The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings

The winter months are finally behind us, and we are entering into the most beautiful season of the year. Wedding season! There’s almost always an open bar, shrimp cocktail, and the potential you’ll make out with your step-cousin. What’s not to love? In fact, I’m currently looking forward to my brother’s wedding, where, with the help of my unlimited Bar Method membership, I plan on outshining everyone and calling it “Cait’s Big Day.” See! These things are fun!

But I hate to break it to you: no matter how awesome your sorority sister Deborah’s all-inclusive Cabo nuptials were, they were a mere dumpster fire compared to the opulent events that celebrities throw for their weddings . I guess when you made a billion dollars on a sex tape, why not get married in a castle for the publicity to celebrate the third time you found your true love? It doesn’t make a mockery of the sanctity of marriage at all! This year, the main event we’re all waiting for this year is the marriage of the King and Queen of Extra, J.Lo and A-Rod, where I’m sure as a party trick they’ll have Instagram models lighting stacks of hundreds on fire, and serve champagne spiked with liquid gold. But since we don’t know exactly when that’s coming, I’ve decided to take a look back at the most expensive celebrity weddings of all time. Proceed with caution, because these numbers have been known to cause extreme jealousy and even rage blackouts.

1. Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra

You can’t mention extravagant weddings and leave out our most recent gluttonous celebrants, The Hottest Jonas Brother ™ and his Bollywood star bride, Priyanka Chopra. Nick and Priyanka had not one, not two, but THREE wedding ceremonies, all in the hopes of luring Duchess Meghan to just one, but apparently she was busy making Kate Middleton cry or whatever. Kidding! I mean, not kidding about the three weddings, I would never joke about something like that. I’m kidding about them trying to trap Meghan Markle into coming, I’m sure they know she already dropped them faster than ABC dropped Quantico.

One of the weddings (don’t ask me which one, I’m already exhausted from this story and I have numerous disgustingly ostentatious weddings to go), took place at the Umaid Bahwan Palace, a royal palace-turned-hotel in India, which costs $60,000 a night. They also put on a fireworks display and wore custom Ralph Lauren designed outfits. I know you’re wondering, “Did poor Nick Jonas have to spend all his Camp Rock money on this wedding?” and the answer is a resounding NO! Thankfully, our lovely couple got practically the whole thing covered by sponsorships including Tiffany & Co, Longchamp, and Elit Vodka. I hope you all are able to get sponsors for you own weddings, because is it even true love if you aren’t getting paid for it?

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And forever starts now… ❤️ @nickjonas

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2. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

TBH I totally forgot Kris Humphries existed until last week, when he decided it was important to let the world know he is the proud owner of a Five Guys franchise. Congrats! This revelation really just made me hungry, but it also got him into this story, so I guess he can call it a win?

In case you also forgot about Kris, let me refresh your memory. His wedding to Kim reportedly cost $10 million, $20K of which was spent on the cake that they all enjoyed, and then they immediately went to their plastic surgeon and had the fat the cake left on their waistline injected into their asses. I’m just speculating, but we all know it’s plausible. This wedding is especially fun because it involves math! If you spent $10 million on a wedding that last 72 days, how much did that cost you per day? Probably more than Kris’s Five Guys franchise will ever take in, that’s for sure.  (It’s actually $138,888.88 per day, if you’re seriously curious).

3. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

After Kris Humphries, Kim decided she needed a more famous husband fell in love with longtime friend Kanye West. So, in typical girl-with-no-shame fashion, she decided to throw yet another obscenely expensive wedding.

Kim and Kanye got married in Italy at the Forte di Belvedere, which cost over $300,000 to rent. There was a performance from Andrea Bocelli, and her gown was Givenchy Haute Couture. Okay, now listen hard, because this is the only nice thing I’m ever going to say about Kim Kardashian: I kind of liked her dress. Now excuse me while I go burst into flames. Anyway, the lovely couple was married amongst their friends and family, except for Rob, who deemed himself too fat to attend. If only we could all use that excuse Rob, IF ONLY. When all was said and done, the event cost around $2.8 million, according to E! Online. That sounds atrocious, but TBH the cost per day is WAY less than her wedding to Kris Humphries, so it was practically a bargain.

