If you’ve literally ever been to this website before, you know that we’re no strangers to following the never-ending drama of Bachelor Nation. Every other week, there’s a dramatic breakup, a casting announcement, or some former contestant doing something problematic on social media. It’s hard to really surprise us when it comes to Bachelor contestants, but every once in a while, there’s a story that really does come out of left field. Case in point: Peter Kraus and Nikki Bella, WWE and reality TV star, are reportedly dating. Huh?
Quick refresher: Peter Kraus was the runner-up on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, but he wasn’t ready to commit to getting engaged. Nikki Bella and her twin sister Brie are both models and WWE wrestlers, and they got famous on the E! reality show Total Divas. They then got their own spin-off show called Total Bellas, which is exactly as dumb as it sounds. Nikki famously was engaged to John Cena, but they broke up in April of this year, less than a month before they were supposed to get married. Sh*t got messy, and now she’s not even allowed to say his name in interviews.
We haven’t heard too much from Peter since he lost The Bachelorette last year, but then E! News dropped this fully wild photo of Peter Kraus and Nikki Bella over the weekend, causing all of Bachelor Nation to freak out simultaneously:
Jade Roper and I have the exact same feelings on this. Clearly a lot of Peter’s fellow Bachelor alums were also shocked by the news, with some major names popping up in the E! News comments. Here’s a little sample.
Dean: “Wtf @peterkrauswi why have you not mentioned this to me”
Wells: “Wait, what?”
Okay, so clearly no one knew about this “relationship” until it magically popped up on the E! News Instagram. That’s a little suspicious, considering that E! is the same network that airs Total Bellas, and they have a new season coming out soon. In fact, Peter and Nikki’s date was filmed for the show, and E! released a sneak peek featuring them meeting for the first time. Okay, has anything ever sounded more like a fake relationship? Peter has told none of his friends, it was filmed for TV, and it was reported by the same people that arranged it for the TV show.
Stranger things have happened, but I’m not recognizing this as a real relationship until I see some hard evidence. Acceptable forms of evidence include social media flirting, sex tapes, and/or paparazzi photos of them hanging out that aren’t just manufactured by E!. Until then, Peter is still single and he’s still going to marry me.
Images: @thebachelorbanter / Instagram; Giphy
Say what you will about Bachelor Nation, but we’re a dedicated bunch. Not only do we return, season after season, to endure the emotional abuse of watching beautiful people consistently get engaged to the WRONG PERSON (@Rachel Lindsay), but we do it all year long.
The Bachelor franchise has become the European soccer of the reality TV world. It’s on year-round with seemingly no break and the fans are crazy enough to accept that as a way of life. Also both get really worked up over fantasy leagues. Honestly, there’s serious cross-over potential here.
Almost every Monday night of our year (and in the summer, Mondays and Tuesdays) is spent watching a parade of Instagram models in bedazzled dresses, fitted suits, and flawless veneers parade across our TVs in the name of finding love. But do you know how much time that really is?
We do. And the burden of this information is something we can never unlearn.
Let’s just take the last year, yeah? If you watched Arie’s Season of The Bachelor, Becca’s Season of The Bachelorette, and the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise (assuming you’re watching live and therefore dealing with commercials), you’ve spent at least 68 hours watching Bachelor-related content. This doesn’t even account for the odd extended episode, or After the Final Rose special (because it’s garbage).
Sixty eight hours. Sixty. Eight. Hours. That’s almost three days. Three whole days of your life that you’ve dedicated to watching the tumultuous love lives of beautiful people with questionable motives unfold and implode on national television.
Do you ever wonder what you could have done with that time? What you could have accomplished if those 68 hours hadn’t been whisked away by Chris Harrison and 35 blonde girls named Lauren? Well we have, and went ahead and crunched the numbers to save you from throwing even more time into the bottomless pit that is the Bachelor franchise.
