For over a decade, the Kardashian-Jenner family has been on an odyssey of fame that’s pretty unprecedented. Through their TV projects, business ventures, and the power of social media, the Kardashians have built an undeniable empire, but it wasn’t always that way. No matter how many businesses the Kardashians start, or how many billions of dollars they rake in, their fame can still be boiled down to one pivotal moment: Kim’s sex tape. Though the family was mildly well-known for Robert Kardashian’s role in the OJ Simpson trial and Kris’s marriage to Caitlyn Jenner, none of them fell anywhere close to the A-list.
In 2019, it’s hard to imagine what the world would be like without them…but what if we did imagine? In honor of matriarch Kris Jenner’s 64th birthday, let’s make some wild predictions about where the Kardashians and Jenners would be if Kim’s sex tape had never happened.
Kim Kardashian
Without the sex tape, Kim Kardashian obviously still tried her best to get famous. After her stint as Paris Hilton’s assistant, she sucked up to some other celebrity just long enough to make it in the background of some TMZ photos. She ended up married to one of those NFL players who got traded to four different teams without ever actually playing in a game, and they’re now unhappily married and living in Nashville or Orlando or somewhere like that. She models new arrivals for a local boutique on Instagram, and gets paid in store credit. It’s what she deserves.
Kourtney Kardashian
Kourtney started dating Scott Disick in 2006, and honestly, I don’t think their relationship would have been too different without the TV cameras, except for the part where they broke up for good. They probably got married when she got pregnant for the first time, and then Scott got in trouble for some shady business deals. Sorry to Kourt, but Younes isn’t in the cards here. Instead, Kourtney now takes care of her four kids while Scott serves his white-collar crime prison sentence. Luckily, she’s the only sister with a college degree, so she got a receptionist job with flexible hours.
Khloé Kardashian
After being cut off by her mom at the age of 23, Khloé moved into a small apartment in Hollywood and got a job as a nail technician. She’s worked at the same nail salon since 2007, and has over 20,000 followers on her nail art account. She met a guy online who said he would pay for her to get several cosmetic procedures, but he turned out to be a catfish living in Alabama. She was supposed to be featured on an episode of Catfish, but it never aired because she assaulted the man on camera, and the police seized the footage. She got off with probation, so at least this version of Khloé never went to jail.
Kylie Jenner
After graduating from high school, Kylie spent half a semester at Arizona State before moving back home because she “wasn’t vibing with it.” After a year of realizing things doing nothing, Kylie got a job as a bottle service girl at a club in LA, where she met and began dating a much-older Hollywood executive. They got married in Mykonos, and none of her family was invited. And yes, her lips are still huge.
Kendall Jenner
Thanks to her long legs, Kendall Jenner still became a model, but without those insane family connections, she’s not walking the runways of Paris and Milan or on the cover of Vogue. Her big break was doing the in-store photos for Gap once a few years ago, and since then she’s mostly done Kohl’s catalogues and some commercial work. She’s saving up to get her own place, but for now she lives with five roommates in a three-bedroom apartment in Downtown LA.
Kris Jenner
Though Kris was already managing her daughters in 2006, after a couple of years there was nothing really left to manage. After her divorce from Caitlyn Jenner, Kris moved in with Kim and her husband in Nashville or Orlando or wherever, and she now spends her days drinking screwdrivers and harassing her divorce attorney to get her more alimony. When Kylie got married to her rich husband, Kris tried to sneak into the wedding, but she got escorted off the premises by security.
Rob Kardashian
Rob, Rob, Rob…where would Rob Kardashian be now? Actually, he did okay, graduating from USC with a business degree in 2009, and later following in his father’s footsteps by going to law school. He passed the California Bar exam on his third try and quickly established himself as a defense attorney. But after representing Scott in the case that got him sent to prison, his career stalled. He now works at an insurance company doing sales, and he married the receptionist, a woman named Angela Renée White. So yeah, Blac Chyna really became Angela Renée Kardashian after all. And they lived happily ever after.
Images: Giphy (7)
It’s been a weird few years in the life of Rob Kardashian, and I have many questions about his life. Ever since his relationship with Blac Chyna crashed and burned back in 2017, Rob has pretty much been back in exile. He’ll resurface every once in a while, but mostly he just gets half-hearted birthday wishes from his siblings on Instagram. It’s been ages since he’s been seen at a major family event like the Kylie Skin launch party, and he doesn’t even make it on the family Khristmas Kard.
