The Jersey Shore family is finally complete again, as Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino was released from prison this morning. His release comes at the end of an eight-month sentence for tax evasion, which he began serving in January. Many of his Jersey Shore castmates were on hand for the release, which will conveniently be a storyline on an upcoming season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.
The Situation was released at 8:30 this morning, and per TMZ, he and his wife wasted no time making a statement to the press. “We are elated to finally close this chapter of our life. Thank you to our family, friends and fans for the continuous love and support during this time, it brought us so much peace and comfort. We look forward to continuing our life as husband and wife and working on baby situations!”
Wow, I love a post-prison statement. I especially like the referent to “this chapter of our life,” as though Mike was just gone on an especially long business trip or something. I’m also chilled to the bone by the thought of baby Situations running around, but I expect that his wife Lauren will be pregnant by the time I finish writing this sentence.
We don’t yet have any footage of The Situation post-prison, and we don’t know exactly which Jersey Shore people were there, but TMZ’s sources said that most of the cast took flights on Wednesday to be there.
Even though The Situation isn’t behind bars anymore, this is far from the end of his legal journey. He’ll spend the next two years under supervised probation, and is also expected to complete 500 hours of community service. I look forward to the next season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, which will hopefully include lots of footage of Mike wearing a neon vest while picking up trash on the side of the Jersey Turnpike. Truly giving a new meaning to trash TV, and I’m here for it.
Regardless of Mike’s probation situation, it seems like he’s doing a lot better than Joe Giudice, another Jersey reality star who spent time behind bars. Joe, the husband of RHONJ star Teresa Giudice, was released from prison this spring, and has remained in custody while fighting his expected deportation to Italy. This week, there were new reports that his fight is about to come to an end, as a final decision about his deportation will be made very soon. Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of Jersey reality TV to watch in the next few months, because I’m not about to miss any of this drama.
Images: enews / Instagram; Giphy
We’ve known since the summer that JWoww is getting a divorce, but things just keep getting messier. In December, we learned that she got a restraining order against her husband, Roger Mathews. At the time, details were scarce about the reasons behind the split, but Roger has always claimed he’s a good husband and father. His main form of evidence is a sh*tload of Instagram videos that he’s made of his life, because we all know that everything on social media is true. But now we have a lot more information, because JWoww posted an open letter to Roger on Wednesday, and it’s explosive.
JWoww posted a snippet of the letter on her Instagram, but directed her followers to her website to read the full thing. That’s because the statement is 2,300 words long, and there is a lot happening. If 2,300 words doesn’t sound that long to you, just know that you’re approximately 150 words into this article, and your attention span is probably already running out. The statement is also in all caps, and the entire thing is center-aligned, so it looks like a block of text that would be on the inside of the Lincoln Memorial. If you’re having trouble visualizing, here’s a snippet.
THE ALTERED PERCEPTIONS YOU HAVE CREATED FOR YOURSELF ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS TRULY STAGGERING. YOUR POSTINGS ARE CONSUMED WITH INACCURACIES, FALSE STATEMENTS, SELF-SERVING COMMENTS, OUTRIGHT MISREPRESENTATIONS AND BLATANT LIES. WHAT IS YOUR ACTUAL TRUTH? WHAT IS YOUR REALITY?
So picture that, but for literally eight pages of text. In the letter, JWoww goes into excruciating detail about her husband’s allegedly abusive behavior, and how he has used social media to manipulate public perception of his relationship with her and their two kids. In one especially rough part, she alleges that he fed their son Greyson pizza, despite him being highly allergic to both gluten and dairy. She says, “When I asked you about the food situation, you chose to berate me instead of acknowledging that Greyson’s health is of paramount concern.” As much as I love pizza, that’s pretty f*cked up if it’s true. She also accuses Roger of not letting Greyson’s therapist into their house, so she stood on the front porch for 30 minutes in the freezing cold. Messed up.
In the letter, Jenni says that Roger has purposely contacted abusive exes from her past, all in an effort to make her feel unsafe. She also alleges he’s been physically abusive to her: “You have spit at me. You have pushed me. You have shoved me. You have aggressively thrown me to the ground. You have prevented me from closing doors to escape having you coming at me.” That all sounds horrible, and I can’t imagine what how it’s been for her living through it.
Near the end of the letter, Jenni takes the opportunity to help other people in abusive relationships, linking to a guide that her divorce lawyer has set up. Whether or not you agree with her decision to publicize her relationship like this, it’s important that she’s using her platform to help others in similar situations. She ends the letter with this sentiment that I think we could all use.
YOU ARE VALUABLE, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE LOVED.
Leaving an abusive relationship is both difficult and dangerous, so I’m glad Jenni is getting out. Luckily, the ladies of Jersey Shore are always there for each other, and they offered their love and support in the comments section of her post:
Even though the Jersey Shore ladies have gotten into plenty of arguments on national television, they really do have amazing friendships with each other. It’s good to know that Jenni has these positive relationships in her life, because I’m sure she really needs them right now. With all of this going on, I hope JWoww and her kids are okay and that they can get past all of this.
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, call the Loveisrespect hotline at 1-866-331-9474, text loveis to 22522, or visit loveisrespect.org.
Images: Shutterstock; @jwoww / Instagram (2)
Hello all, it is officially our LAST Jerzday for a while because it is the Jersey Shore Family Vacation FINALE. This season has gone on so long, I can’t even believe it. What did I used to do on Thursdays? Did I have hopes, dreams perhaps? Did I have friends? I will find out next week when I’m no longer enslaved to MTV.
I wonder if this season has gone on so long because pretty much nothing interesting has happened. We open this episode in the middle of a crazy-ass fight between that one Fat Shamer guy that told Ronnie he has more money than him and his stripper girlfriend who hates Angelina. It’s like producers were like, “Oh finally, something happened! We can end the show now!”
Angelina is trying to attack the other girl, Jenni threw a drink on her, there is screaming, chairs being thrown, pregnant Deena ran away, it is total chaos. The stripper and the guy are outside of the bar after security moved them out and the girl starts attacking the guy! Ronnie is like, “oh I totally would have punched him, oh well,” as the guy’s own gf punched him in the face.
Ron: She had a great right hook!
Snooki is so pleased with herself, she’s like stuffing her face with chips and is like, “We can still throw down, don’t f*ck with us.” Pretty sure she hid behind Jenni for the whole fight but okay. Ronnie is also patting himself on the back for doing nothing, in fact he compares himself to Moses.
Ron: Yeah, everyone just followed me outside.
Snooki: Didn’t Moses break the water?
Ron: I’m very religious.
