For the last six months, I’ve spent way more time than I care to admit focused on Colton Underwood’s virginity. From the moment he first appeared on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette (which feels like seven years ago), ABC and Mike Fleiss have been shoving Colton’s sexual history down Bachelor nation’s collective throats. From his relationship with Becca, to the drama in Paradise with Tia, to this never-ending season of The Bachelor, I think literally everyone in America has heard about Colton’s virginity. But what if Colton has been lying about his v-card the whole time? There’s new evidence, and we need to discuss.
Back in February, TMZ posted a Snapchat photo of a young Colton Underwood, with a caption that proudly proclaims “I f*cked a big tittied hoe last night.” Cute, love that. It’s obviously an old picture, because Colton looks about 21 years old. If the caption is real, it obviously blows Colton’s alleged virginity out of the water. But, let’s face it, a Snapchat photo can easily be Photoshopped, or Colton could have just been making a dumb joke. We’ve spent the last year watching his dumb sense of humor on TV, so this really wouldn’t be that shocking.
At the time, TMZ claimed that their sources said the photo was fake, so it didn’t get a ton of press. But this week, the photo resurfaced after Robby Hayes brought it up on the Bachelor Blab podcast. When asked about the topic of Colton Underwood’s virginity, he said “I personally don’t really think he’s a virgin. I saw that picture that came out, I’m sure you did too.” He didn’t stop there: “I actually got sent that picture about two months before it came out by my sister, because this person he sent it to is one of her friends, and so she was like, ‘Oh my God. He’s not a virgin.'”
When this story broke yesterday, I really didn’t know what to think. We all know that Robby Hayes is thirsty AF, and now that his 15 seconds of fame on Vanderpump Rules is over, this is a prime way for him to get some Google Alerts about himself. But still, what if all this is real? What if Colton has really spent an entire year lying to Chris Harrison and all of America, just so he could have a source of income after his failed football career?
My mental state after dealing with 9 months of Colton’s bullsh*t:
Then, last night, a dedicated Betchelor fan DMed us, and said that she was in possession of the fabled Colton Snapchat. Our source would prefer to remain anonymous, but she got the Snap from someone who went to high school with Colton, and is still in a Snapchat group with him. Of course, this still isn’t proof that Colton was being serious when he sent the photo, but it really sounds like it was a real Snap that he sent to people.
In the end, we’ll probably never know if Colton Underwood is (or was) truly a virgin, and I guess it doesn’t really matter that much. But also f*ck Mike Fleiss if he’s been dragging us through this virginity joke-laden hell for the last year and it’s all been a hoax. The end of Colton’s season is only a couple weeks away, and it honestly can’t come soon enough.
Images: ABC; @betches / Instagram; Giphy
I’ll admit it: I love a good, inane method of communication. (Poking on Facebook, pinging on Blackberry, you name it.) I also love seeing celebrities participate in dumb sh*t for a paycheck, which brings me to Cameo. Cameo is a service that allows you to send your friends messages in the form of a selfie video from a chosen celebrity. I’ll explain this a few more ways until it settles into your brain. Say you’re making happy hour plans. You could text your friend like a normal person—OR you could pay Kevin from The Office $145 to do it for you. (Oh yeah, celebrities on Cameo each have their own rate.) Naturally, I had to find out which celebrities actually signed up to become on-demand greeting cards—and the answers won’t disappoint you. Here are the weirdest, most random celebrities on Cameo and available for hire.*
*I don’t really do sports, so feel free to browse the athlete section on your own.
Ben Higgins ($50)
Oh Ben! I’d wondered where you went after Happily Ever After, but I didn’t think you’d fallen so far. First of all, $50 is way too low for the most charming Bachelor in recent history, especially when you see that Nick Viall is on here for $75. I actually feel like Ben would be a good choice for an interaction you’re a little nervous about, like telling your boyfriend that you adopted a dog while he was at work. Wouldn’t it just be harder to get upset looking at his bashful, country-boy eyes? Or am I just another crazed Higgins fan, waiting for my chance to kneel at his feet on live TV? Time will tell.
Other Bachelor cast members: Ashley and Jared ($65), Robby Hayes ($50), Corinne Olympios ($40), Chris Harrison ($425)
James Kennedy ($100)
And now, the one that I am personally most likely to use. James has been deeply up against it this season of Vanderpump Rules, by which I mean he has faced some consequences for his actions. As a result, he has looked like a wounded dog with lifeless eyes in every scene for the past two weeks, and I can think of no one less equipped to be sending out cheerful videos for hire. For reference, you could have Scheana record the same message for $75, but at least James’ version would be less likely to include an orgasm.
