Where Each Member Of The Kardashian Family Would Be Today If Kim Never Made A Sex Tape

In case you live a full and fulfilling life and you don’t spend 3-4 hours a night scrolling through the black hole that is the Kardashian’s internet presence (Hi), then you might not have known that yesterday was the 10th anniversary of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. That’s right, it’s been 10 years since this cesspool of a family graced our television screens and our hearts. 10 YEARS. I would say I’m both alarmed and disgusted by this information but I 100 percent show up every fucking Sunday to Keep Up so I recognize I’m part of the problem here. Whatever. But this got me thinking, where would the Kardashians be today if Kim had never strategically planned accidentally leaked her sex tape? Would she still be famous for taking nudes selfies or would she be a valued, productive member of society? Lol KIDDING. Even in an alternate reality Kimmy would be about as valued in society as Trump’s tweets about the Emmys, but it’s fun to speculate, isn’t it? But why stop at Kim? Tbh I already know exactly where these bitches would be without their fame Kris Jenner exploiting their bodies and personal lives every second of every day, and trust me, it is not pretty. So, in case you’ve always wondered, this is where every member of the Kardashian Klan would have ended up if no one gave a shit about Kim’s sex tape:

Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney was the only Kardashian to get a college degree and thus is the only member of that family who could actually get a job outside of selling hair vitamins on social media. That said, she’s still a trust fund baby and would 100 percent only use that degree for cocktail hour fodder because that is the way this world works. Kourtney would have continued to run Dash with her sisters until she decided to create her own, organic-eco-friendly-dye-free-still-made-in-China clothing line called Kourtney & Ko (I didn’t say she’d be original). Once a year she goes on a “mommy’s retreat” to Cabo where she gets wasted off tequila and sleeps with the hotel pool boy before coming home a week later to shuttle her kids to mommy-and-me yoga classes while stalking the pool boy on Instagram between poses.

Khloé Kardashian

Khloé would never have gotten skinny because whatever inheritance she got would not have covered the millions of dollars that girl spent exorcising her daddy issues on plastic surgery and personal trainers. Her anger at watching her sisters become prettier and skinnier over the years would have manifested itself in more than one DUI and all of her mug shots would have been framed in Kim’s house above the fireplace mantel. To exercise her anger in a healthy way she would have come up with an anonymous meme account where she trolls her sisters on a daily basis from the privacy of the Dash employee locker room. Eventually Khloé would have settled down with her ex-boyfriend from high school after he slid into her DM’s on her 30th birthday. Mazel tov.

Khloe Kardashian

Kylie Jenner

Tbh I’m pretty sure Kylie would still be probably knocked up at 20 years old. I mean, this is the same girl who was 10 years old and gyrating on a stripper pole in the family living room. TEN. YEARS. OLD. So, yeah, either way I think she’s pretty on track with how her life was meant to go. After announcing her pregnancy via a 10-minute Instagram story, Kylie would document her entire pregnancy journey for all of her high school friends followers to witness. Upon the birth of her child she would spend three months in hiding a facility for “anxiety issues” and would return after an extensive about of lipo time “realizing stuff.”

^^Never forget

Kendall Jenner

Kendall, being the only semi-normal member of that family, would have gone on to the University of Arizona to follow in her sister Kourtney’s footsteps. The only modeling she would have done would be for her sorority’s annual charity calendar and her fratty boyfriend’s amateur porn collection. Eventually she would have graduated with a degree in something useless and married the college boyfriend whose family has the most money with the biggest heart.

Kendall Jenner

Scott Disick

Scott would still be with Kourtney and they would still have three of the most adorable kids to ever grace my Instagram news feed. Kourtney would have briefly considered dumping Scott’s ass when he shoved a 100 dollar bill down Chuckles The Clown’s throat at Mason’s first birthday party, but spent one day on Raya and realized the real world is not full of models just dying to date you and took him back. Instead of spending his days driving private plans and banging 19-year-old Instagram thots on European beaches, Scott would be driving the carpool line and banging the 19-year-old nanny while Kourt’s out at the PTA meeting. And they say romance is dead.

Rob Kardashian

It’s hard for me to make assumptions about the youngest Kardashian sibling because he is legit batshit, as evidenced by his relationship with Blac Chyna. That said, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that if his family never got famous he would probably have finished college. Probably. Even though he graduated with a degree in business, he had a GPA of 2.5, and thus he got no job offers after graduation. His Cheetah Girl girlfriend would try to drop his ass the second Disney tried to make a franchise out of a movie that supports cheetah print tracksuits as a fashion movement. To combat this, Rob would try poking holes in the condom during their breakup sex to trap her into a lifelong relationship with him. But it wouldn’t work, because without his last name to make him attractive to social-climbing strippers, no one would dare bare his offspring.

Rob Kardashian

Kris Jenner

With no scandals to propel her children into superstardom, Kris would have tried literally every trend to ever blow up on the internet. Seriously, you should have seen her Vine account. Her current obsession is “modeling” for Flat Tummy Tea and waist trainers. That’s right, the most powerful matriarch of the 21st century would be reduced to selling black market laxatives like a Bachelor contestant who made it to hometowns. She would spend her days shamelessly DMing Ryan Seacrest on Twitter about reality TV show ideas and plotting out all the ways in which she can divorce Caitlyn for stretching out her favorite Balmain dress, which she had to buy two seasons late.

Kim Kardashian

And last but not least, we have the woman behind it all: Kimberly Noel Kardashian West. Before fame Kris Jenner micromanaged the fuck out of her sex tape, Kim was just another rich girl in Calabasas, riding on the coattails of someone else’s family inheritance. *cough* PARIS HILTON *cough* And I think we all know where Kim would be rn if Kris hadn’t stepped in to shamelessly whore out her daughter to the media:

Mmm, yes, this all feels so right. 

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).