Yesterday, something seemed off when Kris Jenner all of a sudden posted telling people to go follow Rob’s Instagram page. I mean, is Rob Kardashian really that desperate for followers? Does he even really use his Instagram? A quick look at his feed shows that he first posted last summer, but then wasn’t active again until a couple weeks ago. Most of the posts are just ads for his sock line, Arthur George, which is apparently still a thing. Sidenote: if you’ve ever bought Arthur George socks, please detail your experience in the comments.
Kourtney Kardashian also posted an Instagram story on Wednesday telling everyone to go follow Rob. These posts seemed a little fishy to begin with—what does Rob Kardashian have going on that he desperately needs this thirsty publicity from his mom and sister? I already had questions, but then I noticed something on Rob’s profile that made my head spin.
“Account managed by Jenner Communications.”
WHAT. Okay, first thing, why is Rob Kardashian not running his own Instagram account? But more importantly, WHAT THE F*CK IS JENNER COMMUNICATIONS? Does Kris have a secret communications empire that we know nothing about? Does Kris have secret agents everywhere? Is this *literally* a case for the FBI? All I know is that my new mission in life is to go undercover and intern at Jenner Communications.
I did a little digging, and I’m pleased to announce that I found the website for Jenner Communications…which might actually be called Kardashian Jenner Communications, it’s a little hard to tell.
This looks…janky, and it also does nothing to convince me that Jenner Communications isn’t a front for the FBI. The page for Jenner Communications on Glassdoor has three employee reviews that are all completely negative, but to be fair, I’m not convinced that any of these people actually worked there.
Omg. Imagine having Kris Jenner as your boss at an internship. If I walked into my summer internship and the first task I was given was managing Rob Kardashian’s sock Instagram, I would faint from excitement. Speaking of Rob’s Instagram, let’s get back to the real issue at hand here: why isn’t Rob Kardashian managing his own Instagram account?
The good people at TMZ got the important info directly from Instagram. Apparently, Rob Kardashian is still banned from Instagram for posting revenge porn of Blac Chyna back in 2017. That seems like it was longer ago, but it was honestly horrifying, so he deserves it. Due to the ban, Rob’s official Instagram account is technically a fan account, and there are specific guidelines about how it has to be managed.
First, Rob isn’t allowed to create or post any of the content on the account, which explains why it’s managed by Jenner Communications (aka the FBI, I’m sure of it). Additionally, the bio and all of the captions for the account can’t be written in first person. Basically, Instagram wants everyone to know that Rob has nothing to do with his account. According to TMZ, Insta has no plans to lift Rob’s ban anytime soon. I’m fine with that.
So basically, Rob Kardashian is still banned from Instagram, which means that some poor lucky intern has to post the photos of the Arthur George DILF socks. Sadly, it’s not me. Brb, going to go devote my life to being a Jenner Communications truther. It’s the only thing that matters to me now.
Images: krisjenner, robkardashianofficial / Instagram; Kardashian Jenner Communications; Glassdoor
Yesterday was obviously St. Patrick’s Day, but it was also another important holiday: Rob Kardashian’s birthday. The long-lost Kardashian son has been out of the spotlight in the last couple of years, but he’s still a part of the family. Sunday was his 32nd birthday, and pretty much the entire family took to Instagram to send him birthday wishes. While it looks like he didn’t get an extravagant party à la Stormiworld, he wasn’t completely forgotten. Let’s take a look at who really stepped up for Rob’s birthday, and who could’ve put a little more effort into their #content.
I’ll start with the most surprising birthday post, and really, I was truly shocked when I saw it. It comes from none other than Blac Chyna, Rob Kardashian’s baby mama, ex-fiancée, revenge porn victim, and legal adversary. Wow, a lot has changed in the last three years. Chyna posted a simple story that was sandwiched between two Fashion Nova ads, which is honestly exactly where it belongs.
What does it all mean? Are Rob and Chyna on speaking terms again after all this time? Or is Blac Chyna just being nice as a technicality so she’ll look less petty in their child custody case? There’s literally nothing I would put past these two, so who really knows. Really, I’m just hopeful that this means baby Dream is having more of a normal childhood, because no kid deserves to have their parents battling each other in court.