Billy Zane ($500)
With Billy Zane, we’ve moved out of what I’m calling the “small players” ($200 and under) and into the major leagues. For a cool $500, you can have the villain from Titanic wish your parents a happy anniversary. Or tell your boss you’re taking the rest of the week off. I don’t really understand how or why Billy Zane has become such a punch line in pop culture, but I do kind of feel like a video message from him could ruin my day. Sorry Billy, I’ll always be Team Leo!
Stormy Daniels ($666)
Got any politically minded friends? Devoted readers of The ‘Sup who regularly ruin brunch with depressing updates from the outside world? Show them that you’re paying attention with a very current $666 video message from none other than Stormy Daniels. If nothing else, you’ll be helping her pay off those legal fees.
Caitlin Jenner ($1,000)
Finally, if you’re really looking for a splurge: Caitlin Jenner. As the most expensive option on this list, she is also one of the only two whose profession is listed as “Icon.” (Most include titles like “TV Star” or “Reality Star,” or the name of the series they’re on). The other icon on this list is “George Jung aka ‘Boston George,’” an American drug trafficker who was played by Johnny Depp in the movie Blow. A message from this famed criminal is only $65, so up to you which “icon” you’d like to go with. I’d also like to note that Caitlin Jenner is the only member of the Kardashian/Jenner clan on this site.
Other usual suspects are on this site—Bella Thorne ($110), Snooki ($300). What I’ve learned from this research is that I love listing celebrities’ names with prices attached, and it is possible that reality TV pays less well than I thought. Hopefully these celebrities on Cameo have brightened your day as much as mine.
Images: Giphy (3)
On a scale of 1 to Jennifer Aniston’s nipples in every episode of Friends, how excited are you for season 7 of Vanderpump Rules? The show hasn’t even aired a trailer for the upcoming season, but they’re clearly filming their juiciest episodes yet. How do we know this? Their social media drama, of course! Social media is an echo chamber of narcissism, debauchery, and bullsh*t, so obviously it’s where attention whores who have no other creative outlet or means to find contentment or validation reign king. Here’s the lowdown on the juiciest Vanderpump Rules social media drama this summer.
Lala Kent’s Following List
Lala Kent is the realest b*tch on the show. Well, not externally, because she’s pumped full of silicone and fillers. But as your middle school guidance counselor said, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” Not that you listened to her, because she wore adult braces and bought clothes from Talbots, but it totally applies here. Anyway, Lala is very selective with who she follows, so her following list on Instagram is always a good go-to to see what’s up. Who is she following? Logan Noh, who spread rumors that he had a gay affair with James Kennedy, with whom Lala is not on good terms at the moment. The enemy of your enemy is your ride-or-die, right?
But who isn’t she following? First off, her own fiancé. And he doesn’t follow her back. How very Justin Bieber of him. But she legit did that to keep him under wraps and the cat’s kinda out of the bag because he proposed to her and gave her an engagement ring so big you can see it from the 405. Even more interesting, though? She’s not following Billie Lee anymore, who she was buddy-buddy with last season. We’ll get to that in a moment.
Chrissy Teigen’s Tweets
Chrissy Teigen is known for being pretty candid on Twitter as much as she’s known for being obsessed with Vanderpump Rules, so it was juicy AF when she told all 10 million of her followers that there’s a couple of “Vanderpumpers” she does NOT like.
For the record, any interaction I’ve had with kim or nene has been delightful. And hilarious. All the housewives, really. There was only one vanderpumper that needed a good push back down to earth
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 24, 2018
Who could that “Vanderpumper” be? My money’s on Scheana because…well, I’m mature enough to admit I’m immature enough to be biased and I just do not like her. But whatever. No personal questions, please.
Jax Taylor’s Instagram Freakout
Jax Taylor is prone to a lot of social media hate, and he is quicker with the block button than Jonathan Cheban is. But he rarely goes on social media rants. For example, he could’ve easily stuck up for his now-fiancée Brittany when she was being body-shamed, but he didn’t. He could’ve stuck up for James Kennedy after he threw James under the bus and made up a rumor that he cheated on Raquel with Kristen, but he didn’t. So he decided to pick a really weird hill to die on: when someone told him that they hoped his dog gets run over by a car. Whoa. Way harsh, Tai.