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4. George and Amal Clooney

When the ultimate bachelor announced his engagement, the world was stunned. Everyone thought that George would grow old with his motorcycle and Max, his potbellied pig. But he gave it all up to eventually run for office marry a gorgeous British human rights attorney. Fine, if you had to settle, George, I guess she’ll do.

The pair got married in Venice, with their A-list guests arriving by boat and looking every bit the movie stars they are. Everyone stayed in Cipriani hotel suites that cost a reported $3 million, and George looked dapper in his Giorgio Armani tux, while Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, which she showed off on the cover of People magazine. The whole event cost over $4.5 million, and that doesn’t even include all the Casamigos Tequila that I’m sure George provided at no cost.

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Wedding ? #amalclooney #mariage #aboutclooneys #georgeclooney

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5. Prince William and Kate Middleton

Finally, we get to the royalty! The parents of the most badass member of the monarchy, Prince George, got married on April 29, 2011. Their wedding is unique because most things didn’t actually cost money. The castle for the reception? Oh no biggie, they own it. The tiara? A loaner from the Queen’s personal collection. Kate’s makeup? Oh, the future Queen consort will do it herself, thanks. So why the f*ck did this wedding cost a reported $34 million? SECURITY. That’s right! A whopping $32 million was spent to keep this event secure. And I guess it was worth it? All members of the royal family (as well as Pippa’s iconic backside) survived the event and have lived on to bless the world with their beautiful offspring, mediocre fashion, and petty family fights.

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So there you have it, all the sh*t celebrities waste money on for marriages that probably won’t last most expensive celebrity weddings. I wish there had been more circus performances and puppies serving appetizers to report on, but if that happened, no one is telling me. Fingers crossed J.Lo will do it!

Images: Giphy (2); priyankachopra, kimkardashian, about_clooneys, katemiddletonphotos/Instagram 

Celebrity Couples You Didn’t Know Were Set Up

I think most people would agree that dating can be a total pain in the ass. It can be lonely and tedious trying to wade through everyone out there, just trying to find one good match. But if you’re lucky, you have some ride or die friends that are always trying to help you out. Whether my friends are setting me up with someone they know or helping me evaluate my matches on Ship, I need all the help I can get.

If you’re skeptical about the idea of your friends getting involved in your dating life, I get it. But maybe it’s a good idea to let them help you. Lots of your favorite celebrity couples have been set up through friends, and you might not even realize it. Here are some of our favorite examples:

Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra

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To live for days like this. ❤️ @nickjonas #boatlife

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When Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra first went public with their relationship last year, it seemed super random. Little did we know, there’s one surprising person at the center of their relationship: The Rock. Yes, like Dwayne Johnson. In 2017, Priyanka worked with The Rock on the Baywatch remake, and then Nick worked with him the next year in Jumanji.I’m not sure how much The Rock really played matchmaker here, but he did say that he’ll take credit “if they’re happy.”

Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner

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My Valentine gets a surprise birthday party because she’s the fucking best. ?

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Nick isn’t the only Jonas Brother who got a little romantic help from a friend. In 2016, Joe’s band DNCE did a song with Hailee Steinfeld, who is friends with Sophie Turner. Hailee revealed that Sophie texted her asking about Joe, and she gave her his number and the green light to go for it. Now Sophie is chugging drinks at sporting events and generally seems very happy, so her bold text definitely paid off.

Taylor Swift & Calvin Harris

This relationship wasn’t meant to be, but it was fun while it lasted. Back in 2015, Taylor and Calvin were first introduced by mutual friend (and fellow famous singer) Ellie Goulding. Ellie said that they’re both “really awesome and really tall,” so she thought they would make a great couple. And they did…for a while.

Cameron Diaz & Benji Madden

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Happy Birthday Baby❤️ There’s so much to write, so many things that make me so proud of you and how special you are?Thank you for being the best friend and partner to me and taking this journey of Marriage. The way you live your life everyday, and your compassion for the world shines thru in your eyes and you inspire me to want to be the best man I can be in this lifetime. You’re the realest. I’m so grateful to be yours Always&Forever, and to call you my One&Only. True Love ❤️

A post shared by Benji Madden (@benjaminmadden) on

Cameron Diaz has been married to Benji Madden since 2015, and Nicole Richie happily takes credit for it. Nicole is married to Benji’s brother Joel, and she says that she’s “a devoted sister-in-law.” Someone please tell me how I can get into this family, because I really want to go to Thanksgiving with Nicole and Cameron.

