The Situation Got Released From Prison

The Jersey Shore family is finally complete again, as Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino was released from prison this morning. His release comes at the end of an eight-month sentence for tax evasion, which he began serving in January. Many of his Jersey Shore castmates were on hand for the release, which will conveniently be a storyline on an upcoming season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.

The Situation was released at 8:30 this morning, and per TMZ, he and his wife wasted no time making a statement to the press. “We are elated to finally close this chapter of our life. Thank you to our family, friends and fans for the continuous love and support during this time, it brought us so much peace and comfort. We look forward to continuing our life as husband and wife and working on baby situations!”

Wow, I love a post-prison statement. I especially like the referent to “this chapter of our life,” as though Mike was just gone on an especially long business trip or something. I’m also chilled to the bone by the thought of baby Situations running around, but I expect that his wife Lauren will be pregnant by the time I finish writing this sentence.

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Funfetti cake for everyone because The Situation just got the G-T-HELL out of prison. Link in bio for this morning's big release. (?: @anthony.serrantonio)

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We don’t yet have any footage of The Situation post-prison, and we don’t know exactly which Jersey Shore people were there, but TMZ’s sources said that most of the cast took flights on Wednesday to be there.

Even though The Situation isn’t behind bars anymore, this is far from the end of his legal journey. He’ll spend the next two years under supervised probation, and is also expected to complete 500 hours of community service. I look forward to the next season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, which will hopefully include lots of footage of Mike wearing a neon vest while picking up trash on the side of the Jersey Turnpike. Truly giving a new meaning to trash TV, and I’m here for it.

Regardless of Mike’s probation situation, it seems like he’s doing a lot better than Joe Giudice, another Jersey reality star who spent time behind bars.  Joe, the husband of RHONJ star Teresa Giudice, was released from prison this spring, and has remained in custody while fighting his expected deportation to Italy. This week, there were new reports that his fight is about to come to an end, as a final decision about his deportation will be made very soon. Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of Jersey reality TV to watch in the next few months, because I’m not about to miss any of this drama.

Images: enews / Instagram; Giphy

4 Tips To Make Wedding Dress Shopping Less Stressful

In November 2018, I married my college sweetheart, Mike Sorrentino. One of the most memorable and surreal moments of the entire experience was my first time trying on wedding gowns. I planned our entire wedding start to finish in roughly two months, so I didn’t have time to waste on decisions, especially when it came to wedding dress shopping. I decided on both my wedding gowns in just 30 minutes. I swear, it’s true! But that’s because I went in prepared. Right off the bat, I had in mind a few dresses I liked and wanted to use as inspiration for my gown. I had Pronovias, Ines di Santo, Marchesa, and Zuhair Murad bookmarked as my favorite bridal designers while researching before my appointment. I went into the store with a mission, and really didn’t consider the possibility of not finding a dress I loved. Plus, I made sure the place I was going to carried my preferred designers ahead of time, which was a big help to stay ahead of the game.

Here were some of my top picks for inspiration.

Obviously, I’m not saying you need to choose dresses like these, as they should be to your personal taste. But I am saying you should have a few options either printed out, saved to your phone, or bookmarked in your brain, and concrete reasons why you like them. That way, you know what elements to look for in other gowns. For example, I chose the Zuhair Murad dress on the left because I love the fuller skirt and heavy embellishment; I like the Marchesa one in the middle because the feathery light detail at the bottom of this dress is dreamy and ethereal; and I also love the Zuhair Murad dress on the right because I’m obsessed with the 20s feel of this gown and the embellished cape.

When it comes to wedding dress shopping, it is possible to get a dress on your first appointment and not spend hours in the store and have it be a miserable experience. Here are a few wedding dress shopping tips you should keep in mind, based on my personal experience, to make the whole wedding dress shopping process less stressful (and, dare I say, actually fun).

