Stephanie Pratt Blasted Spencer And Heidi On Instagram

Is anyone else watching The Hills: New Beginnings this season? Because it certainly feels like it’s just me and my one coworker talking about Justin Bobby’s eyeliner every Tuesday morning. And it certainly feels like I’m the only one who wakes up in the middle of the night gasping, “but where was Whitney?!” But surely, surely, MTV wouldn’t keep a show on the air solely for my enjoyment and nostalgia, would they? If they are, that’s like, so sweet, but I think they might need some extra drama to hook a few more viewers in order to keep season 2 afloat. Enter, the Pratt Family. 

After this week’s episode, Stephanie Pratt took to Instagram to criticize her costars, and drag up the good old “Heidi and Spencer said LC made a sex tape,” rumor. Let’s take a look at the unabomber’s manifesto her post: 

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Drama follows me ?‍♀️ lolz I’m drained from this year. So happy to be back home in London, where evil siblings don’t exist… but instead the MOST lovely people in the world- you guys are my family these days. I am so grateful, it makes my heart hurt ??Thank you for making me feel like I belong somewhere ?(Spencer often screamed that everyone hates me, is fake nice to me and to go back to London because no one wants me here). ?? omg and Heidi- I have no words for how evil you truly are- you had no choice to admit all of the lies you’ve been spewing about me was for a magazine cover ? and for real WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU DID 10 years ago. You awful human being- and to your BEST FRIEND? You are truly a hideous person. No wonder you don’t have 1 friend (your nanny doesn’t count- you pay her). @justinbobbybrescia you were my rock the entire series- I love you & thank you. PS: spoiler alert… we NEVER hooked up. Audrina is crazy ?? like you dated this guy ten years ago… you married someone else & have a child with him! And-As if you liked Justin!! you were dating someone off camera!! ?(the guy u went on a blind date with the night after the festival)! No one plays a better victim than you ?? (OMG you actually should go into acting)!!! Ughhh and all the months you spent trying to get all of the girls against me… I mean thats Speidi’s job!!! Truth: I did not watch last nights episode Bc I didn’t want to re-live my “friend” attacking my character & making up lies about me when I have ALWAYS been a good friend to you. (You should watch the original Hills for a memory refresher) I am still utterly shocked & hurt you did this to me for camera time. I will always be honest, I’ve been on reality tv for 11 years straight… I can’t be anything except straight up REAL. I have no interest in being fake, pretending my life is perfect. That was my #PrattCast recap LOL. I love you all & need your support to get thru the struggles- thank you a million times over ? Are you guys enjoying the series?! ?CONGRATS @mtv for for a series 2!!!! ??? love you guys!! ? Ok time for a nap, literally what an exhausting year ?‍♀️#hibernationmode in full effect ?? KEEP IT ?

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Normally I can’t be bothered to read a post this long, because my attention span has shrunk alarmingly since the invention of the iPhone (thanks, Steve!), but this is juicy, so I’ll break this down for you. Stephanie says she is back in London where evil siblings do not exist (ah yes, because that sh*t going on between William and Harry is because they’re being too nice to each other), and then goes on to say that Heidi is evil, only talks about her to get in magazines, and that yes, she is responsible for the sex tape rumor. Newsflash: no one cares anymore, Steph!!!

She also says she and Justin Bobby never slept together, and I’m sure that’s *technically* true, because Justin Bobby, a 37-year-old man who attends desert festivals clad entirely in leather, calls it “vibing.” Finally, she claims that Audrina knows that she didn’t sleep vibe with Justin, Audrina had a secret boyfriend outside of the show, and that this “attack on her character” was all done so Audrina could get more screen time. 

As my therapist would say, this is something you should write in your diary and not put on the internet. And this is where I get suspicious. In the comments, Stephanie claims that she will not be returning for season 2. But why are you bringing up all this sh*t on Instagram, if not to push your dramatic storyline into the following season? I guarantee you she will eventually sign on, and we’ll get a million stories about how she’s reluctant to go on the show and confront Spencer and Heidi after this attack post. THUS GETTING HER MORE MEDIA ATTENTION AND AIRTIME!! Does anyone else agree with me, or have I just watched too many YouTube conspiracy theory videos in the middle of the night?

It also appears that Heidi responded to Stephanie’s vitriol on her own prayer and scripture-dedicated Instagram account (no, you didn’t just have a stroke, yes this is something that exists):

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“Don't be hateful to people, just because they are hateful to you. Rather, be good to each other and to everyone else.” 1 Thessalonians 5:15 ? Thank you Jesus, I needed this word and guidance. ?? Deliver and help us Lord. ??

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So Heidi just used Jesus to tell us she’s better than Stephanie. Just how He wanted his teachings to be implemented! He would be so proud! But just in case He’s not, I’d watch out for lightning strikes for the next few days, Heidi. 

TBH I still don’t really understand what Spencer and Stephanie are fighting about. This season, Stephanie mentioned that Spencer and Heidi didn’t tell her when her nephew was born, but in my opinion they really saved her a lot of trouble. I have visited numerous newborn babies over the last few years, and they all look like blobs, and you can kill them very easily by holding them wrong. It’s terrifying. Count your blessings, Stephanie. This just seems like they’re rehashing the same old made up drama, only now Stephanie has an entirely new face, no?

