The phrase “Dream Team” gets thrown around a little too often. Whether it’s someone referring to a bagel and iced coffee combo or when your coworkers talk about their trivia team that came in third, it’s been a little overused. The only time in recent history that it was beyond appropriate, perhaps even understated? When referring to the new Little Women film adaptation.
Directed and written by Greta Gerwig, actual genius and force behind Lady Bird and Frances Ha, this film was immediately considered to be a Film Du Jour. On top of that, you have top female producers behind it and… a cast that is essentially Fantasy Football but for the Oscars: Saoirse Ronan, Emma Watson, Laura Dern, Timothee Chalamet and yeah, Meryl Streep. An aggressively white period piece with quirky mainstream talent is usually the definition of Oscar bait. Which is why so many people are confused as to why it’s barely making any buzz in the award circuit this for? Oh yeah, men.
The film’s big name producer Amy Pascal told Vanity Fair that male critics and awards voters don’t appear interested in a female-fronted film that tells the dynamic coming-of-age stories of a brilliant case of women.
According to Vanity Fair: “RSVPs for the first screening in October, as well as many others that Sony Pictures hosted around Los Angeles in recent weeks, were skewed about two to one in favor of women.”
“I don’t think that came to the screenings in droves, let me put it that way,” Pascal told the outlet. “And I’m not sure when they got their DVDs that they watched them.” She also noted she believes the skewed audience is more “unconscious bias” than “a malicious rejection,”
While women are mainly showing up for the screenings, men still dominate voting membership for major awards, though organizations are making progress towards gender parity.
It’s unfortunately not shocking that men aren’t flocking to this “coming-of-age period drama” because unfortunately John Wick is in zero scenes. Additionally, the title is a combination of two of their least favorite words: Little (unlike their penis, they swear) and Women. And no, this isn’t an Elizabeth Banks defending Charlies Angels like reasoning, but it sounds like they quite literally just aren’t showing up.
The snubbing has already begun with the Screen Actors Guild Awards COMPLETELY shutting out the film, which has a 97% Rotten Tomatoes score. (Don’t worry, they of course nominated The Irishman five times). The Golden Globes only gave the film two noms: Best Original Score and Best Actress for Saoirse. Naturally, when you see Saoirse’s name you immediately just write “Award Nominee” (which makes it very awkward for her at Starbucks) so her recognition was a given, but for the rest of this team to be snubbed is a bad sign for the Oscars—and just a harsh reality check about women-driven films.
Pascal also noted that “Queen & Slim” which was directed by Melina Matsoukas and features police violence against an African American couple, has also been ignored by the awards.
“I think it’s kind of the same thing. It’s a different bias,” Pascal told Vanity Fair. “, These kinds of stories are important to me, and these kinds of stories are less important to me.”
Tracy Letts, one of the actors in Little Women, is tired of this (rightfully so), telling Vanity Fair that he “can’t believe we’re still having this f*cking discussion where movies by men, and about men, and for men are considered default movies. And women’s movies fall into this separate and unequal category It’s absurd.”
See, men, it’s not hard to make us swoon for you, just say that you believe things should be equally respected And I mean, Oscar nominations haven’t been released yet, and on top of that the film hasn’t even come out for the public, so hopefully the Oscar’s end up making up for these snubs (which, is an lol considering their history) or at least public opinion can sway people’s minds about this movie about a beautiful, important story.
Since its launch, Instagram has evolved from an app where you posted grainy photos of your Starbucks drink for your 24 followers to a global platform that’s basically its own economy. I mean, just look at the number of thinkpieces about what will happen now that Instagram is hiding like counts. Of course, Instagram has created an entire world of influencers and semi-models who rely on their likes, but then you also have the real celebrities. Some do ads (even though they don’t need to), some just post whatever they want. There are entire Instagram accounts dedicated to what celebrities are doing on Instagram, and nowadays, something as simple as a like can turn into a newsworthy event.
While some celebs were early adopters of Instagram, more and more famous people have finally joined in the last year or two. More famously, Jennifer Aniston joined Instagram and promptly broke the app, and Matthew Perry just joined too. By now, it feels like almost everyone has taken the Insta plunge, but there are still some holdouts that have never tried it out. But if you ask me, every celebrity should be on Instagram. Give the people what they want!! Here are the top celebs who, surprisingly, have still not made an account.
1. Meryl Streep
For a long time, it made sense that Meryl Streep wasn’t on Instagram. She’s older, she definitely doesn’t need social media to advance her career, and she just feels too classy for a platform that is rife with memes and dildo ads. But now, more and more legendary A-list actresses, like Julia Roberts, Glenn Close, and Candice Bergen, have joined, so Meryl would fit right in. While we wait patiently for her to make an account, at least we can follow @tasteofstreep, an absolutely delightful account dedicated to Photoshopping photos of Meryl onto photos of food. It’s weird, but it works.
2. Mary-Kate And Ashley
It’s been a long time since our favorite twins have actually wanted to be in the spotlight, so it’s not really surprising that they’ve stayed off Instagram. But still, I feel like they should make an account just for the amazing throwback pictures they must have. In general, I just want to know everything about their lives, but that probably won’t ever happen. Mary-Kate and Ashley have numerous great fan accounts, and I guess that will have to do.
3. Kanye West
If Kanye West had Instagram, it would definitely be a mess, and he would probably get a ton backlash for half of the stuff he posted…but that just makes me want it to happen even more. What can I say, I’m a messy bitch who lives for drama. Actually, Kanye has had Instagram before, and it was a wild f*cking ride full of random art and children that are not his own. I’ve never felt more alive then that one year when Kanye was all over Instagram, and I kinda miss it. Except now, his account would probably just be Bible quotes. On second thought, let’s pass.
