I’m starting to think that some celebrities are just thirsty for quarantine press, whether it’s good or bad. I mean, they say all press is good press, so it tracks. Remember last week, when Tori Spelling got backlash for charging $95 to attend a “virtual meet & greet”? Well, one of the thirstiest women in the world just came along and made that look like child’s play. That’s right—it’s Blac Chyna!
It’s been a minute since we checked in on Blac Chyna, but she’s one of my favorite former-almost-Kardashians. For the past few years, she and Rob have still been battling in court over custody, child support, and a hundred other issues, but it looks like Chyna has a plan to make money for the time being: charging exorbitant prices for social interaction. On her Lashed Cosmetics website, in addition to false lashes and lipstick, she’s charging $250 to follow you back on Instagram, and a whopping $950 for a FaceTime call.
In case you just blacked out after reading that, let me reiterate: to FaceTime with Blac Chyna, it will cost you NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS. Sorry, just blacked out again, but I’m back. When I heard about Tori Spelling’s virtual selfie scheme, it seemed a little ridiculous. I mean, $95 is a lot of money. But the idea that anyone would pay TEN TIMES THAT, nearly $1,000, for a FaceTime call with Blac Chyna is completely unbelievable to me. Also, it would be nice if some or all of the money was being donated to a charitable cause, but the website says nothing about that.
If, for whatever reason, this opportunity is super appealing to you, but your bank account is running a little low at the moment, Chyna still has you covered. Instead of paying the $950 all at once, there’s a payment plan that lets you make four monthly payments of $237.50. Très affordable! Wow, who knew Blac Chyna was a charitable icon?! She’s doing even more to help the poor than Justin Bieber! Even without the context of a global pandemic, during which millions are struggling to make ends meet, this would be insane.
I truly can’t get over how absurd this whole thing seems. Like, if you want to spend money to meet one of your favorite celebrities, fine. Honestly, the whole Tori Spelling thing was probably blown out of proportion, and there are certain people I might shell out $95 to talk to. I might even spend more than that for a Cameo, especially if it was for a special occasion. But that’s $95. The fact that Blac Chyna thinks a FaceTime call with her is worth $950 blows my mind, and I desperately need to know if anyone is actually paying for this. If you’re spending nearly my monthly rent to FaceTime Blac Chyna, I’m begging you to slide into my DMs, because I have no less than one thousand questions about your life/finances, and a much more charitable cause for you to spend your money on (my aforementioned rent).
Images: Jamie Lamor Thompson / Shutterstock.com; blacchyna / Instagram
Now that we’ve all had time to process the news that Kim Kardashian is going to be a lawyer, it’s time to keep the focus on education going. This time, the news is about one of my favorite former members of the Kardashian circle, Blac Chyna. It was just a few short years ago that Rob’s relationship with Blac Chyna fell apart, and her future has been kind of uncertain since then. There have been lawsuits, a custody battle, and more FashionNova #spon than I can wrap my head around, but Blac Chyna is finally turning a corner. This week, she announced that she’s going to Harvard. Okay, like, kind of.
Earlier this week, Blac Chyna was accepted to a Business Analytics course at Harvard Business School, which basically means she’s the next Elle Woods. In reality, the class is a lot less legit than it sounds. It’s an online course, so Chyna will be able to take her tests from the comfort of her own home, in between sponcon photoshoots. The class lasts eight weeks, and it’s apparently a total workload of 40 hours which is…like nothing? TMZ is trying to say that it’s a “substantial time investment,” but I’m not buying it. 40 hours over two months is only five hours a week, which is honestly less time than I spend trying to think of excuses to call out of work.
According to the official course description, here’s what Blac Chyna can expect to learn through the grueling class:
-Recognize trends, detect outliers, and summarize data sets.
-Analyze relationships between variables. Develop and test hypotheses.
-Craft sound survey questions and draw conclusions from population samples.
-Implement regression analysis and other analytical techniques in Excel.