Angelina: Moses had all the animals on the boat.
Ron: That was Noah.
Angelina: Nicole, Moses wasn’t the one with the animals, he’s the one with the-
Snooki: That’s Adam and Eve.
Ron: Moses parted the Red Sea, but I’m 95% sure that Jesus came first. Well Adam and Eve came, then Jesus-
Snooki: I love Jesus.
This has been Bible Study, Jerzday edition. I just lost a few brain cells. Vinny has had enough. It’s 4am and the Spiral Squad has irritated him to the point of getting out of bed.
Angelina: Adam and Eve banged to make more people, then Moses parted the sea, so Noah built the ark for animals, and Jesus rode on the boat.
Oh my God, you think this can’t get any dumber, but this is when Snooki informs Ang that Jesus flew in. Probably on Spirit Airlines, according to Ron. Oh hey, I just got that. Angelina is now describing how she loves to use the bathroom on airplanes and she’s pretty sure that her, um, excrement, flies off the plane and hits pedestrians in the face. I swear to God, I’m getting dumber watching this show. RIP to my last two brain cells. It’s been nice knowing ya.
“The gang is going to some kind of blood foundation fundraiser thing with Deena and her family since her dad died of leukemia. They’re all like, “what a perfect end to our trip,” and I’m over here like, “huh that sounds super f*cking boring to watch.” I’m all for charity but like, they could have done this on their own time. I want to watch them get hammered and fight—that’s all I expect from these people.
They’re all talking about who’s coming to the charity event and it leads to how Angelina’s sex life is garbage, which naturally leads to chanting “Angelina Hasn’t Gotten Plowed In A Long Time” in a cult-like fashion. This causes Vinny to get all riled up and he jumps on top of Angelina and begins to hump her. Wtf, Vinny, this might be why she thinks you want to f*ck her. Someone hose him off! He’s like one of my mom’s Yorkies. Calm yourself, man!
Ang is concerned the roommates will sing their fun new song to Chris (aka Thumb Thumb), but like, maybe don’t sh*t on your sex life to other people (and hi, on TV) if you don’t want it to get back to him?
Ronnie gets on his phone and rushes outside. What happened now? Who did Jen f*ck? Oh sh*t, Jen was robbed. I also learned via subtitles saying that Jen is on the phone that Jen is really “Jenn”. Of course that’s how she spells it. Okay, sorry, I won’t make fun of her rn, she was robbed!
Some guy came in through the back door while she and the baby were home and ransacked the place. That is soooo scary. This is why people need dogs. Well like, one of a million reasons. It’s like, reason one: cute, reason two: cuddly, reason three: break-ins.
Pauly thinks Jen, sorry, JENN is lying to talk to Ronnie. Jenn is staying in the house despite the break-in and Ron is like, “that makes no sense,” which fair point. Then Ron says that Jenn found a bag of bullets in the backyard? Ooookay, that is sounding pretty fake. Why would the robber just leave those? Also don’t most robbers watch the house first? Like, they know if someone is home. I watch a lot of true crime, I’m basically an expert here. So we have to ask ourselves: is Jenn that crazy? And you know what? She totally is!
Mike: I’m befuddled if that’s a word.
It’s totally a word. I’m mildly impressed he knows that. Okay wait. Here’s the tea. So Jenn moved out of Ronnie’s house. Then a DAY LATER she gets robbed at her house. The robber left a box of bullets on the Jacuzzi. Is he the worst robber ever? This house has been abandoned for months, and now is the time to rob it, when they’re clearly back living in it? So Ronnie told Jen to please go back to his house so she’s *safe*.
Vinny is like, “I don’t want to be insensitive, but it sounds weird,” and Pauly shuts that down and is like, “none of this sh*t happened, it’s a big fat lie, Jenn’s a lying liar.” And Vin is all, “oh cool, I didn’t have to say it.” And Pauly’s like, “no robber would leave a box of bullets, like I rob houses for a living.” The girls want to know what was taken. Apparently all that is stolen is a phone and a laptop. To which they’re like, “why would anyone break into a house to steal a phone?” Solid point. Also phones can be tracked.
The guys think this is so on brand for Jenn that they can’t even react seriously about it and are more concerned with whether Ron wants to come with them for a haircut. This doesn’t even make the list of Jenn’s Greatest Hits, which according to the guys, are as follows:
- dragging Ron with a car
- smashing the TVs with a golf club
- slapping and spitting on Ron on TV
The girls think it either is a complete lie or she had one of her friends do it. It’s only a matter of time before Ron gets sucked back into this sham of a relationship.
Vin: There was Taken 1. Then Taken 2. Then Taken 3. Now there is… Taken Ronnie.
Ronnie thinks the robbers stole her phone so she couldn’t call for help… but that’s like, the only thing they took. Deena tells him his life is a bad movie, and Ron is like, “no, it’s a television show. “Then he breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera. I don’t appreciate Ron looking at me, make him stop it. And Deena is like, “NO RON, it’s a BAD movie.”
The guys go to lunch with Ron and try to tell him that this robbery is clearly a lie. Mike tells him it’s just very unlikely to have a home invasion and get run over by a car in the same month. I don’t know the stats on that, but I cannot believe this has only been a month in Jersey time. So we’ve seen like their every waking moment then for a month for this season? Pauly straight-up tells him that this a story “conjured up”. Ronnie is like, “Jenn wouldn’t do that.”
Anyone who’s witnessed even 10 seconds of Jenn’s actions:
Vinny: I dated this girl who had asthma and every time I tried to break up with her she’d give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.
I feel personally attacked rn. Ronnie doesn’t think she’d make that up with the baby around, but I think that’s all the more reason she would do it. She’s holding it over him to really freak him out and make him obsess over her and the baby.
Deena thinks if it was her, she would immediately fly home and make sure her kid is okay, which like, good point. But also this is Jenn’s plan! Like in normal circumstances, that is 100% what he should do, but she is doing this to get him to freak out and go home.
They all get ready and go to the fundraiser. They arrange conga line style and Pauly orchestrates them with his megaphone to chant their Angelina song while they fist pump out the door. Except now it sounds like Angelina-Ain’t-Got-Pounded-Out-In-A-Long-Time. Is that what they were always saying? Did I accidentally correct their grammar in my head because my poor, fragile ears could not take it? Angelina is joyously chanting along, because “it’s true”.
