You may wanna check in on the Directioners in your life today, because this new Louis Tomlinson Diary of a CEO interview with Steven Bartlett is… a lot. In the nearly two-hour long podcast episode, the former One Direction singer doesn’t hold back, opening up about Zayn Malik leaving the band, the day the band broke up, Liam Payne’s tragic death, and the possibility of a 1D reunion. At certain points in the raw and emotional conversation, Louis seems to be holding back tears. (I definitely shed a few myself.)

The episode aired on October 8 and was shown in select theaters in America and in the U.K. If you want a preview (or you just can’t emotionally handle the whole episode), here are the major revelations from Louis Tomlinson’s The Diary of a CEO interview. Do yourself a favor and grab a box of tissues first.

Louis Tomlinson The Diary Of A CEO Interview Revelations: Liam Payne, One Direction’s Split

Louis Tomlinson On Liam Payne’s Death

Louis recalled Niall telling him the tragic news. “I think Niall said something like, ‘Have you seen the news?’ and I knew as soon as he said that,” Louis recalled. “I kinda knew what he might’ve meant.”

The singer reflected on being there for Liam as he went through a hard time before his death. “My 150 percent wasn’t nearly enough,” Louis shared. “It’s my own arrogance thinking that I could’ve helped, really. Because it was so much deeper than what I could’ve done for him. He was definitely struggling at that time in his life.” He described Liam’s death as “unjust” and “frustrating.”

“It was really, really, impossibly difficult for me to deal with losing Liam,” Louis added. He “naively” thought he might be prepared to handle grief because he’d already lost his mother, Johannah Deakin, to leukemia in 2016, and his younger sister Félicité Tomlinson, when she overdosed in 2019. “Super-naive,” Louis said. “It’s very different. I’ve never lost a friend before.”

Louis Tomlinson On Zayn Leaving One Direction

Louis revealed that he felt “absolutely crushed” when Zayn announced his departure from the band. “I was devastated,” he said on the podcast. “It felt like, ‘Oh, is this the beginning of the end of the band?’ But then also, I’m like, this is like my best mate in the band at the time. I’d lost a friend and someone in the band.”

He would like to know if Zayn “regrets” that decision. “His own personal success has been incredibly successful, and he’s done really really well like that, but he must miss it,” Louis said. “Like, he must.”

Zayn leaving the band is still a touchy topic all these years later. Louis calls it an “elephant in the room” of their relationship. “I’ve met up with him a couple of times recently, but it’s not often something we’ll discuss,” he shared. “But there’ll be a time for that for sure. I would like to have those conversations with them.”

Louis and Zayn recently announced a three-part Netflix series where they will “embark on a road trip across America in a spontaneous adventure of reconnection, exploration and a lot of laughter,” per a press release.

Louis Tomlinson On One Direction Split

Louis also opened up about the difficult moment the band decided to break up. He confirmed that only the band members were there for that meeting, but added, “It almost might as well have been [our] representatives.” He remembered feeling an “emptiness” in the room that day.

“I think there’s kind of moments where you have to be selfish,” he said. “It was an atmosphere that you never really felt in the band, because normally… it’s all this camaraderie. Then all of a sudden, you get someone thinking more independently and more for themselves, which, by the way, they have every right to do. But the room felt cold that day… I’ve never quite felt an energy like that in the room.”

At the time, Louis “naively” wanted “some kind of indication” as to how long the “hiatus” would be. He noted, “I never really got an answer that question — which I understand now, because truthfully, I don’t think the people or person involved was brave enough to answer that question. Deep down, I think they probably knew the reality, and that’s why it was tough.”

Louis Tomlinson On A One Direction Reunion

When asked about a possible One Direction reunion, Louis said, “Never say never,” but added, “I can’t ever imagine… I’m not sure it would be right to [after Liam’s death].”

He noted that there’s always the possibility of an “Oasis thing” in 25 years or so if “they offer us an arm and a leg and they’re like ‘Come back and do this number of shows.’” Louis pointed out: “The irony is, there’s no one who would have campaigned more for One Direction to come back than Liam.”