Action stations, betches. Sami and Aleen here. Welcome to our weekly season 4 Succession rankings, where we’ll be determining which member of our favorite family deserves the biggest FUCK OFF in each episode. We’ll be returning to form (IYKYK) using a proven method (addition and subtraction), which is at least as objectively sound as the math used to calculate the fluctuating value of Pierce. So with that, read below to see who we’re telling to fuck off in the premiere. If it is to be said, so it be, so it is.
GREG:
(-5) For the major faux pas of bringing Bridget Randomfuck to Logan’s birthday party, where she asked Logan for a selfie and wolfed canapes like a famished warthog.
(-2) For calling Bridget Randomfuck “just another tick on the chart.”
(-1) For being half of the Disgusting Brothers, a moniker that seems more accurate every time Greg opens his mouth.
(-2) Falling for Tom’s CCTV prank faster than Bridget Randomfuck runs to a Burberry outlet
(-2) Believing that he needs to “come clean” to Logan about hooking up in a bedroom really speaks to Greg’s overblown sense of self-importance.
(+1) “He says he finds me disgusting and despicable, but he kind of smiled” – if Logan smiles while insulting you, it’s actually a compliment.
(-1) For lying to Logan about Bridget Randomfuck being on drugs. He really meant it when he said “boo souls.”
(-1) “I think it’s best if you go do what you have to do, I don’t want to see what happens in Guantanamo.” Greg doesn’t even have the balls to see Bridget Randomfuck out of the party himself. No way this girl isn’t going straight to TikTok to make Greg the next West Elm Caleb.
(+1) Because Greg gets a plus 1 for being an honorary kid.
TOTAL: -12
SHIV:
(+1) For keeping her options warm in politics, because Kendall might go on a killing spree at 7/11 and Roman might get his dick stuck in an AI jerk machine. Baby’s first risk management!
(+2) Sometimes Shiv’s lack of vulnerability is frustrating, but when Tom called to warn her that he was spotted with Naomi, her barbs were warranted: “You don’t discuss something that’s already happening… you don’t say like, ‘hey Shiv, Naomi and I are at the Pierre and I’m inside her, would you mind if I ejaculate?’”
(+1) We learn that Shiv is communicating with Tom via calendar invite.
(-5) Minus 1 for every time Shiv insisted Tom going out with Naomi Pierce was “fine.”
(+1) A wisp of self-awareness when she realizes that the siblings are being perceived as fake fruit for display purposes only.
(-5) She can’t help but be Nan Pierce’s little windsor dog show bitch and reveal all her cards – and now she thinks she has to divorce Tom.
(-3) “Did he go to 9? What’s dad’s ceiling? Our ceiling is 12.” Shiv negotiates like Kevin McCarthy
(+1) For her Khaite lotus bag
(+1) Holding Tom’s hand during their divorce conversation is the most intimate she’s been throughout the whole series.
(0) For how many ideas she’s had in her fucking life.
TOTAL: -6
KENDALL:
(-1) “Substack meets Masterclass meets The Economist meets The New Yorker” is all very Adam Neumann. You have actual money Kendall, act like it.
(+2) Finally finding the motivation to start something of his own: “I’ve smoked horse, it’s really, really fucking nice… and I need something super fucking absorbing in my life and if it isnt gonna be this, please let me know.”
(+1) “Oh they wanna talk about talking?” – any acknowledgement of bullshit corporatespeak earns points with me.
(+1) For having someone on his team that’s savvy enough to send him the tip that “Bun Pierce has been tagged in someone’s insta at dad’s” … who is Bun Pierce? I’m oddly curious.
(+1) “Putting aside the internecine family drama and personal title tattle, just think about how fucking funny it would be if we screw dad over his decades-long obsession.”
(-3) “I wonder if we don’t nickel and dime it and we don’t just go to 10?” – the “nickel and dime” here refers to half a billion dollars, which is like a quarter of Kendall’s Waystar shares and should tell you everything about why Logan won’t let Kendall be successor.
TOTAL: -1
CONNOR:
(+1) Holding strong at 1%, any lower and he would become a laughingstock.
(-1) Willa realizing Connor might not be that rich if he had to spend another $100 million.
(-2) For suggesting bum fights at their wedding would save money on paid media.
TOTAL: 0
LOGAN:
(+1) “Why is everyone so fucking happy?” Good question.
(-2) The birthday party was kinda sad. No cardinal and no presidential candidate Jeryd Mencken in sight.
(-1) Marcia is also too busy shopping in Milan (forever) to attend.
(-1) Additional minus 1 to represent the $1 million she will spend shopping. Or, according to Kendall math, just $0.01.
(+1) Logan’s not going to “sit like a cunt waiting for that old crone” (Nan) to call, so he goes to the diner with Colin.
(+2) His compliments to Colin are kinder than anything he’s ever said to anyone else, and it counts as 2 points because he said it twice.
