What a strange and beautiful world we live in. Full of contradictions and Matrix-like abnormalities; tragedy and comedy, all at the same time. A world where two very different women ended up in the same prison at the same time for nearly identical crimes. I am of course talking about the Real Housewives of Federal Prison Camp Bryan, Jen Shah and Elizabeth Holmes. According to recent reports the two have “bonded” in prison, likely because of their celebrity status and infamously messy fraud empires. But what on earth could they even be talking about? (Besides how obvious Bill Gates wig install is.) Surprisingly, these two actually share a lot in common aside from a thirst for theft. Here’s what they’re likely gabbing over.
- How Heather got the black eye
- What their future podcast should be called
- Jen’s “Sha-Mazing Abs” fitness class schedule for next week
- Methods for putting on eyeliner
- Fraud. Just, like, in general
- Daily bickering about who’s more famous
- Debating if hospitals smell worse than jail
- Turtlenecks: For fashion or function?
- What Coach Shah’s up to
- How to lobby to get the canteen to sell green juices
- Their knitting club, Stitch n’ Bitch
- Their letters to Martha Stewart asking to be a guest speaker
- Who would be on Real Housewives of Silicon Valley
- How to accessorize their future ankle monitors
- Planning future coordinating Burning Man ‘fits
- Baby burping tips
- Shit talking all the water signs (they’re both air signs)
- Checking in on requests to add a bedazzled stripper pole to the prison yard
- Their post-prison “Mommy Makeovers”
- How badly they need a PSL