4. Amy Adams
In a similar vein as Meryl Streep, Amy Adams is a serious actress who has never really dipped her toes into the world of social media, and it makes me sad. Amy is funny, talented, and she must have a ton of famous friends, so the fact that she’s not on Insta just feels like we’re missing out. She’s pretty private, and has said that she doesn’t even think of herself as a celebrity, so I doubt we’ll see her on Instagram soon, but maybe someday.
5. Anna Wintour
Anna Wintour is one of the most influential people in the world, but when it comes to social media, she’s not into it. She’s famously said that she’s never taken a selfie, and I can’t imagine she has any plans to start, but her Instagram would be amazing. She knows basically every celebrity, her travel content would be fire, and can you even imagine the #OOTDs? I’d die.
Images: courteneycoxofficial, tasteofstreep, olsenmoodboard, kimkardashian, itsamyadams, theannawintour / Instagram
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The show is starting, and Jane is giving us Worst Uber Driver Energy blasting music. Ah, it’s her “I might kill a man” playlist—a much needed one for 2019. Turns out, her 17-year-old lover was brought into questioning about Perry’s death. Apparently it’s now like Mean Girls, where the first one who cracks gets a deal and everyone else is f*cked. Now I guess she’s on crack.
Ah, a flashback to season one Celeste in this cop interview, back when she didn’t annoy me constantly. Looks like Mary Louise is watching these old tapes with the detective because I guess there’s nothing fun on local Monterey TV.
Wait, I thought her mom was killed last episode? I can’t hear her dad whispering because he’s truly talking under his breath in a way that would make me afraid to sit next to him on a subway, but I’m assuming it was something about him being awful.
Ed and Madeline are drinking wine and having cheese and crackers which seems like a normal, good step for them—the important part of any healing in a relationship is to be drunk, at least that’s what I think before getting dumped. Meanwhile, across the multi-million-dollar streets, Celeste is watching the ocean with her kids.
Madeline is thinking of telling Ed about the drama, for which Renata emotionally tried to slap some sense into her. I personally feel like Madeline is just ready to try and Olivia Pope her own life and save herself. Endorphins make people happy—and happy people don’t want to go to jail.
Speaking of endorphins, it seems like they’re not working for Bonnie because she is miserable. Ah, so she TRIED to kill her mom but didn’t work. Lifetime, where you at?
It’s the court hearing and The Good Wife fan in me is jumping out. I’m drinking pinot noir so I’m ready to object at any time. Wait, Celeste’s lawyer is not wearing her jacket. What’s happening!? She asked a question and immediately got shut down, which is very on brand for this lawyer. But yikes—Celeste is testifying and now it’s fair game to ask her anything. Nicole Kidman, do you think my hair looks sexy pushed back?
Bonnie asking her doctor if it’s okay to kill her mom is peak Season 2 of Big Little Lies. Renata is pensively angry in half a ball gown while firing her nanny/maid, which feels like super California. Juliet, we hardly knew ye.
Since when do you wear a wet suit… with gloves… to bodyboard? I guess they go great with her wet bangs.
Madeline is apologizing to Bonnie and Bonnie is still serving her hungover stare realness. I love that everyone is going to watch her testify—it’s basically like her one-woman show, but they all could wind up in jail. Feels like Chicago! F*ck this lawyer for mocking her abuse. And then getting her one night stand broadcasted in front of everyone. If I had to testify for every time I slept with someone whose name I didn’t know, I’d have a full on grand jury appearance. This was hard to watch. FULL GEOMETRY COMING IN WITH THESE STIMULATIONS OF PERRY’S DEATH. WHERE IS MS. MADEWELL JACKET TO OBJECT MORE THAN ONCE?
It’s insane that Celeste’s every move has been watched — like, what’s next, the detective is going to know what bike she was on at SoulCycle? I like get that it’s this private investigator’s job to do this, but honestly she is such a bitch. LET MY PRETTY RICH FRIENDS LIVE.
Ed meeting with Jess/Jenn/Josie and the Pussycats on a Starbucks date is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen. All of this is done over oat milk lattes and rent-a-shrink diagnosis about what cheating on your spouse who cheated on you can do. You so know this woman went to her manicurist and asked for red gels being like, “I need a dark color to try and steal a husband”. His standing desk infuriates me also for some reason. I think I’m 100% at a Big Little Lies boiling point.
Jane goes to Mary Louise and is ready to attack. This is why older woman should take up knitting or go to a communal home, they have too much free time on their hands.
I KNOW SHE’S NOT BUT I REALLY THOUGHT CELESTE WAS DRINKING SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA FOR A SECOND. GIVE US THE CROSSOVER. Yikes, it’s a drinking-from-the-bottle kind of night, aka a night you definitely shouldn’t have after being attacked at trial all day.
Looks like everyone is falling apart because Madeline is full-on dancing in a wedding dress. Ed telling Madeline she can’t wave a wand and fix things is kind of hysterical because exclusively Reese Witherspoon can wave me to do anything she’d like me to do.
Calling it now: Bonnie killes herself with a suicide note that fesses up to everything and leaves the other girls off the hook.
We’re going back to court, but before that, Celeste is filming a makeup tutorial. Hey guyz, I know a lot of you have been asking about my Chic Court Look.
This judge doesn’t know the difference between a sexual addiction and being horny, cause I see nothing wrong with Celeste. Be cool, don’t be all uncool. Class with the Countess Celeste. Luckily Celeste was able to take better control of the court questioning this time around with only 5% help from her lawyer.