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Say what you want about me, I give zero fucks if you like me or not, but if you go after people or animals that don’t have a voice you deserve everything that comes your way, make no mistake it’s social media absolutely no reason for this kind of behavior, it’s calculated. Saying Sorry will not work with me. I have ZERO tolerance for this, you have been warned. You want to be “cute” or “brave” or think you are funny, you have that right. But I will find you. This has to end now. Build others up that don’t have a voice in life make everyone feel special. I am not bullying this “college girl who is apparently smart enough to be in school but not smart enough to not bully people on social media. The “I am sorry” or the “poor me” will not work with me. And all ignoring does is allow more school shootings, more suicides it has to fucking start somewhere. Learn from this move on and change your ways, turning your head and ignoring in this day and age does nothing. I am tired of it. Enjoy your day. You all deserve to be happy. And lastly I am not saying to attack anyone or even this person I am saying this so people are aware of what is going on and to report them. It’s a shame I had to use this person as an example but it has to start somewhere.
Look, as any sorority girl would tweet, “I honestly love dogs more than boys,” and that’s true. Dogs being better than humans is an incontrovertible truth. But Jax throwing a sorority girl level fit on social media is just kinda weird. Like, you’ll let people insult you and your friends on the regular, but this is where you draw the line? I guess Lisa’s Vanderpump Dogs foundation has been really making an impact on Jax.
Billie Lee’s Feud With The Entire ‘VPR’ Cast
Okay, so last season was one big competition to see who could be the most vocal about how inspiring and wonderful Billie Lee is. And it’s true—her journey is incredible. But this summer the claws finally came out on social media. And it’s about damn time, because science shows that the amount of inspirational quotes you post on social media is directly proportional to how ridiculous you are in real life. Okay, that study hasn’t happened yet, but I’m currently crowdsourcing the funding for it, so hit me up in the comments. But for real, science has already proven that those gym selfies you take may make you a narcissist, so it’s only a matter of time before Harvard gets on studying inspirational quotes too.
Anyway, Billie Lee first caught our eye on Instagram when she called everyone out about being excluded in the planning of SUR ladies’ night, and wasn’t tagged in a picture promoting the event. Stassi and Tom called her melodramatic, and since it’s Vanderpump Rules, this was only the beginning. A few weeks later, Billie posted an Instagram about hosting a brunch with James Kennedy and threw some shade at some of her SUR family, most of whom were off partying in Mexico.
Billie Lee and the whole gang still follow each other after the tiff over ladies’ night, but interestingly enough, she and Lala don’t follow each other. Could she be the rotten egg Billie Lee was throwing shade at?
Kristen Doute Calling Corinne Olympios Satanic
Look, in terms of star quality, Doute’s gone downhill. She’s no longer Crazy Kristen, and she doesn’t deliver when it comes to quotes that I can use in reaction gifs, my Hinge bio, or on my tombstone. And Corinne hasn’t really been delivering either in those departments since her Bachelor days. A Doute vs. Olympios brawl is very interesting me to me, and also very necessary for their careers. So it was deliciously dramatic when Kristen dropped this gem on her Instagram story:
Corinne has yet to respond, but I have been waiting with bated breath for the story behind this. Kristen, please deliver!
Adam Firing Shots At “Haters”
Okay, so we were wrong: Scheana and Robby Hayes weren’t dating. It was probably just a publicity stunt. But we were right about Adam and Scheana hooking up! Looks like Scheana has a type: guys that are so vain that they probably FaceTune their own d*ck pics. Much like Billie Lee, Adam really didn’t deliver on the drama last season. He was literally used as a prop. So Adam followed in Billie Lee’s footsteps and decided to start sh*t on Instagram. And he decided to do it with a pic of Scheana with a caption that was a sophomoric attempt at shade.
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ADAM IS USING SCHEANA FOR CAMERA TIME SCHEANA IS USING ADAM AS A REBOUND GUY ADAM IS A BROKE BAR BACK SCHEANA HAS HAD SO MUCH “WORK DONE” ADAM LOOKS SO “METHY” I HATE SCHEANA’S VOICE ADAM HAS ZERO PERSONALITY SCHEANA LOOKS ANOREXIC CAN THEY PLEASE STOP PUSHING ADAM ON US SCHEANA IS GETTING FAT ISN’T HE THE GUY THAT SHE TRIED TO SET BRITTANY UP WITH ADAM IS SO THIRSTY ANYONE ELSE>SCHEANA AND ADAM YEAH YEAH WE KNOW -Scheana and Adam????