I guess we will have to wait and see what happens with the rest of this season, and if Stephanie *shockingly* decides to show up for season two. In the meantime I’ll just be over here patiently waiting for Spencer to send me a Pratt Daddy Crystal (I’ll review it Spencer, I promise!). 

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2); officialstephpratt, prattprayers/Instagram

Everything You Need to Know About The Jenelle Evans/David Eason Dog Fiasco

Even if you’ve never seen an episode of Teen Mom, you’ve definitely heard about some of the crazy sh*t cast members have gotten themselves into the news for. Never forget the time that Farrah Abraham did porn, then tried to pretend it was a private sex tape. Good memories. It’s almost as if teen parents who willingly publicize their lives on national television have a tendency toward bad decisions or something!! Color me shocked. Lately, Jenelle Evans and David Eason, two Teen Mom 2 stars—or former stars now—are all over the news because of some truly disturbing events.

Here’s what went down. Last week, David Eason, Jenelle Evans’ husband, purposefully shot and killed their French bulldog Nugget in North Carolina where they live. He now could go to jail for up to 4 months, which honestly seems like too little for such a vile act. Jenelle claimed he killed the dog because it was being aggressive toward Ensley, their 2-year-old daughter, and that she was seriously considering pressing charges against him for it (makes sense). I would press charges if someone gave my dog a weird look on the sidewalk, so David deserves whatever punishment is coming his way.


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Nugget… I’m crying everyday. I love you so much and I’m so sorry. I’m speechless. You were my side kick and knew the moment I felt bad and would cuddle with me. You still had a lot to learn and a lot to grow from your lessons. Everyday I wake up you’re not here, when I come home you’re not here, when I go to bed… you’re not here. You’re gone forever and there’s no coming back. #Heartbroken #Distraught ???

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As most offenders tend to do, David defended himself in his caption on a since-deleted Instagram post with a video of Nugget barking at Ensley close to her face, and a picture of her with a red mark on her cheek. He wrote, (brace yourself for a lot of grammatical errors which for the sake of authenticity we have not edited out) “I dont give a damn what animal bites my baby on the face… whether it be your dog or mine, a dog is a dog and I dont put up with that s–t at all.” He continued, “I’m all about protecting my family, it is my lifes mission. Some people are worth killing or dying for and my family means that much to me. You can hate me all you want but this isnt the first time the dog bit Ensley aggressively. The only person that can judge weather or not a animal is a danger to MY CHILD is ME.”

Let’s assume these events really happened. Fine, okay, protect your child. But not entirely unlike the LVP/Dorit puppy-gate on RHOBH in which Dorit rescued a dog from Vanderpump Dogs, and then gave poor Lucy Lucy Apple Juice away to someone who gave her to a kill shelter, all because the dog nipped at her kid, there are MANY other steps that could have been taken before SHOOTING A DOG. It definitely did not have to come to this.

Rather than dropping David’s ass like any normal human would, Jenelle has since said she’s considering marriage counseling, and she wants to stand by her man. Sadly for her, it has now cost her her role on Teen Mom 2. David had already been fired from the show for making transphobic and homophobic comments on social media.  Producers might have accepted a sincere apology from him for this, but in true wack job fashion, he then threatened them over text to “shut down production” on the show. Funny, I have a feeling this would also get me fired from my job. Also, David, you can’t shut down production. Only production can shut down production. That’s like me trying to fire my boss after shooting a dog on company property. 

On Friday, things took an even darker turn when Child Protective Services had Jenelle’s 4-year-old son Kaiser taken from his pre-school by his paternal grandmother without Jenelle’s consent after he aired his mom and step dad’s dirty laundry to his school counselor. At least someone here is in therapy.

At this point, Jenelle’s mom Barbara Evans has full custody of her oldest son, Jace, who’s nine years old, and as of this afternoon, there’s a report that her youngest daughter, Ensley, is going to be taken by CPS as well. She’s expected to be placed in Barbara’s care as well, and reportedly police are worried that David is a great danger to everyone involved, including law enforcement. After Kaiser was taken, Jenelle gave the following statement:  “During this difficult time, I am focused on getting Kaiser back and cooperating with my legal team on the next steps to getting my children back.”

Clearly, both of these parents have issues they need to sort out.  Hopefully, justice will put Jenelle Evans’ children in the right hands for their best interest. No matter how messed up some things her husband has done are (RIP Nugget), it’s sad that Jenelle had to spend Mother’s Day weekend without her child. In the mean time, it looks like I’m gonna spend the next two weeks binging all of Teen Mom 2.

Images: j_evans1219 (2) / Instagram

Pauly D And Vinny’s New Dating Show Looks Like A Beautiful Mess

For the past couple of years, pop culture has been riding a major nostalgia wave, for better or for worse. Certain reboots have made us cringe, but we’ve also been gifted with some instant classics. Case in point: Jersey Shore Family VacationI had my doubts when MTV originally announced they were bringing the Jersey crew back together after nearly a decade, but our favorite BFFs like Snooki and J Woww or Pauly D and Vinny are still the perfect amount of crazy for reality TV.

While many of the Jersey Shore favs are married and/or raising kids, my sweet angels Pauly D and Vinny haven’t settled down yet. Thankfully, the MTV producers gods heard my prayers, and are blessing us with a dating show starring the world’s best DJ and the Keto Guido. A Double Shot At Love is coming back, and I already know it’s going to be better than ever. Today, MTV released a teaser promo for A Double Shot At Love, along with all 20 0f the contestants on the show. Watch the video first, and then we 100% need to talk about some of the women competing, because they seem like characters.

