Live music has finally made a comeback in a big way after three years, and apparently the statute of limitations on human decency is 36 months, because people have completely forgotten how to act. Stadiums and arenas have become the frontier of the newest culture war. The next time you spend a small fortune on a three-hour performance, you might be wondering, “How can I be the absolute worst to everyone around me?” Fear not, dear reader. Below is a non-exhaustive guide to winning your next concert — if the measure for victory is how many people want to push you off the nosebleeds.
How To Be The Absolute Worst Person At A Concert: A Guide
Arrive extremely late, during the best song, then force everyone to get up so you can reach your seat. Spend the next 15 minutes loudly complaining about the traffic, parking, security, and other extremely foreseeable obstacles the venue warned you about in multiple emails. Spend the rest of the concert screaming at the artist to play the songs you missed.
Have an extremely banal conversation with your friend throughout the show. If you’re going to use the Eras tour as your opportunity to catch up with your friends from high school, please keep the gossip entertaining. It’s the least you can do.
Stand the whole time. Make sure you look back at the people behind you every so often to confirm that you are, in fact, blocking their view. Smile apologetically, but do nothing to alter your behavior.
Scream through all the ballads. Contrary to some ethicists, I don’t believe that singing at a concert is inherently rude. Unless you’re a good singer, and then you’re one of those assholes at bar karaoke who are just trying to show off. Chill out, Broadway, you’re not gonna get booked by some talent scout sitting in the nosebleeds at Barclays Center. Everyone else, go ahead and belt it out during “Never Ever Getting Back Together” or whatever. But singing during the slow songs? Inexcusable. I can promise you, your voice is not better than Beyoncé’s. And even if it is, please respect the fact that the rest of us emptied out our 401(k)s to hear her voice.
Yell when the performer is telling everyone to be silent. No, it’s totally hilarious and nobody’s ever thought about doing it before.
Take your S.O. who has no interest and proceed to treat the show as your foreplay. Yea, yea, we’ve all heard “Partition,” but it’s not meant to be instructional. If some stranger’s boyfriend Monica Lewinsky’d Bill Clinton’d all over my bespoke Etsy outfit, I will sue.
Get up to pee every two songs. Because you’ve drank so much, and you broke the seal. Then start a fight when the person next to you rolls your eyes at having to get up to let you out again.
Wear a gigantic top hat. You are the only person at this concert.
Bring a huge homemade sign and hold it in the air the entire show. Damn, girl, do you realize this isn’t a baseball game? Although, with shoulder stamina like that, you should try out for the Yankees.
Be extremely tall. Sorry, everybody knows you should lose a few vertebrae before a big show! Actually if you could just chop off your head since that’s the thing that will ruin my Insta stories, that would be amazing.
Film anyone doing any of these things with the express purpose of shaming them on social media. You’ve never been annoying in public before.