Adam is really taking a page out of Taylor Swift’s playbook here, thinking that acknowledging that you know the criticisms people are leveling at you amounts to any sort of real response or ownership of your actions. It doesn’t, so take your fingers off the caps lock, k?
Shay Firing Shots At Scheana
Finally! Some fire from Shay! It’s always fun to get some new blood in the mix. You probably remember Shay from the first few seasons of Pump Rules. If you don’t remember him, I forgive you because he was pretty forgettable. His silent demeanor was often eclipsed by Scheana being…well, Scheana. During the reunion, Scheana was weirdly singing Shay’s praises after airing him and his personal problems out for ratings (and attention). She said Rob was quick to break up with her because of the show, while Shay stuck by her. Aww, so sweet. Does that mean they’ve kissed and made up?
Oops, guess not.
Long story short, this season is going to be amazing. Buckle up, betches.
Well, fam, we’re back for (supposedly) the last week of this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started trying to convince the contestants to make soft core porn with food a thing before each rose ceremony.
This week we’ll find out which couples will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as my leftover Chinese food has been sitting in the fridge, and which couples will break up, having just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. *cough* Venmo John *cough, cough*. Shall we get started?
The episode opens with Kamil still talking about the Russian witch hunt. He’s like “she burned my picture in a fire, she’s definitely a witch,” which is literally something my ex has said about me so, what’s your point, Kamil? Hmm?
The next natural transition here is to introduce a date card into the mix. Joe mentions he’d like a date card because he’s never gotten one before and would like to solidify things with Kendall so production gives it to Jordan. ABC, why do you want me to burn your studios to the ground so bad?
Jordan asks Jenna on the date and it’s going to involve some sort of photoshoot, which I’m sure is code for softcore porn. Mark my words. And it’s wedding themed! I guess ABC was tired of sh*ting directly on the sanctity of marriage and decided to try their hand at perverting engagement photo shoots instead. This should be good. *turns up volume*
JENNA: I’m nervous about this photo shoot. I’m nervous about fake getting engaged. I’m nervous about my feelings for Jordan.
JORDAN: Not now, honey, you’re blocking my light!
Okay, why is Jenna acting like such an anxious freak rn? Could it be the drugs, or is it because they’re making her put on a wedding dress in front of a man she’s been dating for 9 days? I didn’t know she was capable of such rational thought, but okay.
Robby Hayes walks into Paradise and I’m confused as to why new men are still showing up. Is this not the finale? ABC DO NOT PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS.
CASSIE: Robby is going to have a hard time here because everyone knows what a piece of sh*t he was to Amanda.
So naturally Shushanna, who has turned down literally every semi-nice guy to walk into Paradise, starts foaming at the mouth at the sight of Robby and his drawn on eyebrows. Damn, this girl is a psycho and I love it.
Robby asks Shu on the date and she accepts because
literally every other girl turned him down first she thinks he felt a connection with her. Godddd this date is so boring. They go on some sort of dinner/date combo that can be summed up in this entire exchange:
SHU: Apparently I’m a witch so be careful.
ROBBY: That’s okay, I bet you’re good in bed.
While the Russian and Robby are on their date, Jordan gathers the girls around to tell them the bedtime story of how Robby screwed over Amanda Stanton and there were receipts to prove it. Ah, yes, I believe I’ve heard of that one before. Scarier than the boogeyman. Meanwhile, Jenna hears the words “douchebag” and “cheater” and looks longingly into the distance.
Cut to Shu and Robby’s date and it actually seems to be going pretty well? Idk how this girl is doing it because I could not take a date with Robby and his blinding veneers seriously.
Back at the beach, the rest of the couples are trying to figure out if their relationships will make it past the tequila shots they took this summer. Doubtful.
Joe tells Kendall that he sees a future with her outside of Paradise and she looks like he just told her she should go lick their communal bathroom floor. MY GOD KENDALL. If you were so petrified of commitment why did you go on a show TWICE where the end goal is engagement? I swear to f*cking god, Kendall, I will skin your ungrateful body and hang it on my wall if you don’t start returning Joe’s love.
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS, KENDALL??
Wait. Tonight’s a rose ceremony? Lol they’re still doing that? I figured production had abandoned them to tequila and their own devices at this point, but okay.
There’s only one rose that’s up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s. She gets to choose between Diggy, who is goddamn snack, or Venmo John, who can offer her
the world a rose next week but only if another girl doesn’t walk in first. This choice is so hard!!
