Trump’s New Immigration Wealth Test Is Deeply Un-American

Another day, another incredibly racist policy put forth by the Trump administration.

Yesterday, it was announced that starting in October, legal immigrants to the United States will basically be given a wealth test determining if they can stay in the country. Tests are already awful and stressful, but this one feels particularly so.

Poor immigrants who are seeking permanent legal status aka a green card will be denied if they’re seen as more likely to use public government assistance. That includes food stamps, Medicaid, and subsidized housing to name a few. Also, for what it’s worth, being on those things doesn’t necessarily make you poor. School teachers often are eligible to be on food stamps over the summer when they’re not receiving monthly paychecks. But even more importantly, being poor doesn’t make you not worthy of seeking a new life for yourself.

We need to get Cher Horowitz in here STAT to remind this administration that the statue of liberty says “Give me your tired, your poor.” Maybe they’ll listen to her because she’s blonde like all of their favorite Fox News zombies.

So what does this cruel test entail? Here’s a basic cheat sheet. If you’re on private insurance and/or have an annual income 250% greater than the general poverty line and/or can prove you won’t use public benefits in the future, you might be able to pass. But also, it might just be on the whim on immigration officials, so I guess like pray that they woke up in a non-racist mood?

Kenneth Cuccinelli, the acting director of the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services, said that this new policy will ensure that new immigrants to the US are self-sufficient and won’t be a “drain on society.” When NPR Morning Edition host pointed out that the Statue of Liberty welcomes the “poor,” Cuccinelli proposed a rewording: “Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet, and who will not become a public charge,” said. He really said that.

One can’t help but notice his Italian sounding last name, Cuccinelli, and wonder the financial standing of his ancestors when they made their way to the US. But we all know that this isn’t an attack on Italians or immigrants from other European nations.

This is, of course, a blatant assault on brown and black immigrants who are often coming from country’s less financially stable than the United States. Trump has made it incredibly clear what he thinks of those places.

Critics of the policy are saying it could dissuade immigrants who are legally in this country from seeking medical or housing benefits out of fear it’ll affect their assessment. That of course, only puts them in more dire situations instead of giving them the potential to improve their financial standing.

All in all, it’s a un-American assessment that is targeting law-abiding immigrants for not being able to afford the tacky luxury items Ivanka adorns herself with. It’s a shameful day for our country, lining up behind all the other shameful days this administration has put us through.

21 Savage Got Arrested By ICE, Who Claim He Is Secretly British

If you pay any attention to hip-hop music, you’ll know that 21 Savage has become one of the biggest names in the rap game over the past couple years. His last album spent two weeks at the top of the Billboard charts, and he’s had massive collaborations with artists like Offset, Post Malone, Cardi B, Future, I could go on. Basically he’s been unstoppable, and has risen up as the latest huge rap star from the Atlanta scene, but now he’s facing a major problem: he’s been arrested by ICE, and they’re alleging that the Atlanta native we know him as is actually a British national who has overstayed his visa to be in the US.

Black Mirror is so sick this season!

I’m sorry…what? 21 Savage is British? Pardon me while everything I know about the world comes crashing down around me. We’ve never had a ton of details about Savage’s childhood, but he’s always strongly implied that he grew up in Atlanta. For instance, when he was in seventh grade, he was banned from the DeKalb County School District for gun possession. Since becoming famous, Savage has undertaken philanthropic efforts to help out kids in Atlanta, and his hometown has been a major part of his identity. And if you need any further evidence, just listen to a single interview or song of his. 21 Savage’s commitment to his Atlanta accent is stronger than most marriages. I took 21 Savage being from Atlanta for granted like I took the sky being blue. But this is 2019, and nothing is what it seems.

