In case you somehow missed it, Hannah Brown and Tyler Cameron are quarantining together. And now, another possible Bachelor couple, Peter and Kelley, was seen out and about actively disobeying social distancing protocols. I guess we can finally say for sure that Bachelor producers don’t pick their cast based on intelligence, right? And Bachelor couples aren’t the only couples that are quarantining together—real celebrities are doing it too! Why aren’t these people worried they’re going to hate each other by the end of this? I’m quarantining with my mother and I’m 99% sure the only reason she hasn’t murdered me yet is because she doesn’t want the nine months that she carried me in her womb to be for nothing. So, it’s either very brave or very stupid of these celebrities to spend an undetermined amount of time together. Let’s take a look at which celebrity couples have decided to take their chances, and attempt to answer the eternal question: do celebrities that quarantine together stay together?
Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello
So I guess this charade is still happening. Shawn and Camila have called the paparazzi on themselves been spotted out in Miami multiple times since quarantine began. Aggressively kissing, of course, because no one would buy that they’re a couple if they’re not swallowing each other’s faces whole. Oh wait, we still don’t buy it. Shouldn’t have wasted the saliva, guys! But that was SO sweet of them to remind us that it’s possible to stay fit while under quarantine—I mean, look at those abs! Could you livestream a workout for us, Shawn? Should I buy any equipment? Will I need to put down my Cheetos? Anyway, I’m not too worried about this couple breaking up in isolation. They’ll only break up when their contract says to, and I’m sure their lawyers thought of a pandemic clause.
Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas
Another couple doing their part to make sure the paparazzi stay employed during this unprecedented time of unemployment is Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas. I’m veryyyyy concerned about these two. First, they went from dating to “these are the sounds my body makes” in about .5 seconds. Second, they seem to really want people to know they’re banging, in a time when people reallyyyy don’t care. We’re just trying to secure enough toilet paper over here! Honestly, I’m happy that Ben is happy, partially because I think he makes things harder for himself than they need to be, but mostly because The Accountant is an underrated movie for which he did not get his due. But also, I beg of you, stay home! And actually, maybe I am very worried about this relationship because if they can’t obey an order to stay home that is strictly to SAVE LIVES, maybe they’re getting sick of each other already?
Leonardo DiCaprio and Camila Morrone
This one has me shook. Yes, Camila and Leo have been together for a while. Yes, there are no parties for Leo to attend at this time. Yes, Coachella was canceled. Yes, his infamous Pussy Posse does have too many members for the CDC to allow them to hang out right now. But I never thought it would come to this. Leo alone with a girlfriend for an extended amount of time? Giving her the impression that they might just be serious? The world really is ending. According to Harper’s Bazaar, Leo and Camila are in quarantine at his LA mansion and “they’re always together, but like maintaining privacy.” I assume that means that when Camila starts talking about TikTok he sends her to her room, right? They’ve even decided to foster a dog! I’m flummoxed. Look, I can’t tell you for sure if these two will make it through, the only thing I can tell you is that if we’re still in quarantine when she turns 25, they definitely will not.
Demi Lovato and Max Ehrich
I just said to my mother that now might be the time to get into soap operas. But I didn’t mean to, like, get into them, you know? Someone must have said the same thing to Demi and she took it very literally because it looks like she is quarantining with Max Ehrich, an actor on The Young and The Restless. Wow. That show title just hit hard. According to People, Max has posted Instagram stories of himself cuddling with Demi’s dogs, and a shirtless picture saying he didn’t pack enough for his quarantine. No one did, Max! Demi responded in the comments, “Fine by me…”. So I think it’s safe to say they have plenty to do to pass the time.