Elsewhere, Kendall tells Joe that she loves him but she’s not in love with him and I’ve never wanted to cut someone so much in my entire life. She’s like “we just have doubts about this whole thing” and Joe goes “please stop saying ‘we’ because you know that’s not how I feel.” PLEASE STOP SAYING WE. I AM DEAD.
KENDALL: I don’t know if I’m in love with Joe.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
OMG Joe is leaving?? Just like that? Tbh I didn’t think it was possible, but Joe comes out of this looking even better than before. Joe, call me.
Side note: I’m just imagining these two being stuck at the airport together actively not looking at each other and having their producers speak for them. You know Chris Harrison is somewhere saying “Oh, sorry! We booked you on the same flight. Budget cuts, you understand!”
Meanwhile, we’re still doing the rose ceremony I guess EVEN THOUGH LOVE IS DEAD. Fine. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Cassie picks Kiwi Jordan
- Shushanna picks Robby
- Annaliese picks Kamil
- Astrid picks Kevin
- Krystal picks Chris
- Jenna picks Jordan
- Olivia picks… Venmo John?! WHAT. I guess nerds are so in this season.
Cut to the next morning and Chris Harrison drags everyone away from the bar long enough to let them know that no new people will be coming to Paradise. He’s like “if you do not leave this beach rn you will be contractually obligated to get engaged by the end of this, k?”
He leaves and couples start abandoning ship left and right. Venmo John after promising to always choose Olivia at the rose ceremony, immediately stutters out that he’s not ready for anything serious but, like, maybe they can hang out when they both get back to LA? So sweet. Cassie and Kiwi Jordan also call it quits.
Lol did Robby just tell Shu “have a nice summer, we’ll hang out soon”?? He might as well have said “don’t expect me to speak to you at Bachelor reunions but do expect me to DM you naked mirror selfies.” Ah, Robby Hayes, please
never change die in a fiery car crash already.
Wait. Do they not even get to say goodbye to their friends first? Or finish their breakfast? What about Kevin’s eight-egg omelette, Chris?! You savage.
Kevin and Astrid are up next and I have a feeling Kevin is about to say some dumb shit for no reason.
KEVIN: *opens mouth to speak*
ME: You should be wearing a helmet.
Kevin keeps saying how into Astrid he is, but how he has doubts about progressing their relationship to the next step in the fantasy suite. What? Does he think she’ll be bad in bed or something?
ASTRID: What do you have doubts about?
KEVIN: Well for starters, if I say no to the fantasy suite do I still get my grand slam breakfast?
Kevin says he has doubts about going into a fantasy suite again because he shouldn’t have gone into one with “someone else” and omg he’s totally talking about Ashley I. and her V-card.
WAIT. And now he’s dumping her? This sh*t is literally bananas. Like, Kevin displays more passion over his homemade salad dressings and eight-egg omelette than he is over Astrid rn. Hope that balsamic vinaigrette will suck your d*ck at night, Kevin!
Chris and Krystal, Annaliese and Kamil, and Jordan and Jenna are all going to the fantasy suites. Literally none of these couples should be getting engaged. Like, I can’t even believe they are making us entertain the possibility that any of these couples made it past Labor Day.
Moving on to the fantasy suites. Annaliese just asked Kamil if he could imagine himself with a girl like her and he came up with a very long convoluted answer that meant nothing but definitely got him laid. I’m sure when we find out at the reunion that he’s been sliding into other girls’ DMs, he’ll blame that little slip up on the language barrier. I see right through you, Kamil!
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A fantasy so “suite” with my favorite polish sausage. . . . . . . #polishboy #polishsausage #sausage #mexicanpolishkielbasa #polishkielbasa fantasysuite #bip #suitelife #sweetfantasy #fantasyorreality #datenight #love #romantic #bachelor #bachelorinparadise #mexico #summer @bachelorinparadise @vidanta @kamiloo
Meanwhile, Jordan is wearing a monochromatic outfit and telling Jenna he’s in love with her. Jenna says that she thinks God brought Jordan to her and it’s like please don’t bring God into this. God officially would like to be excluded from this narrative.
Jordan just stopped their make out session to fix his hair and my body shriveled up a little. And on that note, I’m out! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see which of these couples will actually
get engaged spit on the sanctity of marriage. See you betches then!