Bonnie confesses to her mom… but not about Perry. She opens up about the awful childhood she had—it starts very Ten Things I Hate About You but turns into an awful, dark look into Bonnie’s life and how unhappy she is and then she finally confessed about killing him… in a public space. Like, where is the night nurse that is like “what the fuck did I just hear?”
UH, I SPOKE TOO SOON. JULIET IS BACK IN A BIG WAY. Turns out, she was sleeping with Renata’s husband and she’s getting $160,000 from it. Wow, I need to start sleeping with better people. Give Laura Dern THE GOD DAMN EMMY PLEASE.
Sidenote, can I make people rise for me when I enter into a room? Turns out Celeste is calling the SHOTS cause Ms. Madewell didn’t think of anything and she’s going full Ted Bundy going to court. DAMN THIS CLIFFHANGER. And yet again, we’re hooked.
Images: Giphy (3)
Another day, another flashback to start things off. Honestly, I’m loving this season so far—but you can’t tell me that it doesn’t give you Pretty Little Liars energy. Everyone is waking up and pondering things while looking at the water, because apparently what else do you do in Monterey besides look into the ocean and kill people?
We’re kicking things off with a husband-on-husband scene, and not in the PornHub way. Ed and Nathan talk it out while they’re working out in the morning—another reason why I never jog. Nathan has gotten so annoying, no wonder Bonnie is checked out.
The child custody hearing is off, and Mary Louise is giving her best Iron Lady while also acting like every girl at brunch who wants to sh*t talk their friend who is not there. “No she’s like, literally crazy.”
Celeste hired a lawyer who, while she may not be doing her job, is doing a damn good job at pulling off that jacket. Rent the Runway unlimited, I’m sure.
WHY IS EVERYONE JOGGING? Okay nevermind, Bonnie was just dream jogging—my favorite form of working out. Weird that I still only fit in jeggings. She’s still at the hospital staying with her mom while her dad basically just gives her death glares 24/7. Weird, how did HBO get this tape of my Thanksgiving from last year?
Madeline, desperate for a storyline, is taking Ed on a retreat to bond their relationship that may involve bondage. I can so f*ck with a Carole King sing-along, though.
Celeste is a lawyer, a fact that I’m pretty sure we all forgot about (including Celeste herself), and she went to see Renata to trash talk her lawyer. Dreams. This is the first time Renata has been working all season though, right? I guess the Women In Power article caught on to that, because they pulled her from the article, which actually made me genuinely upset but genuinely not surprised.
Some weird kid came to bully Ziggy and the twins came to his defense—but unfortunately, that defense came with an extreme offense. Both Jane and Celeste’s kids are suspended for three days, so at least they’ll have more time to stare into the water.
Wait, is Bonnie psychic? She’s basically like the Long Island Medium, except not Italian. And not in Long Island.”
Yup, that was definitely a sex cult, but at least it go them to communicate (and communicating in California is just shouting in a car). Ed dragged Madeline (as the kids say) and damn, I do try so hard to feel bad for him in all of their scenes. But, is it just me, or is it impossible to ever blame Reese Witherspoon for anything ever? Let her screw all the theater directors she wants! Every month is Pride!
Renata’s “spent her entire life with a bullseye on her back,” which is a C-minus in terms of all of the lines she’s said this season. She met Mary Louise for tea, in every way that word is used. Mary Louise is shocked this isn’t just a “tea party,” which, no sh*t—that’s like when I invite someone to a workout that winds up just being a brunch. No one drinks tea and no one JOGS IN THE DAMN MORNING.
Celeste is parenting her kids in the best way she can, which is by screaming and crying while also whispering with her whispy bangs. It’s kind of weird that in an alternate universe, her kids would be played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse. Shout-out to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery in Brooklyn.
Ed has a sweet but heartbreaking moment with Chloe that is 100% ruined by Bonnie leading an adult Kidz Bop lesson that’s mixed with an overpriced Brooklyn barre class. “Singing for Sleep Apnea” is definitely a charity party from The Hills. Yikes, looks like Bonnie’s dad is a beyond confirmed piece of sh*t.
Celeste’s lawyer is doing nothing but wearing a coat, round two. After Celeste breaks down at a custody hearing, she sends a group chat to her girls to meet her at the beach (it’s going down). Turns out she’ll have to testify during her settlement, and when she’s on the stand she’s fair game to ask about anything aka the murder. Basically, the lawyer could be like you when you’re in a fight with a friend and try to bring it up casually but you have no chill:
Me: How was your day?
Me: What the f*ck did you say about me in the group chat the other day?
MAJOR shout out to this A+ line from Renata, maybe one of the contenders for best line of the series. “That’s perjury, babe.”
Ed and Chloe, Bonnie and her dad… this is a huge Father’s Day card of emotions going down. He talks to her about how he wanted to keep the peace between all of them, which is what I say to everyone every time I’m in an Uber Pool. Yup, the mom is magic and she can sometimes see things that are right—very That’s Kinda Raven.
Cool, we were all fully weeping when Celeste and her boys were talking, right? Meanwhile, Renata forced Ammabella to play hooky with her, because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE. The moment we saw GIF’d and meme’d since Meryl was first announced as a cast member. AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN. Instead we got left with Jane slow dancing with her 15-year-old coworker AGAIN. I’m sorry, but why is HBO doing this to us? If I wanted to see someone awkwardly kiss on a couch with blunt bangs, I’d log back into MySpace.
Jane is still struggling to connect sexually with her trauma, and fine, the 15-year-old has grown on me by being so nice with Ziggy. I did realize that Nicole Kidman in a baseball cap is my sexual orientation, though.
Okay, did I just get high, because so much is happening at once? It’s like a dressing room montage, but with kayaks and wine and… assisted suicide? AND TORI FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON? Fine, I remember her from there, but in no way shape or form was she in any episode in season one. The bartender gave them shots, and I guess when you’re over 30 that is code for we gon’ bang.