Blac Chyna when she’s asked to memorize Excel formulas:
I can’t wait to see Chyna put her survey-crafting skills to use with the new Insta Story quizzes! Basically, this class sounds like an extremely general intro to statistics, but really, “analyze relationships between variables” could mean pretty much anything. Blac Chyna told TMZ that “School is going to help take things up a couple of notches,” and I’m excited to see her make a chart of what those “couple of notches” look like.
After receiving the news about her (online) Harvard acceptance, Blac Chyna posted the following message to Instagram:
I totally get where Blac Chyna is coming from when she talks about the hate she’s received in the media over the past few years. Being in the public eye isn’t easy, and she’s been through a lot. But she lost me at “Looking Back at A lot of my actions, I’m reflecting and realizing that confusion is a serious thing.” Um…what? This sounds like an extremely word-salady way of not taking responsibility for your actions. I just…ugh.
Really though, my least favorite part of this notes app manifesto is the whole “Blac Chyna doesn’t define Angela White” bullsh*t. There’s nothing more annoying than when famous people act like their alter egos are separate humans. Girl, you ARE Blac Chyna. I’m all about the positive energy, but this is too damn much.
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the latest news in the Blac Chyna Angela White Cinematic Universe, things haven’t been all great lately. Even though she and Rob finally settled their custody issues, Chyna is still facing some other legal problems. Just last week, she was sued by her former landlord, who says that she left the house five months before the end of her lease, and just stopped paying rent. She allegedly owes almost $50,000 in rent and fees, but I’m glad she’s using that money for an online class about surveys instead.
While writing this, I’ve been reintroduced to the thotty wonderland that is Blac Chyna’s Instagram, and boy is it a treat. Basically, 80% of her posts are FashionNova ads that look like they were taken in a warehouse, then put through 47 filters. But really, the best part is the nonsensical captions.
Act as if it was, and it will be!!! Besides the fact that this statement is inherently false, I really love it when Insta-thots put motivational captions on their thirst traps. Like, sure talk about chasing dreams while you’re squatting in a blazer-dress, sure. Here’s another one of my recent favorites:
Much like Blac Chyna, I also wish common sense was more common. Deep!
Blac Chyna’s Harvard class starts at the end of May, so I’m sure we can look forward to her incorporating business analytics into her Instagram thirst traps in new and exciting ways. Like, maybe she’ll be analyzing a spreadsheet while she sits on a swing, or something like that. Think this, but more technical:
This is the content I live for. I’m also really hoping that after Kim passes the bar (fingers crossed) she and Blac Chyna get a show together where they just wander around an office not knowing what to do. It’s what we deserve.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy; @blacchyna / Instagram (4)
Yesterday was obviously St. Patrick’s Day, but it was also another important holiday: Rob Kardashian’s birthday. The long-lost Kardashian son has been out of the spotlight in the last couple of years, but he’s still a part of the family. Sunday was his 32nd birthday, and pretty much the entire family took to Instagram to send him birthday wishes. While it looks like he didn’t get an extravagant party à la Stormiworld, he wasn’t completely forgotten. Let’s take a look at who really stepped up for Rob’s birthday, and who could’ve put a little more effort into their #content.
I’ll start with the most surprising birthday post, and really, I was truly shocked when I saw it. It comes from none other than Blac Chyna, Rob Kardashian’s baby mama, ex-fiancée, revenge porn victim, and legal adversary. Wow, a lot has changed in the last three years. Chyna posted a simple story that was sandwiched between two Fashion Nova ads, which is honestly exactly where it belongs.
What does it all mean? Are Rob and Chyna on speaking terms again after all this time? Or is Blac Chyna just being nice as a technicality so she’ll look less petty in their child custody case? There’s literally nothing I would put past these two, so who really knows. Really, I’m just hopeful that this means baby Dream is having more of a normal childhood, because no kid deserves to have their parents battling each other in court.
Kim Kardashian has always been close with her brother Rob, and she posted one of the nicest birthday messages for him. It’s definitely an old photo, which is especially nice of Kim to show Rob in his prime, and the caption about him being a great dad is really sweet.
