Wow. Here we are. Back again for another thrilling installment of our Game of Thrones recaps. So, who lived, who died, and who showed their boobs? Let’s dive in…
This week’s episode opens on a horrifically stormy night in Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are casually talking about the night Dany was born like two proud gay dads.
Varys: Everyone in King’s Landing loves you
Dany:
Tyrion tells Dany that they can take the seven kingdoms basically anytime, but her plan was never to burn shit down and takeover. Part of her charm as a ruler is that people actually want to follow her, which would be less likely if she just rolled in and blew everything up *cough*CERSEI*cough*.
Dany changes the topic to immediately grilling Varys and his resume under many different aspiring kings. It’s uncomfortabl, to say the least. Not even muffled support from Tyrion can derail her storm of questions about all the leaders he’s supported and then betrayed.
Rather than get smarmy like we may have expected, Varys is refreshingly honest. What a concept. He tells Daenerys that because he grew up on the streets and suffered under the great Lords of Westeros, his loyalty lies only with the people: the lowborn, the bedraggled and the enslaved. The povos, if you will. This was a wise argument to make to the Breaker of Chains, and it appears he’s convinced her for the time being. Honestly, Varys 2020. His odds are good against Trump and the Rock.
Dany asks him to keep her accountable to the people rather than conspire against her if she strays, which was a cute moment until she vowed to burn him alive if he ever betrayed her. Never a dull moment in Dragonstone.
This little pow wow over loyalties is brought to an end by the arrival of the Melisandre, who must have heard there was another hot, young potential savior floating around Westeros and thus rode her shadow demon-baring ass to their doorstep immediately. If nothing else, I respect her dedication to absolute thirst at all cost.
Dany welcomes Melisandre, a former slave and now Red Priestess, with open arms. Varys proves more difficult to win over.
Varys: She used to serve under Stannis Baratheon and it didn’t turn out well JUST SAYING.
Daenerys: I’m sorry, but what the fuck did we literally just discuss?
Melisandre is there to warn Dany about the long night and all that it brings, thinking that she could play a pivotal role in saving them all from the White Walkers. For book readers and internet theorizers alike, this is a big moment as it’s the first notable reference this season to the Prince That Was Promised AKA the driving force behind the fire religion and the reason that Melisandre has been hopping from king to king the past six seasons.
Dany: You think I could be the Prince that is referenced in this prophecy?
Melisandre: Yeah so if I’ve learned anything in the past couple years, it’s to not fuck with prophecies. Character development, am I right?
Melisandre believes that the prophecy could reference both Jon and Daenerys, and that their collective survival depends on the two of them coming together. Tyrion’s ears perk right up at learning that Jon is now the King of the North. Melisandre waxes poetic about Jon’s accomplishments as Lord Commander and King of the North, yet somehow fails to mention the whole part where he literally came back to life, or how bad she wanted to bone him. She wants Dany to summon him to Dragonstone so she can try to bang him again get to know him and Tyrion is in full support.
Dany: Yeah why not, let’s invite him.
Tyrion: Thank God.
Dany: And then let’s make him pledge his allegiance to my superiority.
Tyrion: Like honestly it’s always one step forward and two steps back with you isn’t it.
Later on in the war room, Daenerys’ inner circle is sitting around and bickering about their approach to Westeros. Yara, Ellaria and Olenna are all Team Attack King’s Landing As Soon As Possible, while Tyrion and Dany are Team Let’s Not Burn a Whole Fucking Country Down Because We Hate Cersei Lannister. Naturally, these two teams sit at opposing sides of strategy.
Dany: I will not be the Queen of Ashes
Olenna: Being well liked for sure worked out for my daughter. Who is now the literal Queen of Ashes. But it’s fine.
Tyrion and Dany then outline their plan for the naysayers in the room: The Westerosi armies (Martell, Greyjoy and Tyrell) will lay siege to the land surrounding King’s Landing and eventually King’s Landing itself. An attack from foreigners would only solidify Cersei’s recruitment tactic: that savages have come to take Westeros. No one seems on board for this until Tyrion unveils part two: The Unsullied, lead by Greyworm will sail directly to Casterly Rock, and over take the place that grants the Lannisters all their power. Everyone in the room seems equal parts shocked and aroused at Tyrion is suggesting laying siege to his own home, which is enough to win them all over. Everyone except Olenna that is, which earns her a private audience with Dany.
Not one to mince words, Olenna gets right to the point. Tyrion may be clever, but clever men die all the time. The feminist vibes are very strong. She says the reason that Daenerys has been so successful up to this point is because she hasn’t been working within the rules of Westeros, and this great invasion is no time to start. Also, Dany and Olenna are women, which makes them better than everyone, obviously. Girls rule, boys drool, etc…etc…
Olenna: The Lords of Westeros are sheep. Don’t be a sheep. You are a dragon. Be a dragon.
Dany: What are your thoughts about putting that on a shirt?
Not to be dramatic but, Greyworm and Missandei’s goodbye scene is the best thing to happen to me all weekend. Their awkward and whispered declarations of love cleared up my skin and improved my credit score.