The back of Vin’s shirt says Keto Guido, which makes this maybe his 11th shirt that is Keto-related. Pauly’s says Prank War Champion. I can’t see anyone else’s yet. The event is for Be The Match and they encourage people to donate cash and sign up to see if they’re a possible donor for the database, which is pretty cool. Danny shows up and made all the shirts for the event. Everyone’s families show up. Ron’s giving away Won Won Juice. Then Ang’s fiancé shows up and Vinny gets super jealous and is all, “no it’s not awkward, everything’s cool,” and then decides to organize everyone to do the Angelina chant on stage in front of said fiancé. That’s just cruel.
Yeah Vin, you’re definitely not trying to ruin their relationship. Pauly starts DJ-ing. Vin is hosting the live auction and gets everyone up on stage. Ron’s shirt says Spiral Squad. The first auction item: Touch Pauly D’s blowout. Some chick straightup pays $875 to touch his hair. Where do these thots get so much spending money?
Next item: Take a shot with Snooki. Are they aware they can just hang around any bar in Jersey and do this for free? According to Snooks, she’s now a “floor-amplithist”. So many people bid on this that Snooki has to take like 9 shots which is 100% how she will die of alcohol poisoning. She’s a tiny thing, she weighs like 11 pounds. Vinny calls her a work of art (but when I take 9 shots in a row I’m “bordering on alcoholism”… ok). Snooks does it and raises $2,400.
Jenni’s contribution is to dance with someone. She raises $840. Angelina has a trash bag race and gets $725. Ronnie arm wrestles for $900, Mike has a meatball eating contest for $1,200. Like wtf Mike, you could have paid your taxes if you knew this was what the people wanted.
You might think that Vinny is so involved with raising money for a great cause that he forgets he’s a petty, petty bitch. You would be wrong. Because that’s when Vinny decides to broadcast via microphone to everyone that Angelina’s sex life sucks.
Jenni: might as well go on to her fourth engagement because this isn’t going to last after that song.
Vinny then coerces the crowd into a chant directly to Chris that ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. Chris looks humiliated and Vinny is super pleased with himself. They raised $40,145, which is crazy but also awesome.
They’re all like, everything is sunshine and rainbows, we’re ending on a high note, blah blah blah. This is boring af. And then it just ends. They finish the episode with “in memory of” Deena’s father and Vin’s uncle and it’s all just a bit too WHOLESOME for me. But like, good for you guys.
And just like that we’re free of the horrors of the Jersey Shore for probably like three weeks before it starts again because MTV does not want us to be free. Let me know what you thought of this season in the comments, and if you’ll be back for season 3! Now if you need me I’m going to pound shots.
Images: Giphy; MTV
Friends, we have trouble in paradise (or at least some bizarro trailer park version of paradise): TMZ is reporting that JWoww got a restraining order on estranged husband Roger Matthews (and kicked him out of the house) after an apparent altercation. Color me surprised to see the second drunkest Jersey Shore cast member appear in a story containing the phrases “estranged husband” and “restraining order.” Throw in some lotto scratch-offs, and you’ve got the white trash trifecta!
TMZ is light on details surrounding why JWoww got a restraining order, but we know for a fact that Roger did the worst thing possible: He used a sh*tload of Insta videos to plead his case where one video would probably suffice. I’d kick him out of the house for that, too. According to Roger, JWoww started the fight, getting “completely, uncontrollably emotional like she always does.” (He gaslights, too—this guy really does it all!) He says that he went home after the fight, only to be awakened by the cops. They informed him that he didn’t have to go home, but that he couldn’t stay there thanks to a newly minted restraining order. Rog picks things up from the back of his squad car escort:
There are like 50 more of these (like I said, what a prick!), eventually moving from the squad car to his friend’s couch. If what he says is true, it sounds like it got pretty nasty. Telling your kids (in front of their dad, no less) that you’re sorry you ever had children with him is extremely effed up!
As to what’s true and what isn’t, who knows? JWoww isn’t saying much. All I’ve seen is her latest Insta from an hour ago, which is clearly a statement from a lawyer or spokesperson:
“Any statements and social media posts depicting anything to the contrary are entirely false, misleading, and intentionally designed to cast Jenni in a negative light. She is proud to be a hardworking parent who provides for her children.” Ouch, JWoww. Way to hit a man right where it hurts!
What do I think? In one of his videos, Roger mentioned that he was there to see the kids since Jenni was leaving for work, “again.” My guess is that there was some dust-up over who brings home the bacon in this delightfully broken family. He bitched at her about always being on the road and ignoring the kids, and she shot back something about someone in the family having to work. Again, pure speculation, but we’re all thinking it. Or maybe I just watch too many movies.
The strangest part of this divorce and alleged altercation, to me, is that someone who made millions for being drunk and prone to conflict is exactly like that in real life!
Images: Shutterstock; rogermathewsnj, jwoww / Instagram
So, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is literally just my life now and I have no idea what’s even going on anymore. I feel like I’m back in high school in SAT class. Deena comments that she loves the house so far, citing things like she “got a good night’s sleep” and “has her space”. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was watching a show about church camp, BUT GOOD FOR YOU. Maybe they’ll go swimming and exchange friendship bracelets.
Deena then corners Vinny and asks about the penis touching incident and told Vin it seems like he and Ang are a couple. #burn.
Then Snooki says she is throwing a 7-year-old style birthday party at the house which is both weird and f*cking annoying. Jenni is thrilled because she “throws these parties all the time”. Sounds super sick, guys. This is so much worse than friendship bracelets.
Pauly D: An adult themed party sounds like a porno party. Sometimes on my tour bus, we have adult parties.
F*cking ew. Can we work on getting some kind of STD testing sponsorship for Pauly’s DJ sets?
They are literally jumping at a bounce house. I’m half expecting Corinne Olympios, queen of naps and cheese pasta, to show up and try to molest someone in it.
Angelina shows us all how to use a giant hamster ball, as she is the dirty hamster expert here. Mike almost dies trying to use said hamster ball because he has obviously not been doing his cardio.
Burger King is catering this entire thing. I’m sorry, what the f*ck am I watching? I make up all kinds of excuses to avoid my friends’ kids’ birthday parties, and yet now I’m somehow being held hostage to watch sad grown adults have a kids party because they are trying to make “drama” for their show.
Vin completely lies about his diet and pretends this is the first time he’s had carbs. But hi Vin, those keto strips don’t lie. Then Mike lies too, claiming he hasn’t had BK in years. We literally have FOOTAGE of him and Jenni at Burger King post-rehab speech. Mike, we have the receipts.
Vinny is making up some game or “challenge” amongst himself where the losing option is to kiss Angelina’s feet. Yeah Vin, seems like you really don’t want to do that. He acts like he can’t lose because he’s so grossed out by Angelina. But again, he’s the one who came up with the feet kissing.