1. Do Your Homework

Like I said above, don’t show up to a boutique expecting people to read your mind. Have a Pinterest board ready to show your stylist. Even if you can’t verbalize what details you like, the stylist will be able to identify the common thread between the photos to make sure you’re happy with what she pulls for you to try on. (But it’s way easier if you do verbalize the details you like, as I did in my example above.)

2. Don’t Bring Too Many People

If you’re going wedding dress shopping, I’d advise you limit your guest count to 4-5 max if you have a hard time making decisions. The more people you bring, the more opinions you have that may sway you away from your vision. If you’re like me and don’t care what anyone else thinks, then bring your whole bridal party! I picked my dresses (yes, two) in 45 minutes TOPS. It can be done. 

3. Don’t Make The Process More Stressful Than It Needs To Be

Enjoy yourself! You’re getting married! This is fun! It can be a stressful time with all the detailed decisions and lifetime commitment and all, but make sure to enjoy this special bonding moment with your friends and the amazing multi-generational women in your family if you’re lucky enough to have them around!

4. Trust Your Gut

The best piece of advice I could give any future bride is to stick to your gut instinct. A women’s intuition is everything, so take a moment (or a day or a week) to decompress after your first time wedding gown shopping experience (if you need it), but don’t second guess your first instinct! Don’t doubt yourself. As sure as you know you want to marry your soon-to-be husband, you’ll know what the right dress for you is as soon as you see yourself in it!

And because I’m sure you’re all super curious about which dresses I went with, I’ve included them below.

Dress 1

Dress: Pronovias

I knew I wanted long sleeve lace for my main gown, meaning the gown I’d be married in and wear for our formal photos and first dance.

I love long sleeves on a bridal gown. To me, it’s just super chic, and the lace combination really added a romantic feel. Plus, there’s a traditional aspect to long sleeves on a wedding gown.  I didn’t want too much sheerness or anything corseted. I wanted to stick to a semi-traditional silhouette in that sense. 

Tip: What I didn’t realize was that even though I had a fall wedding, I definitely worked up a sweat taking photos and socializing the whole day. Had we gotten married in spring or summer, I probably would’ve gone the strapless route or worn an off the shoulder look.

Dress 2

Dress: Stephen Yearick

For the second dress, I went with the mermaid and fit and flare look. When going for a more fitted look like I did, I think as long as it’s done tastefully it can be as beautiful and timeless as a traditional bridal look. 

Tip: Balance is key! You don’t want to do fitted, sheer, cleavage, corsets, etc.—it’s just too much! As someone with big boobs, I didn’t want them to be exposed in either dress or to have too much sheerness along with a more fitted look so I went with a higher neckline.

Whether you’re buying one dress or two or five (hey, no judgment), it’s important to go into your appointment with a clear idea of what you like and don’t like. But above all, enjoy the process! You’ll only wear the dress once, so have fun with it.

Follow Lauren on Instagram and Twitter

Images: Charisse Kenion / Unsplash; Michael Romeo Creations (2); Zuhair Murad (2); Marchesa

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Bromitment, Thotchella, Four Guidos & a Baby

I honestly can’t even remember what happened last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, was it that uneventful? I vaguely remember the girls leaving while Pauly tried to commandeer a secret guy’s weekend that Mike almost ruined. Because he ruins everything. And J-Woww left early because she’s still mad about the f*cking Mother’s Day video. Anyway, we pick back up on Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode 7 in a not very surprising spot: Mike is stuffing his face and looking at himself in the mirror.

Mike: Thick is the new thin.

I mean true, but like, Mike, if I have to pretend to like kale and go to the gym, so do you. We all want to lie around and eat funfetti cake all the time but we don’t. It’s called being an adult. It sucks. You know what? Nevermind, f*ck this, let’s all get fat together and eat funfetti cake all the time.

Literally all I’ve wanted to do for my entire life:

Ronnie is ruining brunch as per usual by listing all the things he has to buy for his baby now that he and Jen are separating. Ron, just order this sh*t on Amazon Prime and shut the f*ck up. It’s taking longer for you to bore us to death by announcing every item than it would for one-click shipping.

