In this week’s exciting episode, the girls are jetted off to Paris for a week of urine-soaked streets, possible pick-pockets, and line dancing at the world’s most famous strip club. Europe is so magical. Speaking of magical, I’m taking over The Bachelor recap this week since the betch that usually writes them is like, probably also in Europe I assume. I mean, where else does anyone go these days?
Scary hands-having Bachelor Arie entertained us even more this week with his deep downward spiral into actually becoming one of the women. At least he didn’t cry this week … that we saw.
The girls take in all the sights and sounds of the city, talking about the ZEN/SIN river (American education—I see you), gondola rides (send help), and the majestic hotel boat providing by Uniworld which I’ve literally never fucking heard of.
Out of nowhere, Chris Harrison shows up to appear disinterested offer super helpful advice to Arie while they both say the words JOURNEY and AMAZING as much as possible. Where will Chris spend the next week? Does he jet down to Nice for a nude beach adventure? Is he hanging out with Quasimodo at Notre Dame? Is he busy getting shithoused in Bordeaux? The world needs to fucking know.
We switch back to the girls sitting around admiring Krystal’s Grease-inspired outfit just as Lauren B. gets picked for a super exciting Euro date.
Did Krystal raid Olivia Newton-John’s closet for this black number? Did Bekah M make a stop at OshKosh for this child’s romper?
One-On-One With Lauren B
Lauren B, human wallpaper, is whisked away on a boat and meandering tourist date with world’s most feminine man Arie for what feels like a full 24 hour kidnapping. While I was only slightly interested in the riveting conversation literal silence and comments on wheels of cheese going on, I couldn’t help but notice THE HICKEY ON ARIE’S NECK. DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
After traipsing through the city and not getting mugged, the happy couple heads to a quaint dinner. It starts out pretty much in the same vein as the rest of the date:
ARIE: Let’s toast to a silent date—it was so perfect
LAUREN B: Cheers omg
ARIE: This Champagne is so good
LAUREN B: This is amazing
ARIE: It was so busy today. Paris was insanely busy.
LAUREN B: I was so scared.
ARIE: I could see you were scared. It’s k.
LAUREN B: Thanks for saying that.
ARIE: No pressure
LAUREN B: Mmmkay.
ME: 
Lauren B proceeds to tell Arie how hard it is to open up to him which is, like, slightly understandable considering she’s known him for about four hours. Out of NOWHERE, Arie lays his balls on the table and talks about his baby mama which NO ONE knew he had and how said baby mama proceeded to have a miscarriage. This was some heavy shit. “I totally get your trust issues since MY BABY DIED.”
Unable to function because of Arie’s sob story
Lauren B tries to one-up Arie’s dead baby story with a broken engagement story but, understandably, falls a little short. She still gets the rose tho, because we can’t all have dead children stories to lay on the line.
Group Date At The Moulin Rouge
Surprise, it’s group date time, and the producers at ABC decide to take the girls and Arie to the not-at-all sketchy area of Montmartre where the Moulin Rouge is. The girls proceed to literally shit themselves and offer up some real gems of quotes:
GIRL 1: Wait is it really the Moulin Rouge
GIRL 2: OMGGGGG HOLY SHITTTTTT
GIRL 3: This is SO amazing, omg, this is the best thing to happen to me (v sad)
Thus commences roughly five to 10 minutes of screaming. Is it that exciting? I almost got mugged here. The girls and Arie then meet Miss Janet, the madam—err, head stage lady at the Moulin Rouge. Miss Janet’s accent is notably not French. Is it Australian? German? British? Who IS SHE?
The girls proceed to attempt to learn a v complicated stripper routine and Seinne, apparently a dancer, fucking slaaaaaays. Tia fumbles through, which surprises literally no one. Arie looks on, assessing, judging, being creepy.
Once the outfits are on, Arie definitely picks the girl he feels dances best looks best in a thong, to be revealed later. Seinne totally fucks up despite her glam outfit. WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU, SEINNE! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!