Ariana Grande and Dalton Gomez
I know you’re wondering if you should know who Dalton Gomez is, but don’t worry, you shouldn’t, and we broke his details down for you here. I’m honestly shocked that this guy is not a YouTube star because I find if I don’t know a name I hear on a celebrity website, they’re most likely a mildly offensive human who gets paid $24 million a year to tape themselves doing dumb sh*t. But, this guy is a realtor. Ariana met him through friends and apparently he sells multi-million dollar houses. Not right now you don’t, Dalton! Ain’t nobody got any money. We all know that Ariana is great at a quick, intense relationship *cough* all those Pete Davidson tattoos *cough* so this relationship might really thrive for the next few months. But once this is over and all of us mole people return to the light? They’re done.
Best of luck to all these quarantining celebrity couples, and may the odds be ever in their favor! Which celebrity couples do you think will make it out of isolation without hate in their hearts and blood on their hands?
Images: Debby Wong / Shutterstock.com; maxehrich, camilamorrone / Instagram; Giphy
This morning, the nominations were announced for the 62nd Annual GRAMMY Awards, which means awards season has officially begun. As expected, many of this year’s biggest stars cleaned up in the top categories, with Billie Eilish and Lizzo included in all of the big four categories, and Ariana Grande and Lana Del Rey scoring their first Album of the Year nominations. Lizzo is the artist with the most nominations this year, which is undeniably well-deserved. Even “Old Town Road” got a Record of the Year nomination, which is a good thing, because I was gonna riot if Lil Nas X got snubbed.
But even though the nominations went according to plan for a lot of major artists, there are some others who are probably rage texting their managers/agents/publicists right now. Some of them are more surprising than others, but here’s who got snubbed in this year’s GRAMMY nominations.
Over the course of her career, Taylor Swift has basically been the teacher’s pet of the GRAMMYs. She’s won 10 awards, including two for Album of the Year, but this wasn’t really her year. For her new album, Lover, she came away with three nominations, including one for Song of the Year, but missed out on Album and Record of the Year—the two biggest categories. Considering that her last album, Reputation, only got one nomination, this is still an improvement, but it’s a far cry from 1989, which got a total of 10 nominations for all its songs.
Another year has passed, and Halsey has still never gotten a GRAMMY nomination for her own song (she’s been nominated twice as a featured artist). After “Without Me” became her biggest solo hit to date, I felt sure that this would be her year, but it wasn’t meant to be. Her next album will be out in January, and her songs “Graveyard” and “Clementine” missed the eligibility window for this year’s awards, so I’m sure she already has her prayer candles lit for next year.
Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
Despite “Señorita” being one of the biggest songs of the year, and their intense awards campaign of making out in public places, Shawn and Camila fell flat in this year’s GRAMMY nominations. They were nominated for Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, but weren’t included in Record or Song of the Year. Maybe now they can give their PR stunt of a relationship a rest?? Shawn was also probably hoping for nominations for “If I Can’t Have You,” which didn’t happen. Sad!
Okay, so maybe I was foolish to hope that the Jonas Brothers were going to get an Album of the Year nomination, but I’m a little surprised that “Sucker” didn’t sneak into Record of the Year. Like Shawn and Camila, they were only nominated for Pop Duo/Group Performance, which I guess is a small victory. If you had told me a year ago that the Jonas Brothers would be noninated for a GRAMMY in 2020, I literally wouldn’t have believed you. Still, I wanted more for them. Oh well, they’ll always have their Teen Choice Awards surfboards.
If you didn’t remember that Beyoncé released an album this year, low-key same. But her The Lion King: The Gift album actually got four nominations. For anyone else, this would basically be a dream scenario, but Beyoncé isn’t like anyone else. Along with last year’s joint album with Jay-Z, this is the second year in a row that Bey hasn’t gotten noms in the big four categories. I’m not saying The Gift was her absolute best work, but Beyoncé isn’t used to being relegated to the genre categories.
Ed Sheeran’s collaborations album had about 100 famous people on it, but the GRAMMY nominations voters weren’t impressed. He was nominated for Pop Vocal Album, but literally nothing else. Even Justin Bieber’s appearance on “I Don’t Care” wasn’t en0ugh for a single nomination. Now that Ed is taking an 18-month hiatus from music, I guess he’ll be absent from the GRAMMY nominations for the next couple of years, but it looks like the voters won’t even miss him that much.