If you don’t feel like watching the video, it’s basically 30 seconds of Pauly D and Vinny playing with baby chicks, and joking about being done with chicks and wanting real love. It’s a dumb video concept, but it’s so cheesy and cute that I really can’t complain. I would’ve preferred some actual footage from the show, but I’ll live. Honestly, I really should be ashamed of how much I love these two. I’ve met Vinny IRL and he is just as sweet and charming as he comes across here. Why did I not apply to be on this show? Probably because I’m a gay man, but I’m still a little bitter.

So where do I even begin with these 20 lovely ladies competing for Pauly and Vinny’s love? Let’s start with some basics.

– Eight of the women are from New Jersey or New York, which seems fitting.

– There’s a “Brittani” and a “Brittnay,” so I can’t wait to see those two argue over which misspelling of “Britney/Brittany” is more correct.

– All of the women are between 22 and 33, except for Deseree, who is 37. Sorry Deseree, but you’re going home on the first night. That’s just how this works.

– Apparently for their photoshoot, each woman was given a $30 Fashion Nova gift card and told to choose her favorite bodycon dress. Once you take a look at the cast photos, you’ll see what I mean!

I have neither the time nor the energy to go through and roast all 20 of these brilliant casting finds, but I’ll pick a selected few to make some comments. Let’s start with Brittani, whose nickname is “B-lashes” according to the press release. I’m proud of Britt for ignoring the bodycon trend, and instead showing up in her best Lisa Vanderpump cosplay. Great work. This is what J-Woww would look like if she got a job selling insurance.

Next, let’s talk about Cate, who is from Staten Island, but that should be obvious from literally everything about her photo. I’m all for a good leopard print moment, but this dress really should’ve been left in 2004. The slicked-back sides look is probably my least favorite hairstyle ever (all the Real Housewives love it, and I simply do not understand), and I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a Bump-it. At least Cate toned things done with natural-looking amounts of eye makeup and bronzer. LOL.

This was truly a tough choice, but I think my favorite look out of the bunch is Alli, who seemingly forgot that you’re supposed to wear a dress over your Spanx and not just wear your shapewear out. She looks great in that dress, but the dress itself looks like a condom. I’m placing my bets now that Vinny and Pauly will both be all over Alli, because she seems to exude the right mix of confidence and willingness to take shots at a moment’s notice.

A Double Shot At Love premieres on April 11 on MTV, and I can’t wait to see how much more ridiculous this bunch of women get once they start to speak. Considering that the ladies on The Bachelor can barely form intelligent sentences, I might have to watch this show on mute. Regardless, Pauly D and Vinny, please feel free to slide into my DMs any time.

Images: MTV / YouTube; MTV (3)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: The Regina George Of The House

Welcome back to another week of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. This week, MTV has conveniently moved the show to Monday, so it directly conflicts with both Vanderpump Rules and The Bachelor. This is really proving my dedication to Panos and Lindsay. Tonight we’re getting two new VIP Hosts, and Lindsay will decide what to do with Jonitta and Gaby after last week’s fight. Should be a good episode!

We pick up where we left off, with Lindsay and Panos arriving at the Host villa to deal with Gaby and Jonitta. Jonitta is wearing a shirt that says “LIKE, REALIZING STUFF,” which I flat-out need in my life. Lindsay is in full conflict mediator mode, and she explains in her thickest fake Russian accent: “You popped off. And then she popped back off.” I’m on the edge of my seat.

Jonitta interrupts Lindsay while she’s talking about the Lohan brand. That’s definitely not allowed. And now Lindsay is crying because women all need to stick together. Glad to see she believes in Lala Kent’s brand of feminism.

Gaby and Jonitta hug it out, and that’s the end of the meeting. I have never been more underwhelmed in my life.

But now Lindsay is sitting down with all the hosts, and says she might just say f*ck it and send everyone home. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Lindsay tells a story about how one time she was 30 minutes late to a film set and she got yelled at. I’m pretty sure she’s describing every single day of her career, but ok.

Aaaaand everyone gets to stay in Mykonos! Lindsay tells the hosts that she asked Oprah for her advice about this situation, so take a shot for that name drop. The hosts are like “What did she say??” and Lindsay just says that Oprah is the coolest person ever. This definitely means that Oprah didn’t respond. Panos is mad that no one got fired, but this is all about the Lohan brand.

It’s the next day, and the Hosts gather for a staff meeting at the club. We’re told that this is day 11 of them being in Mykonos, which is fully insane. This show is definitely aging me.

Panos is wearing a rainbow leopard print vest, which feels correct. Jonitta and Gaby are partnered together for the day, because of course. Lindsay thinks they’re gonna be best friends now, because she’s naive and doesn’t understand adult relationships. They’re assigned to the VIP clients for the day, Terrence J and Jasmine. I hate Jasmine immediately, because she’s the prettiest person I’ve ever seen.

Terrence J gives Jonitta a weird unprompted pep talk about being an adult, and Jonitta blurts out that she got in an altercation with Gaby. Jasmine and Terrence help the ladies talk things out, and then Terrence sends Jonitta to look for seashells on the beach. Yeah, sure, why not.