So this episode ends with Jane’s man leaving the police department, Bonnie walking to the police department after probably killing her mom, Madeline’s husband about to have a … threesome… with TORI, and Celeste’s lawyer prob at Marshall’s finding a new jacket. Big Little Lies, what are you on?
Images: HBO; Giphy
We’re driving back up the PCH to Monterey tonight—let’s get into it. This recap was a day late mainly because I spent all of Sunday drinking $5 Cosmopolitans for pride, which means I spent all of Monday asking myself why did you do that do that do that to me?
Jack-O-Lantern
It’s Madeline’s turn to have a nightmare, which I guess makes sense cause a) murder and b) it’s apparently Halloween! I forgot that weather isn’t a thing in Monterey. She’s also now smoking, serving us big end of Grease Sandy Energy. On top of that, Renata is simultaneously planning her bankruptcy court hearing and also her daughter’s birthday. ¿Por qué no los dos?
Naturally, Mary Louise arrives with a cake and her chompers—in no way are those her real teeth, right? Uh oh, Mary Tyler Moore has a new Rhoda in town, and it’s M.L. who is moving into Jane’s building. Survey says she’s doing that to be closer to Ziggy and not cause it’s the only property in Monterey. Kind of like when Taylor Swift bought a house in Rhode Island to be closer to the Kennedys. Throwback!
Giving Madeline a break, Celeste is now verbally sparring with Mary Louse until IT BECOMES PHYSICAL SPARRING WHAT IS HAPPENING. Celeste hits with a slap heard ’round the world after Mary Louise says she feels Jane wasn’t raped and Perry just was looking for anyone outside of their marriage.
This scene of course ends with Madeline in her gorgeous kitchen, complaining to Ed about how people should be more considerate when planning parties (“we all have calendar apps on our f*cking phone”) and can I just say, preach?
Longing Looks At the Water: 2
In between scenes, we see Bonnie also staring at the water and Jane inviting her school yard crush to the disco party, an era he 1000% learned about during AP U.S. History last year.
Celeste, Bonnie, Madeline, and Renata all have the same calendar. pic.twitter.com/s4igIkd7Jm
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 1, 2019
All The Tense Coffee Dates
Mary Louise meets with Celeste and calls her unwell, expressing concerns about her grandchildren. I’m sorry, but is Celeste’s style inspiration Taylor Swift’s Red era with these whispy framed-bangs and coat? Mary Louise brings up that her husband left her and she had to learn how to cope—a fact that hmm…I’m not that sold on.
Over at Madeline’s, she tries to plan a couple’s workshop while Ed is still giving us Sulking Kid Who’s Grounded. Chloe, still being a 28-year-old social media manager in a child’s body, makes an ‘opposites’ project for school where she says her mom is the opposite of a door because she’s unhinged. Snaps for Chloe and her future career on Thought Catalog.
Bankruptcy Is So In Right Now
The assets are being drawn up to get put on the line. Renata is still giving us all the lines that would end up on T-Shirts for the Women’s March: “I’m self-made.” She then gets judged for getting botox, which, hey, not fair. On top of that, she needs to give up her Rolex and wedding ring right on the table — which I guess shows the practicality of belly rings in times like this. Impossible to see! And now their Tesla is traded for a taxi outside of the court house. Ouch.
Who Is This Theme Party For?
Amabella’s party is here and it’s disco themed, which I can’t imagine she picked. The moms have gone all out for this party, because when you’re 40 all you want to do is get ready for a theme party, apparently? While Renata is serving a disco bash, Mary Louise is planning on filing for guardianship of her grandkids—and making sure Celeste doesn’t have a lawyer to choose from to get her back. Back at Studio 54, Celeste and Bonnie are regretting the lie and saying Madeline is to blame for starting it. Very happy my major lies only including eating the rest of my roommate’s hummus and saying, “hmm no clue where it went.”
While they fight over gorgeous champagne flutes, we see Ammabella having a slow dance and her dress is… literally the same as Renata’s. This is truly some Gypsy Rose Lee sh*t up in here, but I guess the Roman Empire was having a BOGO deal. Ugh, it’s hard to see Renata addressing how all of this will affect her daughter—and can I just say F*CK GORDON.
Jane is dancing with her date, which is kind of weird because the dance floor is like, only the kids—but then again, he prob is in the same history class as most of them. She’s happy, but then the second they get a little closer, she gets a flashback to the night of her attack.
Bonnie gets #ConfrontedOnTheDanceFloor by her mom, with her mom saying she doesn’t like the energy around her. Raise your hand if you have gone up to one of your friends at 2:30 AM after a vodka Redbull and said the exact same thing.
Nathan and Ed then do what any man would, which is fight in ’70s costumes at a child’s birthday party. THIS IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!! Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I shout at my brunch waiter when they say the two hours of the unlimited option is over.
No eight-year-old’s birthday party is complete without a disco dance show by who I can only imagine is Boyz II Monterey. They’re setting the mood for Bonnie and Ed, though.
Jane opens up to her boy about her past trauma, and he is super supportive of her…which only makes me feel like he can’t be trusted, because this is Big Little Lies.
Alexa, Play ‘Fallingwater’
Bonnie’s mom has flashes of water visions and then faints. We’re at the hospital, and it turns out Elizabeth had a stroke, and we find out that the last thing she saw before were flashes of water.
Madeline and Ed are home, and he’s drinking the classic Sad Boi Night Cap: an IPA. Jane and Celeste are now out at a bar, and I do love how their bond has been strengthened. Celeste stays for another drink alone, cause she’s a girl after my own heart.