This year’s GRAMMY Awards are on January 26th, so you have a couple months to make your final predictions. Personally, my bets are on a Lizzo sweep, but who knows if all the old people who actually vote for this sh*t will do what they should. And honestly, it’s not like it matters all that much. Cheers!
I think I’ve established, pretty vehemently actually, that I’m skeptical of everything that celebrities do. Yes, I still bring screenshots of their hair to my stylist, yes I still buy their sunglasses collaborations using their 20% discount codes, and yes, I monitor their social media accounts more closely than I do my friends and family members. But that doesn’t mean I’m so easily fooled! Only sometimes! And the one thing I will truly never believe is that any of their relationships are real. These people get paid to pretend! It’s easy for them! And I’m not just basing this on the fact that I personally can’t fathom why a rising actress would marry a Scientologist that jumps on couches, this is actually just a fact. Celebrities and publicists have even admitted to it. There are many reasons celebrity couples fake their relationships, whether it be for publicity, to keep a secret about themselves, or to horrify me with their fake kisses, the possibilities are endless! So let me tell you about my favorite couples that I BELIEVE (is that language cool, legal?) are faking it.
1. Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
So I think we all know by now that this one’s fake, right? We wrote about it extensively this past summer, as did anyone with eyeballs and the slightest hint of a pulse. Seriously, even the comatose were waxing poetic on the subject. So what’s the deal? Well, Camila and her boyfriend, dating coach Matthew Hussey (yes, apparently that’s a thing), broke up in June. Then, Camila and Shawn released “Señorita,” made a sexy music video, and bam! people thought they were together. They started teasing fans, until finally we got some aquatic makeout shots that I now see in my nightmares.
To me, it’s obvious this relationship is for publicity. I’m just saying, do not trust them!
^^Yes, this definitely helped your case.
2. Timothée Chalamet & Lily-Rose Depp
On to our second-worst fake kissers of the bunch. Timothée is a rising star who did something scandalous with a peach in a movie, I think? Unclear, since all I really watch is To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on repeat, but I think I definitely heard something about a fruit. Lily-Rose Depp is the daughter of a middle-aged man who dresses like a pirate and appears to have anger issues, among many other things. Oh, and he’s Johnny Depp, if that wasn’t clear. Timothée and Lily-Rose have been rumored to be dating a while, but now they’re in a movie, The King, together.
The movie premiered in Venice in September, and the two seemed normal. AND THEN. We get photos like this! (scroll, pls).
Is this just how the kids are kissing these days? Maybe I’m the weird one? I mean, when I was 18 we were still waiting for Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince THE BOOK to come out, so it’s been a while. (Yes, I do have an extensive anti-aging routine, thank you for your concern). Also, these pictures are clearly staged. Paparazzi do not get this close to celebrities on private property unless it’s sanctioned by the celebrity. And why would anyone WANT pictures like this out? For the publicity! I bet you all want to see The King, now, don’t you? See, it’s already working. Wake up, sheeple!!
3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson
Look, Kristen seems to be someone who is passionate in relationships! We all saw those cheating photos with Rupert Sanders. Obviously into each other. And she is all over her girlfriends these days! But when she was with Rob, did you ever see someone look more miserable in their life? And she’s an actress! It is her job to conceal her emotions and mask them with different ones! And yet the only emotion she could summon up with Rob was “bitter teenager forced to eat dinner with her mother’s new boyfriend.” And he was no better. The only vibes he was giving off were “I just ate something that disagreed with me and there’s no bathroom in sight.” True love? I don’t think so. Again, this seemed like a plot to get attention for the Twilight films, and their fanbase ate that sh*t right up, ponied up a ton of money for the movies, and some even maintain TO THIS DAY that Robsten is a secret couple.
4. Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston
Again, and this is all my opinion if anyone on Taylor Swift’s team is reading this… Staged, staged, staged. No self-respecting man not in it for the fame and power would wear a tank that says “I Heart TS” out in public if he wasn’t getting something really good out of it. Like, more-press-than-he-could-ever-dream-of kind of good. Yeah, Tom was famous before he dated Taylor, but like, famous with nerds, not famous-famous. This helped him get famous-famous, but in return he had to pay with his dignity. I think he may regret it. (Taylor Swift™ No copyright infringement intended. Property of TAS LLC Management 2019©)
And there you have it, my favorite ALLEGED fake couples! Did I miss anyone you guys are convinced are faking it? I’m all ears for your theories. Go!
Images: Shutterstock.com; giphy (2), shawnmendes, enews / Instagram
This week, everyone is busy making their favorite celebrities look older with the FaceApp old filter, and it’s really gotten me thinking about celebrities’ ages. We’ve talked before about some celebs who basically don’t age, but not everyone is older than they look. There are certain stars who are surprisingly young, whether they just look mature for their age, or it feels like they’ve been around forever.
While everyone knows you can stay young-looking by drinking lots of water, sticking to your skin care regimen, and getting lots of sleep (and minding your own business), looking older is a little more tricky. As someone who constantly gets told I have a baby face, I’d love to know how all these famous teenagers look so sophisticated. Here are some celebrities who are definitely younger than you think.
1. Shawn Mendes
Look at that fine-ass man and tell me you would have guessed that he is only TWENTY YEARS OLD. I am fully uncomfortable knowing how young Shawn Mendes is, because I am actively turned on by everything he does. He got famous on Vine, which should have been my first clue about his age, but it feels like his songs have already been on the radio for such a long time. Whatever, I’m still into it.
2. Zoë Kravitz
Despite the fact that she’s super gorgeous, I was surprised to find out recently that Zoë Kravitz is only 30 years old. I think because her parents are so famous, it just feels like she’s been around forever. She’s also much younger than most of her Big Little Lies costars, so it’s easy to forget that she was born in the late 80s.
3. Cardi B
Cardi B is one of those people who just kind of feels ageless. Like, I don’t actually think that she’s old, but she’s been through a lot in her life, and the fact that she and I were in high school at the same time just feels wrong. Okay, I can’t really picture her in high school at all, but you get what I mean. She’s only 26, and it will never not be strange that she and Ariana Grande are the exact same age. I’ve known this for months, but it still gets me every time.
4. Millie Bobby Brown
When Stranger Things first premiered, it made sense that all the kids on the show were actual kids. But now, Millie Bobby Brown has fully broken out as a major star, and she’s already turning into a mini fashion icon. She looks so sophisticated that I’m struggling to wrap my mind around the fact that she just turned 15 a few months ago. Did your skin look like that when you were 15? Because mine most certainly did not.
5. Sophie Turner
Sophie Turner was an actual kid when she was first cast on Game of Thrones, so it makes sense that she’s only 23. Still, she’s grown up fast, and she doesn’t really seem young at all. Her whole thing now is chugging wine on Instagram, which she couldn’t even legally do in the United States until a couple years ago! She’s cool af, so I’m not even mad that she’s younger than me.
6. Billie Eilish
Billie Eilish has quickly become one of the biggest stars in music, but I still get a lot of questions about who she is. That probably has something to do with the fact that she’s only 17, so a lot of adults are just now hearing about her. Billie is very talented, and her attitude is definitely something different, so I would expect she’ll be a major star for years to come. If you haven’t listened yet, catch tf up.
7. Noah Cyrus
Noah Cyrus actually looks a little like Billie Eilish, but like, with lip fillers and lash extensions. She’s slightly older than Billie, at 19, but she’s been on our radar for years thanks to her famous older siblings. Her music is cool, but her relationship drama (remember Lil Xan?) definitely feels like high school bullsh*t. She’ll grow out of it…maybe.