On Sunday, Savage was taken into custody Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE just keeps f*cking up), and they dropped some info that is truly mind-blowing. According to the feds, 21 Savage, aka Shayaa Bin Abraham-Joseph, was born in the UK, and moved to the US in 2005, when he was 14 years old. He originally came legally, but his visa expired after a year. He might have been fine, except that he was convicted in 2014 on felony drug charges. Now, ICE is targeting Savage, and beginning “removal proceedings before the federal immigration courts.”

So what does this mean? First of all, it tells us that 21 Savage is a master of accents, because seriously, I never would have called this. I really think he needs to get his own adaptation of The Parent Trap ASAP, because Lindsay Lohan’s got nothing on him. But seriously, I can’t wait for the documentary about 21 Savage’s life to come out in 5 or so years.

21 Savage played multiple shows in Canada last year while on tour with Post Malone. When you leave and re-enter the United States, you must have a passport — which ICE is saying wouldn’t be possible since he was on a visa that expired 13 years ago. WHAT?

— DJBooth (@DJBooth) February 3, 2019

More importantly, it means that Savage could be deported back to the UK if ICE gets their way. But I’m still trying to process 21 Savage not being American?? If he is in fact British and wants to come back to the US, his best option would be to apply for an EB-1 visa, also known as an “Extraordinary Ability” visa. For most major artists and public figures not from the US, this is the way that they can seemingly stay in the country for however long they want. What’s unclear is the likeliness of 21 Savage getting approved for an EB-1 with his criminal record. @ President Trump, this is one thing that I really need you not to ruin. We need 21 Savage to stay here in the US so he can continue to make more bops… at least until Bobby Shmurda gets out of prison in 2020.

Images: Shutterstock; XXL/ Youtube

20 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back: A Recap Of Trump’s Oval Office Address

Last night, our president graced us with an update on his toddler temper tantrum the goverment shutdown over the stupid f*cking wall he promised his supporters during his campaign. It was an overall pretty uneventful speech where Trump seemed to be genuinely reading the teleprompter and not spewing out the first thoughts that enter his narcissistic nightmare of a head.

Scripted Trump almost convinced me that he could act like a president, until I remembered this man wants to spend $5.7 billion on a wall he said Mexico would pay for.

In case you missed it in all of its confused glory, here’s the full speech:

Here are some takeaways for those of you who were smart enough not to watch whatever the f that was.

1. Trump said the wall will be steel instead of concrete.

Apparently Democrats don’t “like concrete” so this was a gift to them. I was under the impression, though, that the main problem the Democrats had with the wall was, uh, the wall. Not sure if the materials are a big issue here.

2. He alluded to the Obama’s house as evidence that walls are an effective form of protection.

President and Mrs. Obama built/has a ten foot Wall around their D.C. mansion/compound. I agree, totally necessary for their safety and security. The U.S. needs the same thing, slightly larger version!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 30, 2018

Trump noted that many powerful politicians have walls around their homes not because they “hate the people outside” but because they “love the people inside.” Trump has previously claimed that the Obama’s have a ten foot wall around their house but that has been identified instead as just some small barriers and fencing. This probably would’ve been a more effective example if Trump had chosen any of Taylor Swift’s houses, which all have massive walls to protect her from crazy and dangerous stalkers. I’m sure if Taylor had an influx of women and children seeking asylum in her home, she’d have to reevaluate.

3. He used “fear over facts” as a way to fuel xenophobia.

After the speech, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Chuck Schumer weighed in on what was said and accused the president of using “fear over facts.” Trump cited many examples of American citizens who were the victims of horrific crimes caused by illegal immigrants. What he didn’t take into account, though, is that the crime rate among American citizens is much higher than the crime rate among illegal immigrants. Doesn’t cherry-picking examples of a few terrible people to make a case against thousands of good ones sound like the argument that Republicans hate about gun control? Nobody wants criminals in our country.

