It took me a few episodes to work out how I felt about Jasmine on Love is Blind UK. I eventually came to realize that the things that bothered me about her were a reflection of my own insecurities, not her (yes, I’ve gone to a lot of therapy, lol). She turned out to be one of the most mature contestants the Love is Blind franchise may have ever seen, barring that weird badgering with Ollie. Girlie has got her shit together, and her personality is just as carefully done up as her gorgeous makeup. As you can probably tell, I have a weeny lil crush on our girl.
But in the latest batch of episodes, one moment stuck out for me with Jasmine, and it wasn’t even the terrifying Momager energy we witnessed (YIKES). It was when Jasmine very comfortably, very casually, told the camera, “I’m a really jealous person.” Just like that. She wasn’t embarrassed, she wasn’t looking to change that, she was owning it. I’ve had my fair share of experience with being the “Jealous Girlfriend,” and this was the first time I questioned whether it was something to be fixed or not.
Jasmine is the “Jealous Girl”
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Towards the end of episode six, our loved-up couples return to London to begin the next phase of the experiment: living together. Anyone who has survived a heterosexual relationship can attest that this is a true test of love and faith in humanity — one that I, and my best sheets, did not survive.
The couples finally get their phones back, which prompts Jasmine to discuss the subject of jealousy to her partner, Bobby. This boy is a total simp for her, and lets her tell him how she’s not a fan of phones, etc. Then in an aside to producers, Jasmine explains that she is “a really jealous person” in a nonchalant manner.
We’ve previously heard snippets of what happened with her ex, who had another woman pregnant while they were together, and in the next episode, she insinuates that she’s had other social media-related betrayals.
“I’ve had relationships before where, you know, the guy couldn’t be trusted on social media, and that made me feel really insecure,” Jasmine tells producers. “It has brought those feelings back. Social media has been such an insecurity for me, especially with my past experiences, following girls and liking pictures. I trust Bobby, but if he has any skeletons in the closet, Firecracker Jasmine’s gonna come out, and that’s it.”
Jasmine proceeds to confront Bobby about a music video he made a few years ago: “I’ve got to bring something up.” Now, the saddest part of this is that Bobby looks so pleased with himself for a split second, clearly proud of his little YouTube music video. Jasmine is displeased by how he is up against a hot bikini girlie in the video, and it is bringing up her jealous girl energy.
Can you be too jealous? (I am)
I hold a lot of regrets about being a Jealous Girlfriend in a previous relationship. Now, I treat my younger self with compassion, as she was struggling with serious mental health shit and basically mothering an adult male, but I also feel so embarrassed about it. I was the girl who thought everyone was trying to steal her man (LOL). I was the person who would check his phone, doubt his stories, and sow paranoia into the smallest of situations. And look, I won’t say that it came from nowhere, as I have confirmation of at least two situations of infidelity while we were together, but it wasn’t healthy for either of us. I’ve carried the shame of being a crazy Jealous Girlfriend for years, and it has deterred me from seeking serious relationships. I’m hesitant to inflict that persona on someone new, and I’m scared of becoming her again.
My point is that I always felt this jealous alter ego was something to be embarrassed about, a flaw in being a functioning adult. But Jasmine seems to have her shit together, I mean, she’s a mental health nurse, which is so slay, and she is settled in this identity of the Jealous Girl. It made me wonder if maybe it’s simply a trait to have, or is girlie just delulu and leading me astray?
Is jealousy a valid identity for Jasmine to have?
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While I may (unfortunately) be an expert in being a jealous girl, I’m not an expert on what it all means. So I spoke to someone who could shed some light on Jasmine and my behavior, and whether we’re really just fucked in the head. Luckily Eloise Skinner, a talented psychotherapist and author, put it in a lot nicer words than that.