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt

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Honored to be on the arm of this double nominee tonight! #SAGawards

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Truly, I think these two are one of the cutest couples in Hollywood. They also work well together, considering I’ve had to sleep with a white noise machine ever since I saw A Quiet Place. Turns out, they were set up on a blind date in 2008 by none other than Anne Hathaway. John said he wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time, but it was love at first sight when he met Emily.

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux

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?…❤️✌️

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Jennifer Aniston is one of the most famous and beautiful people in the world, but even pretty people can appreciate some help from a friend. Surprisingly, she was introduced to her ex Justin Theroux by Robert Downey Jr. This seems like, very random, but I guess it’s proof that love can happen in literally any way.

Meghan Markle & Prince Harry

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Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Sussex is expecting a baby in the Spring of 2019. Their Royal Highnesses have appreciated all of the support they have received from people around the world since their wedding in May and are delighted to be able to share this happy news with the public. ?PA

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This is the setup that made women all over the world question the dedication and loyalty of their friends. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex were set up by a mystery mutual friend, and Meghan insists she didn’t really know anything about Harry before meeting him. She’s always said the only thing she asked was “Is he nice?,” which is what my mom asks me when she brings up a guy I went on one date with six months ago.

So you might not have A-list movie star friends to set you up on dates with other A-list movie stars, but that’s not really the point. Dating isn’t always fun, and having your friends in the picture can make it a little more enjoyable, and improve your results. Rather than wasting your time (and mental energy) alone on the apps, let your friends in your Ship crew do the heavy lifting for you. Maybe you’ll meet your Prince Harry (if you do, please tell him to slide in my DMs), or at least someone decent who won’t ignore your texts.

Images: Shutterstock; @priyankachopra, @joejonas, @calvinharris, @benjaminmadden, @johnkrasinski, @justintheroux, @kensingtonroyal / Instagram

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A Definitive Ranking Of Miley Cyrus’ Exes

In case you missed it, a Christmas miracle took place last weekend, and I’m not even talking about my mother uttering the words “you were right” in my presence. No, last weekend Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth GOT MARRIED in a private ceremony held in their Nashville home. That’s right, the woman who made twerking a national pastime and the second-hottest Hemsworth brother are married. Are you squealing yet? BECAUSE I AM SQUEALING. I don’t know about you, but I’d say this is definitive proof that love is real you can get your ex back after miming a sex act during your VMAs performance and it’s a win for me, personally delusional girls all over the world.  

Now, if you’ll recall, the couple met in 2009 on the set of The Last Song, way back when Miley had brown hair and was still legally allowed to associate with the Disney Channel. Ah, simpler times. They first got engaged in 2012, before calling it off a year later so Miley could have her space to grow as a person go through that wild phase.

Sure, Jan. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.

But they reconnected in 2015 and seemed to be really happy, despite the fact that it made her new music only subpar. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Personally, I’ve been rooting for these two for a long time. And I’m not just saying that because after a drinking a bottle of moscato I used to drunk dial my ex and belt “Wrecking Ball” into his voicemail box. No, I’m genuinely rooting for Miley and Liam as only a complete stranger with no personal or emotional ties to them can. And now they’re married!! So to celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be fun to revisit her exes in what I like to call “Thank U, Next: The Miley Cyrus Edition.” Let’s get started, shall we?

6. Justin Gaston

If you’re wondering who this person is, you’re not alone, because I had to Google him as well. According to his IMDB page his greatest claim to fame is playing Romeo in Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” music video. So basically he’s about as relevant as my Juicy tracksuit Plato’s Closet passed on last weekend. They dated for about nine months when Miley was 15, and broke up right before she went to film The Last Song. Some say they broke up because she rekindled her friendship with Nick Jonas, and I guess 20 year old Justin felt threatened by a 14-year-old boy with a straightening iron, but I think it’s because she realized he was going about as far as Nashville’s Broad Street. Last place for you, Justin.