Back at the hospital, Bonnie is looking over her mother as her dad asks if she said anything to her mom to induce her stroke—nice dad!
Mary Louise is now eating stretchy cheese pizza that straight up looks like it’s from Chuck-E-Cheese—a place that Meryl Streep 200% doesn’t know exists. Honestly, she looks like a mess right now too. Why did the wardrobe department decide to give her a J.Jill cardigan, but then a men’s Old Navy top?
Jane goes to meet Bonnie at the hospital, which is perfect because she caught her just as she was about to rip into the detective on their case. Does this detective have anything else to do but walk around Monterey drinking coffee? Dream job TBH.
Ambien Cool, Not All Uncool
Mary Louise brings the kids home first thing in the AM and Celeste seems…off. At first you can’t tell if she’s high, drunk, or sick (I can relate to that every Sunday morning), until you realize that she definitely took another Ambien. She’s being very Countess LuAnn, owning it! I’m happy Heather Thomson wasn’t in their house because OH YEAH, CELESTE TOOK THE BARTENDER HOME. Wow that might have been one of the most awkward scenes in history, mixed in with a hot af flashbacks of them hooking up.
She confesses to Madeline that she did in fact take Ambien and didn’t remember he was in the house, which is so scary. Celeste, just try melatonin or chamomile tea, please. Madeline is the true MVP of friends because her first response was “she shouldn’t have dropped the kids off that early, you have your own life.” And just like clockwork, Mary Louise reappears.
She confronts Celeste about how she feels she is a mess and shouldn’t be watching over the kids. This is going to get messy. Yeah, they’re at risk with Celeste, but were totally just fine with their abusive father.
Renata’s Sweater Is Off The Deep End
What would happen if Ann Taylor had a one-night stand with Hot Topic and then found its way to California? The answer is Renata’s sweater. What is happening here? I guess when she tried to give this one to the bankruptcy court they were like… actually you can keep that. They’re sharing avocado toast (who shares toast?) and catching up about Celeste when, you guessed it! Our detective is back, drinking coffee, and just…theorizing! Nancy Drew could never be this caffeinated.
Jane then goes to see Mary Louise because she’s worried that she’s just being a Pokémon Grandma, catching them all. She calms her down by voicing concerns about Celeste, which Jane pauses to consider. Instead of borrowing sugar from your neighbor in Monterey, you borrow theories about your friends. Kinda into it.
THE THERAPIST IS HERE!! And she’s assuring Celeste that she has doctor-patient confidentiality. Of course the true star of this show would have her back.
Elizabeth finally wakes up and we see that she has a vision of Bonnie killing herself in the ocean, which, sadly, could definitely be where this season is headed. Hopefully she’ll be able to help her and they can all go to another yoga retreat. Until next week!
Images: HBO; Giphy (4); bobbyfinger / Twitter
Another weekend coming to an end means another Sunday spent watching gorgeous, rich women in California fight with each other while drinking wine. No, I’m not talking about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills—this season was too slow to watch week-to-week, right?—but rather, it’s BIG LITTLE LIES TIME.
In an insane turn of events, I’m watching and writing this Monday morning. Aka this morning, aka while you were probably still asleep or getting ready to go to a Rumble class. This is not because I’m suddenly a morning person—it’s because I was swimming in a sea of pinot noir and pasta Sunday night before a concert. If you want to judge my semi-tipsy concert filming, by all means, go ahead to my Instagram (@kashmeredanny) and see for yourself.
ANYWAY, enough about me (my HBO show would not be BLL but rather BMI, and all about me giving up carbs for half a day to lose weight) and back to our favorite ladies. First, can I just say that this show should teach every other show about how to properly do a “Previously On”? Thank you for actually giving a recap to help us, fans (and people eating hummus for breakfast while having to recap it).
We open up with Bonnie still replaying the murder in her head before going to see her grandma and daughter connecting. The sweetness of this scene was immediately cut with Reese and her husband driving in silence. OH YES, MORE THERAPIST TIME. “Adultery is one form of betrayal, indifference is another”—honestly, that is something that they would say on The Real Housewives. I’m not sure if I 100% agree with it, but I do 100% know that I’m getting that tattooed on my lower back. The appointment is spent trying to figure out why she cheated and it turned into a read on Madeline which… tracks. I wonder if Mary Louise got coffee with her therapist before.
Bonnie is back and I’m worried all of these flashes are going towards her attempting to kill herself while drowning. Madeline then opens up to Celeste about how she caught her dad cheating when she was younger and never told anyone, which rightfully so would f*ck someone up for marriage. Honestly, I would much rather open up to Nicole Kidman in a car than to a therapist. Celeste also says that her life is colorless without Perry, saying that she was better to her kids with him around—probably because she was trying to compartmentalize and also compensate for the abuse. Nicole, you don’t need that, GIRL.
Mary Louise confronts Jane at work and demands Ziggy take a paternity test. She doesn’t want to believe that Perry was both a rapist and an abuser, saying that maybe Jane was just drunk or drugged and doesn’t remember it. Great look, ML!
Okay—this show has to calm with the metaphors. Now Charlotte’s Web is a metaphor for the show? Thank you, Ziggy, for calling bullsh*t even though I still want to date your teacher. Kind of insane that Charlotte, to little kids, means web and not a woman who converts to Judaism to marry her divorce lawyer. Wait, now they learn about “personal brands” and sustainable farming in elementary school?! I’m re-enrolling. I’m sure their math class is just about the Instagram algorithm and your ratio. TOFU FOR CLASS PRESIDENT.