Vin: Hey, Angelina should kiss my feet, or I should kiss Angelina’s feet, but I hope that doesn’t happen because Angelina is gross. Haha. But like, can we still do the feet kissing?
Oh my God, I just noticed Vinny is wearing a shirt with the Instagram logo that says “Introverted”. I’m sorry, that is f*cking obnoxious. Get with the program, we all stopped bragging about being introverts in like, 2014 when Thought Catalog stopped being cool. Vinny wins and Angelina now has to kiss his feet, which I’m sure he’s thrilled about. This isn’t Ang’s worst Tuesday. She’s used to being disgusting. Vinny is so excited that Ang kissed his foot that he hugs her in gratitude. All of it is disturbing.
The girls and guys decide to separate for the night. Ang decides it’s going to be a classy night which means no swearing, napkins on laps, proper posture because she has scoliosis, and no bodily functions. Okay, let’s just replace her with someone who isn’t trash. The guys are going to the club and I’m way more excited for their drama. We finally get to see Single Ronnie at work. There is no talk about Single Jenni, and that’s a total bore. The girls go to a classy bistro for cheese and wine, and Angelina calls Jenni “a disgust” because she’s burping and whining that she’s fat. K.
The guys go to Jeni’s and Ronnie is like, “oh I haven’t been Single Ronnie in 15 years,” and it’s like, Ron, your best Single Ronnie was always when you had a girlfriend. The guys are horrified to find it’s country music night. The scene is lame so they eat ice cream cones in the corner. This is literally me at every bar. Then some sad sack comes up near their table and is pathetically dancing to himself and miming fake sobs. Oh my God, is doing The Ronnie? Is this a dance move now?
Vinny: Don’t lock eyes with him, OMG he’s seducing me, OMG I’m in love, JUST KIDDING.
I don’t believe any “just kidding” of Vin’s anymore, I guarantee he will sleep with this man. This guy is just staring at them dancing with a chair. Mike is overall pleased with boy’s night, as he’s had a chance to gorge himself. Single Ronnie is completely lame when he’s not cheating on anyone. Really takes the fun out of it.
The girls are drunk and Snooki literally pours the rest of their bottle of wine into an empty Gatorade bottle in her purse. If that doesn’t say class, I don’t know what does. Jenni comments that they are all really polished tonight, like a “polished turd.” I almost completely stopped listening but then as they are leaving, some old-ass man calls Deena FAT. Deena is f*cking pregnant, not okay dude. But the plot thickens. Apparently, as the crew walked by, what he actually said was, “every girl is fat.” Holyyy shit. Do you not remember what happened the last time some rando called a Jersey Shore lady fat? Here, I’ll remind you:
remember when Jwoww punched a girl in the face for calling Snooki fat pic.twitter.com/LANutF7a1e
— realitytvshow (@bgcslave) August 15, 2018
I’ve seen Jenni IRL and let me tell you, aside from her boobs that are larger than my head, she is tiny. Jenni and Snooks stalk back into the bar. Jenni is all, “Did you call a PREGNANT girl fat?!” And calls him a b*tch. And points in his face and is like “THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA!” Then the guy calls Jenni a b*tch.
BUT THEN. They walk away. I’m soooo disappointed. In the good old days, Jenni would have legit punched him in the face (see above). Quit this maturity thing, I like to watch trash TV for the possibility of assault charges! What is this sh*t?
Okay, the guys are still sitting at the table with their little dancer man. He finally asks for a picture with them. He danced for three hours for a photo. Then he walks away. Vin feels abused by the fact that he only wanted a picture.
The guys leave to get funnel cake. The girls go to bed. I don’t want to old-shame, but like, guys, it may be time for you to move on from Jersey Shore. These are not the guidos I know and love. Like, you guys got ice cream and went to bed. I don’t need to waste my life watching TV about this; it’s what I do regularly.
Since carbs found Vinny, he is now going HAM and cannot stop himself. Pauly calls him a cheater and makes him wear an iPad on a gold chain with a photo of himself eating carbs. They just have these things at their disposal just in case.
A whole day goes by with nothing eventful to show (shocking) and the gang all goes to dinner together. Vinny so ~randomly~ runs into his cousins at the restaurant. But guess what? Turns out, the cousin’s friend is THAT MOTHERF*CKER that called the girls fat last night at the same restaurant! I’m sorry, are there only like three restaurants in all of Jersey??? How did this happen? Vinny, are you seriously related to these POSes?
Ronnie: I’m going to play with my foot up his ass.
Weird flex, but okay.
Okay, so they’re showing this guy’s face which means he had to sign a release for filming, right? Seems like this is fake but oh well. Then the Fat-Shamer himself walks by Mike, and is like, “oh Mike? We have a mutual friend!” And Mike f*cking shakes his hand.
The girls are like, “why the f*ck are you shaking his hand?” And Pauly goes, “Get out of my table chooch!” (Wtf is a chooch?)
According to Urban Dictionary: chooch
The term is derived from the Italian word “ciuccio” and means jackass, dummy, idiot, or moron. A chooch is a person, who against better judgment, acts inappropriately.
The Fat-Shamer denies the fat-shaming. I’m sorry, HI, this is all FILMED. Ronnie is just sitting, eating and ignoring. Vin calls him a “doo-da-doo” which is apparently a loser. Why do all of their insults sound like they are from a fifth-grade playground? The guy retreats and Angelina realizes she knows one of the girls he’s with. Of course she does. The girl is a stripper and hates Ang. I also hate Ang so I can’t blame her there. They all go upstairs to the lounge club area and Jenni is wearing a cardigan and glasses like, why does she want to fight me?
The Fat-Shamer goes up to them and gives them the finger. Pauly jumps up and gets in his face, the first man to step up and defend the women, THANK YOU Pauly! It’s a lot of “WHAT’S UP MY GUY” before his security intervenes. Pauly’s “GUY” gets removed by security and the crowd chants Pauly’s name. It’s like every bullied kid in middle school’s dream. Also, it’s probably pretty easy to stand up to people when you’re surrounded by private security, just saying.
Ronnie misses everything because he’s once again destroying a toilet and runs into THE GUY outside the bathroom. The Guy compliments his man jewelry and tells him he has more money than him. They start bickering. C’mon, Ron, handle this. Make me hate you slightly less.
The Guy is like “I only call fat chicks fat”, which is OFFENSIVE, RON, but then he starts calling Ron “baby”, and this took a weird turn. And then Ron is all, “I’m not your baby”. And The Guy touches Ron’s chain. Ron is like, “OKAY LET’S GO!”
