guy. Aha! The truth comes out. The two of them only like each other because they both don’t want to be single anymore.  I think they probably have more chemistry with their forks than each other, but okay. To each their own. And, hey, if Carly, a woman who said she got “limp dick” from sharing the company of a guy who would later become the father of her child, then anything is possible as long as Wells has a heavy pour.

O.M.G. Colton is here and ready to f*ck up Tia’s newly found happiness. See, ladies, Paradise is just like the real world!!

They give Colton a date card because I guess production wants Tia to fling herself off a cliff this morning. Lol he starts pulling girls aside and none of them are Tia. What a class act he is! He’s, like, flirting with anyone on the island who has a vagina and a pulse EXCEPT TIA, but I have a feeling he’ll still pick her because he heard she might be happy with someone else.


^Me writing down further evidence of why the male species shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air as the rest of us

Wait so this “magical date” he took her on before Becca’s season was just a dinner at his house?! The boy didn’t even take you out in public, Tia? Like, he is a former pro football player and he’s trying to say that the best he can do for a date is to whip you up some Spaghetti-O’s at home? Seriously?? Oh, honey, baby, sweetie. DUMP HIS ASS.

God I can’t listen to these morons for one more goddamn minute. Colton’s like “I was into Becca but then you sent me home, so here we are” and Tia practically orgasms right there on that boat.

TIA: Idk why but I just keep coming back to you?

I KNOW WHY. He’s breadcrumbing you, sweetie! Tale as old as time.

Elsewhere, Chris is just stewing on the beach. All those steroids and hair gel—this can’t be good. He’s got all of Paradise riled up too. It’s like that scene with Gaston before the townspeople try and f*ck up the beast. Except with less talent and good intentions and obviously Chris is not as hot as Gaston. Obviously. That genius reference I just made pairs perfectly with this gif, so enjoy:

Chris R Bachelorette

BRB I gotta take a musical break to sing “Gaston” to myself.

And on that note, WE’RE FREE we have to to wait until next week to see how this fight plays out. I’m sure it’ll be about as manly as the fight I had in middle school with my sister over her stealing my favorite Delia’s shirt for school pictures. Should be lit. Until next week, betches! 

Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)

Why Did Bekah M. Drop Out Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’? Our Theories

It’s a sad day in Paradise, folks, because our favorite baby prostitute, Bekah Martinez, just dropped out of the season. That’s right, people, Baby Bekah, the beloved down-on-her-luck stoner who was just barely old enough to be Arie’s adoptive daughter but somehow almost made it to Hometowns, has just confirmed that she won’t be ruining her life on a Mexican beach this summer for our enjoyment. Boooooo.

If you’ll recall, Bekah was one of the first people to confirm her spot on BiP during Arie’s season on The Women Tell All, which is extra interesting because now she’s pretending like that never even happened. K. It’s like she doesn’t realize that I literally get paid to keep her receipts or something? Nice try, honeyyyy. Bekah’s saying the reason she won’t be getting carded by Wells in Paradise this season is because she has a new man in her life and realized that “it wasn’t worth it” to “possibly jeopardize what had with .” Okay, first of all, I call bullsh*t. I don’t for one second believe that Little Miss Age-Is-Nothing-But-A-Number would ever willingly give up a chance to stand on her boho soap box for national television. This is the same girl who graduated college and six months later decided that getting a funky hair cut and denying her real age would be the perfect way to launch her career as an Instagram model on The Bachelor. So, no, I’m not buying this “I found love IRL” excuse. NOPE.

^Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t trying to be the next sponsor for FabFitFun? Does it?!

There’s way more to the story here, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to start rumors get to the bottom of this with some v well-developed theories of my own. So put on your tin foil hats, people, because it’s time to talk conspiracy theories.

Theory #1: She’s Pregnant

I’m going to start off with the most insane but weirdly plausible theory first: Bekah M is pregnant. Stick with me here. There’s a rumor that’s been circulating for awhile now that Bekah is, in fact, pregnant, which would explain why she’s suddenly not going to be on Paradise. Reality Steve addressed the rumor on his site and said this: “This hasn’t been reported by a major outlet yet that I’ve seen, so I guess Bekah can pretend she doesn’t know the story is out there, even though I’m pretty sure she does.” EVEN THOUGH HE’S PRETTY SURE SHE DOES. Okay, so it’s not super solid evidence, but Bekah is always ready to start drama on Twitter so it’s curious AF that she hasn’t confirmed or denied said rumor yet. And if you think it about it, it kind of makes sense. I mean, how can one destroy their reputation in Mexico one piña colada at time if she’s pregnant? SHE CAN’T. Tbh I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an Ashley I and Jared and keep the pregnancy under wraps until ABC can blackmail People into reporting on it before the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words, people, because I’m seeing into the goddamn future here!

Theory #2: Her Mother Threatened To Report Her Missing Again

No one can forget the infamous missing persons report Bekah’s mother filed while her daughter was off seducing a man in his midlife crisis—mostly because Bekah won’t let us effing forget. If Mrs. Martinez thought that watching a grown man fit his entire fist through her daughter’s hoop earring while making out with her was painful to see, then I can only imagine what she would make of the abominations that take place on ABC’s slice of Mexican beach. Considering my mother tried to rescind my college fund after I got my belly button pierced on spring break without her permission, I can only imagine the lengths Mrs. Martinez would go to stop her daughter from drunkenly defending her age to every available camera man on that island. Never underestimate the power of the person who pays your cell phone bills, amiright Bekah?

Theory #3: Tia & Raven Conspired Against Her

I know this sounds far-fetched, but again, that’s my job hear me out. A few weeks ago Bekah put Tia on blast on Twitter for being a selfish bitch her relationship with Colton. She recently apologized for the rage blackout that inspired those beautifully savage tweets, which feels very off-brand for the girl whose motto throughout her entire Bachelor career has been #sorrynotsorry. Like, sorry not sorry Arie likes me, sorry not sorry I was born in 1995, sorry not sorry I’m ready for love. WE GET IT. So, yeah, this feels  like Bekah is trying to get back into Tia’s good graces before they’re stranded on a literal island together. AND THEN right after she apologizes, all of a sudden she announces she’s actually not going to be on Paradise after all? It’s almost like that half-assed apology went over about as well as Becca’s formal wear this season? Look, I’m not saying Tia and Raven had anything to do with this but I’m also not not saying that Raven didn’t threaten to beat her with a shoe some shady business didn’t go down behind the scenes. I mean, production owes Tia big time for pity-giving Becca the Bachelorette spot this season, and if they had to cut Millennial Tinkerbell to do it, they probably would.

We may never know the true reason why Bekah decided to settle down with a rando who looks suspiciously like Arie (seriously look him up) instead of going to Paradise like God and Mike Fleiss intended, but I sure as sh*t do not buy that it was for love. I guess only time and refreshing People’s homepage one million times will tell!

Images: Giphy (4)