“On a broad level, since jealousy is an emotion or emotional experience, it can cause complexities when adopting it as an identity, especially in relation to someone else,” Skinner explains to Betches (i.e. the ‘Jealous Girlfriend’ label). “For many of us, our emotional experiences — especially in the course of relationships — will be hugely varied and expansive, and adopting a certain position as our core identity might feel too limiting or restrictive, or might even encourage behaviors or perspectives we might not have adopted otherwise.”
So just like I’m not supposed to define myself as a Depressed Girlie, I shouldn’t define myself as a Jealous Girl either. It’s a trait to have, not a trait to be. But do I need to change it, or can I just be that me espresso?
“In terms of accepting it in yourself, as an aspect of your identity, this might be a helpful process to work towards, but I’d probably recommend that people go deeper into the reasons jealousy is triggered within a relationship,” Skinner continues. “Looking beyond the initial acceptance of the emotion, we might be able to identify triggers, causes, or behaviors that make our jealous feelings worse or more intense.”
These factors can tell us a lot about ourselves — what we value, what we’re afraid of (and where that fear might come from), and what we prioritize within our relationships. “Doing this kind of work can allow us to understand our own instincts on a deeper level, which can feel rewarding, even if we do make peace with experiences of jealousy we have,” she adds.
Make peace with it but also strive to be better. I get that, as let’s be real, being a Jealous Girlfriend sucks. It feels so shitty to be paranoid all the time. It feels awful not to trust someone who says they love you and won’t betray you. I’m sure being with a Jealous Girl is also a shit experience, but being one isn’t a piece of cake either. You just want to feel like you’re enough for someone, as soppy as that is.
Should Bobby be doing more to help Jasmine’s jealousy?
To what extent is your partner responsible for your jealousy? Okay, hold up before you come for me!! Obviously, people are ultimately responsible for themselves. My therapist always said I couldn’t control how I feel, but I could control how I act — she was the real GOAT of psychotherapy. But I can’t help but feel like I don’t have to be this jealous person. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, but I wonder if the right person wouldn’t leave me feeling like this. Are we just jealous people, or are we not getting what we need in a relationship to feel secure?
Bobby took Jasmine’s line of questioning well and seemed to step up to the plate. “I get that, and I think part of that is in my hands,” he said. “Just trying to make sure you are feeling secure, you are feeling confident, you are feeling reassured.”
“It’s up to me to kind of reassure you and make sure you feel comfortable, you know that,” Bobby said, as he won a million hearts across the globe.
But can he make Jasmine feel less jealous? Is a partner in anyway responsible for this? Is there someone out there who won’t turn me into a Hulk-level crazy girlfriend?
“I think working on your own emotional challenges should be seen primarily as your own journey, rather than your partner’s,” Skinner says. “Partly because the feelings and experiences will be deeply personal to you, and partly because it might be a much more fulfilling process if you’re able to take full autonomy and ownership over it! Although, of course, your partner should be able to support you as you begin to work on it.”
Disappointed but not surprised by this answer. It’s up to us Jealous Girls to deal with our shit, but we need the right partner to support us in this. For example, maybe instead of us calling us crazy, ask why we feel like that, and what we need to not feel this way. It’s not about changing your behaviors, but just opening communication lines, and always sharing your fries. One final question for Skinner in this low-key free therapy session: is there space in a relationship for jealousy?
“I’d say it depends on the individual couple and the dynamic between them. Fleeting moments of jealousy, or jealousy that is triggered but subsides on further self-analysis, is unlikely to destroy the trust and respect that is fundamental to a relationship.”
Next Wednesday, we’ll discover whether Bobby and Jasmine made it down the aisle, and said their vows. Things are looking positive for the couple, even though the internet doesn’t seem to believe it. If they do continue their relationship, they’ll need to take some time to undo the damage done by Jasmine’s previous relationships and work on their trust. She can’t remain a Jealous Girlfriend forever, even if she morphs into a Jealous Wife. It’s a two-person job, but not in the way zipping up a jumpsuit is, but rather in the way that catching a mouse is. One person has to bravely do the work, while the other one cheers them on from across the room on a chair.