Vin: We are having four guidos and a baby day. We want to go to Ron’s house and set everything up for the baby.

…Why are they trying to fight me? What did I do to deserve this kind of boredom? You guys used to be fun.

Ron makes a fat-shaming joke about Mike being pregnant (not cool Ron, it’s 2018), and Mike is all, “Whatever, it takes a real man to rock a dad bod.” Who’s going to tell him that his abs were his only redeeming quality?

Pauly: Since Donald Trump is president, any reality star can be president, so like, I should be president.

TBH, I would totally take President DJ Pauly D over Trump any day. What does that say about our country?

Ron fills in Pauly about Jenni leaving. Then we see Snooki driving to Jenni’s in Jersey. Oh, I swear to God, Jenni, if you f*cking mention that video again, I will cut you. Nicole is wearing MASSIVE fake eyelashes, which seem like a bit much for a fighting-with-a-friend-at-her-home kind of event.

Jenni: I left because I wasn’t into it and then you invited Angelina and then THE VIDEO…

Snooki: Why didn’t you call me and say it hurt your feelings that I wasn’t in the video?

Solid point, Snooki.

Jenni: But like how’s your new best friend?

So I guess hanging out with no one but children makes you a f*cking child yourself.

The guidos are shopping in the baby store. It’s all weird and sad.

Pauly to cashier: Do you have anything for when the dad cries more than the baby?
Scared cashier: Um. No.

Pauly then gets in trouble with her by putting a sticker of his own face over a baby’s face on a product. She makes him remove it so he sticks it on her back. It’s kind of funny.

So Jenni and Snooki are having a little b*tch fight where Jenni is saying she almost left without even telling her (not helping her case TBH), and Jenni is still complaining about Angelina. They just eventually give up and decide to let it go.

Jenni: It’s all about Namaste and hug that sh*t out and move on.


Jenni with this f*cking video:

So the guys go back to Ronnie’s house, where Jen has already moved out. Side note: Love how they keep dividing these scenes back and forth between the girls and guys because they are both sooo dull to sit through all at once. They walk in to find Ronnie’s huge TV smashed on the ground. Ron says he wasn’t even there for that rampage. They all go upstairs.

Pauly: Are we gonna do a reenactment?

Then they walk up what they refer to as the “famous staircase”. It’s the staircase where Jen was Instagram Live filming one of their fights.

Pauly: Ronnie’s hair looked terrible during that fight. I must have watched it four million times.
Mike: I actually don’t get starstruck by Ronnie’s stairs… you know what I’m saying?

They go upstairs and Jen has destroyed another TV. Like… why always the TVs? What did they ever do to you? The guys help Ron remove the damaged TVs. Naturally, the next step is to put the Baby Bjorn on Mike. He puts his bag of chips inside of it. He’s dancing with his chips. Oh my God, am I Mike? Is Mike me? I feel personally attacked.

They clean everything out and then they’re like, oh let’s eat.

Mike: Now you’re speaking my languages.

Mike, you can barely speak one language. Just stop.

The guys get ready to go out and I swear someone better cheat on their significant other because I am so over this baby stuff. Mike arrives wearing a yellow sweater.

Vin to Mike: Waddup, Curious George.

Why does Mike always wear pastel sweaters now? Is he auditioning to be a Chanel? Is this part of his “I Don’t Belong In Prison” scheme?

Ronnie pats himself on the back for keeping his temper the whole trip and everyone is like… is he… is he serious? He literally tried to fight some rando in the bathroom at the pool.

Pauly then announces that he and Vinny are having a bromitment ceremony. Where is Barney Stinson? We are really reaching for drama on this show. They legit pull up to a wedding chapel. They’re making Mike be the flower girl because he’s already dressed like one.

Wedding chapel person: Do you want to hear about our packages?
Pauly: I’m getting married because of his package if you know what I mean.