As it should be, Rob got the best birthday shoutout from his mom. Kris posted a bunch of adorable throwback pictures, and then one more recent one of her and Rob with Dream. Say what you want about Kris, but she really loves all her kids and grandkids. Even if Rob doesn’t really fit in with his family of mega-influencers, Kris loves him just the same.
Kourtney’s post might have been my favorite one. It’s an old video of Rob getting interviewed by his sister, in which he says that the one thing he wants people to know if he dies is that he’s a grower, not a shower. This is the kind of classic Kardashian sh*t I really live for. Rob used to be so cute and normal, and I miss him.
And to wrap things up, the award for Doing The Least goes to one Khloé Kardashian, because she barely did anything. She couldn’t even be bothered to find a photo of Rob, and instead mentioned him in the caption of a slideshow of pictures of True dressed up for St. Patrick’s Day. Really Khloé, you couldn’t have just tacked a photo of Rob onto the end? I feel like she literally forgot it was his birthday and then went back and edited the caption later.
Kendall and Kylie didn’t post on their feeds for Rob’s birthday, but they both posted Stories, and I’ll accept that. Not everyone needs to do a crazy birthday post, and those ladies have branded deals that are way more important than posting a throwback photo with their half-brother they probably haven’t seen in a year. Kylie’s Story even had a picture of a cake that said “Happy Birthday Rob”, so we can presume that they all actually saw Rob on his birthday and didn’t just put up a half-hearted post (like you do for all your college friends’ birthdays nowadays). Oh, and if anyone was wondering, Caitlyn Jenner didn’t post anything, because she’s not exactly on the best terms with the Kardashians. Maybe next year!
Images: @blacchyna, @kimkardashian, @krisjenner, @kourtneykardash, @khloekardashian / Instagram
Even though they have a reality show empire, they’ve monopolized the tabloids, they’ve taken over every social media feed, and they each have their own apps, there is still no way to stay on top of all the Kardashians’ theatrics. This family overshares to the point where they oversaturate the media and yet there’s still underlying drama that you probably haven’t picked up on. That just makes America’s real royal family all the more intriguing (suck it, Kennedys!). And where do we first go to get a glimpse of at least some of the hidden (teenage) dramz? Instagram, of course! Here’s some petty drama you may have missed but need to know in order to really say you Keep Up with the Kardashians.
Travis Scott
Literally no one in the Kardashian/Jenner family is following Travis Scott, except for Kylie and Kendall. Does that mean that even the Kardashians think Kylie’s relationship with a rapper who got her pregnant two months after dating won’t last? Shadyyyyy. Another juicy tidbit: Blac Chyna is following Travis but not Kylie—guess she’s still not over the fact that she dated Tyga.
Scott Disick
My thorough researching brought me to the findings that nearly the entire Kardashian family follows the Lord. On the one hand, that’s not that surprising considering Scott is the best person to come out of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. On the other hand, he was (and still is) a huge douche to one of their own, so you’d think there would be some Kardashian family loyalty here. There is not. The Kardashians’ estranged stepbrothers, Brandon and Brody, follow Scott. AND, all the Kar-Jenners follow Scott except for Kourtney and Khloé. But here’s the best part: Literally everyone in that family follows Scott, yet he follows none of them back. Is that supposed to be a power move of some sort? Sure looks like it. Kourtney is THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN, Scott. The least you could do is throw her a follow.
Caitlyn Jenner
All the Jenners follow Caitlyn, obvi. The sole Kardashian to follow Caitlyn is Kim, even though Kim has been vocal about her disappointment in Caitlyn and how she doesn’t see reconciliation in the near future. Then again, Kim is the most concerned with keeping up appearances, so perhaps following Caitlyn is strictly a PR move—or maybe she likes to hate-follow. Caitlyn, in turn, follows all the Kardashians and Jenners—except for Kris, of course. No surprises there.
