At the end of your super special day with super special people and super special speeches, you should be serving a super special dessert. Newsflash—this is like, your last chance to impress your guests. Which makes it all the more upsetting when we see tiny plates of cake pops or a fucking wall of carnival food. I paid good money to be at this wedding, probably, and I demand a delicious dessert. I don’t want your dried out wedding cake and I don’t want some unique shit that you think everyone will love. When it comes to wedding desserts, variety is key, and if you’re serving only ONE of the below items (or all fucking five), let me know ahead of time so I can RSVP “nope.”
1. Doughnuts
Enough already. If you’re having a gross brunch wedding, then fine—hire out that super hip doughnut place and have them create you a cake out of doughnuts. But do not, DO NOT, hang doughnuts on a peg board and call it a dessert table. Fuck you. I’m not an animal, even though alcohol makes me act like one. I am above eating off of a peg board. Fuck you, Alyssa, and your trendy fucking wedding. Fuck you and your pink frosted “I Do” doughnuts.
2. Cotton Candy And Other Carnival Fare
Wtf? The fact that people do this is disturbing. I understand that, along with the Chinese-Mexican fusion food truck you have out front, having a cotton candy machine for dessert is totally UNIQUE and a hipster’s actual wet dream. However, no one older than age seven is going to appreciate you dishing out this slimy, crusty, sticky, spun sugar. You know what cotton candy and funnel cakes are good for? Being sticky. I don’t want to be sticky at this current juncture. I’m hoping to get to a nice, drunk place without wondering tomorrow, “Wtf is in my hair?” Fuck you.
3. Cake Pops
These reached their peak around 2010, so anyone serving this shit now can go shave their back. Be honest—have you ever had a cake pop that was amazingly good? The answer is “no.” Nothing on a stick has ever ended well. That includes dessert. It’s fucking science.
4. Literally Just Candy
I seen’t this shit, and it ain’t pretty. I get that you may be trying to cut costs, but for the love of god, please don’t let your dessert suffer by providing jars of candy for your guests as “dessert.” I’d literally rather you poured me another glass of wine than put some glass jars of candy on a table and thrown me a bag to fill. I didn’t like trick or treating when I was eight, and I sure as shit don’t like it now. We demand pastries and cake—not dried-out old Reese’s and questionable truffles. PASS.
5. Cupcakes
You know by now that I hate cupcakes at weddings. They’re tacky. They’re usually not that delicious. I hate buttercream for reasons I’m not going to get into here. Your red velvet chocolate or key lime crème can’t save you. If you’re having a bunch of CHILDREN at your wedding (first of all, ew), then yes, go ahead and serve them. But not everyone likes cupcakes, and you’re totally alienating the rest of us.
What do we want, then? We want variety. Choosing one or two desserts (esp. the above) fucking sucks, and we demand a full dessert table with everything to choose from. We came, we got you a gift, and we’re sitting through these awful speeches. Give us sugar or give us death.