5. Patrick Schwarzenegger

After Miley called off her engagement to Liam, she dated Patrick Schwarzenegger for about five months and, honestly, it’s a solid rebound. The boy is fiiiine in, like, a preppy, rich kid who will definitely keep your nudes for revenge porn kind of way. So snaps for you, Miley. They broke up after photos surfaced of Patrick hanging out with his ex, which feels very on brand for him personally. He gets fifth place because he reminds me of my ex while he’s p attractive he’s also probably a piece of sh*t and I’m not tolerating a**holes for one more godd*mn minute in 2018.

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Patley at pre-grammys party in 2014. #mileyfuckingcyrus #mileyraycyrus #destinyhopecyrus #destinyhope #smiley #smileymiley #relationshipgoals #couple #patrickschwarzenegger #mileycyrus #mileyandpatrick #grammys #patley #patleyforever #cutest #couplegoals

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4. Stella Maxwell

I have nothing to say about this relationship mostly because I don’t think there was a relationship. There were rumors that Miley and Stella Maxwell were dating in 2015 because they made out a few times in public but, like, what’s your point? If I had to formally acknowledge every person I make out with I would legit need witness protection. Nah, I’m not buying it. This was also the year that Miley and Liam reconnected, so let’s call this what it is: too many vodka crans. Next.

3. Dylan Sprouse

Lol. I know, right? According to Popsugar the two dated for “a day when they were 11 or 12” and a day is all it takes for me to be jealous of any b*tch lucky enough to date a Sprouse. For those of you who read my Riverdale recaps, you know The CW has been making me feel things about a Sprouse that is legit making me question my mental health. And even though Miley only dated the twin whose most successful business venture since The Suite Life has been opening a “meadery” in Williamsburg, I’m still ridiculously jealous.

2. Liam Hemsworth

Technically, Liam was her ex at some point so he makes the list. He’s not number one because although I root for him, there’s someone else who tops the list. SORRY NOT SORRY. Which brings us to my favorite Miley ex…

1. Nick Jonas

Nick f*cking Jonas. That’s right, people, I still stan this relationship and I will stan this relationship until either one of them releases a song that’s better than “Before The Storm.” I’m sorry but “Standing out in the rain /Need to know if it’s over /Flooded with all this pain /Knowing that I’ll never hold her /Like I did before the storm”?? F*cking iconic. I don’t care that Nick gave his purity ring to Priyanka Chopra or that Miley and Liam have been together for ten years, 14 year old me is still hoping Disney will pull rank their contracts out and make them contractually obligated to write another teenage love ballad. PLEASE IT’S ALL I ASK FOR.

But, like, every happiness to you and Liam, Miley!

Images: Giphy (3); @mileymileys /Instagram (1)

Nick Jonas And Priyanka Chopra Are Officially Married

Pete and Ariana may not have made it down the aisle, but one of the other whirlwind couples of 2018 just did. After a dating period that lasted 10 minutes, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are married. For everyone that said this relationship was a publicity stunt, you might still be right, but they’re at least really committed to it.

Nick and Priyanka are still in the midst of a lavish, three-day celebration in India, and I’m frankly offended I wasn’t invited. The festivities include two ceremonies, one traditional Indian and one Christian, which Nick’s dad officiated/will be officiating/I don’t really understand the timeline of all this and also they’re in India so what day is it even? Whatever, the moral of the story is that this whole thing is very extra and I’m mad I’m not there. For the Indian ceremony, Nick will be riding in on a horse, which is traditional, but also straight out of my dreams from 2008.

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One of the most special things that our relationship has given us is a merging of families who love and respect each other's faiths and cultures. And so planning our wedding with an amalgamation of both was so so amazing. An important part for the girl in an Indian wedding is the Mehendi. Once again we made it our own and it was an afternoon that kicked off the celebrations in the way we both dreamed. @nickjonas

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Honestly, it was easy to be skeptical about this relationship from the beginning, but I’m coming around. They both seem so genuinely happy in every photo and interview, so why not go for it? They’re both hot and famous and rich, so there’s only so much that could go wrong. Now, we just have Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner’s wedding to look forward to, but I have a feeling theirs will be a little more low key. We can’t all rent out an Indian palace for our wedding.