Sofia Richie
Sofia follows Scott, and the closest Scott came to following her back was when he followed a Sofia Richie fan account that he thought belonged to her. He has since unfollowed and never ended up following HIS OWN GIRLFRIEND. Also, Sofia posts pics of them together all the time, but he really only ever posts pics of her onto his Instagram story. Sounds like a really healthy relationship. Interestingly enough, Kylie and Sofia follow each other. It’s pretty obvious that Kylie is the least family oriented out of all of them and is just doing her, so it’s not shocking that she’s following her sister’s ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. Wow, that was a doozy to type out. This family is so fucked.
Younes Benjima
Only. Kourtney. Follows. Younes. How pathetic. The only other person out of everyone here who followed Younes at one point? Sofia Richie. Yes, at one point, the underage rebounds were following each other. Let’s not forget that Kourtney rebounded from Scott with Justin Bieber, who is Sofia’s ex. So as a rebuttal, Scott rebounded with Sofia, and then Kourtney decided to date one of Sofia’s really good friends. Because of all this messiness, Sofia and Younes have since unfollowed each other. But it’s especially interesting that no one in the Kardashian family follows Younes, even though the couple celebrated their anniversary last week. The family (with the exception of Kim) even follow Tristan Thompson still, and he publicly cheated on pregnant Khloé multiple times! Clearly the Kardashians, just like all of us, know this relationship is BS. I guess they’re still holding out for a reunion between Scott and Kourtney. Come on, you know it’s going to happen eventually!
Jonathan Cheban
The entire Kar-Jenner Klan follows Jonathan, and of course he follows them all back because they’re literally the lifeblood of his career and the only connection that professional parasite has going for him. Interestingly, though, Jonathan follows Sofia Richie but not Scott. And actually, Sofia is the only Kardashian-adjacent significant other he is following—he’s not following Tristan or Younes. What does it all mean?? Is Jonathan keeping tabs on Sofia for Kourtney? That’s the theory I’ll be going with until further notice, and since Jonathan blocked Betches we have no way of confirming or denying this theory. Boom. Take that, “Food God”.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (3)
It’s legendary train wreck Rob Kardashian’s 30th birthday on March 17, and honestly I wasn’t even sure what to do about it. Is there anything to celebrate? Is there more to Rob’s existence than posting revenge porn and retweeting things about baseball? Unclear. So for Rob Kardashian’s birthday, I’m doing what seems most appropriate, and getting to the bottom of a vital question: where did it all go wrong for Rob Kardashian? Get yourself a glass of wine (or a mimosa if you’re reading this before noon), because it’s a fucking saga.
In the last year, Rob Kardashian has obviously been in the news for his dramatic breakup and subsequent feud with Blac Chyna. From the moment we first found out these two were dating, we knew there was about a 2% chance it would turn out well. We weren’t sure how serious they were back in the beginning of 2016, but before we knew it, they were engaged and expecting a kid. Getting pregnant and/or engaged within the first six months of dating is always a sign of stable times to come. Their living nightmare of a relationship played out on the nauseating show Rob & Chyna in the fall of 2016, but they had already broken up by the time the show finished airing.
In the year since, Rob and Chyna have spent most of their time spewing toxic waste at each other on social media, and hopefully also caring for their infant child. Maybe. Rob’s worst moment was last summer, when he posted Chyna’s nudes, along with her phone number and allegations that cheated on him, on Instagram and Twitter. (Wow, was that only last summer? It simultaneously feels like yesterday and six lifetimes ago.) Cheating is obviously not good, but revenge porn is just never okay. This was probably the moment when we knew that Rob had fully lost his mind, but things were going south for him years before he ever met Blac Chyna.
There was a time when Rob was probably the fittest member of the Kardashian family, but now that feels so long ago it might as well be a cave painting. Rob put on a lot of weight starting in 2013, and he became increasingly isolated at the time. He almost never appeared on KUWTK, and he literally skipped Kim and Kanye’s wedding. Did the Kardashians exile Rob because he got fat? Or did he get fat because they exiled him? He says that his disappearance was due to him not feeling good about himself, which I get, but also, like, damn. In 2015, Rob was hospitalized after being diagnosed with diabetes, which is a pretty sure sign you’re not in a good place.