Assuming the average fight from NYC to LA is about six hours, you could have made the trip eleven times. Don’t like flying? Fancy something more scenic? Well you’re in luck, because you could still tackle the road trip, which comes in at just around 43 hours if you drive straight through. That leaves 25 whole hours for you to contemplate, for the millionth time, how the f*ck Rachel picked Bryan over Peter.
This weekend, Eliud Kipchoge broke the world record marathon time in Berlin, coming in at 2:01:39. That man, who has probably never worried if Chris/Chad/Jordan/Trevor/generic-white-guy-name is here for the right reasons, could run about 33 marathons in the time you’ve spent on your couch chugging wine and watching the “most dramatic season yet” fail to live up to the hype.
But you don’t care about marathons. Hell, you probably don’t even care about running. But say you went out right now and tried to bust out a mile—even your untrained legs could probably run about 340 of them in the time that you’ve spent watching SugarBearHair vitamin ambassadors hand out roses to other SugarBearHair vitamin ambassadors.
Remember when you were a kid and your family owned Titanic on VHS, and it came on two tapes because it was just that long? Well instead of watching two near-strangers slow dance to a jarring number of private country music concerts, you could have watched Jack and Rose steam up that old-timey car 20 times. Could have wept watching that old couple cuddle in bed as water rushed into their room 20 times. Could have watched Leonardo DiCaprio’s freezing body sink to the bottom of the Atlantic 20 times.
They couldn’t have shared the door. It’s a buoyance thing. Don’t @ me.
The average commute in NYC is 35.9 minutes one-way (RIP Cynthia Nixon’s dreams of a functional MTA). This seems generous, but let’s go with it. Chris Harrison has stolen 113 commutes from you, in just three seasons of reality television.
It took me about an hour to sit here on a Sunday night, hungover and attempting to do basic math, just to write out this low-key pedantic list of things that I could have accomplished rather than watching The Bachelor for the past year and a half. Well guess what? I could have done this SIXTY-EIGHT TIMES.
68 listicles full of Bachelor franchise deep cuts. 68 odes to the world that Mike Fleiss built. Would that have been a better use of my time? Probably not. But it’s good to know that I’ve got options.
Anyway, catch me on my couch this January, ready to watch an uncomfortable number of virginity puns for Colton’s season of The Bachelor. Some habits die hard, you know?
Images: Giphy (3)
By now we all know that being on The Bachelor or its adjacent shows is simply a gateway to
finding love becoming a D-List celebrity. Basically every ex-contestant leaves their day job the day they step foot in the mansion, and while some have since found success as a writer (Andi Dorfman), a sportscaster (Jordan Rodgers), or professional gym-selfie taker/Lifetime Network actor (Nick Viall), most are making the big bucks by simply peddling random shit on Instagram. Oh, the places you can go when you are hot and have no shame…
If you haven’t seen their ads by now, then please tell me how you have the self control to NOT follow them on Instagram. Because I have been suckered into trying at least one of their “favorite” products and I am still considering getting a pair of DIFF Eyewear shades. But for those of you that are considering a career in post-Bachelor product placement ads or can’t decide if you should take retail advice from ex-reality TV stars who obviously didn’t spend their own money on those items: here is our breakdown of the most popular products among ex-Bachelor contestants and our
unsolicited opinion on whether or not you should give them a try.
Pushed heavily by Jojo, this subscription box costs $49.99 and is filled with “seasonal” beauty, style, and fitness products. I seriously wonder how much of this shit Jojo actually uses and how much ends up in her trash can. It does, however, appear to be worth the money. The items in each box are worth around $200 and you get them for less than $50. So if you are into random shit that you don’t need and don’t pick out—go ahead and sign up.