Greyworm: You are my weakness.
Missandei: Not a compliment, but continue.
After a rom com worthy speech about not experiencing real fear until her knew her, we’re treated to what no one really ever thought was possible: a sex scene starring Greyworm. Better yet, it wasn’t horrifyingly awkward like we all thought it would be. Why did it take until this moment to realize that, without a functioning dick, Greyworm had the potential to become the reigning King of going down on people? Is a boyfriend with no dick actually the best possible boyfriend to have? What is a penis good for, really? Stay tuned.
Greyworm and Missandei: *Slowly grow to love and accept each other for their flaws and overcome the many obstacles in the way of their love*
Me:
Finally, a happy couple in this show who mutually respect each other! Can’t wait for them to both die painful deaths!
Meanwhile In Winterfell…
Across the country on the foot of the world’s fastest Raven, Tyrion’s letter has arrived in Jon’s hands. He, Sansa, and Davos discuss the risks of Jon going to Dragonstone and the likelihood of this being one giant trap.
Jon: You know Tyrion better than any of us, what do you think?
Sansa: I think I’m not trying to pay a visit to my ex-husband, thanks.
Davos makes the very valid point that three dragons would make a considerable difference in the fight against the White Walkers, a threat which heavily outweighs the chances of Jon being hurt at Dragonstone. But it’s also important to remember that the rest of Westeros hasn’t watched Daenerys kick ass for the past seven seasons. To them, she’s is just the daughter of the Mad King; another Targaryen with a fleet of dragons at her disposal. The last time that happened, the entire country broke into war.
Jon: Idk I think we should blindly trust the daughter of the man who tried to burn down all of Westeros.
Davos: Worth a shot.
Sansa:
Later on, Sam’s raven finally arrives from the Citadel. Leave it to Sam to pick the slowest fucking raven in all of Westeros. Either way, Jon finally knows about the dragonglass reserve living below Dragonstone, which means there’s no way he’s ghosting Dany now.
Jon gathers the Lords to announce that he will be accepting Tyrion’s invitation to Dragonstone, casually throwing in that Dany has a powerful army and three dragons under her control. No one is psyched to hear that, least of all Sansa.
Sansa: How many more traps are you going to fall for??
Jon: At least twenty this season but that is beside the point.
You know things are bad when even Lyanna Mormont is against Jon’s plan. Every Lord and Lady in that room are screaming at him to come to his senses, and nevertheless, he persisted. While Jon is short on things like foresight and rational thinking, he appears to have an unlimited supply of impassioned speeches at his disposal. He tells them all that this is quite literally their only hope, because they desperately need both dragonglass and allies.
It doesn’t look like anyone will be siding with Jon this time until he goes so far as to pass all power to Sansa in his absence. That’s right, our baby is finally Queen of the North and while I’m sitting here beaming as I type that sentence, no one is as stoked as Baelish.
Baelish:
Although his spirits significantly drop after visiting Jon in the Stark family crypt, where Littlefinger decides to try and bond with Jon over things like his dead father and how much his adopted mother hated him.
Petyr: I was bummed when your dad got murdered because it then became clear that Catelyn would rather die alone than marry me. Lucky for me, your sister looks a whole lot like her.
Not catching on to how little Jon wants to speak to him, Petyr goes on to tell him that he loved Catelyn and now loves Sansa just the same. Jon responds with a quick chokehold, quickly reminding us all why we love him so.
Jon: Talk to my sister and I’ll kill you myself.
Me:
Back At King’s Landing…
Meanwhile, Cersei is holding court amongst former members of House Tyrell, lecturing them about the dangers of Dany and the Dothrakis that she brought across the ocean with her.
Cersei: This bitch Daenerys has crucified noblemen and then fed them to her dragons.
Everyone: Um but remember that time you literally blew an entire cathedral of noblemen up?
Cersei is asking these men, formerly loyal to the Tyrells, to align with the Lannisters against Daenerys and Olenna. They are, uh, skeptical to say the least.
Lord Tarly: Yeah, so what’s your plan against her three full grown dragons?
Cersei: new number, who dis?
Jaime approaches Lord Tarly after the gathering, who took time out of his busy schedule of despising his oldest son to make a quick trip to King’s Landing.
Jaime: It’s so kind of you to make it all the way out here.
Tarly: Right, because your sister responds so well to refusals I hear.
Jaime wants Tarly to swear allegiance to Cersei and in return, he will be made a leading general in the Lannister army. Tarly, for all his faults, is a man who stands by his word and doesn’t react well to the idea of betraying his oath to the Tyrells. Jaime sweetens the deal by offering Lord Tarly the title of Warden of the South once the war is one. That’s a super big if considering they’re going up against three dragons and a legion of warriors, but glory is calling and if world history this show has taught me anything, powerful white men will go to great lengths for it.
Qyburn has taken Cersei down into the bowels of the Red Keep for a tour of Robert’s dragon trophies. It’s a fun trip down memory lane for Cersei until they happen upon the largest skull of all, which Qyburn uses to make the point that, while terrifying, dragons are not indestructible. He proves this by unveiling the world’s largest crossbow, which he’s had made specifically to take down dragons. Honestly, if he wasn’t so fucking creepy Cersei probably would have fucked this guy already. At this point, he’s the only man in her life to not disappoint her.