The girls go upstairs for a cocktail date to quell the fears of watching one of their own dance nearly naked in front of hundreds of strangers at the world’s most famous strip club. Arie gets some great one-on-one time with Tia while he strokes her leg with his really odd hands and then skips right to Bekah M for a discussion about being cute and how jealousy is a real human emotion. Bekah’s lashes really distract me during this time, since they remind me of spiders and I really don’t like spiders.
After staring into Bekah’s spider eyes, Arie spends some time with Seinne, during which she says something French and then gets uncomfortably tongue-kissed by Arie. 10 points to Gryffindor.
Despite the French talking and Tia’s leg strokes, Arie predictably gives the rose to ol’ spider lashes—Bekah M. Flash forward to all the girls now forced to sit in the Moulin Rouge with a bunch of horny old French men and watch Bekah and Arie make out on stage. Anyone else think Bekah really pulled off that blonde wig? No? Just me? K.
Kendall And Krystal: The Two-On-One
After listening to Krystal horrifyingly declare herself wife material, it’s time for the two-on-one date with Krystal and Kendall. “This is going to be a very weird day”—Kendall says what everyone is thinking.
Krystal shows up in an outfit she definitely would have found in her dad’s country club attire wardrobe if her whole family didn’t live in a bowling alley.
Arie proceeds to stunningly illustrate the wonders of an old Chateau with his ironclad grasp of art, literature, and history: “I love these old oil paintings.”
Whichever producer thought it would be hilarious to dump two semi-dumb blondes into a maze and watch how fast they can find cheese love, I applaud you. Is the maze a metaphor? For love? For journeys and paid endorsements in the name of love? For how lost Arie feels? Krystal quickly wins—likely because she’s a terrible person and cheated—but also because Kendall isn’t very good at puzzles.
No one seems to win anything after being put through the maze, which is disappointing. Arie proceeds to steal Krystal away for a quick chat about how krazy she actually is. She proceeds to enlighten him with Instagram inspirational quotes and wisdom:
KRYSTAL: I’m so sorry I didn’t come talk to you and I don’t wanna throw away ALL THE COLOR AND TEXTURE AND DEPTH OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
They then make up, make out, and make us all uncomfortable with a lot of strange hand placement.
Krystal then proceeds to throw Kendall under the bus by telling Arie she’s not ready for marriage, which feels weird coming from a woman who doesn’t feel human emotions.
Now it’s Kendall’s turn in the woods with Arie, which is a sentence I really never wanted to type. Real talk—this girl is very normal and down-to-earth for someone who stuffs and travels with dead animals on the reg. Basic bitch and backstabber Arie proceeds to recount his convo with Krystal to Kendall, probably hoping they’ll have a topless French mud fight for his amusement. Kendall is shooketh. She returns to the lounging area and confronts Krystal about her shit-talking in a v mature way. Krystal is on the defensive and takes a page from Becca’s playbook, asking Kendall why she’s even here.
OH NO SHE DIDN’T.
Kendall spits some truth: “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t mean you win; it means you hurt somebody.” Kendall’s mind-fucking abilities become legendary at this exact moment, and Krystal begins sparking from the ears and bursts into flames.
Arie comes back from his forest adventure and decides that, well, he can’t decide which girl to keep, so he FUCKING LEAVES THEM BOTH THERE TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH. In reality he just tells them to meet him for dinner so they can arm wrestle for his love in a nice restaurant, but we all would have rather seen the other thing.
Everyone arrives at a very nice restaurant with a v nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Krystal took some Xanax time to think about her response and stone-faced Kendall isn’t here for her shit.
KENDALL: You can’t connect with people
KRYSTAL: Yes I can
KENDALL: I really don’t think you know how
KRYSTAL: YES I CAN
KENDALL: Sounds good
KRYSTAL: PUURRRFECT
Arie arrives, right on schedule, and Krystal proceeds to blatantly lie about what she and Kendall have been discussing. “It’s so magical and worth it to be here *BABY PORN SIGH*”. Kendall doesn’t validate any of the bullshit coming from Krystal’s mouth, which just adds to her appeal at this point.