2. SugarBearHair Vitamins
Yes, Amanda Stanton has incredible hair, but I seriously doubt it is because of a gummy vitamin that looks like a Care Bear. Most likely it’s a combination of extensions and good genes, and the extra Biotin from these cartoon candies isn’t making a whole lot of difference. I am however, impressed by her ability to carry the weight of all that hair on her 90-pound frame. Her head must be so strong. I can’t pretend to be a total hater, though, I did try these for awhile because I am a sucker with thin hair. They tasted delicious and my hair did seem shiny.
3. DIFF Eyewear
This Toms-esque company donates reading glasses for every pair of shades sold, so by now, Jade and Tanner have likely helped an entire African village with their close-up vision. The glasses cost $85 a pop (you can get 25% off if you use
my a Bachelor discount code), which seems a bit pricey for an item that is likely to get lost within a month. I have a serious sunglass addiction, so I will probably buy a pair before I finish writing this article—but I will feel bad about it. JK, I’ll be helping people read; this is a great use of money I don’t have. I do, however, recommend that you practice the restraint and stick to $15 knockoffs.
Meal prep/delivery companies like HelloFresh are popular among Bachelor celebrities Sean and Catherine, Olivia Caridi, Robby Hayes, and actually, everyone else. With plans of $9.99 per serving where you still have to do all the work/cooking, I really don’t understand how this is a superior option to delivery. I will gladly pay 10 extra dollars a meal to ensure I never have to clean a dish. But if you like to cook and don’t have the time to go shopping yourself, this seems like a more responsible subscription plan than a FabFitFun box.
5. MVMT Watches
Dean Unglert and his more attractive, less-of-a-fuckboy older brother figure, Peter “Why Aren’t You The Bachelor” Kraus, have both found a sponsor in MVMT watches. While I am glad there is some Instagram work for the men of the franchise, and these are nice looking watches, I don’t totally understand how this is a real company. Do people still wear watches? Is there some sort of watch revolution that I wasn’t aware of? I don’t get it, but I would hate someone wearing a MVMT less than I hate anyone wearing an Apple Watch—so if you are in the market for some wrist flair, go ahead and drop $100+ on one of these babies.
Even though Arie Luyaldkjareiowa Jr. is in full swing of filming his season of The Bachelor, many of us (hi) are still not over the loss of Peter Kraus. No, he didn’t like, die or anything, but he wasn’t chosen to grace our TV screens for 10 weeks in January, looking for love and Instagram sponsorships. It’s a damn shame. But that doesn’t mean Peter is staying out of the spotlight—the opposite, in fact. If you, like me, are a psycho who follows Bachelor Nation more closely than you follow the actual news, you’d know that Peter has been out and about in the press circuit, doing interviews, appearing on fellow Bachelor alums’ podcasts, and generally milking that runner-up fame. (Get yours, King.) Peter recently gave an exclusive interview to UsWeekly, and he answers a lot of our questions, such as “WHY?” and “HOW COULD YOU?” and “PLEASE COME BACK!” Okay, so that last one isn’t a question, but he does address if he will be coming back to the Bachelor franchise.
In his interview, Peter revealed that he was approached to be the next Bachelor a few weeks after filming wrapped, but it was more of a casual “is this something you’d be into?” than an explicit proposal (ironic). Peter said he was initially conflicted because when you surrender yourself and all your rights (presumably) to a reality TV show, you obviously don’t have control over everything that happens, and Peter is a self-proclaimed “control freak”. IDK about you, but it kind of makes me like him more. *Makes mental note to bring this up at my next therapy session* And although Peter initially said he was surprised that Arie Lufthansa Jr. was announced as the next Bachelor, Peter suggested to UsWeekly that the decision was a little more mutual than that. “I was not ready for this and they agreed,” he said.
I don’t know about you all, but I see that comment for what it is: an attempt by Peter to get back on Mike Fleiss’ good side so he can maybe be The Bachelor next season. I’m just saying. Why else would you act surprised and then turn around and claim the breakup was mutual? You wouldn’t. Peter is scheming, but I am not mad about it.
