Welp, the Paris Olympics are officially underway, and thank goodness you have me, a top-rated, world-renowned sports expert, to tell you what the fuck has happened so far. Yeah, if we’re being candid, I’m about as non-sporty as they get. However, as someone who has little to no regard for men, it does give me great joy to see women dominating — icons like Simone Biles, Torri Huske, and Ilona Maher are super exciting to watch, even if you’re in the me category. I dare say I’m kind of actually getting into the Olympics this year.
If you aren’t quite as dedicated to the Olympics as I am in this new era, shame on you. JK, JK. But to help you out, here are the top five stories from the first weekend of the Paris Olympics.
Celine Dion And Lady Gaga Fucking Slayed
Fun fact: Their opening ceremony performances were actually my favorite events. Despite navigating a rare neurological disorder, stiff-person syndrome, that makes it much more difficult to sing, Celine gave an utterly dazzling performance of Édith Piaf’s “L’Hymne A l’Amour.” She looked like an angel in her white tasseled Dior gown, and let’s just say… many tears were shed.
The Olympics opening ceremony gods low-key cursed Lady Gaga, who had to deal with sound issues, a dancer falling, and then social media trolls who criticized the performance. Personally, I was in awe of her Cabaret-style rendition of the French circus song, “Mon True en Plume,” but a lot of people online made fun of her French accent. She is from Manhattan, people! Calm down.
Oh, and Gaga also casually announced that she’s engaged to her BF of five years, entrepreneur Michael Polanski. Happy for her!!
Simone Biles Made History As Usual
This woman. Simone managed to land the Yurchenko double pike and the Biles II vault — which marks the first time a woman has ever landed the vault at the Olympics. Not to mention, she made this history with an apparent calf injury. Limping and all, the legendary athlete leads the all-around standings with a score of 59.566. GOAT behavior.
Torri Huske Did A Fabulous Golden Butterfly
I love a comeback story. After missing out on a medal by 1/100th of a second in Tokyo, star USA swimmer Torri Huske got the Paris gold when she absolutely crushed the 100-meter butterfly race. Torri beat her teammate, Gretchen Walsh, by just .04 seconds!
Ilona Maher Is Officially The Queen Of Rugby
Ilona Maher is an icon, and not just because she basically shares my name. Google tells me she’s big on the stiff-arm tackle, and I love that for her. The Vermont native led Team USA to a 36-7 victory over Japan, and she also helped them beat Brazil 24-5. It’s no wonder 1.4 million fans, including moi, are following her on Insta now.
Tom Daley Won A Silver Medal In Front Of The Fam
Try not to cry: Our diving king is likely saying goodbye to the Olympics after winning silver for the British in the men’s synchronized 10-meter platform. After all, Tom was already retired, but his husband, Dustin Lance Black, convinced him to compete again (thank you for your service, Dustin). Dustin and their kiddos, Robbie and Phoenix, were in the audience cheering Tom on, and importantly, I was also cheering him on from my couch in New York City.