(-1) That said, calling Colin his best pal just makes it even more sad that Logan has no one in his life who he doesn’t financially control. Maybe he should just leave everything to Colin like Ewan left it all to Greenpeace.
(+1) He could text his kids a request for a call.
(+1) For requiring the c-suite to bring jokes. “Frank, start, be funny.”
(-3) Like Greg said, “where’s all your kids Uncle Logan?” (minus 1 point per absent kid)
(+1) “I’m not being horrible, I’m being fun. Fucking Munsters.”
(+3) “Congratulations on saying the biggest number ya fucking morons” – Logan may have lost this verbal negotiation, but he knows nothing is done until the deal is financed, and the kids need their post-acquisition Waystar payouts to buy Pierce.
TOTAL: 1
TOM:
(+1) The kid from St. Paul has finally made it.
(+1) His transparent attempt to get Shiv back by teasing her with the Naomi Pierce “social” “not business” meeting.
(-1) For being half of the Disgusting Brothers.
(+3) The roast of Bridget Randomfuck’s capacious bag full of subway shoes and her lunch pail.
(+5) The CCTV prank on Greg that resulted in Logan inviting everyone to smell Greg’s finger.
(+1) For correctly getting a 10 feeling.
(-2) “I could see if I could make love to you” was not going to be it, Tommy.
(+1) Speaking of Tommy, he gets a point for earning a non-offensive nickname from Logan.
TOTAL: 9
ROMAN:
(+1) When the episode opens, Roman is the only one out of the three kids who’s actually engaged in working on their new media venture, The Hundred, while ideating with branding consultants. “I feel like we said iconic, and you guys are leaning ironic.”
(+1) For being the only one who wants to set up a business as a business and not fuck anyone.
(+1) To the potential investors: “Tell them they can stuff their petro dollars up their human rights record.”
(+1) About the Shivorce: “Yes, it’s a sad, sad day when love dies.”
(+1) For being the only Roy who knows what comes after 9.
(+2) He’s also the only sibling with a sense of bigger picture dynamics, like realizing that Telly won’t give them good advice, because he would rather get $35M in fees on a Pierce acquisition than $5M in fees on a seed round for The Hundred, and that he’s equally excited to collect fees. “Are you fucking jerking it to your yacht catalogue there, T?”
(+1) Roman’s Waystar Royco management training really came through: “That’s a pretty penny for a conversation ender, can’t I just jizz in her brake bumper?
(+1) Roman is the only one who questions if they’re overpaying, and if Pierce is worth it. T the Banker says that Pierce is worth what a buyer will pay: “I really wish I went to Harvard business school like you T, it is intimidating talking to an intellectual giant like yourself.”
(+1) And then there’s his grasp on budgeting: “10 billion rounds it out, yeah that number *is* extremely divisible… I mean you do know that half a billion dollars is 500 million dollars, a million is a thousand thousand? So you wanna pay 500 thousand thousand of actual money that we could be spending on fucking snowmobiles and sushi… Is it worth that?”
TOTAL: 10
HONORARY PLAYER: NAN PIERCE
(-2) For performing her hatred of money worse than she performs a migraine.
(+1) Inviting the siblings over to tell them they already have a preferred bidder, knowing she can get the price up by making them compete with Logan.
(-2) The woman who hates money never shuts up about it. “It seems like they shred hundred dollar notes for fertilizer.”
(+1) For her overall master manipulation of Shiv. Not that it’s hard.
(-3) Miss me with the “no money” bullshit while fully knowing she requires no less than $10B to take care of Jamie’s divorce and Anne’s disaster in Maine and this place… Nan is just Logan in a headband.
(-1) “May I offer you some bottles? They might as well be jars of jam to me but the connoisseurs seem to like them… I got a taste for hypermarche vin ordinaire when I was 19 and I have never been able to shake it” – Nan is lucky she’s too old for social media, because she’d be the main character on Twitter every day.
(+8) For appreciating 8, but wondering if there’s a little more upside (1 point per billion).
(+10) “I don’t like this. It makes me feel like I’m in the middle of a bidding war. Horrible. Different people saying different numbers. 8… 9…what’s next?”
TOTAL: 11
This week’s FUCK OFF goes to the founding member of the Disgusting Brothers, which just feels right. You know you’ve gone astray when Logan Roy is calling you despicable. It’s nearly as insulting as receiving a meager offer of $6 billion for one’s media empire. On that note, Nan Pierce would technically win this episode for her savvy in playing the Roys, but we’re only officially including the characters who are featured in the HBO posters in our weekly FUCK OFF game, making Roman the winner by default.
If you can’t get enough Succession convo from Betches, we are here for you. Check out our weekly bonus recaps on the @BETCHES Podcast, which will be out every Monday afternoon of season 4 and can be found on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Featured image courtesy of HBO.