I’m still a little angry that my invitation got lost in the mail, but hey, Meghan Markle isn’t there either, so at least we have that in common. Also, the wedding weekend isn’t even over yet, so I’m sure we’ll be seeing pictures from this sh*t for months to come. Congrats Nick and Priyanka, mazel tov. Or whatever they say in India.

Images: @priyankachopra / Instagram

Priyanka Chopra & Nick Jonas Reportedly Got A Marriage License

2018 was the year of many things, but probably my favorite trend was rushed celebrity engagements. We saw Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber, and Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas get engaged, all after dating for a few months at most. One couple made it down the aisle (or, more accurately, to the courthouse), one did not. Now, it looks like Nick and Priyanka are falling into the former camp, as reports have surfaced that they obtained a marriage license. Wow, okay. So I guess they’re really committing to this publicity stunt.

A source told Entertainment Tonight that Nick and Priyanka got their marriage license last week, adding that these two entertainers who have been dating for less time than it takes me to unpack from a weekend trip are “ready to be husband and wife.” And I’ve just got to ask you guys: Y’all know that marriage is intended to be for the rest of your lives, right? Like, when you make these life-long commitments to someone you’ve known for less than a fiscal quarter, you’re not just having a wedding and getting a cool hashtag? You’re committing yourself to take care of this person when they are sick, and kiss them before they’ve brushed their teeth in the morning, and comfort them when their loved ones die, right? RIGHT?? Ok cool, just checking!

The source also told ET that Nick and Priyanka plan to be married in India by the end of the year. The source ALSO mentioned that Priyanka is in India celebrating Diwali right now, and that the wedding “could happen very soon.” My bet? These two are going to have a secret wedding. Mark my words, I’m calling it! They want to be married by the end of the year, well guess what? The year is almost up. Yes, I’ve been stalking Nick Jonas’ IG stories and it doesn’t appear he is in India right now, but he could hop on a private jet and be there like, tomorrow. Or at the very least, this will happen before you know it. Especially considering Nick just tweeted some vaguely sponsored post about his groomsmen.

????|| nickjonas: I was searching for a fun way for my groomsmen to be mobile and ready to roll – so I called up my friends at @Limebike for some help…#groomsmengift #CitrusGotReal pic.twitter.com/L7Aycn2iCs

— Nick Jonas Daily (@DailyNickJonas) November 9, 2018


To quote Michael Scott: IT’S HAPPENING! Everybody stay calm. Stay f*cking calm.

New Celebrity Couples We Don’t See Lasting Through The Summer

Is it just me, or is it getting harder and harder to keep up with new celebrity couples? While some couples are all over Instagram with each other, others play it so low-key that you have to dig through tabloids and paparazzi photos to even know if they’re still hanging out. There have been some interesting new celebrity couples recently, but I’m not convinced that all of them will last until the end of this sentence. Who’s bound to get engaged, and who’s just fucking around? These are my predictions about some of the most interesting new celebrity couples. I don’t have a crystal ball or anything, so lmk in the comments if you think any of my guesses are wrong. I can’t promise to care, though.

1. Hailey Baldwin & Justin Bieber

Once-upon-a-time fuckbuddies Hailey and Justin have recently reignited their relationship, and it seems to be going well. After they were spotted making out all over NYC, they’ve been seen hanging out more, including going to church together in LA. That’s a favorite date activity for Justin, but does it mean that he’s serious about Hailey? I have to say, the fact that they’re currently rocking the exact same haircut is both cute and disgusting. I think they’re having fun for the summer, but Justin will get distracted by the time Labor Day rolls around.

they look so happy✨???? @haileybaldwin @justinbieber #haileybaldwin #baldwiners #justinbieber #beliebers #couplegoals #otp

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2. Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson

I’ve already spent way too much mental energy on Pete and Ariana’s absurd relationship, so I won’t rehash all the details here. Despite the questionable timeline of their relationship and engagement, I actually think they could be the real deal. Assuming they don’t fuck things up by getting married too soon, I could see them being together for a long time. Like, years. But also maybe they could cool it with the Instagram posts, just a little?

one more for the queen. words can’t express what a real fucking treasure this one is ????