Ron: He’s wearing fake ass GIVE-INCH-EEE.
Referring to The Guy’s Givenchy shirt. Which is pronounced jee-von-shee, BTW. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s designer shirt, you have to know how to correctly say it.
The Guy: Come to my yacht parties and I’ll show you who gets paid. But like, will you come to my yacht parties???
???? Is this an insult or an invite? Jesus, fix it. Ronnie goes on a Ronpage and grabs all his security to go meet the guy for fighting purposes. Then the trashy stripper girl starts hounding Angelina. Classic Ang is all “f*ck you bitch, stripper bitch, ugly titties”. The guy never comes back—he literally let his GF fight for him? Then the stripper JUMPS the fence and security carries her out.
Unfortunately, this is also when MTV decides to cut the episode. Okay, finally I want to watch something about this show and it just ends?? Whatever, until next week.
Images: Giphy (2); MTV (1)
I honestly can’t even remember what happened last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, was it that uneventful? I vaguely remember the girls leaving while Pauly tried to commandeer a secret guy’s weekend that Mike almost ruined. Because he ruins everything. And J-Woww left early because she’s still mad about the f*cking Mother’s Day video. Anyway, we pick back up on Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode 7 in a not very surprising spot: Mike is stuffing his face and looking at himself in the mirror.
Mike: Thick is the new thin.
I mean true, but like, Mike, if I have to pretend to like kale and go to the gym, so do you. We all want to lie around and eat funfetti cake all the time but we don’t. It’s called being an adult. It sucks. You know what? Nevermind, f*ck this, let’s all get fat together and eat funfetti cake all the time.
Literally all I’ve wanted to do for my entire life:
Ronnie is ruining brunch as per usual by listing all the things he has to buy for his baby now that he and Jen are separating. Ron, just order this sh*t on Amazon Prime and shut the f*ck up. It’s taking longer for you to bore us to death by announcing every item than it would for one-click shipping.
Vin: We are having four guidos and a baby day. We want to go to Ron’s house and set everything up for the baby.
…Why are they trying to fight me? What did I do to deserve this kind of boredom? You guys used to be fun.
Ron makes a fat-shaming joke about Mike being pregnant (not cool Ron, it’s 2018), and Mike is all, “Whatever, it takes a real man to rock a dad bod.” Who’s going to tell him that his abs were his only redeeming quality?
Pauly: Since Donald Trump is president, any reality star can be president, so like, I should be president.
TBH, I would totally take President DJ Pauly D over Trump any day. What does that say about our country?
Ron fills in Pauly about Jenni leaving. Then we see Snooki driving to Jenni’s in Jersey. Oh, I swear to God, Jenni, if you f*cking mention that video again, I will cut you. Nicole is wearing MASSIVE fake eyelashes, which seem like a bit much for a fighting-with-a-friend-at-her-home kind of event.
Jenni: I left because I wasn’t into it and then you invited Angelina and then THE VIDEO…
Snooki: Why didn’t you call me and say it hurt your feelings that I wasn’t in the video?
Solid point, Snooki.
Jenni: But like how’s your new best friend?
So I guess hanging out with no one but children makes you a f*cking child yourself.
The guidos are shopping in the baby store. It’s all weird and sad.
Pauly to cashier: Do you have anything for when the dad cries more than the baby?
Scared cashier: Um. No.
Pauly then gets in trouble with her by putting a sticker of his own face over a baby’s face on a product. She makes him remove it so he sticks it on her back. It’s kind of funny.
So Jenni and Snooki are having a little b*tch fight where Jenni is saying she almost left without even telling her (not helping her case TBH), and Jenni is still complaining about Angelina. They just eventually give up and decide to let it go.
Jenni: It’s all about Namaste and hug that sh*t out and move on.
Okay Jenni, so let’s not EVER TALK ABOUT THE PASTA VIDEO AGAIN.
Jenni with this f*cking video:
So the guys go back to Ronnie’s house, where Jen has already moved out. Side note: Love how they keep dividing these scenes back and forth between the girls and guys because they are both sooo dull to sit through all at once. They walk in to find Ronnie’s huge TV smashed on the ground. Ron says he wasn’t even there for that rampage. They all go upstairs.
Pauly: Are we gonna do a reenactment?
Then they walk up what they refer to as the “famous staircase”. It’s the staircase where Jen was Instagram Live filming one of their fights.
Pauly: Ronnie’s hair looked terrible during that fight. I must have watched it four million times.
Mike: I actually don’t get starstruck by Ronnie’s stairs… you know what I’m saying?
They go upstairs and Jen has destroyed another TV. Like… why always the TVs? What did they ever do to you? The guys help Ron remove the damaged TVs. Naturally, the next step is to put the Baby Bjorn on Mike. He puts his bag of chips inside of it. He’s dancing with his chips. Oh my God, am I Mike? Is Mike me? I feel personally attacked.
They clean everything out and then they’re like, oh let’s eat.
Mike: Now you’re speaking my languages.
Mike, you can barely speak one language. Just stop.
The guys get ready to go out and I swear someone better cheat on their significant other because I am so over this baby stuff. Mike arrives wearing a yellow sweater.
Vin to Mike: Waddup, Curious George.
Why does Mike always wear pastel sweaters now? Is he auditioning to be a Chanel? Is this part of his “I Don’t Belong In Prison” scheme?
Ronnie pats himself on the back for keeping his temper the whole trip and everyone is like… is he… is he serious? He literally tried to fight some rando in the bathroom at the pool.
Pauly then announces that he and Vinny are having a bromitment ceremony. Where is Barney Stinson? We are really reaching for drama on this show. They legit pull up to a wedding chapel. They’re making Mike be the flower girl because he’s already dressed like one.
Wedding chapel person: Do you want to hear about our packages?
Pauly: I’m getting married because of his package if you know what I mean.
What is happening?
What am I watching?
What is happening to my life?
Pauly to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Mike helps Vin get ready and Ron helps Pauly.
Vin puts on a tiara and veil.
Vin: I look like a beekeeper.
Ron: This marriage is perfect, he’s white, you’re tan.
I have so many questions.
Vin to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Huh, maybe Vin and Pauly are meant to be.
Ron: This is the closest I’ve ever been to a wedding chapel in Vegas. It smells like regret.
Mike flower-girls down the aisle by throwing the flowers over his head. Vinny walks down the aisle.
Oh, they’re getting married by Elvis.
Pauly: I never pictured my bride to have a beard.
They show a montage of their friendship. Oh God, they have vows.