As tough as it is to accept, everyone deserves love, even the people you love to hate the most. And you know what? It’s kind of sweet when two scummy people find love together, because it’s like they suck so much that they deserve each other. Just think: Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne. Bella Thorne and Mod Sun. And now, Vanderpump Rules’ Scheana and Robby Hayes. They’re reality TV’s new golden couple, if the gold is merely spray paint. As much as I can’t stand the sound of Scheana’s voice and Robby’s very existence makes me question my own will to live, I’ve got to admit these two are perfect for each other. Here are 5 reasons Scheana and Robby Hayes were actually meant to be together.
1. Their Cringeworthy “Careers”
There are few careers that are more cringeworthy than being a professional reality television star, chief among them being an “influencer.” The job literally entails FaceTune, FitTea, and fake followers, and only Robby and the girls that I work out with at DogPound are shameless enough to call themselves “influencers” and expect people to take them seriously. And let’s not forget Scheana’s side hustle: her illustrious music career, which she’s been pursuing on and off throughout Vanderpump Rules. How can we forget that time she claimed she was always told that she looked and sang like Britney Spears? It was probably one person who told her that, one time, and that person was Helen Keller. Robby and Scheana’s shamelessness when it comes to their “careers” makes them the perfect match!
2. Scheana Will Never Have To Stop Saying “Rob”
What’s more of an abomination on the ears than “Good as Gold?” (Besides Laura Leigh’s speaking voice that made her sound like Minnie Mouse if she is only capable of breathing in helium, I mean.) Answer: Scheana carrying on and on about Rob Valletta. It was seriously like she had Tourette’s, and her tick was not-so-humble brags about Rob. Her excuse for incessantly talking about him this season was that she smokes a lot of weed and can be so forgetful when she’s high that she will get really repetitive. The only thing I repeat when I’m high is stuffing my face with junk food several times in a row, so I’m calling bullshit on that one. Since she’s dating Robby now, she’ll never have to stop saying “Rob.” She can just say that she’s calling Robby “Rob” because he should be going by a name that doesn’t make it sound like he’s still in junior high anyway. It’s a win-win.
3. They Essentially Have The Same Roles On Their Shows
Robby and Scheana aren’t exactly the villains on their shows. They don’t concoct schemes to sabotage others, and they generally don’t try to start shit with others unless provoked. In fact, they both want to be liked—almost to a fault. Yet we find them so very irritating, even more so than the actual villains on their shows. If anything, we love the Stassis and the Chads of their respective shows because at least they’re charismatic, have a backbone, and their screen caps are so memorable that they make good lines for Hinge bios and memes. Scheana and Robby are both pretty spineless, so honestly I’m not sure how they ever get anything done together. I’m also pretty sure not having a backbone is how Scheana is able to stick her ass out so far for her Instagram pics, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.
4. They’re VERY Conscious Of Their Social Media Presences
In the world of influencers, Robby Hayes and Scheana are basically a low-rent Alexis Ren and Jay Alvarrez. We wouldn’t be able to recognize them without a Snapchat filter or copious amounts of FaceTune, and if we’re being honest, we don’t know how they recognize themselves when they look into a mirror without any sort of editing. Just think of all the cheesy photos we’ll have to endure of them fake laughing, kissing, and looking off into the distance as if they’re as profound as the motivational quotes they use as captions. Just think about how their wedding gift bags will just be FitTea, Diff eyewear, and Lokai bracelets. And before I lose you because you’re rolling your eyes so hard, at least think about all the passive-aggressive posts they’ll make once they break up. Okay, are you excited now?
5. They Can Share Hair And Makeup Products
Robby Hayes is so into his appearance that he puts pageant queens, Arizona State sorority girls, and Met Gala attendees to shame. Even Tom Sandoval is all, “This guy is a bit much,” and Sandoval has a braid guy on speed dial and shaves his forehead. We can’t even imagine the beauty regimen Robby does every day. We’re sure it’s inspired by that scene in every finance frat bro’s (and probably Robby’s) favorite movie, American Psycho, where Patrick Bateman recites his morning ritual. No one would empathize with the amount of effort this guy puts into his looks more than Scheana. I mean, would you even recognize her without mink eyelashes and copious amounts of fake tanner? How can we forget that time Schwartz called Scheana a “bootleg Kardashian?” You know a relationship is #goals when you have a date night at DryBar and invest in La Mer skincare products together.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
As I reflect on Monday’s Vanderpump Rules finale, I’m grateful for a few things. 1) Lisa’s face as she gleefully bankrupts the two Toms, 2) Human fedora Patrick is out of Stassi’s life, 3) Scheana’s airtime was limited to five minutes. Bless. Of course, it took Scheana exactly zero days to get herself back in the news. This time, it’s for hosting a “viewing party” of the VPR finale with Ronnie Ortiz-Magro of Jersey Shore. Hmm, Scheana hanging out with a male reality star for attention? Where have we heard that before? I guess I’d be pretty desperate to distract from that season 6 performance too. But hitting up a Jersey Shore reboot cast member in the midst of his v public, v messy baby-mama feud? Has to be a new low. Here are the other D-list celebs Scheana’s
tried to pretend she’s dating on Instagram been linked to this year.