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3. Dakota Johnson & Chris Martin

Dakota and Chris have been dating since last fall, so they’re the least new couple on this list, but we also know very little about them. I respect that they want to keep things private, but I’d also like more details please. Sources say they’ve been getting serious and that Dakota has recently been spending a lot of time at Chris’ place in Malibu. Dakota seems like kind of a wet blanket, but considering that Chris spent years with Gwyneth Paltrow, Dakota probably seems like Snooki in comparison. I see this relationship lasting for another six months to a year, but I doubt this will end in a wedding.

Dakota, zeppelin and Chris Martin in Malibu, Califórnia. June,24th. . . #dakotajohnson #zeppelinjohnson #chrismartin

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4. Anwar Hadid & Sonia Ben Ammar

We already discussed how the youngest Hadid was seen hanging out with this French-Tunisian model just days after making out with Kendall Jenner. Are they dating? Is this the beginning of a relationship? I have no idea, but I’m predicting one of two things: either Anwar has already blocked Sonia’s number and moved on to someone new, or they will be together for a long time. Actually no, I’m definitely going with the first one. He’s too young and too pretty to settle down, and he just got out of a serious relationship. Anwar is definitely DTF with any hot model right now.

#anwarhadid and #soniabenammar ???? Anwar was seen with Kendall while kissing just two weeks ago!? ???? What do you think about this?

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5. Kendall Jenner & Ben Simmons

It’s been nearly a month since Kendall Jenner was first seen hanging out with NBA Rookie of the Year Ben Simmons, and a lot has happened. Mainly, things were complicated when Kendall was seen making out with Anwar Hadid earlier this month. This all feels so incestuous, but I’m also turned on? Since her night out with Anwar, Kendall has been seen with Ben multiple times, signaling that they’re at least a little serious. They even went grocery shopping together, which is such an adult choice of activities. Idk if Kendall is in the mood for anything major, but it’s the off-season for Ben, so it makes sense for them to have fun. Who knows, Maybe Kendall is destined to become a basketball wife?

06.28.18 Kendall and Ben leaving Barneys New York in LA after shopping ????????❤ (c) source #kendalljenner #bensimmons #bendall #kardashian #jenner #nba #76ers #sixers #philly #philadelphia #losangeles #hollywood

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6. Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra

This is truly one of the most random celebrity couples in recent memory, but they’re looking more and more real. After attending the Met Gala “as friends,” Nick and Priyanka quickly evolved into an It Couple, and now there are even rumors that they’re going to get engaged soon. I still feel strongly that Nick Jonas is meant to end up with me, so I can’t say I’m a fan, but Priyanka is an amazing catch. I can also see Nick getting along well with someone older, so maybe this couple is really going to last. I’m calling it now, they’re going to have beautiful babies together.

#priyankachopra and #nickjonas spotted in NYC on June 13th ????

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Images: moonlight_jdrew, petedavidson, dakotajohnson, modelsstylee, benxkendall, ericpriyanka / Instagram

Is Nick Jonas Into Cougars? We Investigate

Apparently I wasn’t the only one to blackout over Memorial Day Weekend and make questionable decisions with a guy who told me he was “basically 21,” because Priyanka Chopra from TV’s Quantico just stepped out with Nick Jonas, and it is a lot for me to digest. That’s right, people, 25-year-old Nick “I Lost My Purity Ring” Jonas is supposedly dating 35-year-old Priyanka Chopra after they were spotted together at a Dodgers game last weekend. To be fair, I also take the kids I babysit to baseball games sometimes so, like, it’s not super solid evidence. But the two of them have been spending a weird amount of time together, so I guess I’ll buy into it. For now.

For those of you who left thoughts of Nick Jonas back in 2010 along with your Delia’s gift card and the Hannah Montana finale, this actually isn’t the first time Nick’s been romantically linked to an older woman. Which got me thinking, is Nick Jonas into cougars? Is the boy behind prolific lines like “I’ve been to the year 3000” and “not much has changed but they lived under water” that defined our generation, somehow seducing mature, grown-ass women?? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Clearly, this is a case for the FBI me and my creative writing degree which I shall treat like it’s a journalism degree. So buckle up, betches, because it’s time to take a deep dive into the psyche of a Joe Bro.