8. Bella Hadid
It’s truly insane that Bella Hadid is only 22. Depending on the photo, she can either look like she’s in her 20s or her 50s, and it really messes with my mind. She never looks old in a bad way, she just has such a mature looking face, mostly thanks to her cosmetic procedures, lol. 22-year-olds just aren’t supposed to look like this!
And before you come for me in the comments for saying people look old, everyone on this list looks great! When you’re 17, looking old isn’t really a bad thing. There are definitely other celebrities who are deceivingly young, but these are the ones who really made me do a double take. I mean…Shawn Mendes. That’s all.
Images: shawnmendes, zoeisabellakravitz, iamcardib, milliebobbybrown, sophiet, billieeilish, noahcyrus
After the whirlwind of celebrity weddings in the last couple weeks, we all need a new celebrity couple to focus on. Luckily, my attentions have been taken away from Brittany and Jax and refocused on two of the hottest young people in Hollywood: Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello. These two have known each other for a long time, but now it seems like their relationship might finally be at the next level. Let’s take a closer look at what’s going on with Shawn and Camila.
Back in 2015, when both Shawn and Camila were both just starting to get big, they released “I Know What You Did Last Summer” together. It was a bop, but everyone moved on pretty quickly. Fast forward to last month, when the two teamed up again for their new song “Señorita.” The song is catchy as hell, and it debuted at number two. Besides being a big hit for both of them, the steamy video ignited rumors that they’re romantically (or at least sexually) involved with each other. Seriously, watch the video, it’s hot as hell.
The video certainly isn’t proof that Shawn and Camila are together, but it’s hard not to get that kind of vibe from a video like this. But in the past week, Shawn and Camila have been caught by the paparazzi hanging out a few times, and it doesn’t seem like it’s a coincidence.
Here they are, leaving brunch together in West Hollywood on Sunday:
So like…they’re definitely f*cking. Or at least they want us to think that they are. In that second photo, she’s clinging on to him like she’s going to freeze to death without him, and it was not that cold in LA yesterday. I literally checked the weather.
Another important piece of evidence in this investigation is Shawn’s response when he was asked at a recent meet and greet if he’s dating Camila:
During a Q&A in LA, a fan asked @ShawnMendes if he was dating @Camila_Cabello. Mendes shook his head no. pic.twitter.com/Canynk3MvJ
— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) July 7, 2019
First of all, how f*cking awkward is that. Ladies, if you ever get to meet Shawn Mendes, don’t waste your time asking him out. He’s obviously going to say no, and it’s just going to be uncomfortable for both of you. He knows he’s pretty, so just leave him alone. But his response to the question about Camila is definitely interesting. He shakes his head like he’s saying no, but that could just be his disbelief that a fan actually had the balls to ask. Either way you look at it, this response just fuels the rumors more. Either it’s a half-assed denial, or a refusal to comment.
Shawn and Camila are very cute together, and I don’t doubt that they get along well with each other, but this whole ~relationship~ really feels like a PR move to me. Call me cynical, but any time two hot celebrities just happen to start dating when they have a project to promote together, I usually have to call bullsh*t.
When you think of how many celebrities manage to keep their relationship a secret for literal months or years, it doesn’t really seem like an accident that they’ve been caught by the paparazzi multiple times in less than a week. I’m not mad at the game that they’re playing, but I still know I’m getting played.