Scheana, when even your mom is roasting you like this, you know it’s bad:
Scheana Marie's mom told her she looked 'crazy' on #PumpRules due to obsession with Rob https://t.co/4aetrkdAXp
— Vanderpump Rules (@VanderpumpRules) April 30, 2018
Around January, Bravo gossip started circulating that Scheana had hooked up with Summer House cast member Carl Radke. This wasn’t explicitly Scheana’s doing, to be fair. Kristen and Stassi were the first to spread this rumor, expanding on their favorite hobby of ruining lives via podcast. But Scheana then immediately took to Twitter, making a huge deal out of how totally not true these rumors were. If she was actually trying to shut these rumors down, she was about as effective as with the Toca Madera rumors. But I’m more inclined to think she was just thrilled to hear her name coming out of Andy Cohen’s mouth.
For what it’s worth, Carl ended up confirming that he hooked up with Scheana twice on Watch What Happens Live. His ex-girlfriend Lauren Wirkus specified that he meant making out, not sex, which Scheana of course also immediately responded to on Twitter. Honestly, thank God WWHL doesn’t have a call-in feature—Scheana would never leave the house again.
Scheana: *makes a bad joke about Kristen being thirsty*
Last thing I will say about this BS. In the words of Stassi, @kristendoute idk what I’ve done to you, but I’ll GET you a Pinot Grigio. Looking pretty thirsty over there… ????????♀️
— ????️????Scheana (@scheana) January 30, 2018
Scheana’s mom: (*furiously types even worse joke about Stephen being thirsty*) You’re doing amazing sweetie!!!!
So @stephenmcgeeee Because Scheana knew where "cups" were at his apt that means they had sex? So lame…Maybe she can get you a cup…you sound a little thirsty! ???? https://t.co/AvnunCob3Q
— Erika van Olphen (@erikavanolphen) January 30, 2018
Next, Scheana briefly tried to convince everyone she was dating Bachelor Nation’s Robby Hayes. (Quick background: Robby was first on JoJo’s season, then went on Bachelor in Paradise, met Amanda Stanton, cheated on her, and weirdly Tweeted a bunch of their emails a few weeks ago. Actually, he could be a perfect match for Scheana.) On February 28, Scheana posted an Instagram of herself with this charmer. And of course, she captioned it with the classic “please start rumors about us” . (I guess that caption has since been changed?)
When asked about their relationship, Scheana has maintained that they’re just “good friends” who “get each other” and live in “similar worlds” (aka fake reality TV worlds). Beyond the fact that this sounds like code for “we bang sometimes and the conversation in between doesn’t make me want to kill myself,” I fail to see how Scheana would have just naturally stumbled upon this “friendship.” Scheana Someone DM’ed Robby someone to make this connection, and it’s probably the person posting sus Instas about it later. In other words, it’s notable that Robby has never posted anything of Scheana. (Though maybe he just doesn’t have his iPhone welded to his hand like Scheana does.)
Either way, in a classic Carl “please keep paying me please care about me” Radke fashion, Robby couldn’t resist giving US Weekly this final quote: “Whether we have moved on from our unsuccessful love stories on television to our own is still up in the air.” Barf. These two really should date.
Finally, we get to last night’s encounter. Apparently, Ronnie had a rough Monday: in the midst of an argument over whether (now-ex) girlfriend Jen Harley had “sex videos” with an ex, the couple decides to livestream this shit. Highlights include Jen’s packed boxes in the background, Ronnie screaming “put your fucking hands on me again I dare you,” and, presumably, the quiet sound of their one-month old baby being scarred for life.
So, how does a Jersey Shore cast member unwind from a day like that? Apparently, drives directly over to Scheana’s house so she can film the entire evening and upload it to Instagram. Jesus. Guess there’s really no scandal too private or dark for Scheana not to want to get in on the 15 minutes of fame. I mean, it’s a little too much of a coincidence that the first time they’re hanging out is the day Ronnie’s name is exploding in the news, right? And if you needed any further evidence that Scheana is desperate for more attention, she says the following in her story. “I mean, while watching the Vanderpump Rules finale, we have our own reality show in my condo.”