For someone who got famous for his talent and artistic drive being a hot virgin, Nick has had a lot of fucking girlfriends over the years. Like, way more than his covers on Tiger Beat ever alluded to being possible. Nick’s cougar fetish goes way back to 2011, when he dated Delta Goodrem, an Australian singer (??), for 10 months. Delta was a solid 27 years old at the time of their courtship, while Nick was only 18. EIGHT-FUCKING-TEEN. When I was 18 I was still getting drunk off of wine coolers and buying my “lingerie” from American Eagle. I was certainly not banging Australian singers old enough to be my legal guardian. In an interview with 60 Minutes, Delta said this of their relationship:

Maybe it’s that I’m interested in challenges. Maybe I’m one of these spirits who goes, ‘Ooh, what is this lesson here? What am I learning here?’ … There was a genuine love, definitely.”

Okay, I have so many questions here. First of all, why is 60 Minutes trying to get to the bottom of a Disney star’s sex life? I mean, I know I’m doing the same thing here, but I also spend 30-45 minutes a day searching Bughead fan accounts on Instagram, so it’s not like I’m the best at using my time wisely, ya feel me? Secondly, WHAT IS SO CHALLENGING ABOUT DATING AN 18-YEAR-OLD? Other than trying to convince the bouncer at the bar where your friends are that his fake ID is real? Also, I would love to know the life lessons Nick fucking Jonas taught this woman who was almost pushing 30. Please enlighten me, Delta. 

Moving on. Nick also had a “fling” with Kate Hudson back in 2016. As we all know, “fling” is the celebrity code word for “definitely banged a few times.” When I first heard this news I was shocked, because Kate is 13 years older than little Nicky and also a mother of two. I’m not sure if Kate was having some sort of mid-life crisis in which she suddenly had a burning desire to seduce the star of her son’s favorite Disney program, but somehow it happened. Then again, maybe Nick has some sort of secret game that I’m not aware of??

Christ. Maybe not.

Nick told Ellen Degeneres that he’d been on a group date with an unnamed older actress but “it wasn’t a date”, which is funny because that’s the exact same line I use when my Hinge date tries to split the bill. He later confirmed their booty call relationship in an interview with Complex magazine when he all but admitted that he definitely banged Kate Hudson. And by that I mean he said this:

“Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection…. She’s amazing.”

ALSO NICK:

I rest my fucking case.

The last piece of evidence I’ll present to the court 5-10 friends I’ve blackmailed into reading all of my articles is this: Last week, Nick tried to slide into Jenna Dewan’s DMs. After the Billboard Music Awards, Jenna posted an Instagram photo with the caption “Billboard Awards- ‘twas such a fun night!!!” Nick commented on her photo with this flirtatious comeback:

Relatable. #CommentsByCelebs

A post shared by @ commentsbycelebs on

‘TWAS. ‘TWASN’T IT.

First of all, I’d just like to say that you, sir, are ballsy. Not only is Jenna 12 years older than Nick, but she’s also been on the market for all of five minutes, and I’m sure my her heart is still mending from the devastating break up with the love of my her life, Channing Tatum. LET THE WOMAN BREATHE, NICKY. To be fair, he also liked a shit ton of photos that his ex-girlfriend, Olivia Culpo, posted that night as well, so it’s unclear as to if he was actually flirting with Jenna or if he just had a hefty amount of Pinot Grigio and wanted to connect with someone. Who can say. All I know is it ‘TWAS very suspicious.

So there you have it: definitive proof that Nick Jonas has more mommy issues than Ariel Winter is into cougars. And by “definitive proof,” I mean vague assumptions I’ve made based on the internet rumors surrounding his sex life. Obviously. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to unsee the The Jonas Brothers’ flat-ironed curls circa 2007 that have now been seared into my brain thanks to this investigation.

Images: Giphy (2); @commentsbycelebs /Instagram (1)