I think I’ve established, pretty vehemently actually, that I’m skeptical of everything that celebrities do. Yes, I still bring screenshots of their hair to my stylist, yes I still buy their sunglasses collaborations using their 20% discount codes, and yes, I monitor their social media accounts more closely than I do my friends and family members. But that doesn’t mean I’m so easily fooled! Only sometimes! And the one thing I will truly never believe is that any of their relationships are real. These people get paid to pretend! It’s easy for them! And I’m not just basing this on the fact that I personally can’t fathom why a rising actress would marry a Scientologist that jumps on couches, this is actually just a fact. Celebrities and publicists have even admitted to it. There are many reasons celebrity couples fake their relationships, whether it be for publicity, to keep a secret about themselves, or to horrify me with their fake kisses, the possibilities are endless! So let me tell you about my favorite couples that I BELIEVE (is that language cool, legal?) are faking it.
1. Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
So I think we all know by now that this one’s fake, right? We wrote about it extensively this past summer, as did anyone with eyeballs and the slightest hint of a pulse. Seriously, even the comatose were waxing poetic on the subject. So what’s the deal? Well, Camila and her boyfriend, dating coach Matthew Hussey (yes, apparently that’s a thing), broke up in June. Then, Camila and Shawn released “Señorita,” made a sexy music video, and bam! people thought they were together. They started teasing fans, until finally we got some aquatic makeout shots that I now see in my nightmares.
To me, it’s obvious this relationship is for publicity. I’m just saying, do not trust them!
^^Yes, this definitely helped your case.
2. Timothée Chalamet & Lily-Rose Depp
On to our second-worst fake kissers of the bunch. Timothée is a rising star who did something scandalous with a peach in a movie, I think? Unclear, since all I really watch is To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on repeat, but I think I definitely heard something about a fruit. Lily-Rose Depp is the daughter of a middle-aged man who dresses like a pirate and appears to have anger issues, among many other things. Oh, and he’s Johnny Depp, if that wasn’t clear. Timothée and Lily-Rose have been rumored to be dating a while, but now they’re in a movie, The King, together.
The movie premiered in Venice in September, and the two seemed normal. AND THEN. We get photos like this! (scroll, pls).
Is this just how the kids are kissing these days? Maybe I’m the weird one? I mean, when I was 18 we were still waiting for Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince THE BOOK to come out, so it’s been a while. (Yes, I do have an extensive anti-aging routine, thank you for your concern). Also, these pictures are clearly staged. Paparazzi do not get this close to celebrities on private property unless it’s sanctioned by the celebrity. And why would anyone WANT pictures like this out? For the publicity! I bet you all want to see The King, now, don’t you? See, it’s already working. Wake up, sheeple!!
3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson
Look, Kristen seems to be someone who is passionate in relationships! We all saw those cheating photos with Rupert Sanders. Obviously into each other. And she is all over her girlfriends these days! But when she was with Rob, did you ever see someone look more miserable in their life? And she’s an actress! It is her job to conceal her emotions and mask them with different ones! And yet the only emotion she could summon up with Rob was “bitter teenager forced to eat dinner with her mother’s new boyfriend.” And he was no better. The only vibes he was giving off were “I just ate something that disagreed with me and there’s no bathroom in sight.” True love? I don’t think so. Again, this seemed like a plot to get attention for the Twilight films, and their fanbase ate that sh*t right up, ponied up a ton of money for the movies, and some even maintain TO THIS DAY that Robsten is a secret couple.
4. Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston
Again, and this is all my opinion if anyone on Taylor Swift’s team is reading this… Staged, staged, staged. No self-respecting man not in it for the fame and power would wear a tank that says “I Heart TS” out in public if he wasn’t getting something really good out of it. Like, more-press-than-he-could-ever-dream-of kind of good. Yeah, Tom was famous before he dated Taylor, but like, famous with nerds, not famous-famous. This helped him get famous-famous, but in return he had to pay with his dignity. I think he may regret it. (Taylor Swift™ No copyright infringement intended. Property of TAS LLC Management 2019©)
And there you have it, my favorite ALLEGED fake couples! Did I miss anyone you guys are convinced are faking it? I’m all ears for your theories. Go!
Images: Shutterstock.com; giphy (2), shawnmendes, enews / Instagram