Pauly: Vinny. Ever since the moment you walked into that shore house. The second we worked together at the T-shirt shop. Before you had a beard. And I met your family in Staten Island. And I realized Staten Island was an actual island. I knew that it was gonna be you.
Vin: Pauly. We don’t look like we belong together. You’re orange, I’m pale. You have muscles, and I don’t. But at the end of the day, you’re the ying to my yang, and I want to do T-Shirt Time together for the rest of my life.
They do the rings.
Vin (in his interview): Don’t tell him I said this, but it’s a little gold ring, and the guy is covered with ice, like, get me some diamonds, bro.
They totally f*ck up the kiss and do a bro-y hug, complete with back pats so it’s not gay. (Seriously, why do men do this?) What did I just watch though?
Now Snooki is meeting up with Jenni and Angelina to work through their issues. Why don’t we just agree to stop inviting Angelina places? Problem solved. I’m getting another glass of wine to get through this. Snooki is giving Angelina advice on how to look classy while her hair looks like an insane Pomeranian.
Snooki: Remember how I invited you to Vegas so you could make up with Jenni?
Also Snooki: I don’t want to be in the middle of this.
Pauly is now molesting Vinny in bed while attempting to wake him up. Mike harasses Ron into being the first ones at the buffet. The woman working at the buffet says he’s been there so often, he’s like family. Mike and Ron are walking through the lines of the buffet and Mike is telling him every single dish.
Ron: How long have you worked here?
I assumed they were getting breakfast because they just woke up, but Mike is eating pasta, steak, mac and cheese, fried rice, and ice cream???
Since Mike and Ron are the only ones here and we already talked about food, obviously the only subject we can now discuss is Ron’s baby and baby mama. He says he hasn’t talked to Jen at all and it’s left to the lawyers now. Probs a good idea, considering she ran you over with her car for much less than this. Now that that topic is covered, we again go back to food.
Mike: I have to eat everything now because when I get home it’s back to the diet.
Ron: Will Lauren even recognize you?
Mike: She knows I hold my weight well.
Ugh, I wish I did. I look like Jack Skellington with a pot belly when I gain weight. Those PSLs are my true Nightmare Before Christmas.
Snooki calls Jenni and basically holds her to lunch with Angelina at gunpoint.
The boys are all looking at themselves and Mike is like, “damn boy you thicc”, to himself but like, he’s so thicc that Vinny can’t fit in the frame. They all go out to Drais, which Pauly claims is his “favorite” but I’m pretty sure it’s where his residency is, so it’s more like “pays his bills”.
They have a cabana with a hot tub and there are tons of girls in bikinis. Serious question: who wears a bikini to a nightclub? Like they obviously planned on going in the hot tub? It’s so weird.
Mike: What is this, a THOT tub?
Me:
Mike claims that all the girls are hitting on him. Somehow I doubt it, but sometimes people act weird and sad in order to get on TV, so it may be true.
Vin: They say it’s the thot that counts, but right now, I’m counting thots.
They’re bringing tons of girls home although the only people trying to hook up are Pauly and Vin. Why isn’t Ron? It’s like I don’t even know him now.
Pauly: We have a stripper pole in our shower.
Thot: Ooooh show me.
WTF, where do people like this exist?
ALSO, this girl walks through the whole hotel in nothing but her bikini. Like, you didn’t wear a cover-up over it at all? Don’t you have a purse? Or like… shoes? This floor is f*cking dirty!
Pauly leads the girl to the shower where she immediately takes her top off and starts dancing like a stripper. I’m beginning to suspect these women were paid.
Mike is horrified. He’s closing his eyes.
Mike: Asses are everywhere. Not today, Satan.
The thottiest thot walks up to Mike and says, verbatim, “wanna play?” confirming these girls were definitely paid. It’s like these guys are now so undesirable, the producers paid for strippers to make it seem like they could still smush like the good old days. Tragic.
The girls are twerking on everything and everyone. Again. Paiiiiid. Probs paid well. Mike orders burgers and fries that definitely look like they’re from In N Out. Except one girl has chicken nuggets??? They don’t sell those at In N Out.
One of the girls goes in and interrupts the smushing to give them burgers. Mike tries to go to sleep and some girl starts crawling all over Ronnie. (cough cough PAID.)
Pauly: This was the best trip ever, we had the Bromitment ceremony, Thotchella, and Four Guidos and a Baby.
That was like the last episode. Before that, nothing even happened except Jenni whined a lot and Jen tried to murder Ron.
I guess we’ll see next week when everyone is somehow back at The Shore??? Why is this happening?
Images: Giphy (7); MTV
The age-old saying of “Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore” proves to be too true as JWoww dropped a grenade on us and filed for divorce from Roger Farley. We watched how excited JWoww was when Roger would come visit her on Jersey Shore, saw their everyday life on Snooki & JWoww, and thought about going husband hunting DTS (down the shore) because of them.
Alas, nothing gold can stay. Two weeks ago, JWoww filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences.” So like, what’s the real reason, though? And we don’t want an amicable “we will always be BFFs” divorce answer. Her court documents state that the marriage has been breaking down for the last 6 months and insiders say that it was a long time coming… even though they’ve only been married for 3 years. K. Roger was also supposed to play a larger role in Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, but opted out because fame and attention aren’t his thing. Jenni, that should be a good thing!
And in case you need another reason to love Snooki, it seems like she’s just as upset about JWoww’s divorce as we all are. (No? I’m the only one who’s upset? Ok, moving on…) Check out this comment she left under E! News’ Instagram.
I mean, to be fair, we don’t know if Snooki is “crying” because of the divorce or because she loves JWoww so much and they really are soulmates. I feel like it’s probably a little bit of both? Roger being out of the picture kind of marks the end of an era, since I can’t remember the last time Jenni wasn’t talking about him nonstop on Jersey Shore. Maybe next season she’ll finally put in a pair of contacts and spend more than two hours at the club? It’s all I ask for in this life.
Whatever the real reason for the split is, we know that Snooki is going to be right by JWoww’s side through it all. These two friends are def soulmates, but Roger isn’t giving up that easily and said he will win his wife back. No matter what happens, we are here for you JWoww, and down for a girls night at Karma if you need it.
Images: commentsbycelebs / Instagram
After a boring summer without enough GTL, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is back! We’re excitedly waiting to see if Ronnie finally got the balls to stay single, if Mike’s going to prison, if Angelina is going to be a regular (God, please, no), if J-Woww found her personality, and what a preggo meatball Deena will be like. The season preview was literally just them screaming at each other.