The VIPs want some weird drink with a pineapple infusion, so Panos sends May to the kitchen to ask about it. She really struggles to figure out this drink situation, and somehow annoys Panos, Gaby, and Brent in the process. She’s not doing great, but Jonitta has successfully found some seashells for Terrence, so she’s really killing it today.

The VIP Hosts are on their way home, and Mike asks if May washed the dishes earlier. May says no, and suddenly Mike is full-on yelling at her in the back of the car. That escalated quickly! Clearly the producers have decided that this is May’s episode to get dragged through the mud, and it’s only a matter of time before she explodes.

They get back to the house, and Mike and May are still screaming at each other about the dishes. If I cared this much about washing dishes, I would’ve thrown my roommates into the f*cking ocean by now.

Jonitta: That van has a curse on it.

Now May is mad at Jules for not sticking up for her in the van. This is a good reminder that Jules is still here. Who knew! Meanwhile, Brent and Sara are getting hot and heavy again, because apparently she forgot that he called her “the gum on the bottom of his shoe” less than 11 days ago. I have no hope for these people.

Brent: I don’t like odd numbers. So you either have to kiss me twice or four times.

Now everyone is arguing again on the patio, and May just called Jules a fake-ass bitch. Aristotle says this is all crazy, because Lindsay is all about women’s empowerment. Nice try Aristotle, but Lindsay is actually all about the Lohan brand. Mike is literally screaming at May, and I’m truly not sure why. Is this still about dishes??

It’s a new day all of a sudden, and it’s time to meet our two newest VIP Hosts. There’s Kyle, an NYC bartender, who’s here to “make Lohan Beach House the sh*t.” Cool. The other new Host is Kailah, who was on a random season of The Real World in 2016. The old Hosts arrive, and Panos tells them they’re all on notice. Ooooh, scary.

The VIPs today are three models, Christina, Ctefania, and Alisa, who allegedly have millions of followers. Brent, Kailah, Kyle, Jules, and Jonitta are assiged to the VIPs, who must be the most high-maintenance people on the planet. Kailah already hates Brent, and I’m so glad to know she has taste. She thinks it’s ridiculous that Brent and Sara are dating, and I can’t believe she has rational opinions.

The models arrive, and they’re hot, of course. Brent feels like he’s being “baited,” but why would there not be hot girls at a beach club in Mykonos? That’s kind of the whole point. Lindsay says she’s always watching, which means paying attention to who’s flirting with whom. We see Brent giving one of the VIPs a massage, and surprise! Sara is pissed. As much as it pains me to be on Brent’s side, he’s literally just doing his job. He’s not sleeping with them. Kailah says Sara should get sent home, and I love that she’s not here to play around.

Panos is unhappy with Jules, May, and Sara. Will anything come of this? Will someone finally get sent home? Well, the Hosts are headed home for the night, so I guess that’s a no. When we get to the house, Brent and Sara are arguing about how their relationship is affecting their jobs. Sara thinks maybe they should cool it, and Brent storms out of the room. Okay, I’m back to hating Brent, that feels better. Sara and Jonitta decide to throw Brent’s sh*t out of the room, and I’m living for every second of this.

Sara: I’m worried this is affecting our jobs.

When Brent finds out, big surprise, he’s pissed. He reacts by throwing all of Jonitta’s clothes of the room, which she doesn’t love. Best quote of the night: “If I didn’t just smack a bitch two days ago, I swear to god you’d be my next f*cking victim.” Aaaaand Brent just dumped Sara’s clothes all over her head. Kailah takes credit for planting the seeds of doubt in Sara’s head, and compares herself to Regina George. I’ll say it for the second week in a row: I love this episode of Bad Girls Club.

The next day, Panos and Lindsay meet with each other to talk about the drama with the Hosts. She says she had a lot to think about, and that’s the end. Will someone FINALLY get fired next week? It really seems like it, but who knows at this point.

Images: MTV; Giphy (5)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Champagne Gun Lindsay

Welcome back to another sunny week at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. The sun is shining, the cabanas are empty, and Brent is probably still an asshole. I’m sure there will be plenty of drama on Lohan Island Mykonos tonight, so let’s get started.

It’s a new day at the club, and all the hosts say they want to leave the drama back at the house. Famous last words. Lindsay shows up to the staff meeting and brags that she got to work at 9am today. Glad to know her greatest achievement is the bare minimum I have to do to not get fired. Lindsay tells the Hosts that Alesso is coming to the club, so everyone will be on high alert. She then announces that there will be a new Ambassador coming soon, and Sara uses the word “shook” twice in one sentence. Honestly, Brent is the only one who’s not shook, because he apparently forgot he got in a fight with his boss yesterday.

Panos asks Jules if she wants to serve Alesso, and of course she says yes. Then Panos goes “No, I don’t think so,” and gives the job to Brent and Jonitta. Excuse me? If my boss pulled that sh*t with me, there’d be an HR complaint filed 10 seconds later.

Brent thinks he still has a chance with Sara after he called her the gum on the bottom of his shoe and she dumped a drink on him. We see footage of him apologizing to her, and she’s like, “I’m just over it all.” He thinks everything is good and hopes they can still go on a date. The lack of self-awareness is astounding. We also find out that Natasha, the VIP that Brent made out with, is coming back to the club, and now Brent feels awkward. He doesn’t want to make Sara mad, so he’s just gonna ignore the VIP client. I’m sure Panos will love that.