So yeah, Rob wasn’t doing so great from 2013 onward, but what was his life like even before he got fat?
In 2012, Rob seemed like he really wanted his life to be on a positive track. His late father was famous for being a successful attorney, and he had plans to follow in his dad’s footsteps. Rob, a USC alum, tweeted in August that he would be enrolling in USC’s law school that fall, but he was sorely confused. USC responded to the news, saying that Rob hadn’t even applied to the school, and that he definitely wouldn’t be attending anytime soon. Rob’s law career could have been so promising, if only he had, like, applied or something?
Years before the law school debacle, we met Rob as a sweet 20-year-old. He was still in college on the first season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and we honestly loved how he would just roll his eyes at literally everything Kim did. Simpler times, truly. At the time, he was dating Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon, and they seemed perfect together. Rob was obviously head over heels for Adrienne, but he fucked it up just like everything else in his life. For a long time, there was no concrete answer to why they broke up in 2009, but we got the info years later.
Adrienne confirmed that Rob cheated on her, which is annoyingly predictable. She complained that people always give her shit for not sticking with Rob, even though he’s the one who fucked her over. Meanwhile, his sisters took to social media to defend him, subtweeting Adrienne with the rage of high schoolers who didn’t get invited to the cool prom afterparty. Kim, Khloé, we love you, but your cheating mess of a brother really didn’t need your help on this one.
So where did it all go wrong for Rob Kardashian? Basically, Rob has been a mess since at least 2009, and possibly earlier. He’s had almost a full decade to get help, but it really seems like he’s still just content to be a disaster. There’s no telling when he’ll stop making tragic life decisions, but hopefully he’s done posting revenge porn. Happy birthday Rob, we really hope 2018 is your year!
Images: Giphy (5)
When you think about it, Instagram has really evolved. It started as a platform for us to share pictures of our chevron nail art with the Nashville filter, and now it’s a lucrative way to exploit the shit out of your non-consenting baby. While most people just post tons of pictures of their kids to get more likes, celebrities have the unique opportunity to trick thousands of people into following an Instagram account for their kid, and thus, the world of celebrity baby Instagram accounts was born.
The concept of celebrity baby Instagram accounts is pretty dark when you think about it. First of all, half of them are verified accounts, even though the kid has no idea what Instagram even is. Secondly, a lot of celebrity parents write their posts in first person, which almost always ends up sounding super creepy. Granted, most celebrities don’t create separate accounts for their babies, probably because they’ve seen Black Mirror, or something. I mean, Snooki and JWoww rose to fame by peeing in bushes at a nightclub at the Jersey Shore, and even they have enough decency to not create official Instagram accounts for their children. Thankfully, there are still some people who love attention enough to create ridiculous celebrity baby Instagram accounts for our personal creeping purposes, and here they are. These celebrity baby Instagram accounts are very absurd, and you should follow immediately. But like, let the record state that I am aware that I probably shouldn’t judge. I can’t even keep a succulent alive, and am currently pretty stressed out by the simple task of managing my mom’s dog’s Instagram.
1. Gunner Pratt
Heidi and Spencer Pratt are on a transparent mission to “Make Speidi Famous Again,” and in addition to like, selling crystals and having a podcast, a publicity baby is a major cornerstone in their plan to become relevant again. It just makes sense for little Gunner to have his own account, even if the captions are the most boring shit I’ve read since Nicholas Sparks books were a thing.
2. Asahd Tuck Khaled
With 1.2 million followers, Asahd is the undisputed ruler of the baby celebrity Instagram game. But like, duh. His first words were probably “WE THE BEST.” (His first words were? First words will be? When do babies start talking? Although I have strong opinions on the best baby social media practices, I literally know nothing about children.) This kid is already an executive producer. He probably has his own team of interns handling his social media. Asahd even appeared on the cover of PAPER without the presence of a parent, which automatically makes him better than every other celebrity baby. Damn, I guess he really is the best.