No Scheana, you do not. In order for something to become a reality show, there has to be an audience for it. And—please believe me—people do not want to see more of you right now.
I’d yell at Scheana a little for not looking out for other women here (any footage of Ronnie other than him quietly weeping was probably rough for Jen to watch), but let’s not pretend she’s ever cared about that. At this point, I’m just getting genuinely concerned about her need to Instagram all moments of her life. (New theory: maybe she fakes crying on the reunion next week and runs out just to be with her iPhone?)
If we’ve learned anything from Rob/Scheana + Stassi/Patrick this season, it’s that if you’re the only one talking about the “relationship,” you’re probably the only one who thinks it exists. So until a guy comes forward and says “I’m dating Scheana,” I’m going to have to start disregarding this nonsense.
That concludes today’s round-up of Scheana’s extreme thirst. Stay tuned for the day when Scheana posts her next “look at my reality boyfriend” Insta and “accidentally” tags Rob on her tit. I personally can’t wait.
UPDATE: Maybe five seconds before we were about to publish this, Scheana opened her mouth again. I literally cannot keep up with this
manic episode endless stream of thirst. In an E!News article, Scheana “speaks out” about Ronnie’s relationship, sharing the kind words that “not everyone can work, not everyone is compatible.” Welp, I guess she’d know.
She also snidely mentions that “they weren’t together very long before she got pregnant,” as evidence that the couple was beyond repair. All pretty rich coming from someone who made the comment “I know a family is something I want one day whether it’s with Rob or Joe from down the street.” So yeah. Maybe don’t be taking shots at women for their sub-par family planning. All in all, this is the Scheana commentary no one asked for, on a situation she has nothing to do with, in the latest of her many sad attempts to have people give a shit. I think I speak for everyone when I say she should pull a T-Swift and cleanse from social media ASAP. Just please god don’t follow it up with an “edgy” new album.
Images: Twitter (3); Instagram (1); Giphy (2)
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious af. Listen and subscribe here!
Here’s some interesting—depending on how you define the word “interesting”—news for Bachelor Nation: Amanda Stanton is writing a tell-all memoir entitled It Feels Good To Stick Up For Yourself. Who could have seen that coming? All of us.
According to Amanda, the book will contain “a little bit” about her relationships with Josh Murray and Robby Hayes, which leaves me wondering…wtf else will be in the book? Parenting tips for when you’re on four reality dating shows? A step-by-step guide to being incredibly basic? Pictures of The Twins? Unclear.
Amanda also promised that her book will be more “positive” than the shade fest that was Andi Dorfman’s book. Amanda told E News, “I am still a very positive person and whatever relationship drama I’m going through, I always do try to be positive. At the end of the day, my book is going to be more positive than some tell-all trashing people.”
First of all, replace the word “positive” with “boring” and I think you’ll have a way more clear picture of what Amanda was trying to say here. Second of all, aren’t you the girl in my feed posting photos of her ex-sort-of-boyfriend cheating on her attached to cryptic Taylor Swift lyrics? Is that not you, Amanda? Lmk, because if its not, you’ve been seriously hacked by someone who fucking loves Taylor Swift. Honestly, weirder things have happened.
Speaking of the whole Robby/Amanda debacle, is that what It Feels Good To Stand Up For Yourself is referring to? Because if so, might I suggest changing the name to It Feels Good To Roast Your Shitty Ex On Social Media For MY 154K Adoring Followers. It’s not as catchy, but I think it better expresses what you’re going for.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!
Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything
for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.
Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.
Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison
emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.
^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn
Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.
Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.
So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!
Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.
Lacey is the first one
on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?
LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY
desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?
DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.
Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.
JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.
Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.
“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.
*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.
My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.
Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.
Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!
It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA??
I. AM. SHOOK.
Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:
Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.
Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.
ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?
AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.
THE FANTASY SUITE DATE
The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.
Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.
Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.
Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to
emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.
GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?
Yes, yes you did.
Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she
can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.
AFTER THE FINAL
TEQUILA SHOT ROSE
Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.
Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.
Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.
CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?
DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.
CORINNE: I am also in therapy.
Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!
Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?
They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…
They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.
DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*
GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?
Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.
Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA.
That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.
And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a
father figure free babysitter for her kids.
Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.
Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.
Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.
CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?
DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?
And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.
So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is
a boob job an open mind and an open heart.
Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?
Whatever. I guess Derek
has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.
Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.
The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very
staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.
Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!