What is happening?

What am I watching?

What is happening to my life?

Pauly to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.

Mike helps Vin get ready and Ron helps Pauly.

Vin puts on a tiara and veil.

Vin: I look like a beekeeper.
Ron: This marriage is perfect, he’s white, you’re tan.

I have so many questions.

Vin to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.

Huh, maybe Vin and Pauly are meant to be.

Ron: This is the closest I’ve ever been to a wedding chapel in Vegas. It smells like regret.

Mike flower-girls down the aisle by throwing the flowers over his head. Vinny walks down the aisle.

Oh, they’re getting married by Elvis.

Pauly: I never pictured my bride to have a beard.

They show a montage of their friendship. Oh God, they have vows.

Pauly: Vinny. Ever since the moment you walked into that shore house. The second we worked together at the T-shirt shop. Before you had a beard. And I met your family in Staten Island. And I realized Staten Island was an actual island. I knew that it was gonna be you.

Vin: Pauly. We don’t look like we belong together. You’re orange, I’m pale. You have muscles, and I don’t. But at the end of the day, you’re the ying to my yang, and I want to do T-Shirt Time together for the rest of my life.

They do the rings.

Vin (in his interview): Don’t tell him I said this, but it’s a little gold ring, and the guy is covered with ice, like, get me some diamonds, bro.

They totally f*ck up the kiss and do a bro-y hug, complete with back pats so it’s not gay. (Seriously, why do men do this?) What did I just watch though?

Now Snooki is meeting up with Jenni and Angelina to work through their issues. Why don’t we just agree to stop inviting Angelina places? Problem solved. I’m getting another glass of wine to get through this. Snooki is giving Angelina advice on how to look classy while her hair looks like an insane Pomeranian.

Snooki: Remember how I invited you to Vegas so you could make up with Jenni?
Also Snooki: I don’t want to be in the middle of this.

Pauly is now molesting Vinny in bed while attempting to wake him up. Mike harasses Ron into being the first ones at the buffet. The woman working at the buffet says he’s been there so often, he’s like family. Mike and Ron are walking through the lines of the buffet and Mike is telling him every single dish.

Ron: How long have you worked here?

I assumed they were getting breakfast because they just woke up, but Mike is eating pasta, steak, mac and cheese, fried rice, and ice cream???

Since Mike and Ron are the only ones here and we already talked about food, obviously the only subject we can now discuss is Ron’s baby and baby mama. He says he hasn’t talked to Jen at all and it’s left to the lawyers now. Probs a good idea, considering she ran you over with her car for much less than this. Now that that topic is covered, we again go back to food.

Mike: I have to eat everything now because when I get home it’s back to the diet.
Ron: Will Lauren even recognize you?
Mike: She knows I hold my weight well.

Ugh, I wish I did. I look like Jack Skellington with a pot belly when I gain weight. Those PSLs are my true Nightmare Before Christmas.

Snooki calls Jenni and basically holds her to lunch with Angelina at gunpoint.

The boys are all looking at themselves and Mike is like, “damn boy you thicc”, to himself but like, he’s so thicc that Vinny can’t fit in the frame. They all go out to Drais, which Pauly claims is his “favorite” but I’m pretty sure it’s where his residency is, so it’s more like “pays his bills”.

They have a cabana with a hot tub and there are tons of girls in bikinis. Serious question: who wears a bikini to a nightclub? Like they obviously planned on going in the hot tub? It’s so weird.

Mike: What is this, a THOT tub?

Sarcastic Clapping

Mike claims that all the girls are hitting on him. Somehow I doubt it, but sometimes people act weird and sad in order to get on TV, so it may be true.

Vin: They say it’s the thot that counts, but right now, I’m counting thots.

They’re bringing tons of girls home although the only people trying to hook up are Pauly and Vin. Why isn’t Ron? It’s like I don’t even know him now.