So when push comes to shove, are Shawn and Camila dating? Honestly, they might be. Whether it’s for publicity reasons or out of a genuine connection, I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing more of them together this summer. But I have serious doubts that this relationship will make it past the current promo cycle that they’re in. Also, Shawn is obviously supposed to end up with me, so he’ll have to dump Camila sooner or later. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Instagram: Shutterstock; Shawn Mendes / YouTube; TMZ_tv, camila_cabello / Instagram; PopCrave / Twitter
Sunday, December 2 was the biggest night of the year for body insecurity—I mean, since Thanksgiving (but maybe that’s just my family)—because we were all treated to the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I’d like to open with a few remarks. First of all, a big F*CK YOU to ABC and Victoria’s Secret, above all, for making this sh*t start at 10pm on a Sunday night when I should be
lying awake, crippled by anxiety about going back to work tomorrow asleep. Second of all, for making this sh*t exist in the first place. It’s 2018, we’re body positive now, sitting on my couch at 10pm watching tiny women who all somehow look alike prance down a runway while last year’s pop stars serenade them is not my idea of a good time. Like, didn’t Miss America even get rid of the bathing suit portion of their competition? It’s time to mix it up.
Fortunately, I have a few ideas for how the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show can be upgraded. Throw the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in with this b*tch. Maybe add a talent portion (because I can assure you, walking in a straight line and blowing the occasional kiss does not count as a talent—if it did, I would be far more successful than I am today). Maybe a couch-to-runway portion, where models eat half a Domino’s pizza and then model lingerie? Give the people what they want!
In any case, regressive or not, I reluctantly tuned into the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I missed the first performance due to connectivity issues, but tuned in to watch The Chainsmokers (aka the hot one pretending to play the guitar) and Kelsea Ballerini. I still have not figured out who Kelsea Ballerini is, to be honest. Is she from The Voice? Is she like, the Rita Ora of country music? Sure, I could Google it, but then who would be there in the comments to smugly correct me? She and The Chainsmokers (the other one was relegated to the back, my mistake, but he was there) perform some song I’ve never heard of.
Candice Swanepoel gets ready to walk down the runway. This is my favorite part—the soundbites of the underpaid PAs screaming “Go, Candice” to signal her trip down a flat strip of floor, as if she’s about to perform brain surgery and not just put one foot in front of the other. One of the Angels literally crosses herself backstage. I mean, I know someone did fall last year, but still, I can assure you, it is not that deep.
The theme to this line appears to be “random corsets”. It’s kind of like Candy Land mixed with Valentine’s Day? I’m sure that’s precisely what went on during the brainstorming meeting. Some models are wearing tiny sunglasses as if this weren’t filmed in November. The stage does look really cool, though.
We come back from the commercial break to a montage of Adriana Lima’s career as a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Lest we forget, Adriana is hanging up her wings after tonight. And when I decide to stop wearing lingerie in front of other people, they call it “letting yourself go”. This montage, though, is excellent. We move through Adriana’s awkward years—which, to be clear, are still better than any of us look on our best day—up until today. The most interesting part of this retrospective, I think, is the unintentional journey through women’s beauty standards. Initially, we see a stick-thin Adriana with arms that are smaller than my wrists, to now, where she appears to have been granted the ability to consume full-fat milk. Progress!
Adriana walks the runway in this gorgeous bejeweled hybrid between a bra and a shirt. How can I cop this bra for New Years Eve? Asking for myself. Adriana is crying, and I guess that’s how I’d feel on my last day of work too.
Immediately after this, Halsey performs, looking like a sexy white walker. (I don’t watch Game of Thrones, so you can let me know in the comments if that reference was accurate.) She’s got like, feathery eyebrows, I guess because if they didn’t put something stupid on Halsey’s face she’d look like an Angel and they wouldn’t want anyone to feel threatened. Halsey killed it, and I have nothing further to say on the matter.
This section is very “literal angel”—lots of white, lots of feathers. I guess it could also be winter. Whatever. One shining moment was getting to see Winnie Harlow walk down the runway, because it is about as far as VS will push the boundaries of what’s considered conventional beauty tonight.
Next, Bella Hadid walks down the runway and we cut to The Weeknd, clapping in the audience. I just want a guy to look at me with the mixture of admiration and bashfulness with which Abel looks at Bella, but I guess in order to achieve that I’d have to work out for hours every day and get some light plastic surgery… or so society would like me to believe!