Mike and Jules immediately go hang out and flirt in the ocean, which is exactly what Panos told them not to do. Jules is here for a good time, not a long time, but there’s definitely going to be trouble.

Brent and Jonitta sit down to figure out a spa menu for Alesso, which seems like it shouldn’t be their job, but whatever. Jonitta finds some fancy Himalayan salt in the kitchen, so I’m sure everything will be fine. Natasha shows up, and she immediately requests that Brent come say hi to her. Brent acts like a little f*cking baby, and refuses to come at first. Then Panos has to force him over, and it’s literally the most awkward hello I’ve ever seen. Mike says that Brent needs to “nut up or shut up,” and I just spit out my drink.

Alesso shows up, and he has a swollen foot. Lindsay goes full Red Cross nurse, wrapping a bandage around it and barking orders in her fake Russian accent.


Brent tells Sara about what went down with Natasha, and Sara literally could not care less. I’m glad to see Brent is tanking his job to impress a woman who doesn’t want him. It’s what he deserves.

Lindsay tells us that her biggest fear in life is being judged. Does she not remember that she literally tried to kidnap children on Instagram Live? She’s waltzing around the club with a machine gun that shoots champagne, and I have several thousand questions. She lines up all the VIP Hosts and shoots them with the champagne, and all the women are very stressed about getting their hair wet. It’s a tough life here at Lohan Beach House.

It’s the next day, and the VIP Hosts have the whole day off. So much time for drama activities! Sara tells Jules that she’s forgiven Brent, but I have one major concern. Sara keeps calling him “Brett,” and I really don’t think she knows his name. Panos calls Mike to tell him that the new Host, Alex, is someone he knows from back home. Mike is like, “Oh yeah, Alex, from work,” and then tells us that he and Alex have definitely f*cked. But now Alex has a boyfriend, and Mike is into Jules, so I’m sure this won’t cause any drama!

Narrator: It would cause drama, and lots of it. 

Suddenly it’s 10pm, which makes sense because I fully believe that these people slept all day. They go to dinner, and Mike drops the bomb about the new arrival. They stress for like 30 seconds, then hit up the club. While Mike and Jules are making out, Brent takes Sara and Jonitta to Alesso’s show at a different club. Panos sees Jonitta promoting Lohan Beach House, and is immediately impressed. Panos acts super tough to please, but the bar has been set, like, very low for these people.

No. NO. NOOOOOO. Brent asks Sara to be his girlfriend, and I have never been more angry. She doesn’t really say yes, but she continues to flirt and dance with him. SARA. 48 hours ago, this man called you a two. A TWO.

Alex arrives the next day, and he has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Mike picks him up at the airport, and then brings him back to the house to meet everyone. Jonitta says he’s the hottest guy she’s ever seen, and the women are heartbroken when they find out he’s gay. Jonitta tells him immediately about how Mike and Jules have been flirting, but Alex says he’s here for work and won’t get involved.

Alex: I’m not getting involved in the drama.

Aaaaand Alex doesn’t take Mike’s bisexuality seriously. I’m sure this is the last we’ll hear of this.

Back at the club the next day, Panos immediately compliments Jonitta, because there’s a first time for everything. The VIPs today are four Italian women with millions of followers, and the guys are assigned to serve them. Panos also calls Brent out for acting like a couple with Sara, and asks him to end the relationship on the spot. He doesn’t really answer, but Panos is not happy. Brent’s job for the morning is handing out fliers to convince people to come to the club on Monday, and he’s livid. Sorry, but I’ll watch Brent do “peasant work” any day.

The Italian VIPs show up, and Alex, Aristotle, and Brent are working with them. Alex is killing it, partly because he speaks Italian, and partly because he’s willing to make out with the girls. Panos and Lindsay are obsessed with him, and all the other Hosts are scared sh*tless. Will someone get sent home? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (4)

‘Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club’ Recap: Welcome To Mykonos, Betch

When Lindsay Lohan first announced her new reality show last summer, I’ll admit I was skeptical. Would it be good? Would it ever even happen? Well, the answer to that second question is yes, and in terms of the first question, we’re about to find out. Welcome to the first-ever Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club recap; I’m sure we’re in for a wild ride.

We open on a moody montage of Lindsay talking about her life. Lindsay has been working for 28 years, and I’m exhausted just thinking about that. Why can’t I disappear and then emerge as a club owner in Mykonos? Is this a career path I can pursue? HMU on LinkedIn if you know of any opportunities.

Now we’re meeting Panos, Lindsay’s business partner and creative director. Panos is “cutthroat,” but he also feels like LiLo is part of his family. Same. Panos is a fabulous Greek man, and you can already tell he wants to be the breakout star of this show.

So the whole premise of the show is that they’ve hired all these “VIP Hosts” from the US to work at the beach house for the summer. The hosts are now arriving, and we see Lindsay telling Panos like they’ve never discussed this before. It is 100% scripted, and I don’t even care. Oh reality TV, please never change.

Michael: “I’ve woken up in celebrities’ beds before.” Mike is bisexual, so I’m sure he’ll get in plenty of trouble this season.

Jules: Jules has experience as a “model marketing server,” so she’s not a bartender, just a hot girl who gives people their drinks. Sounds legit.