4. The wall will cost $5.7 billion, but it’ll quickly “pay for itself” through a new Mexico trade deal.

Mexico is paying (indirectly) for the Wall through the new USMCA, the replacement for NAFTA! Far more money coming to the U.S. Because of the tremendous dangers at the Border, including large scale criminal and drug inflow, the United States Military will build the Wall!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 19, 2018

Welles Orr, who worked on the original NAFTA agreement as the Assistant U.S. Trade Representative for Congressional Affairs under George H.W. Bush, told TIME that, “Trade agreements are designed to reduce regulatory hurdles. Most of our tariffs are zero, or very, very low.” Even if the new agreement did add tariffs, the money wouldn’t be put directly toward a wall or any other particular project. Instead, it would be put into the United States Treasury fund.

5. The wall will stop drug trafficking?

Trump said, “Every week 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90% of which floods across from our southern border. More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War.” This is, unfortunately, very true. Our country is experiencing an opioid epidemic and 90% of heroin comes from Mexico. However, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency’s (DEA) 2018 National Drug Threat Assessment, the vast majority of heroin enters the country through legal ports of entry and not the empty spaces in the border that the wall would “block.”

Honestly, what’s the point of having a reality television star as president if he just won’t pay for his own ideas? Build the wall, have Trump pay for it.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


The White House Is Using A Woman’s Murder To Justify Family Separation

On Tuesday, police reportedly found 20-year-old Mollie Tibbetts’ body after a month-long search. The story of her murder is heartbreaking and awful. And naturally, because it appears that the man who killed Mollie Tibbetts is an illegal immigrant, the White House is exploiting the sh*t out of it.

Authorities finally got a break in the case when a man named Chrishian Bahena Rivera led police to a body believed to be that of the University of Iowa student, who disappeared while out on a evening jog. Rivera has since been charged with her murder. Authorities stated that he was living in this country illegally (though he was reportedly employed under a false name at a dairy farm owned by a prominent Iowa Republican family).

So when the Trump administration heard the news that Tibbett’s body had been found, did they express their heartfelt condolences? Did they allow the Tibbett’s family to mourn in peace? Of course they f*cking didn’t. They practically threw a parade. And the theme of this parade wasn’t “Thanksgiving With Big Balloons” or “Let Us Praise Our Glorious Orange Leader.” It was “All Illegal Immigrants Are Coming To Murder You.”

Trump immediately brought up Tibbetts at his West Virginia rally and used her death to plug voting Republican, saying, “Should’ve never happened. Illegally in our country… the immigration laws are such a disgrace. We’re getting it changed, but we have to get more Republicans.” (Then he started rambling about gestating a turkey because IDK.) And the White House’s official Twitter account wasted no time in tweeting out a super-emotional, super-manipulative video featuring the families of people who were killed by illegal immigrants.

For 34 days, investigators searched for 20-year-old Mollie Tibbetts. Yesterday, an illegal alien, now charged with first-degree murder, led police to the cornfield where her body was found.

The Tibbetts family has been permanently separated. They are not alone.

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) August 22, 2018

Make sure to clock the “permanently separated” language that seems to imply that the government separating children from their families at the border is no biggie. Cool cool cool cool cool (*keeps saying cool until I pass out*).

Okay, so let’s get some things straight. Yes, it seems that Rivera murdered Tibbetts. But if true, that simply means he’s a bad man who did horrible things to a woman, the same way that many U.S. citizens do horrible things to women every freaking day. (Honestly it’s just like sooooo fun to be a woman, am I right ladies???) His immigration status doesn’t have anything to do with it. In fact, statistical studies show that illegal immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than native-born citizens. But does the Trump administration care about facts? Nope! BUILD THAT WALL!

And what makes this whole sad, bad thing even sadder and badder is that, by every indication, Tibbetts wouldn’t have wanted her death to be used in this way. According to her old tweets, she hated what Trump was doing, and was a wonderful, bad-ass ally.

FACT: Mollie Tibbetts would have *hated* that people are using her death to push for Trump’s stupid wall. She was an ally, a feminist, and a really good human being.

