If you hear “fingering” and you immediately get PTSD from the first time your high school crush shoved their dirty fingernails into your vagina and jackrabbit-ed around for thirty seconds (or you were the crush doing the jackrabbiting) this one’s for you.
Once you start having vaginal sex with someone, it’s pretty safe to say that fingering takes a back burner to everything else. You don’t really see much of fingering in porn, and you don’t really hear about people taking it back to the basics once they’ve moved on to penetrative sex. And maybe that’s why people often suck at it.
Listen, I’m a big fan of the main event when it comes to sex, but I will always advocate for people to spend time learning each other’s bodies before diving right in, so to speak. And fingering is the ultimate way to do so.
“Fingering can honestly be an incredibly sexy experience, especially in the early stages of a relationship,” Megwyn White, certified sexologist and director of education at Satisfyer told Betches. “It’s a great way to get to know your partner and tune more into the subtleties of touch and connection.”
If you’re panicking right now because you know your fingering skills are subpar… breathe. Do some finger stretches and relax, because here is a complete guide to fingering.
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What Is Fingering?
If your answer to “what is fingering?” is “to stick a finger in someone,” we’ve got some work to do. By definition, fingering involves pleasuring your partner (or yourself) by using your fingers for stimulation, which can include touching the clitoris, vagina, or anus. But using your fingers to explore someone’s body involves so much more.
“When done with finesse and a sensitive approach, [fingering] can send a powerful message to your partner that you have the capacity to slow down and tune into their arousal patterns,” White said. “This can be a great boost to intimacy and a wonderful foundation for expanding sexual exploration.”
Fingering Prep
It’s fingering, all you need is a finger and somewhere to put it, right? WRONG. Although fingering may seem like a simple act you can do at any time, preparing to finger someone is super important to ensure not only a pleasurable experience but also a hygienic one. First thing’s first: Wash your damn hands and clean those fingernails.
“The vulva and vagina are incredibly vulnerable to bacteria,” White said. “If your fingers have dirt under them this can not only cause potential infection but also be very uncomfortable for the person being fingered.”
Even if you’re trying anal fingering, there’s never a reason to not wash your hands before putting them inside someone.
You also want to make sure that your nails are trimmed. Listen, I’m a long-nail girlie myself but when it comes to fingering a partner, I’m only going in with nails that are cut down that won’t cause some sort of internal injury to them. And I expect the same from a partner when I’m on the receiving end.
And above everything else, as with everything else involving sex, communicate! “Not only is this a great way to build trust and intimacy among partners, but it also allows for clear expectations before the sexual encounter,” White said.
Lube It Up
You might assume that lube is reserved for sex, but in this household we lube it up every chance we get, okay? It’s 2024 and whatever stigmas there are around needing lube are not welcomed here. By using lube while fingering someone, you can create a more comfortable experience for your partner. “It also can help to invite you to explore a range of sensual movements as your hands can more easily glide,” White said.
Anatomy Class
Okay, so your nails are clean, you have your lube and you’re ready to get fingering. While some people may call it “finger banging,” fingering is not about sticking your finger wherever and going to town.
Whenever you’re fingering someone with a vagina, you can make the experience even better by learning what you’re touching and how to touch it. “It’s important that anyone wanting to improve their fingering skills that they become educated on the erogenous zones that encompass the vulva and the vagina,” White said. “There are so many wonderfully sensitive areas that often get missed.”
Before you whip out the flashcards, you don’t need to be an expert in the anatomy of a vulva to finger someone successfully. But, the main idea here is that you shouldn’t just go in and thrash about. Knowing where to touch and how much pressure to apply is a big part of making the act of fingering someone really enjoyable.
Let’s break it down
The mons pubis, also known as the “mound of Venus,” is a soft area covering the pubic bone that’s very sensitive to touch.
The prepuce, a protective skin layer around the glans clitoris found in the folds of the vulva, can feel really great when gently touched or manipulated. “Using your fingers to slide this tissue back and forth can create intense pleasure for the person you’re touching,” White said.
The vestibule, located just inside the vaginal opening, has lots of nerve endings. Lightly touching or applying gentle pressure here can feel amazing.
The glans clitoris has lots of nerve endings (about 10,000!), so it’s important to be gentle when touching it. “When touching the glans clitoris you need to approach it with sensitivity,” White said. Starting with soft touches and communicating with your partner about what feels good is key.
The labia minora and majora can swell with arousal, and exploring different pressures and textures can help understand what feels best, especially for internal clitoral stimulation.
The G-spot is a small spongy area on the front wall of the vagina. “It can be found by inserting one or two fingers into the vagina and making a come hither, circular, or circle eight motion,” White said. Because it’s sensitive, it’s best to build up arousal slowly before focusing on this area.
The cervix is at the base of the uterus, and whether or not someone can get to it while fingering you has to do with where you’re at in your menstrual cycle. It has lots of nerve endings and responds well to gentle touch, adding to overall sexual pleasure.
How To Finger Someone
While the anatomy of a vagina is universal, each vulva owner is different. This means that what each person enjoys is going to vary and you’re going to have to use communication and body cues to help you make the experience more pleasurable for your partner. And the same goes for someone you’re anal fingering.
“Staying mindful of your breathing as well as attuning to your partner’s arousal expression can help you in navigating touch more effectively,” White said. If you notice that you do something and your partner tenses up or even winces a bit, it could be a sign that whatever movement you’re using isn’t feeling so great.
Talking your partner through it can make you both feel more comfortable — and also give you better cues on what movements to continue and what movements to stop. Asking “Is this okay?” and “Do you like this?” or even being more direct and saying “Tell me what you want” can serve as a guide for what’s working and what isn’t. And if you find that something is working, for the love of God, do not stop.
Nothing is worse than when your partner is finally hitting a spot that feels good and you feel an orgasm rising in your body and then… They just stop. “If you find that your partner is becoming more aroused and their breathing intensifies this is a good opportunity to stay consistent and connected to whatever you’re doing,” White said.
And if you’ve found a good groove but want to spice it up, you can always include sex toys when fingering someone. There are versatile finger vibrators that you can use to increase the sensations you or your partner feels while exploring with your fingers.
