Like most betches, I spend approximately half of my paycheck on Starbucks every month. I mean, I don’t have the exact numbers because budgets are for accountants and people without online shopping addictions, but the point is that coffee is the lifeblood coursing through my veins. Luckily for everyone else who can’t get through the afternoon without a triple caramel macchiato, coffee is good for you personally, even if it’s terrible for your bank account. Let me count the ways.
1. It Reduces Your Risk of Stroke
Full disclosure here: Caffeine has been shown to cause an intense increase in blood pressure right after you drink it, but it goes away pretty quickly. In the long term (aka that thing you can never think about), caffeine is actually thought to reduce your risk of stroke. Back in 2015, a study of more than 82,000 people found that the ones who drank at least one cup of coffee a day (or a fuckton of green tea) were way less likely to have a stroke over the years.
In 2011, a similar study found that women who drank two or more cups each day were less likely to have a stroke, too. So to all the people who give you side-eye when you’re on your fourth cup by 10am can chill way out.
2. It Keeps Your Teeth Healthy
According to research, drinking black coffee might prevent cavities. Obviously (and tragically) this doesn’t apply to the monstrosities from Starbucks we know and love, because if we learned anything in elementary school it’s that sugar = cavities. But if you can choke down black coffee, you’re actually doing your teeth a favor health-wise. Just buy a lifetime supply of whitening strips while you’re at it, because just because your teeth are health doesn’t mean they’re not stained AF.
3. It Has A Bunch of Antioxidants
You might associate antioxidants with disgusting healthy foods you pretend to love like pomegranates or something, but coffee is actually one of the biggest sources of antioxidants in our diets. The main antioxidant coffee provides is chlorogenic acid, but there are a bunch of others floating around in your cup of joe. The jury is still out on whether that actually means anything, but at least you’ll feel healthy as shit and won’t have to spend like, $1K on an acai bowl to do so.
4. It Prevents Depression
Approximately a bajillion studies have shown that coffee is linked to a lower risk for depression, especially in women. This probably has to do with caffeine’s stimulatory effects—it encourages your brain to release dopamine, just like all the fun drugs but in lower doses. Coffee doesn’t cure depression (duh), but in Trump’s America, even just a lowered risk is pretty solid.
5. It Lowers Risk For Parkinson’s Disease
Parkinson’s disease is super scary—just ask Michael J Fox. Like, it’s one of those disease you can spend hours on WebMD convincing yourself you have and get all the way through making a ZocDoc appointment before your boyfriend reminds you that you’re just high. Well, next time you go down one of these rabbit holes, remind your anxiety brain that coffee might protect against Parkinson’s and control symptoms in people who already have it. In 2012, a study found that caffeine helped people with Parkinson’s control their movements, and a few other studies over the years have found that people who drink coffee every day are less likely to get the disease.
6. It Makes You More Alert
ICYMI because you’re one of those hipsters who drinks coffee “for the taste,” coffee quickly makes you more alert and reduces fatigue, which is why we all need it before dealing with work/people/the world in general on Monday morning. It can also mess with your sleep patterns, but that’s a small price to pay for it quelling all your homicidal tendencies.
7. It Reduces Skin Cancer Risk
Bad news: If you were like literally everyone else in the mid-2000s and used tanning beds as a teenager, you should watch out for skin cancer. Good news: Coffee drinking might be linked to a reduced risk for melanoma. Back to bad news: There have only been a few studies about it, so you still have to wear sunscreen on spring break.
8. You Turn Into A Monster At The Gym
Next time someone is inexplicably annoyed when you roll up to Pilates with Starbucks in hand, kindly refer them to the fuckton of research showing that caffeine boosts workout performance. Apparently, caffeine’s stimulation helps you work out harder, and all that dopamine makes the misery less miserable. Plus, people eat fewer calories when they drink caffeine before and after a workout, which is the literal opposite of what happens when I hit the gym.
9. You Literally Live Longer
Research shows that people who drink coffee every day tend to live longer. Better yet, the last study on the subject back in 2015 found that moderate coffee drinkers—the people who have three to five cups a day—were the ones that lived longest, even compared to people who had just one or two cups. I’d like to note that if three to five cups PER DAY is considered “moderate” coffee consumption, I don’t want to meet the “heavy” consumers. But regardless, there’s your excuse to order an extra shot in your latte from today until you kick the bucket several centuries from now.
In conclusion: To all the smug tea drinkers out there, kindly STFU about the perils of coffee and feel free to take every seat.