Kim Kardashian has always been close with her brother Rob, and she posted one of the nicest birthday messages for him. It’s definitely an old photo, which is especially nice of Kim to show Rob in his prime, and the caption about him being a great dad is really sweet.
As it should be, Rob got the best birthday shoutout from his mom. Kris posted a bunch of adorable throwback pictures, and then one more recent one of her and Rob with Dream. Say what you want about Kris, but she really loves all her kids and grandkids. Even if Rob doesn’t really fit in with his family of mega-influencers, Kris loves him just the same.
Kourtney’s post might have been my favorite one. It’s an old video of Rob getting interviewed by his sister, in which he says that the one thing he wants people to know if he dies is that he’s a grower, not a shower. This is the kind of classic Kardashian sh*t I really live for. Rob used to be so cute and normal, and I miss him.
And to wrap things up, the award for Doing The Least goes to one Khloé Kardashian, because she barely did anything. She couldn’t even be bothered to find a photo of Rob, and instead mentioned him in the caption of a slideshow of pictures of True dressed up for St. Patrick’s Day. Really Khloé, you couldn’t have just tacked a photo of Rob onto the end? I feel like she literally forgot it was his birthday and then went back and edited the caption later.
Kendall and Kylie didn’t post on their feeds for Rob’s birthday, but they both posted Stories, and I’ll accept that. Not everyone needs to do a crazy birthday post, and those ladies have branded deals that are way more important than posting a throwback photo with their half-brother they probably haven’t seen in a year. Kylie’s Story even had a picture of a cake that said “Happy Birthday Rob”, so we can presume that they all actually saw Rob on his birthday and didn’t just put up a half-hearted post (like you do for all your college friends’ birthdays nowadays). Oh, and if anyone was wondering, Caitlyn Jenner didn’t post anything, because she’s not exactly on the best terms with the Kardashians. Maybe next year!
Images: @blacchyna, @kimkardashian, @krisjenner, @kourtneykardash, @khloekardashian / Instagram
I am so pro-tattoos, guys. I even have one. It’s a teeny design from a literary reference. You know what it’s not? A relationship-related tattoo. Because, unlike many of our favorite celebs, I am not a f*cking moron. For some reason in the world of Hollywood, it’s considered super cool and romantic to get your partner’s name or some kind of matching tat with your current lover. Considering I’ve had milk in my fridge longer than most celebrity relationships, this is a very, very dumb idea. And once their confronted with the realities of their mistake, or the drugs wear off, celebs have no choice but to try to cover up their poor choices. Here are the worst celebrity couples tattoos to remind you to think before you ink.
Pete Davidson & Ariana Grande
The reigning king and queen of tattoo f*ckups, and the source of a lot of drama recently, Ariana and Pete’s short-term relationship resulted in so many tattoos to cover up. Pete had Ariana’s bunny ear mask behind his ear, Ariana has “always” on her ribs in Pete’s handwriting. They have matching tattoos of: hearts, the word “reborn”, “H2GKMO” which apparently means “honest to God, knock me out”, clouds, Pete’s dad’s badge number, the phrase “mille tendresse”, and each other’s name/initials on their ring fingers. Like, how did they even have time for that many couples tattoos? Did they just schedule a recurring weekly appointment? With the end of their engagement, the tattoo cover-ups have started. But joke’s on them, because it seems that they now have new matching tattoos of black hearts—one to cover Pete’s bunny mask and one that covers Pete’s name on Ariana’s finger. Pete also has a teeny A next to his black heart. I guess so he can remember who gave it to him? How poetic.
Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson Show Off Matching Black Heart Tattoos Weeks After Split https://t.co/HGAeEB99OP pic.twitter.com/44kjuaJQhH
— Get Asian News (@GetAsianNews) November 23, 2018
Pete is on this list ~again~ because this is not the only time he’s had to cover up an awful relationship tattoo. Literally, earlier this year, he covered up some real scary tattoos of his ex Cazzie David, as well as some questionable quotes. You’d think he would have learned.
ALSO, Ariana Grande recently covered up *another* tattoo related to Pete. She had previously gotten his dad’s badge number on her foot, but it’s since been covered up with the name “Myron”, which is the name of Mac Miller’s dog. So I guess she’s not that grateful for her ex after all… too soon? You’re right, probably too soon.