Brent: The token douchebag. His friends call him the “waitress slayer,” because he’s been fired for sleeping with everyone in the past.

Sara: She’s a Pakistani Muslim but don’t worry, she’s still a hoe.

Aristotle: Tbh, Aristotle is barely in this episode, and I can’t tell you anything about him, other than that he’s a snack.

Billy: Billy believes that, as a VIP Host, “You’re essentially a therapist for these people.” Oh no, honey no.

Gabi: Gabi shows up with blue hair, and she like to have a good time. “On a typical day she’s on top of the bar taking shots,” so I’m sure that’ll go over well with Lindsay.

Jonitta: She’s super pretty, kind of like Jordyn Woods, but with a job.

May: May tells us right away that she flirts with her clients, which I think is kind of implied in all of this. But good job May, thanks for being honest.

Lindsay and Panos are now reviewing these people’s files, as if they’re still deciding which ones to hire. The biggest issue with one photo is that Lindsay says “It’s like she wants to be one of the Jenners.” Okay Lindsay, cut the crap. ALL of these people want to be one of the Jenners. YOU want to be one of the Jenners. They invented this shit!

Staff Meeting #1: Panos is running the show, and he makes it clear that their job is to sell as much expensive sh*t as possible. Jonitta stupidly asks if they’re only going to be judged on sales, to which Panos replies “You’re going to be judged on everything, don’t worry.” All of these kids are like thank you Panos, but can we please meet Lindsay. Panos tells them to “Go back to the villa and rest up for your meetings with Lindsay tomorrow,” as if they have a half marathon in the morning.

At dinner, we quickly establish that everyone is single, clearing the way for this season to get spectacularly messy. Brent wastes no time, saying that blondes aren’t his cup of tea, and quickly turning his attention to Sara. He calls her “exotic,” and I fully want to crawl in a hole and die. Cut to her confessional, where she says he’s not her usual type, because he’s not a basketball player or celebrity. I have this same problem all the time.

They’re all partying in the pool after dinner and Lindsay and Panos show up unannounced in a Mini Cooper. This cannot end well. Lindsay acts like she just walked in and found a dead body in the pool. They’re just pounding some shots on their first night in Mykonos, give them a break. Apparently this is the perfect time to do introductions with Lindsay, because these producers are shady AF.

Gabi gets put on blast for only being in a bra at this impromptu meeting. Lindsay says “It’s like me going to meet Steven Spielberg in a bra and wet hair.” Lol at LiLo acting like she’s had any prestigious Hollywood meetings since 2005. Gabi is then told that she must dye her hair pink because the DJ already has blue hair, and according to Panos, “they’re not Avatars.” Panos is already more than I can handle, and I love it.

Jules moved back to Denver and is ready to “spread her wings and like whatever.” I think she’s looking for the word “fly,” but I can’t be too sure. Lindsay asks if she’s Buddhist (hard no), which is the perfect segue for Lindsay to talk about meditation. God, she’s crazy.

Lindsay then asks what Gabi would do if she and another girl liked the same guy. This seems like a completely inappropriate boss/employee conversation topic, but I guess the ~Lohan Brand~ hasn’t invested in an HR department yet. Lindsay is worried that Gabi isn’t here for the right reasons, and Gabi responds by admitting she’s there because she’s selfish. Lindsay claims Gabi wants her own show, and storms off.

After Lindsay leaves, the Hosts establish some house rules:

1. The smoosh room is open to everyone.

Oh wait, that was the only rule they said. Should be a fun time.

Now Lindsay is with Panos, and she’s crying. She’s still stressed about Gabi trying to take advantage of her. “I have no emotion when it comes to money and business.” Look, it’s 2019, can we stop talking about emotions like they’re a problem? Okay, this is actually sad. A few years ago, Lindsay’s ex hit her on the beach in Mykonos, and she vowed that instead of giving up, one day she would own that beach.

Now it’s the first day at the beach club, and Panos is mad that they’re late. Brent immediately gets in trouble for wearing a white blazer, and now he’s whining because he’s obviously the most stylish. How many episodes before Brent does something stupid and gets fired?

Lindsay has some rainbow eyeshadow going, and it is, um, a choice. She looks like she went to EDC a week ago and hasn’t washed her face since. She says she’s worried about looking old, so maybe she should try some makeup that doesn’t look like she got beaten up by a clown. I truly want the best for Lindsay Lohan, and this makeup situation is far from the best.

Our featured VIP client today is a model named Natasha, and Brent is assigned to be her b*tch for the day. Natasha obviously wants to f*ck Brent, which is annoying AF. He takes her swimsuit shopping across the street (normal), and then we see them fully making out in the cabana. Am I unclear about what VIP hosts are?? Is this a show about prostitutes?

It’s 7PM, and Panos is mad. Jonitta is lying down, wasted and the other hosts are just grinding on each other and ignoring the clients. Back at the house, Jonitta yells at Brent for not working hard enough, just seconds after we saw her drunkenly rolling around on a daybed. I love this sh*t already.

Staff Meeting #2: Panos is wearing a bright orange baker boy hat. I’m obsessed. He applauds Brent for being a manwhore, and calls Jonitta the weakest link. The 2020 election might be heating up, but I’m mostly here for Brent vs. Jonitta.