Arie’s spidey senses are tingling, and he takes Kendall back to chat. WE NEVER SEE THIS CHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. WE DEMAND ANSWERS. RELEASE THE TAPES.
Suddenly they return to world’s saddest restaurant, where Arie proceeds to PICK KENDALL.
The happy couple then leave Krazy Krystal alone with the Eiffel Tower and dessert. As the girls watch Krystal’s suitcase rolled away, they pop Champagne.
KRYSTAL: I am floored. I am just floored. I’m so confused … I just felt like, abandoned … does he really want a strong confident woman? I was weak and I’m NEVER WEAK.
ME: 
Poor Krystal just wants to be loved. We watch her cry and talk about weakness while Arie and Kendall make out, sad music swells, and she stares out a window, longingly.
The One-On-One With Jacqueline
Somehow, Jacqueline—let’s call her Jackie cause I don’t feel like typing Jacqueline—gets a one-on-one date and ABC is CLEARLY wanting every drunk white woman in America to think she’s going home. Arie shows up to get her in a clearly too-good-for-him car which he proceeds to break and pretend to fix.
ARIE: There’s like, an air pressure thing-a-ma-doodle I have to fix
JACKIE: I love when men know things about things and do things about things.
This whole exchange moderately distracts from the fact that Jackie literally just made a comparison between their date and shooting a pony. I worry about her.
As they wander away from the car, leaving it to be poached by Parisian car bandits, Arie takes a page out of the Becca K. playbook and Pretty Woman’s the shit out of Jackie, but like, with more Champagne and less actual shopping. Jackie proceeds to overplay her confidence card and ends up looking drunk, sad, and desperate, so I identify with her a lot more now.
They wander up to a very dark and scary restaurant which, I don’t understand why it’s so scary and dark in the middle of the day? Anyway, Jackie immediately launches into her insecurities, which is a rookie fucking move. She accuses Arie of not being that excited about her, and that he’s really just fascinated by the fact that she knows three or more syllable words and doesn’t need an Instagram endorsement to make money. Arie adds fuel to the fire by telling Jackie he does think she’s too smart for him (honestly, not a high bar to begin with) and then gives her the old “I don’t want to hold you back” speech. America collectively readies itself to wave au revoir to bird-face Jackie.
BUT IN A DRAMATIC TWIST Arie keeps Jackie around, probably so that he can a) say he dated a smart girl and b) kick her off next week.
“I don’t see your ambitions and dreams as a hindrance” —OH THANK YOU ARIE YOU ARE SO KIND LET ME MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.
The Rose Ceremony
Where the fuck is Arie staying? What a sad hotel compared to the clearly superior accommodations provided by Uniworld U boat river lines. The girls file into a strange museum/art space that feels off-putting in a way I can’t quite put my finger on. Further adding to my and America’s confusion is Tia’s figure skating/stripper combination jumpsuit that really looks like it came from a boutique in Arkansas. Someone help this girl.
Lord, Jesus fix it.
Arie shows up and proceeds to give a very cliché speech about Paris being the city of love but that he has to kick some bitches off tonight. I may have been drunk during this part. Tia’s pantsuit clearly charms Arie and she, Becca K., and Seinne get roses. Sadly, single mommy and sob-story-teller Chelsea and Jenna Eyebrows get kicked off. Real talk—I def thought Chelsea’s sad story and one-on-one would secure her another week, but I guess I was wrong.
Jenna proceeds to really, and I mean REALLY ugly cry and slobber all over herself. Chelsea borderline keeps it together and probs cements her spot on the next Bachelor spin-off show.
Tuscany is next on Arie’s adventure tour, BUT BEFORE THE END, we catch a glimpse of Lauren B totally shit talking Jackie and everyone else regarding how not easy this journey is. Will she turn on the girls, go full Misery and sequester Arie in a hotel room alone, break his legs, and forbid him from ever leaving her? Stay tuned.
Images: ABC (5); Giphy (8)