Adrienne Bailon & Rob Kardashian
Who even remembers a world where Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon dated total trash like Rob Kardashian? What’s even weirder is the fact that I don’t think he was even trash back then. He was fit, alert, in school at USC, and I think he wanted to go to law school? Who would have thought he’d become the sad sack he is now, with a baby mama like Blac Chyna, and his mom running his sock line? Anyway. Rob’s life took a turn for the pathetic after he cheated on Adrienne, who got her ass TF out. Unforunately, said ass was still branded with Rob’s name. It’s unknown whether Bailon put something else over the probs pretty bad scar left from her tattoo removal, but let’s just hope it’s not another relationship tattoo.
Rob, meanwhile, covered up his Adrienne tattoo on his rib cage with a Rita Ora design that Kim K herself referred to as, “a life-sized Barbie doll that has now turned into a Cabbage Patch” with Rob’s weight gain. Not nice, Kim. We don’t know what it looks like now, but I’m going to say probs not amazing.
Angelina Jolie
Before Angelina was the mother of a litter, she was a wild child who wore vials of other people’s blood as fashion and got celebrity couples tattoos. The “Billy Bob” on her arm is for Billy Bob Thornton, which she eventually got removed and replaced with her kid’s birthplace coordinates. She was Billy Bob’s fifth marriage, so I kinda think she should have seen this coming. At least the cover-up is about her kids and not Brad. You’re stuck with your kids forever.
Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards
Charlie and Denise had a tumultuous relationship, but that didn’t stop them from getting each other’s names tattooed on their limbs. Charlie got his covered up by the anthem of his mental breakdown, “Winning”, and Denise got a v strange little fairy on hers.
Celebrity tattoo fails Link: https://t.co/xkNFQSVal8#DeniseRichards #Celebrity #tattoo #failshttp://ift.tt/1h6Q5VL pic.twitter.com/0PoznQTY9z
— spothifi.com (@onemusic_tv) October 28, 2015
Johnny Depp
It’s easy to forget that Johnny Depp and Winona Rider were a thing in the 90s/early 2000s, but it’s probably because most of you weren’t even f*cking born yet. Johnny got “Winona Forever” tatted on him after only five months of dating. The couple lasted three years before finally calling it quits and Johnny lasered off part of his tattoo. It now reads “Wino Forever”. I would be mad at it, but it’s a lifestyle. More specifically, my lifestyle.
Images: johnnydeppofficial, angelinajolieofficial / Instagram; onemusic_tv, getasiannews / Twitter; klassicalmuzik / Youtube
It’s legendary train wreck Rob Kardashian’s 30th birthday on March 17, and honestly I wasn’t even sure what to do about it. Is there anything to celebrate? Is there more to Rob’s existence than posting revenge porn and retweeting things about baseball? Unclear. So for Rob Kardashian’s birthday, I’m doing what seems most appropriate, and getting to the bottom of a vital question: where did it all go wrong for Rob Kardashian? Get yourself a glass of wine (or a mimosa if you’re reading this before noon), because it’s a fucking saga.
In the last year, Rob Kardashian has obviously been in the news for his dramatic breakup and subsequent feud with Blac Chyna. From the moment we first found out these two were dating, we knew there was about a 2% chance it would turn out well. We weren’t sure how serious they were back in the beginning of 2016, but before we knew it, they were engaged and expecting a kid. Getting pregnant and/or engaged within the first six months of dating is always a sign of stable times to come. Their living nightmare of a relationship played out on the nauseating show Rob & Chyna in the fall of 2016, but they had already broken up by the time the show finished airing.
In the year since, Rob and Chyna have spent most of their time spewing toxic waste at each other on social media, and hopefully also caring for their infant child. Maybe. Rob’s worst moment was last summer, when he posted Chyna’s nudes, along with her phone number and allegations that cheated on him, on Instagram and Twitter. (Wow, was that only last summer? It simultaneously feels like yesterday and six lifetimes ago.) Cheating is obviously not good, but revenge porn is just never okay. This was probably the moment when we knew that Rob had fully lost his mind, but things were going south for him years before he ever met Blac Chyna.