When asked about if he’s appearing on The Bachelor Winter Games, Peter said, “I’m just waiting to see. If offered, I’d probably do it.”
What are you waiting for, ABC? Are you guys STILL salty that this man wouldn’t propose on your damn show? Get over it, and get him a first-class ticket to wherever the fuck you’re filming these games. If you guys are waiting for a personal invitation, here it is. Go call Peter and invite him to compete on Winter Games. Shit, if y’all are too scared to call him, just give me his number and I’ll do the asking for you.
Praise the lord, our prayers have been answered: Peter Kraus is returning to The Bachelor, and it’s happening sooner than you think. No, Peter isn’t replacing Arie as the next Bachelor—filming is sadly very much under way, and I don’t think even ABC producers are that cold-hearted—but he will be appearing on The Bachelor Winter Games. And just like that, I’ve miraculously regained my will to live.
Mike Fleiss is apparently on somewhat of a Twitter rampage—I wonder if his account is run by our president?—because he’s been tweeting nonstop for the past 15 hours or so about Bachelor-related news. Also like our president, much of what he’s been saying has been completely nonsensical. For instance, he tweeted, “I will be looking for Hot Chocolate on #TheBachelor Winter Games”. Like… okay. What does that mean? Are we supposed to care about Mike Fleiss’ choice in hot beverages (it’s mulled wine or nothing, BTW)? Or is this some weirdly veiled and kinda racist way of hinting that Kenny and Eric might be on the show? Someone please advise.
Anyway, in the midst of all that nonsense, Mike Fleiss also tweeted something very important. Something about Peter. Brace yourselves and get a change of underwear ready, because Peter is coming back to your television. Here’s what the Almighty Fleiss had to say:
So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. Never going to take it for granted. Always going to give back. Thank you.
We don’t know a whole lot about The Bachelor Winter Games. We know it’s going to have old fan favorites from past seasons, and even people from Bachelor franchises in other countries (which, in my opinion, is lame but nobody asked me). Contestants will compete in winter themed games, and finding love will be involved somehow. So basically it’s going to be the poor man’s Bachelor in Paradise. With some relay races. Oh, and it will premiere in February 2018. That’s basically it.
Whatever. As long as Peter is there and he hasn’t gotten his gap fixed, I’m in.
Yesterday morning, you might have heard a very low shattering somewhere off in the distance. That was the sound of the hearts of Bachelor Nation collectively crumbling when Peter Kraus was not announced as the next Bachelor, and instead Arie Whatever-The-Fuck-His-Last-Name-Is was confirmed as the new lead. Whether you’re an Arie hater or a
fucking weirdo fan, we’ve all got to accept this loss eventually. Personally, I’m still in the denial phase of the grief process. The producers took the Bachelor gig away from Luke to give to Nick, who’s to say they won’t come to their senses and actually give the people what they want this time? But enough about how we feel. How does Peter feel? There were tons of rumors: that Peter wanted to be the Bachelor, that he didn’t want it, that he refused to propose at the end and it created a feud between him and the producers. Well Peter’s speaking out in light of the new announcement, and here’s what he has to say.
In a statement to E! News, Peter’s manager said, “Peter is very happy about the way things turned out and is happy for Arie. He thinks ABC made a great choice.” Ugh. Makes one of us. He continued, “Peter is going to focus on his passion, helping people through fitness and wellness. He is very thankful for the opportunity he was given with The Bachelorette. Things are going to be great for Peter Kraus fitness and his boot camps moving forward.” I mean, he’s not wrong. Before The Bachelorette, Peter was just a hot guy with a fitness business. Now he’s a hot guy America loves with a fitness business and a FabFitFun sponsorship. I hate to say this, but maybe this is good for Peter.
Peter also shared his feelings on the Bachelor franchise in a very emotional Instagram post. It’s long, so you might want to pop an Adderall.