Don’t let anyone turn her memory into anything different.

— Annie (@Ann_ieH) August 21, 2018

Let’s honor Tibbetts in the way she would’ve wanted, instead of using her death to push a hateful agenda.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


Watch Kirstjen Nielsen Get Booed Out Of A Mexican Restaurant

On this week’s episode of Game of Thrones White Houses, the Secretary of Homeland Security got the Cersei Lannister treatment and was booed while trying to enjoy her marg. Her and some colleagues thought after a tough week of immigration policy what’s better than enjoying the cuisine of those you don’t want to stay in America! Not pretentious at all. She pretended like nothing was happening and ignored the protestors who went on for more than 10 minutes. Meanwhile expecting a largely hispanic waitstaff to make her some guac and not thinking about the fact that some of them may know people effected by the policy she is carrying out. Besides her being part of the Trump Administration, the reason for her being booed was because she stood in favor of the separation of families at the boarder. How a woman stood for this I will never understand.

Who TF Is Kristjen Nielson?

Kris “with a J” Nielson has been around since Bush Dub’s administration. Nielsen is was the Principal Deputy White House Chief of Staff to President Donald Trump and before that the chief of staff to John F. Kelly during his term as Secretary of Homeland Security. The on December 5, 2017, the v republican Senate confirmed her as the Secretary of Homeland Security, and was sworn in the next day. The reason you are just hearing about who TF she is, has to do with the the zero tolerance immigration policy… and some of these tweets. Trump must be hosting weekly twitter workshops, most likely called “The Art of the Tweet.”

I will work tirelessly until our broken immigration system is fixed, our borders are secure and families can stay together.

— Sec. Kirstjen Nielsen (@SecNielsen) June 20, 2018

Okay So Show Me The Video

Okay okay, we’ll show you the goods. TBH I can’t wait for technology to get to a place where you can get a full body tattoo of a video, because as soon as that happens I’ll be getting this permanently inked onto my back:

Part one of a video of @mdc_dsa @DC_IWW and others shouting DHS Secretary Nielsen out of a restaurant. She doesn’t need to be kidnapping #immigrantchildren to deserve this treatment. Don’t give the regime a moment of rest. #KeepFamilesTogether

— Smash Racism DC (@SmashRacismDC) June 20, 2018

If you want to know who to thank for this precious gift of a protest, it’s the Metro DC branch of the DSA – aka the Democratic Socialists of America, and the DC branch of the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW). Leftists truly have no chill, and I mean that in the absolute best way possible.

WTF Is Happening With Family Separation Now?

On Wednesday, Trump signed yet another executive order, which kept the zero tolerance policies in place but directs families to be jailed together, rather than separately. Yay?

You can read our full breakdown of the executive order and what it means here.

Find out how to help migrant children and their families here.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

A No Bullshit Explanation Of Trump’s Executive Order On Family Separation

If I was forced to say one nice thing about President Trump it’s that he is incredibly talented at gaslighting an entire nation. Put in on your resume, Donny! But honey, don’t piss on my leg and call it rain. To catch you up to speed, over the past few months migrants have fled to our country, as they’ve since the beginning of time. They’re doing this to escape their own homelands for numerous reasons, including gang terror, governmental terror, other reasons big enough to risk the safety of one’s family. Like to make it very clear, people don’t hop the border where there are armed guards because they’re bored. They have legit reasons. Anyways, once they got into the country, families were split up from their children for *checks notes* literally no reason.

Since news broke of the low-level Nazi shit that was going on at our border, Americans used their national past time, outrage, for good and were like this truly will not fly. The Trump admin eventually listened, sort of. Yesterday (after a full week of blaming Democrats and saying “only Congress” could solve the problem) Trump signed an executive order that put a stop to tearing apart families.  If you’re like “hooray, that’s good news!” slow your roll a bit because the rides about to get bumpy.