There was a time when Rob was probably the fittest member of the Kardashian family, but now that feels so long ago it might as well be a cave painting. Rob put on a lot of weight starting in 2013, and he became increasingly isolated at the time. He almost never appeared on KUWTK, and he literally skipped Kim and Kanye’s wedding. Did the Kardashians exile Rob because he got fat? Or did he get fat because they exiled him? He says that his disappearance was due to him not feeling good about himself, which I get, but also, like, damn. In 2015, Rob was hospitalized after being diagnosed with diabetes, which is a pretty sure sign you’re not in a good place.
So yeah, Rob wasn’t doing so great from 2013 onward, but what was his life like even before he got fat?
In 2012, Rob seemed like he really wanted his life to be on a positive track. His late father was famous for being a successful attorney, and he had plans to follow in his dad’s footsteps. Rob, a USC alum, tweeted in August that he would be enrolling in USC’s law school that fall, but he was sorely confused. USC responded to the news, saying that Rob hadn’t even applied to the school, and that he definitely wouldn’t be attending anytime soon. Rob’s law career could have been so promising, if only he had, like, applied or something?
Years before the law school debacle, we met Rob as a sweet 20-year-old. He was still in college on the first season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and we honestly loved how he would just roll his eyes at literally everything Kim did. Simpler times, truly. At the time, he was dating Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon, and they seemed perfect together. Rob was obviously head over heels for Adrienne, but he fucked it up just like everything else in his life. For a long time, there was no concrete answer to why they broke up in 2009, but we got the info years later.
Adrienne confirmed that Rob cheated on her, which is annoyingly predictable. She complained that people always give her shit for not sticking with Rob, even though he’s the one who fucked her over. Meanwhile, his sisters took to social media to defend him, subtweeting Adrienne with the rage of high schoolers who didn’t get invited to the cool prom afterparty. Kim, Khloé, we love you, but your cheating mess of a brother really didn’t need your help on this one.
So where did it all go wrong for Rob Kardashian? Basically, Rob has been a mess since at least 2009, and possibly earlier. He’s had almost a full decade to get help, but it really seems like he’s still just content to be a disaster. There’s no telling when he’ll stop making tragic life decisions, but hopefully he’s done posting revenge porn. Happy birthday Rob, we really hope 2018 is your year!
Images: Giphy (5)
When you think about it, Instagram has really evolved. It started as a platform for us to share pictures of our chevron nail art with the Nashville filter, and now it’s a lucrative way to exploit the shit out of your non-consenting baby. While most people just post tons of pictures of their kids to get more likes, celebrities have the unique opportunity to trick thousands of people into following an Instagram account for their kid, and thus, the world of celebrity baby Instagram accounts was born.
The concept of celebrity baby Instagram accounts is pretty dark when you think about it. First of all, half of them are verified accounts, even though the kid has no idea what Instagram even is. Secondly, a lot of celebrity parents write their posts in first person, which almost always ends up sounding super creepy. Granted, most celebrities don’t create separate accounts for their babies, probably because they’ve seen Black Mirror, or something. I mean, Snooki and JWoww rose to fame by peeing in bushes at a nightclub at the Jersey Shore, and even they have enough decency to not create official Instagram accounts for their children. Thankfully, there are still some people who love attention enough to create ridiculous celebrity baby Instagram accounts for our personal creeping purposes, and here they are. These celebrity baby Instagram accounts are very absurd, and you should follow immediately. But like, let the record state that I am aware that I probably shouldn’t judge. I can’t even keep a succulent alive, and am currently pretty stressed out by the simple task of managing my mom’s dog’s Instagram.
1. Gunner Pratt
Heidi and Spencer Pratt are on a transparent mission to “Make Speidi Famous Again,” and in addition to like, selling crystals and having a podcast, a publicity baby is a major cornerstone in their plan to become relevant again. It just makes sense for little Gunner to have his own account, even if the captions are the most boring shit I’ve read since Nicholas Sparks books were a thing.
2. Asahd Tuck Khaled
With 1.2 million followers, Asahd is the undisputed ruler of the baby celebrity Instagram game. But like, duh. His first words were probably “WE THE BEST.” (His first words were? First words will be? When do babies start talking? Although I have strong opinions on the best baby social media practices, I literally know nothing about children.) This kid is already an executive producer. He probably has his own team of interns handling his social media. Asahd even appeared on the cover of PAPER without the presence of a parent, which automatically makes him better than every other celebrity baby. Damn, I guess he really is the best.