I’ll be honest, this was a wild ride. I enjoyed it more than I was expecting, and I’m very excited to see what this season has in store!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

Ronnie And Jen Are Starting The New Year With New Assault Charges

Happy 2019, everybody! While some people might set resolutions to lose weight or stop sh*t-talking their boss on gchat, the worst people to ever come out of the great state of NJ, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Jen Harley, decided to start their new year with new assault charges. That’s right, everyone’s favorite walking felonies are having a doozy of a 2019 so far, and it feels like a roller coaster ride. But not like, a fun roller coaster. Like the roller coaster you wait on line for for 4 hours, then goes upside down more times than you expected, and instead of it being awesome you throw up on your crush next to you. (Not that that’s ever happened to me, right SIX FLAGS?!). Since it’s such a wild ride, I’m here to breakdown WTF is going on with Ronnie and Jen. But please know that by the time this article is published, they could have already gotten back together and conceived another oops baby.

Let’s begin our beautiful tale on New Year’s Eve. While I was insisting that people take pictures of me with “my date,” aka a stranger’s Westie named Toby at the all-couples party I attended, Ronnie and Jen were out finding new ways to make a nine-month-old baby learn the meaning of shame. According to E!, “they got in a huge fight and she threw something at his head.” Please make a mental note, as this will play into the story later. The article doesn’t say if their daughter Ariana Sky was present for this fight, but I can only imagine she was, because Ronnie will want a witness to testify on his behalf. Even if he has to subpoena her.

She certainly can throw things, huh?

Next, TMZ reported that Ronnie is a person of interest in an alleged burglary at Jen’s house. Apparently Jen returned home after their altercation to find that her house had been ransacked, and the flat screen TV was smashed. Oh no! How will they watch themselves verbally abuse each other on Thursday nights? Tbh I’m a little suspicious of this break-in, considering Jen called Ronnie saying she had been burglarized earlier this season on Jersey Shore. How many fake times can one person’s house be broken into before they learn to dump their toxic relationship lock their doors?!

And finally, last night, People reported that Ronnie filed a police report alleging that Jen threw an ashtray at his head. She was mad about something she saw on his phone (obviously some other girl’s nudes), lunged at him, and as he left, she threw an ashtray that busted his nose and lip. And of course, this all happened at a strip club! This location reveal doesn’t change my earlier assertion that Ariana was there, because these are the kind of people that would definitely bring their baby to a strip club.  Teach ‘em early! But seriously, who would start their year off at a strip club? You have a small child! Just order Postmates and stay in with your kid! If Ronnie really didn’t want to start a fight, perhaps they should have had a family-friendly dinner at IHOP instead. At the very least they probably have less ashtrays there.

There you have it! It looks like 2019 is already looking bleak for the Ortiz-Magro-Harley clan. But hey, I’m sure 2020 will be Ronnie and Jen’s year!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

Chad Johnson Talks His New Show & Being Done With ‘Bachelor’ Girls

Christmas came a little early this year people because the new season of MTV’s Ex on the Beach premiers TONIGHT at 8pm ET and it’s about to be more lit than my Aunt Alice at Christmas dinner. If you’re new to the show then I’m here to publicly shame you here’s the premise: a bunch of unsuspecting singles show up to get trashed on a beach for a few weeks because that’s the broken world we live in and is apparently the only way we can meet anyone these days. The “unsuspecting singles” are all former reality dating rejects (think some of your favorites from The Bachelorette, Are You The One?, Big Brother, and more) who just “want to find love” and a new Instagram branding partnership. Just when they start to open up to someone and prove that they’re not the emotionally stunted circus animals we’ve come to know and love, surprise! The craziest ex MTV’s budget could track down shows up to literally and metaphorically take a blowtorch to whatever scraps of happiness they’ve managed to find. It’s like what I do on a Saturday night, but these people are actually getting paid for it. Fun!

And in honor of the premiere, we spoke with the man, the myth, the meathead Chad Johnson from ABC’s The Bachelorette because—brace yourselves, betches—he’s back on reality TV and DATING AGAIN. God help us all. In the interview we talked about his return to TV with Ex on a Beach, which Bachelor girls are sliding into his DMs, and if he’s still using meats as a coping mechanism. So, let’s see what he had to say!

So we all watched you on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor in Paradise. Did you always want to be on reality TV?
No, not really. It was never so much a plan of mine. I mean I had acted and modeled before, back in 2006, and so I kind of always had it in the back of my mind. I always thought that I would end up having done something from becoming really, really, really wealthy off of some business move and I then I would just be some crazy personality of some rich guy living out in LA or something and I’d get known that way. I didn’t know that it would be through reality TV before I made my millions, you know what I mean?

Yeah, so I’m guessing you never thought you’d find love on reality TV then?
Right, no. Um, that all came about because I had just got done taking care of my mom who had passed away from cancer and reality TV came about because that was the first time I really had the opportunity to date since I had been taking care of her. You know, she had just recently passed away right before I started filming The Bachelorette.

Speaking of The Bachelorette, I know you took a little break from reality dating after Bachelor in Paradise, but now you’re back! So tell us about your new show, Ex on the Beach.
Ex on the Beach was super fun. It’s a totally different world than being on The Bachelor. It’s wild, it’s crazy, but I loved the realness of it and I loved the realness of the people. I made some awesome friends. I mean, even with my friends I had some crazy fights. So you’ll see that for sure.

