If someone told me in 2019 I’d have to update the lyrics to Ariana Grande’s “Thank U, Next” with a REALTOR®, I wouldn’t have believed them. Now, it’s midway through 2023, and not only am I trying to find words to rhyme with “luxury home broker,” I’m also having to do the same for *checks notes* “Munchkinlander.”
For the love of Pete Davidson’s dick, how did I get here?
It’s all too much to take in, so I thought I’d process it on paper by writing all new lyrics dedicated to Ari’s latest loves.
Ahem. *whips ponytail*
“Thank U, Next” 2023 Edition
Thought I’d end up with Dalton
But he wasn’t a match
Sang some songs about Wicked
Now I’m dating this dad
Glinda broke up a marriage
And Page Six is so thankful
Wish I could say thank you to Lilly
‘Cause she’s been an angel
Boq taught me love
Dalt tried my patience
Lilly handles pain
Now, that shit’s amazing
Say I’ve loved and I’ve lost
But that’s not what I see
Now, I’ve got SpongeBob
A ginger-haired Frankie
And for that, I say
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next (next)
Thank you, next
I’m so grateful for Ethan’s ex
Thank you, ex
Thank you, ex
Thank you, ex
I’m so fucking grateful for his ex
Spend more time with my friends
But I ain’t a girl’s girl
Plus, I met someone else
And we’re belting out showtunes
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon’ last
‘Cause I’m always the hot one
And I’m so good with that (so good with that)
Boq taught me love (love)
Dalt tried my patience (patience)
Lilly handles pain (pain)
That shit’s amazing (yeah, she’s amazing)
I’ve loved and lost (yeah, yeah)
But that’s not what I see (yeah, yeah)
The Good Witch gone bad
Ain’t no need for searching
And for that, I say
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (thank you)
I’m so grateful for Ethan’s ex
Thank you, next (thank you, next)
Thank you, next (said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (next)
Ugh I’m so annoyed by Ethan’s text.