Oh no, Annabella (Renata’s daughter) was admitted to the hospital with an anxiety attack. Maybe rebranding is too much for the young mind. Renata is rightfully so losing her entire mind and also still being Renata AF: I’d like her transferred to Stanford please, because it’s STANFORD.
Madeline is exhibiting GMB (Great Mom Behavior) with her older daughter and opening up with her about her therapy appointment. I guess we needed that normal scene to make up for the fact that Renata hired a therapist who got a BFA instead of a PhD and is dressed as Little Bo Peep? Turns out, Annabella is terrified of the world ending, which now makes her the most relatable character. I mean, have you read the news? Climate change and a dad going to jail is a hard combo, especially when you think something is up with your mom.
Jane is dating the 17-year-old she works with who just asked if a fish was grown on a farm, and is now rattling off all his pre-dinner ordering questions. I’m vegan and ask less questions, but mainly because I just order french fries. Apparently, some fish test positive for anti-depressants (same), so I guess they are also just concerned with the end of the world.
Mary Louise is going to the dectecive in charge of Perry’s murder case and is trying to basically become Dorinda the Meddler of Monterey. On the flipside, Celeste is talking with her therapist and struggling to separate the good from the very, very bad of her husband. “You miss the war, Celeste,” this therapist has the best captions—I mean, sayings—of the show. She feels that she may be suffering a form of PTSD or withdrawal from the pain and abuse.
“Are you passionate about things?” wow, I now remember why I don’t date. Jane with the ultimate BOMB DROP by answering that with, “I used to paint but now I have a kid, I should have mentioned that.” Then the teen tried to kiss her and she almost got hit by a bus trying to avoid it (same x2)—she’s “idling on neutral.” Okay, I can’t do car references, HBO.
Mary Louise and her grandkids are watching a collection of home movies with Perry. Yikes, and now Mary Louise is stalking Jane and Ziggy—but honestly? Jane’s sweater was the scene stealer in that episode. Shout out to the girl for finally finding the Madewell in Monterey. They now are coffee girls and look at pictures that show how much Ziggy looks like Perry’s brother. She wants to be in Ziggy’s life, which is sweet, but knowing Meryl’s degree of acting talent, you know something is up. She’s now questioning about the night of the assault and is asking if Jane tempted Perry to get him in a moment of weakness, basically trying to cling to any hope that her son wasn’t a complete awful person.
Of course, Madeline finds Bonnie and Ed (I REMEMBERED HIS NAME, ARE YOU HAPPY? Okay, I Googled it) having lunch and prob talking about how much their spouses annoy them. Love a charcuterie board moment with a cup of coffee. At least someone is finally asking Bonnie how she is. Bonnie said she needed to laugh, which can I suggest just looking at Jane’s bangs.
Now Ed is trying to be a bad guy to Madeline, I guess this is his Reputation era. Madeline is now questioning her entire life and talking about how she feels guilty she didn’t know sooner about Celeste’s abuse. Cut to Renata coming in with plastic straws and blow torches to shout at the school for teaching about climate change. “I will rise up and buy a f*cking polar bear for everyone in this school”—I just always need to scream “YAS RENATA, YAS.”
Renata takes her one-act play to Madeline’s office, only to be interrupted by Mary Louise. Jane and Bonnie run into each other at the beach. Bonnie tells her to open up about everything on the second date, which feels very Bonnie.
Wow, Gordon is drinking beer with a backwards hat and pissing me off. I hope I get invited to Annabella’s birthday party. Now we’re at a conference about climate change for the school and Ed is still trying to be a bad boy, texting in the back. Dude, no one wants to stand. I love that these parents are screaming about how they don’t want their kids to learn about climate change—could I have done this about Algebra?
Madeline is talking about why climate change is a tough subject to teach kids and is serving me a mix between Carrie Bradshaw and Elle Woods. Now she’s quoting a song from the 70s, someone get her off stage ASAP. Oh no, she’s crying. Everywhere like such as. Is this interaction the first time Celeste and Ed talked?
Abigail is doing the best thing a kid could do: grabbing wine. In Celeste’s house, people are looking for stronger stuff. Mary Louise is snooping for clues and Advil PM.
Love when an intense scene is changed up with Jane and her awkward boyfriend hugging in a parking lot. Oh my God now they’re just slow dancing. Is this The Fault in Our Stars?
Cut to Celeste in bed with a video chat of Perry trying to have Skype sex? Sure. Now we cut to a depressing montage of everyone crying—FINE, I’m crying too. Oh I spoke too soon. Celeste isn’t crying, she’s masturbating. Por que no los dos? Oh, and that’s how this episode ends. Climate change awareness and proper clitoris stimulation—honestly, what 2019 is in need of.
Images: HBO; Giphy (4)
This week, in honor of Meryl Streep’s 70th birthday, I was asked to pull together a “Which Meryl Streep Movie Are You Based on Your Zodiac Sign” post. I didn’t blink twice at this request. As a red-blooded woman in 2019, I love astrology. As a human with any discernible taste, I love Meryl Streep. This topic sat so distinctly in my wheelhouse that my hubris didn’t even for a second let me believe that I might run into any kind of obstacle. But then the unthinkable happened.
What follows is an admission of my deepest shame. I come to you a broken woman, laying myself bare before the pitiless judgment of the internet, in the hopes that I may be a beacon for others wandering down the same despondent path.
I couldn’t name 12 Meryl Streep movies. In fact, I couldn’t even name more than six without the aid of a list, which bumped me up to eight after going through and only selecting the ones I felt confident I could write about with any kind of conviction. That list was 62 movies long.