We open up to Ronnie and Baby Mama Jen having a baby shower. Ronnie, you f*cking moron. If your woman is throwing you out of a moving car, if you’re trying to cheat every two seconds, just break tf up. Why must I tell you this? Ronnie is such a good dad, he went to London when Jen was about-to-burst pregnant and landed when she went into labor. And he literally complains that he had to fly back for the birth of his child. A dream parent, really. We’re 30 seconds in and I’m already mad at you, Ron.
Ugh, God, I hate babies. I mean, ooooh looook little guido baby. Cuuuuute. Let’s get on with the show, people.
Oh, here’s generic blonde Lauren and Mike, talking about their dream wedding abroad, ruined by Mike’s impending prison sentence. It’s so annoying when your crimes prevent you from your special day plans, amirite? Love that none of this is a red flag to Lauren, but hey, she let Mike break up with her several times to f*ck other women, and took him back again and again.
Now Pauly and Ronnie are playing with his tiny meatball baby. By “playing”, I of course mean “staring at it” because that thing is barely alive at this age. Oh my God, here we go with a hilarious montage of Ronnie and Jen’s totally abusive and nasty messages to each other with Ronnie screaming over it. Yikes. They’re really glossing over how problematic this is.
And now we’re somehow cutting to lunch with Snooks and Angelina being fake polite to each other. Oh good, Snooki bought her adult diapers. Oh good, they got their boobs done together. I have no interest in this.
Vinny is talking to his mom about how much happier he is without the Instagram Model in his life. Now he can save all the strippers he wants! Oooooh, I totally forgot this season is going to be in Vegas. Funny how for Jersey Shore there is no Jersey Shore in sight. Guess they’re still not allowed back then? TBH, I didn’t even know what the Jersey Shore was before this show, so maybe they should be thanking MTV.
J-Woww is all, “Oh everyone thinks babies are so easy!”, like no b*tch, babies look like life-ruining nightmares, but okay. Her baby is two and doesn’t speak yet and has to go to therapy. I don’t know at what age babies usually speak at, but I’m assuming this is bad? While I do feel bad she’s worried about her kid, quiet kids seem way easier, soo…
The girls meet for drinks (food?) and apparently Angelina called Jenni a Jersey Whore which she finds really offensive. I’m disappointed in you, J-Woww, you used to be proud of being a Jersey whore. Deena announces that she’s not coming to Vegas due to her pregnancy, which like, good. Sorry D, you spent all last season falling on the ground and crying about your husband. I’m imagining pregnancy hormones are worse than alcohol, yes? I could do without it.
The guys arrive in a ridiculous suite at Planet Hollywood. It has a stripper pole in the shower.
Vinny: Ronnie’s gonna be single by like dinner.
He’s still with Jen after the violence and the weird little Instagram montage? Oh, Ron. Also Vin, Ron does not have to be single to f*ck strippers, which we’ve learned many times over. I remember when they had a little tiny (but really gigantic) beach shack above the T-shirt shop. Ah, memories. Pauly calls Ron out for posting two days prior on social media that he is single; now he’s saying he and Jen are good.
Mike: Ron’s acting like Puerto Rican Jesus. He says he’s working things out but how long will that last.
Mike, I think we remember the Bible differently.
Ronnie doesn’t want to go to a strip club. Also, can we discuss Mike’s shirt? Like, it’s not a bad shirt, but it just doesn’t look like him. He doesn’t look right next to the other guys.
Ronnie: I don’t want to go anywhere with Mike in that shirt.
Oh f*ck, if I’m agreeing with Ronnie, I need to rethink my entire life.
The girls arrive in Vegas!
Oh wait. I forgot. Sammi’s dead, Deena’s pregnant (which may as well be dead), and Angelina thankfully wasn’t invited yet because the producers are obviously going to surprise throw her on us later in the season. So the “girls” is literally just Snooks and J-Woww. And J-Woww still looks like a librarian, so she really doesn’t count. Snooki better step it up this season, that’s all I have to say.
We’re almost done with this episode and literally nothing has happened.
Snooks: Mom’s are here!
See? Having children makes everyone boring. Snooki has an updated pouf, where it’s like as big as her old pouf, but it’s segregated in three pieces like a spiked crown. Is she going to party or rule the seven seas?
F*CKING SNOOKI, she just announced that she invited Angelina to replace Deena on the trip. Why are you doing this to us? Angelina left the first season, 10 years ago. She is cancelled. Snooki has failed me so far. J-Woww is pissed but you can’t tell because her face does not move.
Out of nowhere, Mike announces that he and the “Missus” are “experimenting in the bedroom.” File that under things I don’t need to picture, thanks. Ronnie is bringing the baby and Jen to show everyone (why do people always insist on showing you their babies? They all look like shriveled potatoes for the first six months). J-Woww super sketchily cuts to her interview where she announces: I have a secret.
Apparently, she reached out to Jen after #SocialMediaGate. Now she’s worried Jen has told Ron that she once again inserted herself in the middle of his relationship. Like, why would she even talk to Jen? She doesn’t know her. Jen brings the shriveled potato up to their room. Snooks and J-Woww cry and say she looks just like Ron. They say this like it’s positive. Can you imagine Ron as a woman? That is going to be a hideous child if she doesn’t grow out of this. Don’t put that on her, guys. Vinny’s ovaries explode at seeing the baby. Oh my God, Snooki tries to smile at the baby and her face is so puffy and frozen it ends up like grimace. That is so scary and also so hilarious. Why do people do this to their face? Who is allowing her to have this much botox?
Mike to Jen: I don’t know what you did to this man, he’s a different person now.
Mike, Ronnie said no to the strip club. Once. One time. Two days ago he was announcing over social media that he was single. A little before that, he was engaging in totally abusive and violent arguing with Jen. But yeah, he’s a changed man. Mike is basically every woman ever.
J-Woww pulls Jen aside to talk and Jen says didn’t tell Ron anything about their conversations.
Jen: I told Ron I trust him 100%, and also if he f*cks up, I’ll find out.
Also Jen:
First of all, you should not trust him, he has given you a million reasons not to. Secondly, what is there to find out if you trust him? Run, Jen, run. Collect that child support and go. I cannot believe there is a woman in this world that wants to be with someone like Ronnie so badly that she’s willing to put up with this kind of garbage.
We end Jersey Shore Family Vacation season 2 episode 1 with Ron sending Jen off. Let the sh*tshow begin, friends.
Oh wait, there are two episodes back to back.
Okay, I guess I have to do this all over again now. I mean, fine, but something actually interesting better happen.
