A couple of years ago, I was in a committed relationship with someone my friends did not like. They had reason not to, something I even realized at the time despite my lovestruck brain and post-orgasm hormones clouding my judgment. They didn’t appreciate how he had treated me and the version of myself I became to suit him. Like a Greek Chorus, they harmoniously urged me to “Dump him!” To their mixed horror and delight, I got dumped by him. Nevertheless, they poured into my apartment with wine and ice cream in true rom-com cliche — only without me ending up with a hunky Hugh Grant in the next scene.
To their [loud] dismay, the ex returned two months later to express that he had made a huge mistake and wanted to give things another go. He loved me, he wanted to be better, things would be different this time… you know the script. My friends begged me not to return to a relationship I had so narrowly escaped. They urged me to know better. I didn’t listen to them. I spent two more years with that ex until it finally ended, and I could shamefully admit that it should’ve ended months before, if not at that first breakup.
I waited for my Greek Chorus to come in with a well-deserved “We told you so!” but they never did (very demure, very mindful). Instead, they arrived equipped with those same weapons of heartbreak, and we made the whole sorry mess all over again. That was the last time, I swear.
In the months after, I wondered whether I should have listened to them the first time around. Should I have resisted getting back together on the basis of their clear disapproval? Should I have ended the relationship in the early stages when it was clear most of my friends didn’t like him? I want to know whether our friend’s strong opinions about a relationship should supersede our own if only to avoid a bitter “I told you so.”
Love was blind but not deaf.
Of all the train wrecks currently occurring on season 7 of Love is Blind, I can’t stop thinking about Hannah and Nick. With a deadpan expression and an unfeeling tone, Hannah ended her relationship with Nick. To the dumped, and to us, the viewers, she explained that her friends’ dislike of Nick had largely influenced this decision. This isn’t the first time she’s dumped Nick, as this occurred in the dating stages of the pods and was also spurred on by her girlies. Her fellow female contestants were not impressed by Nick, offering nicknames like “Mr. Suave” (derogatory). They were acting from a place of love, as they were convinced that he was gonna break Hannah’s heart, the baby of the group at only twenty-six years old. Hannah had followed their disapproval and ended the relationship before recognizing that she wasn’t done with Nick yet — and then fully got engaged.
This isn’t the only time we’ve seen a friend-initiated breakup on our screens. In one of the most beloved shows of all time, Friends, both viewers and the cast urged Chandler to break up with Janice and her grating, “Oh my God” exclamations. In another 90s classic, Sex and the City, Carrie was often urged by her friends to see reason when it came to Mr. Big, and I, for one, wish she’d fucking listened to them. A less-decisive example can be seen in Gossip Girl, where Blair frequently and unabashedly urges Serena to end her relationship with Dan due to his humbler roots and generally annoying demeanor.
Cassandra knew Troy would burn.
The first thing to recognize is that this most likely comes from a place of love on your friend’s part. No one in the history of girlhood has told a bestie to dump a guy because he’s perfect. If so, they are trying to steal your man, and they ain’t a girl’s girl — dump HER then!!
I have so much love for my besties, and I could literally murder anyone who hurts them. Yes, this line will one day be quoted in a court of law as a demonstration of violent tendencies. But, your honor, I cannot tell a lie; I would pull fists for my besties. When a person has hurt their pretty lil hearts, I see RED, like in that Disney film with the panda. I know they feel the same way, which is why they carry more rage toward my exes than I do. They’ve had to physically be pulled away in a bar to stop yelling “Rat!” at my ex and not risk violence — luv u, bestie <3
Your friends express their dislike of your partner in an attempt to protect you. Like Cassandra, they see that Troy will burn, only this time, Troy is your heart, and the Greeks are that 5ft 8 Finance Bro in a gilet — he claimed he was 6ft on Tinder. They are prophesying the doom to come and are desperate for you, a Trojan, to hear their wisdom. But cursed Cassandra wasn’t believed, and that can be the case for many a concerned pal.
But before we get to that, let’s stay on the reasons for a friend sharing their concern. They may feel like they have a perspective that you don’t, as their mind isn’t biased as a result of good sex/compliments/hopeful naivety in that way that yours may be. They feel like they can play both Judge and Jury in a way that you cannot, as you exist right in the middle of things.
They are examining the history of your sordid love life the same way we once studied the causes of the First World War in history (shoutout to Archduke Franz Ferdinand). They see the cause, they know the effect, and they want to stop history in its tracks. They tell you their concerns in the hope that you’ll agree with them, that you’ll listen to Cassandra’s woes, and ignore the false gift of the Trojan Horse (good name for a penis).
It is possible that your friend knows you better than anyone else, but do they know you better than yourself?
While your friend thinks they know exactly what is going to happen in this relationship, they don’t know. How you feel about a person is relevant.
Your friend may see someone with an unstable job, similar traits to your ex, or a shyness that makes them quieter in group settings. But they don’t see the nights when that person holds you and listens to your childhood traumas. They don’t see the way they text you to say when they’ll be unavailable for a bit, but they can’t stop thinking about you. They don’t know all those perfect little things, those puzzle pieces that make up a relationship, the biases that must be a part of your decision.
Your friend is biased too, they’re biased in their love for you. They are acting with the BEST of intentions, but at the end of the day, it’s got to be your choice.
Ultimately, you can’t dump someone for your friend.
I’m so sorry to all my concerned besties out there, but it’s true!!! You cannot dump a person because of what your friend thinks, and here’s why. You will always wonder. You will likely come to resent your friend for interfering and unconsciously place them as the one who killed the relationship, even though your hand held the knife in the end. You’ll see them as the Dumpee, and hate them as much as someone who was dumped.
You need to know for yourself. Sometimes, you need to get hurt for yourself. I often think back to what would have happened if I had followed my friends’ advice and saved myself another two years in that toxic situation. But I would’ve always wondered if things could’ve been different. I would’ve blamed my friends for their pessimism and felt controlled by them. I wouldn’t have the closure and certainty I carry now, which far outweighs a few bruises on my heart and the scars I’ve learned to live with.
You can’t dump someone because of what your friends think, BUT you can take it to heart. You can see their perspective and listen to their point of view so that you enter things a little wiser. Let them inform you, but never let them make a decision for you. They’re not prophetic Cassandra, but they can be the Muses whispering in your ear. Okay, that’s enough nerding about Greek mythology for today. But let me add that while a good bestie will share their honest opinions and try to protect you, a better bestie will respect any decision that follows. And the BEST ones will never, ever say, “I told you so,” that’s a promise.