This revelation resulted in what I can only describe as a crisis of identity. I am a pop culture writer, for God’s sake. I have been covering awards season for this very website for the past four years, an arena that is arguably owned by Meryl Streep. It is literally my job to be able to be able to create content like this, and yet here I was, grasping at straws, not just incapable of deciding which of Meryl’s roles was most like an Aries, but unable to even identify some of her most pivotal characters to date. Who am I? An imposter? A liar? A straight white man? None of it made sense.
But after some shameful reflection and a quick confession to our Betches Editor-in-Chief, I realized something: I don’t think I’m alone here. I think there are more of us out there, more entertainment aficionados with gaping blind spots that exist not out of willful ignorance, but because the knowledge was just assumed through cultural group-think.
You see, I came of age in a time when Meryl Streep’s supremacy was not an opinion, but a fact of life. I don’t remember the first time I consciously recognized her, for it seemed that she was always just there, existing in a different realm than any other actor. Meryl Streep transcends our mere mortal understanding of celebrity, and thus she transcended my own cognizance. Much like with God, I was not raised to understand why she existed, just to accept her status as sacrosanct, an actress revered above all others.
In this way, I think Meryl and Beyoncé are similar. Both cultural juggernauts in their own right, revered to the point of fanaticism. To dislike them is not just to be in possession of a controversial opinion, but to be fundamentally wrong. Art may be subjective, but Meryl Streep and Beyoncé are not. Voicing any opposition to their obvious dominance in their respective fields would result in alienation at best, but more likely outright ridicule—and with good reason. You don’t need to grapple with the whys and hows of their omnipotence, but merely just accept that that is the way it is.
That was the error of my ways: being content with knowing but not understanding. There is no honor to believing without truly understanding, to being a mouthpiece for an opinion that you yourself cannot effectively support. Forever my life will exist in two parts: before and after my own personal Meryl Renaissance.
Recognizing my own complacency is only half the battle, and now I must move on to actively remedying this transgression against the very thing I hold near and dear: pop culture. If you, like me, seek to mend the error of your ways, join me on this journey of self-enlightenment: I call it the Meryl-thon.
After combing through countless lists of the most essential Meryl films, I’ve landed on five that seem to be, indisputably, her most timeless roles. You will not find The Devil Wears Prada or Mamma Mia on this list, although I hold them near and dear. Instead, we’ll be diving into the archives, into Meryl’s beginnings, and the roles that made her the powerhouse that she is today.
- Sophie’s Choice
- Kramer vs. Kramer
- The Bridges of Madison County
- A Cry in the Dark
- Silkwood
I would give you a synopsis of each of these films, but I can’t. And at this point, I don’t want to. In an era of instant gratification and internet spoilers at every turn, I am ready to embark on a journey with almost zero understanding of where it will take me. I am going into each of these movies a blank slate, and I plan to return to you with my thoughts on each. Not reviews per se, because clearly each of the films on this list is above critical reproach, but the musings of a naïve fool who really loves voicing her opinions on such things.
This list, presented to you in no particular order, will undoubtedly be contested. And to that I say, good!! Teach me the error of my ways! Educate me in my hour of need! Make your case for the best of Meryl! But please do it in a way that doesn’t destroy my already horribly bruised ego.
It wasn’t easy to admit this flaw to you all today. Vulnerability, no matter how superficial the source of it, is difficult to display in any environment, but especially on the internet—a place that breeds total apathy at the best of times, but is typically more prone to thinly veiled contempt. By sharing my story, I hope that some of you are inspired to come forward with your own tales of entertainment-based disgrace. Haven’t read any of the Harry Potter books? Step forward, my friend. Still haven’t watched Game of Thrones? You’re safe here. Unable to understand the allure of the Netflix obsession du jour? Don’t worry, this too shall pass.
There’s enough content in this world to last a hundred lifetimes, and it’s impossible for any one person to consume it all. Don’t let others belittle you for not having seen something, even if it’s something you definitely should have seen by now because it’s your job and also you have a tendency to brag about your extensive knowledge about such matters. Idk. Just a thought.
We are all people, constantly evolving into better versions of what we were yesterday. I am not exempt from this rule, for yesterday I was someone who didn’t know what Kramer vs. Kramer was, and yet today, against all odds, I am but a humble student, finally ready to learn at the altar of Meryl Streep.
Images: Giphy (3)
Going into this season of Big Little Lies kind of feels like going on a second date or grabbing the last slice of pizza: you’re excited, but also scared. What if it’s bad? What if it gives you a stomach ache? As a BLL purist, I personally thought that the first (and, at first, allegedly only) season was perfect and was initially against talk of making another season—but all someone has to do is say “Meryl Streep” and I appear on my couch at 9pm, pinot noir in hand, ready for whatever may happen next.
^Reese to me after reading this recap.
We’re back with the Monterey Five, and no, that’s not the name of a horse in the Kentucky Derby—it’s the unofficial nickname of all the main ladies after the scandal. In case you forgot, the first season was gorgeous and perfect and was all about these rich moms who ended up killing one of their husbands because he was an abusive piece of sh*t. And that’s what you missed on Glee.
Let’s go into this with a breakdown of what each character did—or more likely, what type of wine each character drank while staring into the beach. Andy Cohen, are you a secret producer on this? I’m pretty sure 45% of this script is “look longingly and think about how now you have to go against Game of Thrones in the Best Actress category now that you’re no longer a limited series.” The horror.
A more in-depth breakdown is below, but some general observations on this premiere that don’t really matter, but mattered to me:
A musical moment happened at an assembly (maybe this really is Glee) and some girl I 100% forgot about named Tori got a boob job. Happy for her. My favorite moment of this episode was her talking to Adam Scott’s character (Madeline’s husband whose name truly doesn’t matter) in the grocery story surrounded by melons. GET IT? I feel like the writers were like hmm, should we have his character cheat on Madeline as payback? But then realized that he’s just a quiet dork and moved on. Also, does anyone actually use the car speakerphone option besides these five women?