The group is talking about Ron and Jen behind their backs. What else is new? I am sooooooo embarrassed for Jen. This man drove you to getting into a physical altercation in the car with your baby, throwing him out of the car in front of said baby, and then running him over with it. But yeah, I’m sure it’ll work out now, guys. Or you could just break up.
Oh sweet Jesus, Mike is getting tanner by the second. He looks like OG Snookie. As if on cue, Vin starts singing the Oompa Loompa song. Ronnie says he’s glad everyone got to meet the baby before Jen goes to Oklahoma. Why is she going to Oklahoma? Is she moving away or like, on vacation? Who vacations in Oklahoma?
Now we have a whole sequence of the boys playing with the sequins on pillows. Can you people be fun again, please?
WHAT is with Jenni’s severe bun in her interviews? She looks like one of the men from Mulan.
Jenni is crying because she wanted some kind of Mother’s Day video but her friends were supposed to be in it (?) and now she’s mad at them (?). Unclear. Also, I have trouble understanding people who talk without moving their mouths. This is why I have so many friends in LA. I just smile and nod because I don’t know what their Botox faces are saying. It makes me appear agreeable.
They all go to dinner.
Vinny: All I want is for someone to look at me the way Mike looks at a food menu.
Seriously, me too, dude. Mike orders half of the menu. Why is he insisting on being fat? He’s like “oh, whatever, it won’t matter because I’ll get ripped when I for sure go to prison”? Does anyone really do that? I’ve seen every episode of OITNB, and that was Piper’s goal too, but so far she’s lost some teeth and caused a lot of problems, but is def not ripped.
Jenni is now announcing that she’s mad at Snooki about the Mother’s Day video. I don’t get this? Why would any of these people be in her Mother’s Day video? These aren’t your kids. Even though you supervise Vinny’s haircuts. It’s weird and creepy. Jenni, you used to have real problems, like b*tches looking at you wrong at the club. Fun things. Then Jenni decides she really wants to cause problems over this stupid f*cking video, because although she made sure Baby Mama Jen didn’t tell Ron anything, she now announces that she’s been conspiring with her at the table to everyone. Why? Then she comes for Vin.
Jenni: If only you had cheated on Alicia (Insta model) like you cheated on your diet, you guys would still be together.
It took me a second to understand what the f*ck she meant, but I get it. Vin never cheats on his miserable and insane keto diet, but did cheat on his miserable and insane gf. Way harsh, Jenni.
Vin: I loved Jenni in The Mask, it was amazing.
Jenni: My face will go down in a day or two, but your ego and cheating ways will stay forever.
I mean. These statements are all true. But good to know that Jenni’s face is freshly shot up, maybe she’ll even make an expression by next week?
So Vinny and Pauly are both single but Ronnie isn’t, which means nothing to Ronnie, so basically they’re all single. Pauly is besties with everyone because they’re going to Drais, where he is the resident DJ. Pauly is so happy the “Smash Squad” is back. Didn’t they used to call it smushing?
Jenni is asleep in the club in the corner and she’s all giant scary lips. The guys say she looks like a mannequin and they are not wrong. Jenni, who are you? I don’t know this woman.
Ronnie is sitting in the corner. Like, you guys can still be fun even if you’re not cheating? Why are these the only options?
Jenni took Snooki with her in the cab. She is such a bore, I can’t take it.
Snooki: Did Bill Cosby drug you?
This. This is why we keep Snooki around. But also, too soon?
Back at the club, Vinny is educating us that all Canadian women are DTF because they’re basically men. Oooookay. Mike and his puffy orange face and indoor sunglasses pouts against the wall. Pauly and Vinny bring the slutty Canadians back and immediately put them in their beds. Like, fully dressed and with shoes on. What is this. Now there is a montage of Canada. Which is mostly hockey. I mean, this is definitely what I think all of Canada is, so fair. Pauly and Vinny send the girls away once they’re done with him. Just like old times!
Boring J-Woww wakes up at 8:30am, and all I want to know is how anyone can sleep in this severe bun. Does your head not hurt? She calls Roger to continue b*tching about Mother’s Day. Let it go, woman. This is like her entire personality, this Mother’s Day video. Everyone but Vin goes to breakfast. Mike orders chicken and waffles and french fries.
Mike: I do the keto diet with one cheat day. One cheat day, 3-5 times a week.
Weird, me too.
Ron calls Jen and apparently her flight was changed so she wants to come visit Ron. He’s like, f*ck no. And he basically explains that she’s really pure evil and he doesn’t want her around. Seems like this is going well.
They all go to a pool party and Pauly DJs. Mike is jealous he’s not getting enough attention, so he puts on this totally revolting giant panda head and dances around. So I guess Jen won, because Ron is spending the whole day moping that she’s coming out with them. Ron starts getting 400 texts from Jen yelling at him. Like, Ron, what did you do now? You haven’t even been here for 24 hours. Ron goes to the bathroom and gets in a little fight with some guy. Then security has to intervene. Like, can’t you just pee without causing a problem? He’s even doing aggressive clapping at the guy, which I didn’t know was still a thing. They are all forced to leave the party. Ron, you have a child, get your sh*t together!
Jenni: So since Jen is visiting, she likes tequila right?
Ron: I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m over it.
Jenni’s shocked face:
He’s literally throwing a tantrum that Jen is coming out with them. Like wtf? Just break up, you psycho. Being single is way more fun. Now Ronnie is crying because he doesn’t want to hang out with Jen. I’m exhausted from their relationship.
Mike: Relationships are tough, life is tough, it doesn’t get easier.
Mike, when you cheat on people and commit crimes that will send you to prison, you’re right. You’re not really the person to ask for advice here.
Ron is calling Jen repeatedly and muttering, “Where’s my daughter?” and crying. Unclear what’s going on here.
Ronnie admits to the group that Jen is basically holding the baby hostage from him based on his behavior. I mean, if you behave like a drunken psycho, I wouldn’t want you around my kid either. And my kid is a dog.
Jenni: Uh if you’re so scared of her taking your kid from you, why are you posting crazy sh*t all over Instagram and baiting her?
Seriously. She then tells Ron to leave Jen and get court-ordered custody so Jen can’t withhold the baby when she feels like it. He freaks the f*ck out and says it’s too hard. Like, he hates Jen anyway, what’s the problem here? Ron continues to play the victim and Jenni is like, “this is your fault for getting a crazy woman pregnant.” SERIOUSLY. Use protection, you idiot.
Oh I guess that’s it for this week. Let’s hope Single Ronnie comes out next week. And by Single Ronnie I mean Probably Still In A Relationship But Gives No F*cks Ronnie.
Images: Giphy (8)