#tbt to the most incredible journey of this life time that has now officially come to an end today. As I sit here writing this, I struggle to hold back the tears as I am overcome with emotion one last time. First and foremost.. Rachel, there are so very many things that I’ve wished I could say to you since the day we parted ways in Spain, but for everyone’s sake, I’ll keep it short… You gave me a chance and all that I can say is thank you. I have a heart filled with love for you now and always and wish you nothing but the best in your life and love ahead. ABC, you saw something in me, but something held me back. You treated me with such love and kindness and showed me glimpses of a life I never once dreamed that I could have. I will be forever humbled and grateful and will always look back at these last 6 months with an ear to ear smile, knowing that this has truly been a very special life indeed. Upon leaving the @bacheloretteabc I was asked, “what did you learn about yourself during this process?” And at the time I naively said “nothing that I can think of.” Now… looking back… I realize I learned one of the single greatest teachings of my life; When you let uncertainty or fear guide your decisions, you risk missing out on what could potentially be the greatest opportunity of a life time. So live dangerously, live without the fear of the unknown, and continue to live and love with a heart that is truly open to anything. #thankyou #lovealways
This is basically a hot emotionally unavailable dude’s way of saying “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” Also Peter is clearly still in love with Rachel. Ugh, forget The Notebook, Peter and Rachel is clearly the love story of the century. Look what he wrote about her. LOOK AT IT. You’d be hard-pressed to find any guy who would write about his current girlfriend that way, let alone a girl who dumped him on national television. Maybe love is real? IDK. I’m not sobbing, you’re sobbing!
Um. So. Anyway. Yeah. Peter isn’t the next Bachelor, probably never will be, and 2017 is a fiery hellscape. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to search for the will to continue living.
The Betches discuss the remaining couples on Bachelor in Paradise, the fact that Dean is not going to be the next Bachelor, our predictions for who it will be, and answer a listener email about meeting Daniel in person. We play would you rather about Taylor and Ben and Scallops and Jack Stone and end with a round of Shoot Fuck Marry.
Now that ABC is almost finished exploiting the shit out of the Corinne and Demario scandal and Bachelor in Paradise itself is as boring as that time my bf made me watch baseball, the only thing people really have to talk about regarding our fave show is who tf the next Bachelor is going to be. And, tbh no one really knows because all of the options suck. Dean is proving to be a total fuckboy on BiP. Eric is a total snooze-fest. And the best choice, model bae Peter, takes marriage seriously enough to not want to get engaged to a person he’s known for six weeks. Fucking psycho.
At first, exec producer Mike Fleiss hinted that Peter would make a terrible Bachelor because he probs won’t propose at the end of the show, which is kinda the whole point. Fair. Then former Bachelor bae Ben Higgins answered the question no one asked and said he would not be the next Bachelor. K, didn’t think you would be. And yesterday we reported that Reality Steve recently came out saying ABC actually does want Peter as the Bachelor and he told them no. All three of these scenarios lead us to a place where we still have no fucking clue who the next Bachelor will be. But the saga continues, my fellow trash-TV-watching friends. And who does the latest report come from? None other than fucking Chris Harrison himself. Harrison told PEOPLE that Peter “may make a great Bachelor. It’s not like it’s completely off the table.”
Just for complete disclosure, Harrison also said shit like on Rachel’s season Peter “learned that he’s not quite ready to really settle down and really commit” and that Peter being the Bachelor would be “really hard to spin.” But that’s bullshit. If I’ve learned anything in my decades of watching reality TV, it’s that you can spin anything. You’re telling me the hottest gap-toothed model to ever grace our televisions finding a woman he’s so sure is The One that his fears of getting married are erased, despite only going on four actual dates together wouldn’t bring in viewers? Smh, ABC. You’re better than this. So here’s hoping some miracle happens and Chris Harrison works his magic so Peter bae can fulfill his high school dream and become the Bachelor. Because choices B-D are bleak.
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