At The Boring Ass Citadel…
We finally get a real peek at Jorah in the citadel, who is undergoing a particularly bleak doctor’s appointment. Maesters clearly don’t include bedside manner in their extensive training. The Archmaester tells Jorah that he’s got 10 – 20 years before the grayscale kills him, but a max six months before he goes insane and tries to start eating people. Sam watches on uncomfortably from the sidelines as Arch Cristina Yang delivers the news with the same delicacy that he probably describes the bed pans that the pledges have to clean out.
Sam: Shireen Baratheon was cured, are you sure there’s nothing we can do?
Archmaester: Which one of us has been studying grayscale for the past fifty years and which one of us scoops shit out of buckets every morning?
Sam: Harsh, but fair.
The Archmaester offers Jorah an extra day before they ship him off to the island of stone men. While he cites Jorah’s knight status as the reasoning, his lingering and not at all subtle glances toward the giant sword in the corner of the room makes his point abundantly clear: just kill yourself.
After that light-hearted session, the Archmaester lectures Sam around the library while collecting research for his book about the War of the Five Kings and all the things that followed it. Sam thinks he may have found a cure for grayscale and is promptly shut down when he is told that the Maester who wrote those particular reports died from experimenting on Grayscale. Naturally, this doesn’t stop him.
Instead of writing to his family, as suggested, Jorah decides to pen one last sad, handwritten book to his Khaleesi. It won’t be as effective without his quiet, urgent whispers, but I’m sure she can use her imagination.
Sam interrupts him with a speech about knowing Jorah’s father and a promise that he will somehow cure him of this disease that no one has been able to find a cure for. Clearly ignoring the wishes of his Archmaester, Sam sets in on experimenting on Jorah after a hefty swig of rum. I know I like my doctors to be tipsy before starting any kind of procedure on me.
Jorah: Do you know what you’re doing?
Sam: No I don’t and honestly you’re starting to sound a lot like my dad.
Sam proceeds to remove Jorah’s infected layer of skin without any kind of pain killer and then asks him to keep quiet. I was screaming just watching on my couch, so I’m sure that went well. The whole thing was like, the worst pimple-popping YouTube video of all time and I think I speak for the entire world when I say I was not, under any circumstances, here for it.
Wherever The Fuck Arya Is…
Arya hits a tavern en route to King’s Landing and finds her old friend Hot Pot, who asks if she’d run into Brienne yet. She evades that discussion, just like she evades any other personal question he asks, opting to just drink ale instead. It was like watching myself on screen, except with medieval clothing.
All plans of murdering Cersei fly out the window when Hot Pot tells Arya that Jon has taken back King’s Landing. She drops her pie, hops on her horse, and heads North to where she belongs. Will we be blessed with a second Stark reunion?? The odds aren’t in our favor but man will I get my hopes up anyway.
Things aren’t looking good for her journey when Arya’s campsite is surrounded by wolves, which would potentially be the most ironic death that this entire show has given us. We’re baited with the second most triumphant moment of this season when a direwolf that Arya thinks is Nymeria arrives. Either it wasn’t her or Nymeria no longer gives a fuck, because the direwolf leaves and takes all the regular wolves with it. Seeing as how it didn’t eat her, I’m optimistic that this means Nymeria is back for good. I can’t believe that season seven is actually delivering all the Stark family reunions that we so rightly deserve.
Somewhere In The Ocean, IDK…
The Greyjoys have clearly made it to Dorne to pick up their army and are headed to King’s Landing for phase one of the war. More strategic progress has been made in this single episode than the first two seasons combined.
In his ongoing suffering, Theon is forced to sit by and serve alcohol to Yara and Ellaria as they shamelessly flirt with each other. Will he ever know peace? Not likely. Yara’s shrug to her brother as Ellaria is basically fingering her in front of him is painfully realistic because we’ve all employed it once or twice or a hundred times in our lives. It was the human embodiment of ¯_(ツ)_/¯: I shouldn’t do this but that’s not going to stop me.
Any hopes of some girl on girl action are interrupted when Euron’s arrives and lays siege to their entire fleet. Full-scale battle breaks out on this dark ship full of people in the same outfit, so I really wasn’t sure how things were going for a while, but it became clear quickly that Yara and Theon were not coming out on top here. Euron takes down two of the Sand Snakes while his men capture Ellaria and the third who was sent down to protect her. Theon loses all cool and jumps off the boat instead of trying to save his sister from his uncle. If they both die mere moments after making out below deck, this truly brings the “Bury Your Gays” trope to a whole new level.
Will Yara and Ellaria survive? Will Nymeria come back? Will Jon hook up with Dany before realizing that they’re relatives? Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.
MVB (Most Valuable Betch) of the Episode: Arya, duh – chugging alcohol rather than having to reflect on her life or answer a single personal question about herself = a true inspiration to us all.