3. Emerson Avery Tolbert
Emerson has been branded a “Paradise baby” by her parents, Bachelor in Paradise stars Jade and Tanner. Clever. Her Instagram bio says her account is a space for her parents to have a “virtual baby book,” but I’m going to call bullshit. What’s going to happen when Instagram isn’t a thing anymore? Put those pics on the cloud, or like, one of those digital picture frame things they sell at Bed, Bath and Beyond that nobody’s grandma can figure out. This account was definitely intended to someday be used for subscription box opening videos.
4. Baby Chanel Nicole
Chanel Nicole is the daughter of Ice-T and Coco Austin. Yep, in case you forgot (you probably did), Coco named her daughter Chanel, and they play up the whole “Coco Chanel” thing as frequently as possible. This is basically a continuation of Ice Loves Coco, but with more “mommy and me” outfit pictures and baby pedicures. Also, Chanel looks just like Ice-T, which is a trip every single time.
5. Dream Kardashian
Dream Kardashian has a verified Instagram account with almost a million followers. She doesn’t follow anyone, or have any posts (which is why I didn’t include any below), but she’s tagged in SO many photos. And she still has 948k followers, so brb while I just go evaluate all my life choices. Poor little Dream’s Instagram account used to have like, two photos or something, but was probably forced to be taken down by Kris Jenner until she can figure out how to effectively rebrand a grandkid named Dream (good luck with Stormi, btw). By the time Dream is old enough to appreciate the fact that her parents locked down a coveted first name Instagram handle, IG will have suffered the same fate as MySpace and she’ll be pissed that money didn’t just go straight to her trust fund.
6. Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr.
The daughter of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian has a following that pales in comparison to Dream Kardashian’s, but she’s a little bit younger and has a fucking Vogue cover under her belt, so she’s still basically untouchable. She has already perfected the art of naturally sinking “link in bio” into a caption, so the future is looking bright for this one.
7. Sophia Abraham
Okay, so, judging by the fact that she’s rocking braces and a matte lip, it appears that Sophia Abraham is no longer a baby. Who knew? I’m still going to throw her on this list, because this Teen Mom spawn’s Instagram is effing ridiculous. This kid has practically been having a temper tantrum for eight years straight, and probably has more Us Weekly exclusives under her belt than all of Bachelor Nation combined. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this kid goes. At the rate she’s going, I genuinely think she’s capable of resurrecting the Britney Spears/Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan train wreck era.
Now that Blac Chyna’s many feuds with the Kardashian family seem to have calmed down for the moment, she’s finally free to focus on her career. What career, you say? Oh yeah, the rap career she’s about to start, because what else would she be doing.
Chyna reportedly has a whole album in the works, but we’ve gotten our first preview of one of her songs, and it’s about what we expected. In the mercifully brief clip, all we really hear is Chyna saying the hook over and over again, and it’s a real treat.
POP THAT PUSSY LIKE A PISTOL.
Wow. Art. Wow. We knew Chyna was special, but wow. It’s hard to tell from such a short snippet, but maybe the song will be a candid reflection on how we view guns in this country, and how sex and violence are similarly portrayed in the media? Or, more likely, it’ll be an absolutely raunchy first attempt at music that will really not leave us wanting more.
It’s unclear if/when Chyna’s album is really coming, but at least she’ll have some help from people with actual rapping experience, as Tory Lanez, Yo Gotti, and Rae Sremmurd are all reportedly working on the project with her. No word on whether Tyga will be featured on any tracks, but we’re gonna guess that’s a hard no.
Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:
10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)
I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you, Areola Dusty Rose.
9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)
I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.
^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.
8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)
Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:
7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)
Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?
6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)
We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?
5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)
SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.
4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)
As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.
3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)
A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.
2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)
Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!
1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)
I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.
Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.
Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*
Me:
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