3. Emerson Avery Tolbert
Emerson has been branded a “Paradise baby” by her parents, Bachelor in Paradise stars Jade and Tanner. Clever. Her Instagram bio says her account is a space for her parents to have a “virtual baby book,” but I’m going to call bullshit. What’s going to happen when Instagram isn’t a thing anymore? Put those pics on the cloud, or like, one of those digital picture frame things they sell at Bed, Bath and Beyond that nobody’s grandma can figure out. This account was definitely intended to someday be used for subscription box opening videos.
4. Baby Chanel Nicole
Chanel Nicole is the daughter of Ice-T and Coco Austin. Yep, in case you forgot (you probably did), Coco named her daughter Chanel, and they play up the whole “Coco Chanel” thing as frequently as possible. This is basically a continuation of Ice Loves Coco, but with more “mommy and me” outfit pictures and baby pedicures. Also, Chanel looks just like Ice-T, which is a trip every single time.
5. Dream Kardashian
Dream Kardashian has a verified Instagram account with almost a million followers. She doesn’t follow anyone, or have any posts (which is why I didn’t include any below), but she’s tagged in SO many photos. And she still has 948k followers, so brb while I just go evaluate all my life choices. Poor little Dream’s Instagram account used to have like, two photos or something, but was probably forced to be taken down by Kris Jenner until she can figure out how to effectively rebrand a grandkid named Dream (good luck with Stormi, btw). By the time Dream is old enough to appreciate the fact that her parents locked down a coveted first name Instagram handle, IG will have suffered the same fate as MySpace and she’ll be pissed that money didn’t just go straight to her trust fund.
6. Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr.
The daughter of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian has a following that pales in comparison to Dream Kardashian’s, but she’s a little bit younger and has a fucking Vogue cover under her belt, so she’s still basically untouchable. She has already perfected the art of naturally sinking “link in bio” into a caption, so the future is looking bright for this one.
7. Sophia Abraham
Okay, so, judging by the fact that she’s rocking braces and a matte lip, it appears that Sophia Abraham is no longer a baby. Who knew? I’m still going to throw her on this list, because this Teen Mom spawn’s Instagram is effing ridiculous. This kid has practically been having a temper tantrum for eight years straight, and probably has more Us Weekly exclusives under her belt than all of Bachelor Nation combined. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this kid goes. At the rate she’s going, I genuinely think she’s capable of resurrecting the Britney Spears/Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan train wreck era.
In case you live a full and fulfilling life and you don’t spend 3-4 hours a night scrolling through the black hole that is the Kardashian’s internet presence (Hi), then you might not have known that yesterday was the 10th anniversary of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. That’s right, it’s been 10 years since this cesspool of a family graced our television screens and our hearts. 10 YEARS. I would say I’m both alarmed and disgusted by this information but I 100 percent show up every fucking Sunday to Keep Up so I recognize I’m part of the problem here. Whatever. But this got me thinking, where would the Kardashians be today if Kim had never strategically planned accidentally leaked her sex tape? Would she still be famous for taking nudes selfies or would she be a valued, productive member of society? Lol KIDDING. Even in an alternate reality Kimmy would be about as valued in society as Trump’s tweets about the Emmys, but it’s fun to speculate, isn’t it? But why stop at Kim? Tbh I already know exactly where these bitches would be without their fame Kris Jenner exploiting their bodies and personal lives every second of every day, and trust me, it is not pretty. So, in case you’ve always wondered, this is where every member of the Kardashian Klan would have ended up if no one gave a shit about Kim’s sex tape:
Kourtney Kardashian
Kourtney was the only Kardashian to get a college degree and thus is the only member of that family who could actually get a job outside of selling hair vitamins on social media. That said, she’s still a trust fund baby and would 100 percent only use that degree for cocktail hour fodder because that is the way this world works. Kourtney would have continued to run Dash with her sisters until she decided to create her own, organic-eco-friendly-dye-free-still-made-in-China clothing line called Kourtney & Ko (I didn’t say she’d be original). Once a year she goes on a “mommy’s retreat” to Cabo where she gets wasted off tequila and sleeps with the hotel pool boy before coming home a week later to shuttle her kids to mommy-and-me yoga classes while stalking the pool boy on Instagram between poses.