We come back from commercial to footage of the models finding out they’re making the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. It’s kind of like watching a bunch of marriage proposals: a lot of screaming, crying, and tearful calls to loved ones.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
When we return to the show, it’s Bebe Rexha’s performance, and she’s wearing what is like, top half trench coat and bottom half ballerina outfit. It’s hot pink and garish. There are matching thigh-highs and a giant bow in the back. I imagine her conversation with her stylist went like this:
Stylist: How do you wanna look for the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show?
Bebe: Pink Panther, but make it sexy.
Stylist: Gotchu fam.
My favorite part of Bebe’s performance is the models who are half dancing down this runway (which, when your job is to walk, feels like cheating but ok), singing along to this song. How much do you think Bebe’s people had to pay them to pretend like they knew the words? Seriously, gun to your head, could any of you name a single Bebe Rexha song? And not like, a G-Eazy song where she’s featured on the hook—one of her own songs. I’ll wait.
The clothes being featured are the PINK line, and I didn’t even have to look at the garments closely to tell you that. I can tell that by the sheer amount of inappropriate sequins. What is this, 2000? Because that’s the last time I thought wearing a sequined striped referee top was a good idea.
After Bebe Rexha, it’s Shawn Mendes’ turn to perform, and this was a smart move on the part of the talent bookers for this show, seeing as being serenaded by Shawn Mendes is the only thing in this entire hour-long special that’s actually motivating me to purchase more underwear.
My favorite moment is when Gigi Hadid walks by, wearing a parachute strapped to her back. I get it, because I’m also thinking about jumping out the nearest window watching this.
Our regularly scheduled programming is interrupted by a Bachelor promo in which Colton holds a bunch of golden retriever puppies, who look like they would rather be anywhere else in the world than in his arms. I’m sure, come January, many of the women competing on the show will be able to relate.
Before we return to the show, we get a video of all the models’ fitness goals. Martha Hunt attempts to be relatable by saying her goal is to do 10 squats without breaking form (she has Scoliosis, so I guess this is actually difficult for her… fine). My fitness goals are to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain weight, so like, same thing.
After that, Rita Ora performs!! She’s wearing so much gold jewelry, it puts the Migos to shame. I don’t actually have anything bad to say about Rita; she can clearly sing and she looks good. As Behati Prinsloo walks by, they pan to Adam Levine, who is screaming after her. Once again, if my man isn’t going to show this type of loyalty, I don’t want him.
The theme of this collection is “we just realized people are pretending to like Rock ‘n Roll as a trend now”. Legit one of these shirts is cut up the sides and held together with safety pins, like I used to do for free with shirts I got at bar mitzvahs. And, literally the last look of this collection is straight out of Mugatu’s derelicte campaign.
I’m sorry, is that a trash bag?? With spray paint?? Oh wait, I get it: this entire show is one giant walk-off.
What I hope is the last performance of the evening is by “British rock band, The Struts.” And they need to qualify that because otherwise none of us would know who tf that is. Kendall Jenner finally gets her big moment in the sun—and that pun was intended since the theme to this collection is astrology. “What VS Bra Should You Wear According To Your Horoscope”—new article coming soon to Betches.
I have to pause for a moment here, because I’ve got to wonder why the rock band didn’t sing during the rock themed collection. I sincerely hope that, after reading this article, somebody will reach out to me to curate next year’s show. I’ve got good ideas! In any case, the one other positive moment from the show is what is sure to be the abundance of Kris Jenner memes. Behold, my blurry af screenshot of Kris Jenner filming Kendall walking down the runway:
First “thank u, next” and now this. What did we do to deserve this good fortune?? Additionally, I think Kris Jenner should just walk around with a camcorder at all times now.
And we’ve made it to the finale without incident. SNOOZE. Overall, I am disappointed nobody ate sh*t on the runway. One Kris Jenner meme does not a fashion show make. On the upside, I’ve been so distracted by how lame this show has been to even feel bad about my body. So there’s that!
Images: Getty Images (4); ABC