So What Does The Executive Order Do?

The executive order will stop separating children from their families, but it’s not like he is reuniting them with a big dinner at Olive Garden. He’s just putting them in one big family friendly detention center while the parents are prosecuted. (So kids are with their parents, but still in cages, just to be clear.)

The EO, which is called the “Affording Congress an Opportunity to Address Family Separation” because Trump literally can’t resist a good subtweet, directs Congress to find a solution to our country’s immigration problems ASAP. If they don’t, we’ll run into even more problems because keeping children in jail for more than 20 days violates the 1997 ruling in Flores v. Reno. Basically, that ruling says kids can’t be kept in detention facilities for too long, but because the Trump Administration has a policy of 100% prosecution of anyone who enters the country illegally, this means that they have to figure out how to both comply with the ruling, and keep putting all adult illegal immigrants in jail. We call this, #TrumpProbs.

What About The Kids Who Were Already Separated?

Okay, so the real true horror is that there is already 2,000 kids separated from their parents and there is no system in order to reunite them. The detained children have been sent all over the damn country so it’s not like there’s one place the parents can go to play marco polo and find their baby. Because the forced separation was so quick, there was very little paperwork done to even know whose kid is who. Technically a crazed psychopath can walk into one of these centers and be like “that baby there is my baby!” and point at a random baby. And guess what, babies can’t fucking talk so there isn’t like anyone who is going to doubt the crazed psychopath.

For those kids who are thankfully reunited with their families, the damage is already sort of done. Like the trauma of being kept in cages without their parents leaves an emotional scar. It wasn’t a bad nightmare they can simply be comforted by. In the words of JoJo, Trump’s executive order was “just a little too late.” It also simply does not address these children at all. It’s almost like, and this is me going out on a sturdy and true limb, this administration doesn’t care about these children at all.

Click here to read up on all the ways you can help support migrant families.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


5 BS Ways The White House Is Defending Separating Children At The Border

Move over Kellyanne, there’s a new psychotic blonde taking over press meetings and raising the bar on how terrible this administration can be. Kirstjen (not a typo) Nielsen, the Secretary of Homeland Security, answered questions last night regarding migrant families being ripped apart at the border and we needed to call a doctor immediately because wherever that woman’s heart should is a block of cold ice instead. So what did we learn from this medical anomaly’s press conference about Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy?

It’s All Democrats’ Fault

As is the case with everything in the Trump administration: if you love it, thank Trump, if you hate it, the Democrats are being stubborn! Let’s be very clear, Trump could end this policy on his own at any moment he chooses. He just gets off on pitting Congress against one another and has never learned what personal responsibility is in his 72 terrible years on Earth. Also, casual reminder that Republicans are literally in charge of every branch of government, and can pass any laws they want.

She Has No Idea What Cages Are

Unlike, salads, which have a very loose definition (a garden salad is a distant distant cousin from a chicken salad, say) cages are pretty cut and clear what they are. But Kristjen can’t say for sure if migrant children are being kept in them (they are) or if there are even any photos of children in said cages (there are.) This is a job for Merriam Webster’s social media manager, STAT!

She Doesn’t Know Where The Girls Are

One savvy reporter noticed that all of the images being released of children were of young boys and wanted to know where the girls being ripped from their families were. Kristjen couldn’t give him a straight answer and was like “blah blah blah I don’t know where they are but they are safe” and it’s like, this isn’t a final exam you can try and skate through, honey. You’re a monster and you’re failing the test.

This Is Obama’s Fault

Besides blaming Congress, Trump’s spokespeople must get like a raise every time they say this is Obama’s fault. Kristjen tried to say that this horrific human rights violation was in place during the previous administration, which is a lie. While Obama had strict immigration laws, as did Bush, neither separated children from their families.