Khloé Kardashian
Khloé would never have gotten skinny because whatever inheritance she got would not have covered the millions of dollars that girl spent exorcising her daddy issues on plastic surgery and personal trainers. Her anger at watching her sisters become prettier and skinnier over the years would have manifested itself in more than one DUI and all of her mug shots would have been framed in Kim’s house above the fireplace mantel. To exercise her anger in a healthy way she would have come up with an anonymous meme account where she trolls her sisters on a daily basis from the privacy of the Dash employee locker room. Eventually Khloé would have settled down with her ex-boyfriend from high school after he slid into her DM’s on her 30th birthday. Mazel tov.
Kylie Jenner
Tbh I’m pretty sure Kylie would still be probably knocked up at 20 years old. I mean, this is the same girl who was 10 years old and gyrating on a stripper pole in the family living room. TEN. YEARS. OLD. So, yeah, either way I think she’s pretty on track with how her life was meant to go. After announcing her pregnancy via a 10-minute Instagram story, Kylie would document her entire pregnancy journey for all of her high school friends followers to witness. Upon the birth of her child she would spend three months in hiding a facility for “anxiety issues” and would return after an extensive about of lipo time “realizing stuff.”
^^Never forget
Kendall Jenner
Kendall, being the only semi-normal member of that family, would have gone on to the University of Arizona to follow in her sister Kourtney’s footsteps. The only modeling she would have done would be for her sorority’s annual charity calendar and her fratty boyfriend’s amateur porn collection. Eventually she would have graduated with a degree in something useless and married the college boyfriend whose family has the most money with the biggest heart.
Scott Disick
Scott would still be with Kourtney and they would still have three of the most adorable kids to ever grace my Instagram news feed. Kourtney would have briefly considered dumping Scott’s ass when he shoved a 100 dollar bill down Chuckles The Clown’s throat at Mason’s first birthday party, but spent one day on Raya and realized the real world is not full of models just dying to date you and took him back. Instead of spending his days driving private plans and banging 19-year-old Instagram thots on European beaches, Scott would be driving the carpool line and banging the 19-year-old nanny while Kourt’s out at the PTA meeting. And they say romance is dead.
Rob Kardashian
It’s hard for me to make assumptions about the youngest Kardashian sibling because he is legit batshit, as evidenced by his relationship with Blac Chyna. That said, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that if his family never got famous he would probably have finished college. Probably. Even though he graduated with a degree in business, he had a GPA of 2.5, and thus he got no job offers after graduation. His Cheetah Girl girlfriend would try to drop his ass the second Disney tried to make a franchise out of a movie that supports cheetah print tracksuits as a fashion movement. To combat this, Rob would try poking holes in the condom during their breakup sex to trap her into a lifelong relationship with him. But it wouldn’t work, because without his last name to make him attractive to social-climbing strippers, no one would dare bare his offspring.
Kris Jenner
With no scandals to propel her children into superstardom, Kris would have tried literally every trend to ever blow up on the internet. Seriously, you should have seen her Vine account. Her current obsession is “modeling” for Flat Tummy Tea and waist trainers. That’s right, the most powerful matriarch of the 21st century would be reduced to selling black market laxatives like a Bachelor contestant who made it to hometowns. She would spend her days shamelessly DMing Ryan Seacrest on Twitter about reality TV show ideas and plotting out all the ways in which she can divorce Caitlyn for stretching out her favorite Balmain dress, which she had to buy two seasons late.
Kim Kardashian
And last but not least, we have the woman behind it all: Kimberly Noel Kardashian West. Before fame Kris Jenner micromanaged the fuck out of her sex tape, Kim was just another rich girl in Calabasas, riding on the coattails of someone else’s family inheritance. *cough* PARIS HILTON *cough* And I think we all know where Kim would be rn if Kris hadn’t stepped in to shamelessly whore out her daughter to the media:
Mmm, yes, this all feels so right.
Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:
10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)
I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you, Areola Dusty Rose.
9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)
I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.
^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.
8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)
Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:
7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)
Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?
6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)
We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?
5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)
SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.
4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)
As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.
3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)
A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.
2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)
Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!
1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)
I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.
Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.
Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*
Me:
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