I decided to breakdown this premiere episode by character, because the last time this show was on the air, I could still fit into my skinny jeans (well, fit is a subjective word, but they got above my knees at least). Seriously, only HBO has the confidence to drop a new season of a show two years later and be like: wait, you don’t remember this side character who had one line in episode four? Weird. So let’s check in on the Real Fake Housewives of Monterey.
Madeline
The queen bee is BACK and her daughter Chloe is still cool AF. Like, I can’t wait for her character to just pick up and move to Brooklyn for high school. It turns out me and Madeline have a lot in common because we both like to double fist cupcakes, get annoyed when someone expects us to do work at work, and are kind of a bitch.
I guess she’s traded in directing community plays for being a realtor—but I was kind of disappointed that the only major drama she deals with this episode is that her kid no longer wants to go to college. Girl, you’re ahead of the curve—all I gained from college was a slow metabolism and ten guys named Chad’s number who I’ll never text. What’s worse: your kid not going to college or your kid saying “I want to work at a start-up”? Sidenote: Reese Witherspoon needs to write the TV movie about the college admissions scandal cause she has the finger on this pulse. Felicity, you’re cool with that, right?
Celeste
YES HER THERAPIST IS BACK but still only half-lit on a chair that looks like it was clearance at Pier One Imports. These were personally my favorite scenes of Celeste’s last season… well, besides that one where she was just sitting on a balcony drinking Smartwater. Her character is having nightmares and may be spiraling, which is fair since she’s trying to cope with the complexity of the loss of her abusive husband. I already can’t wait for her to cave and tell her therapist about what really happened just to watch Reese Witherspoon flip out and scream Withherglassofsauvblanc. Apparently she’s also giving Jane some checks that she’s not cashing from his estate. In case you forgot, Jane’s first season storyline was focused a lot on her trying to find the man who raped her (and try to maybe kill him), and that person turned out to be Celeste’s husband.
Jane
Bangs happened, and they happened hard. I guess since Shailene makes her own toothpaste, she also does her own haircuts. Uh-oh, she’s working at an aquarium now, which I’m certain was a demand from Shailene ’cause she loves the environment (I mean, same girl). Hats off to HBO for having her give us a fact about an octopus to serve as a metaphor for the show. Ladies kill. The prettier something is, the more dangerous—which is why no one ever crosses the street when they see me. I’m the definition of harmless. Watching her dance on the beach in a Patagonia made me very happy I’m not a beach person, and also very happy that I live in New York. I dare someone to dance while jogging down the street and not get spit on or have a pigeon poop on them.
Please PLEASE tell me her coworker isn’t 17 cause they’re 2000% going to f*ck. Or maybe not because he just went up to her and asked if she was on the spectrum? I’m going to say 33% of the scenes this first episode were as necessary as the 7th shot of tequila I had Friday night.
The weirdest thing is Jane now asking if Celeste hates her for sleeping with her husband (when he assaulted her) and also drawing Taylor Swift Reputation-era fan art about him, which looks like it will bode on an insane obsession to come. This just confirms my theory never to trust a girl with #BluntBangs. Prove me wrong.
Bonnie
Apparently a yoga retreat changed her, and potentially not for the better. This is why you don’t go to Tahoe—especially because you get bitter that the group chat carried on without you, and now has a new inside joke as the name. As Madeline says, there’s some sh*t that you can’t just put on Gmail. Like the details of your one night stand or thoughts about the murder you all committed. Her character is getting all the flashbacks from the murder, which makes sense because she’s the one who actually pushed him. Not much has happened with her this episode, besides Bonnie being elusive and apparently installing the most annoying doorbell ever. Literally, all she did was just walk around and sigh, which made me confused: is this HBO or an old episode of The Hills when Lauren Conrad had to work aka send one e-mail? Let’s see if she ends up confessing to the police, or maybe Madeline will just pull a You and lock her in a chamber in her basement before she has the chance.
Renata
Laura Dern is still a national treasure and being The Most kind of mom. Her new kids’ teacher is very hot, so I’m personally starting a prayer circle for them to have a hookup session. Wait, now they’re making her have a photoshoot and sing, WHAT IS HAPPENING. As much as I #FeelTheDern, her singing with a bright flashy blazer served me a mix of the Sex and the City 2 karaoke scene and a drag show I saw last week. Kind of into it, though. While she’s doing that, her husband apparently nursed a drinking problem and a toy train collection. Something tells me he’ll be the next husband all these women go after.
MERYL!!
Wig. For being a gay icon, the wardrobe department really did her dirty. But moment of silence for having her on TV. Seriously, we all deserve some Streep on our TV screens after the awful mess that was the final season of Game of Thrones.
She’s serving Mrs. Doubtfire energy, but I do love how this character gives a nice breath of fresh air in this world. Bringing her into the mix gives the series more layers besides people just shouting their children’s IQ. And by layers, I mean insane layers of her character screaming and crying while at dinner and also the insane layers of her wig. Sorry, I’m still not over it.
Best quote? “I don’t mean that in a negative way, maybe I do.” RIVALED ONLY BY “who are we planning to kill?” Wait, is my Summer 2019 energy Meryl Streep being a bitch? I don’t hate it for myself.
Overall, this first episode was kind of slow, but I am excited to see where this goes. I also am obsessed with the sparring match of Meryl vs. Reese. Honestly, with the talent of this cast they all could just be reading my past Seamless orders out loud and it would still be interesting (and not only because I can go off with my selection of side sauces).
Images: HBO; Giphy (6)