She Really Has No Heart

Homegirl started off her talk by saying it was a pleasure to be there. Anyone who has felt “pleasure” in the last 48 hours regarding this situation can go bite an ice cube and get a permanent brain freeze. Also wtf kind of name is “Kristjen”?? I’m sorry but if you’re going to be policing people’s American-ness and accusing immigrants of not assimilating, you can’t be spelling Kirsten with a damn J. You just can’t.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Everything You Need To Know About DACA, Explained

Undoubtedly, by now you’ve already heard the term DACA, and are probably wondering WTF is up with this trendy new acronym. No, it’s not slang for daiquiri, or short for Dirrty As Christina Aguilera (I wish). It’s a lot more important than that and is a big deal for the future of young immigrants in America. Let’s get educated.


DACA stands for the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, and is an Obama-era program that protects undocumented childhood immigrants from deportation. Basically, if your parents dragged your unaware toddler self into the US illegally, but you are now living here peacefully as an educated or hardworking member of society, DACA makes sure that the government can’t rip your opportunities away and send you packing from whence you came.

Many recipients of DACA – nicknamed “Dreamers” – were brought over at such a young age that America is the only home they have ever known. Imagine getting every piece of clothing you own from Zara and then the government digs up your old Myspace, revealing your undocumented emo phase and sends you straight back to Hot Topic, where you are destined to choose from studded chunky belts and mesh fingerless gloves for the rest of your life. Ok, maybe not exactly the same, but like, tomato tomahto.

Why Are We Talking About It Now?

The Trump administration had been working on ending DACA since they heard Obama’s name attached and descended upon it like the Hocus Pocus witches trying to suck out the souls out of these poor undocumented immigrant children. Trump blames DACA for allowing undocumented workers to take our jobs and ruin the system for the honest hard-working Americblah blah blah are we done yet? You’re racist, you hate immigrants, we know the drill.

However, someone just squashed Trump’s roll and his name is Federal Judge William Alsup of San Fran. Alsup blocked the Trump administration’s plans to phase out the protections provided by DACA, ensuring that Dreamers wouldn’t be threatened by deportation as talks on WTF to do about DACA continue. Not deporting a bunch of young adults and kids while some old white men argue with each other really seems like the bare minimum here, but hey, small victories.

Trump Is A Hypocrite, Shocking

We all know Trump is the queen of saying something and then immediately denying it and saying the complete opposite. He’s more exhausting than I am when I win fights with my boyfriend using the exact same strategy. (I never said it wasn’t effective.) In a truly mind-boggling televised meeting on Tuesday, Trump basically went back on one of the cornerstones of his campaign and said he’d be cool with “taking the heat” for working out an immigration deal that keeps protection of Dreamers in place. Did you hit your head, Donny? Did you sing that song, hand-in-hand with all the little Dreamers in Whoville and your heart grew three sizes that day? I hate to say it, but that actually sounds a little…stable geniusy of you.

Ah wait, silly me, this is Trump we’re talking about, who will never settle for a compromise without some additional personal gain. (Omg that sounds like me too – do we have more in common than I thought?) Trump did claim he was down to work with the Democrats on a comprehensive immigration reform, as long as his border wall was part of the deal. The idea of some tighter border security might be something all sides are willing to figure out together, but Trump is definitely out of his mind if he thinks we’ll reach a deal where our own people pay for a useless, expensive wall that, if I remember correctly, “Mexico was supposed to pay for.” Stop trying to make the wall happen. It’s not going to happen.

Will this rare moment of clarity result in an actual immigration deal that makes both sides happy? Considering he basically ran on a platform of immigrants = bad / Trump = good, his supporters are likely to give him a lot of shit for this lapse into actual conversation and teamwork. Trump is already prepared for this possibility, saying during the meeting, “My whole life has been heat. I like heat, in a certain way.” Kinky. That also sounds an awful lot like another selfish, narcissistic, blonde but I just can’t put my finger on it…

Sooo…like…Maroney 2020? Sounds good to me. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!