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Ex On The Beach is coming, just a little over a week away. Tune in Thursday December 20th on MTV (5pm pst, 7pm central, 8pm eastern time) #exonthebeach #eotb

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So, wait, how did you not know that your ex would end up on the beach? Like, how did they get you out there?
Yeah, I had no idea. The way I thought it was supposed to go was, I was just told that it was going to be an untitled dating project. So I thought, “okay, it’s something where I’m gonna be having drinks on a beach somewhere at a mansion, hanging out, and maybe just hooking up and having fun.” And then, they dropped the ex bomb on us, and from there we knew that they had done some research on us. You know, they must have found some way to track down the girls I’d been dating over the last couple years after the shows.

Is JoJo one of the exes who will show up? Please say yes.
Ha. JoJo is not one of the exes. I haven’t talked to that girl since the reunion actually.

What about Lace?
No, no. Nah, I’m done with Bachelor girls. If I want to date a Miss America pageant girl I’ll go to a Miss America pageant. Or I’ll just get on my Instagram DMs.

So who do you have your eye on this season?
So, I mean this season I tried to basically be open to anything. The first day, every girl was good looking so I talked to every girl there. I think you can kind of quickly tell who’s cool and who’s really not. The first few hours there it’s like you don’t want to hit on anybody because you want to figure out whether anybody’s cool or not.

So, like, I talked to Farrah and quickly realized that I, uh, did not want to talk to Farrah. Then I talked to Morgan, and I’ve navigated those waters before. A pretty blonde, white chick is easy for me to get to know her, what to say and do, and it’s just kind of typical for me. That’s what I know and that’s what was easiest at the time, to do what you know. So, like, if you eat chicken every day and then you go to an unfamiliar place then you’re gonna eat chicken.

So I talked to her and then I talked to Nicole—she was beautiful. I knew she was gonna take a little bit more work to get to know because she’s more closed off in terms of initially meeting people and I could tell that. So I knew I wanted to get to know her a little bit but I knew it would take more time.

So let’s get to the drama because I’m a messy bitch and live for that sh*t. You’ve mentioned flirting with Farrah and a few other girls, and I watched the trailer and it looks like you’re already playing two girls. Can you give us any hookup details?
Um I mean you’ll just to watch. So some stuff happens and I think it’s pretty abrupt and I think you’ll see that when you watch it. It’s drama and it’s messy, but it’s messy in a very, like, “Oh sh*t! Okay!” type of way.  

So would you say you’ve changed your ways after your Bachelor days or are you back on your bullsh*t?
Am I back on my bullsh*t? Uh, I mean, ever since The Bachelor, I’m older now. It’s been like two and a half, three years, and I’m in a different head space now, you know? My mother didn’t just pass away. I’m not in that angry, grieving stage like I was. I went through a period of three years just dating a lot, you know? So I’m not really in that stage anymore.

I think the show did actually help me learn a bit about myself. I learned to take people’s emotions seriously whereas, you know, before I was just hopping around from Instagram girl to Instagram girl for the last few years. And I think I actually grew with the show and now I’m just focused on my businesses—my health and fitness company, my podcast—and then maybe I’m dating somebody. So you’ll just have to wait and see that on the show.

So speaking of the show, what else can we expect from you this season? You talked about hooking up, but will there be any more fights? Or any bromances over meat?
Oh there’s definitely some meat involved. I think I punted some meat, I stole some meat, so, ah, that was fun. The ex girlfriend situation was unpredictable and that ex comes in and she’s not quite who I thought she was so that’s kind of interesting. There was a lot of fights, there was a lot of arguing but it was, like, in good fun. Even when people were mad we were still having fun, you know what I mean? Everybody was always fighting and I didn’t understand what they were fighting about because 99 percent of their fights were so stupid and, like, petty so I would just run in and just watch and laugh and try and figure out what dumb sh*t they were fighting over now.

So you are back on your bullsh*t, you just weren’t the instigator this time.
Nah. See that’s my thing I’m never the instigator. I’m a reactor. You know you mess with me, sure, I’ll mess with you back. You come at me, I’ll come at you back harder. In this show it didn’t happen to me too much where people were really coming at me. I mean, don’t get me wrong—there were some instances where people do come at me wrong, and I come at them, but for the most part it wasn’t like The Bachelor where every day I’m being attacked by people. And where I feel like I’m fighting for my life basically.    

Interesting. So is there any other tea you can spill for us?
Just be on the watch for Nicole’s, ahem, untapped crazy. 

And lastly—and most importantly—what is your favorite meat?
I’m gonna have to say, like, steak. I mean, I eat chicken every day but a good steak at the end of every week has got to be the best. Hard to find in a deli meat, but by far the most delicious.

So I guess some things never change. Well we can’t wait to see you bring the drama this season.
Yeah, but I think people are gonna see a different side of me and they’ll see that really I’m, like, a lighthearted, fun guy who does have emotions. I’m not an angry jerk. I think it’ll be a lot of laughs and a lot of fun and people will get to see a totally different side of me than they’ve ever seen before.

So there you have it, people, Hell has frozen over The Chad has changed! Don’t forget, Ex on the Beach premiers tonight on MTV at 8pm ET, but you can also catch Chad recapping and talking sh*t after each episode on his new podcast “Chad’s World”. 

Images: Giphy (1); @realchadjohnson /Instagram (1)