Pauly: We have a stripper pole in our shower.
Thot: Ooooh show me.

WTF, where do people like this exist?

ALSO, this girl walks through the whole hotel in nothing but her bikini. Like, you didn’t wear a cover-up over it at all? Don’t you have a purse? Or like… shoes? This floor is f*cking dirty!

Pauly leads the girl to the shower where she immediately takes her top off and starts dancing like a stripper. I’m beginning to suspect these women were paid.

Mike is horrified. He’s closing his eyes.

Mike: Asses are everywhere. Not today, Satan.

The thottiest thot walks up to Mike and says, verbatim, “wanna play?” confirming these girls were definitely paid. It’s like these guys are now so undesirable, the producers paid for strippers to make it seem like they could still smush like the good old days. Tragic.

The girls are twerking on everything and everyone. Again. Paiiiiid. Probs paid well. Mike orders burgers and fries that definitely look like they’re from In N Out. Except one girl has chicken nuggets??? They don’t sell those at In N Out.

One of the girls goes in and interrupts the smushing to give them burgers. Mike tries to go to sleep and some girl starts crawling all over Ronnie. (cough cough PAID.)

Pauly:  This was the best trip ever, we had the Bromitment ceremony, Thotchella, and Four Guidos and a Baby.

That was like the last episode. Before that, nothing even happened except Jenni whined a lot and Jen tried to murder Ron.

I guess we’ll see next week when everyone is somehow back at The Shore??? Why is this happening?

Images: Giphy (7); MTV

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Keto Guido Dies

On Jersey Shore Family Vacation, Jenni v dramatically announced she was leaving last week due to Snooki bringing her rando friend into the house and generally just sucking overall. Tbh, I don’t really care if Jenni leaves at this point considering her mostly tragic outfit choices and her psychotic obsession with her friends making her a Mother’s Day video. Vinny has had more important matters to deal with, as his uncle passed away unexpectedly. Which means we will most likely be without wit or solid one-liners for the entire episode.

So Angelina is excited that Jenni is leaving, which surprises no one. She like, really wants to be Jenni. It’s creepy. Snooks freaks the f*ck out, but according to Jenni, she wasn’t in the Mother’s Day video so it’s whatever. What is with this f*cking video? Who expects their friends to be in a Mother’s Day video for them and freaks out when everyone thinks it’s weird? Is she confused? Does she think she birthed Snooki?

The Situation: It’s like a chihuahua trying to fight a pitbull. We all know how that ends.

Yeah, pitbulls actually tend to be pretty sweet and docile while chihuahuas are loud, aggressive assholes that attack and draw *tiny amounts of* blood.

Oh no, Joey arrived. He’s already annoying.

Ronnie: Let’s invite Joey when everything is spiraling out of control in everyone’s life.

If I’m agreeing with Ron, something terrible has happened. They’re all going out to a club and Pauly brought Keto Guido Cheese, who he has now renamed Skinny Vinny. But he unfortunately doesn’t last long, because Angelina takes a f*cking bite out of Skinny Vinny. Which according to Snooki, is cheese that has been out of the fridge for three days. I don’t even know the kind of diseases you get from that, but it’s pretty on brand for Angelina overall.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation

Meanwhile, Joey is taking his shirt off and drinking out of the ice bucket. Pretty much the amount of class I’d assume from Snooki’s BFF. Ronnie has to have a conversation with Joey about personal space, which, like, what?? If Ronnie is telling you about boundaries, where are your life choices, Joey?

Somehow it gets worse. Then he sexually harasses Sitch, who btw, is engaged.

Joey: If you see me in the shower, you might get aroused.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation

Joey, he’s just not that into you. Or even attracted to men. Sitch then sics Joey on Pauly. Speaking of Pauly, he is super drunk, and then starts dirty dancing with none other than DIRTY HAMSTER Angelina. Who is supposedly engaged, but is this the same guy that she cheated on before who didn’t care? What does it matter at that point? She’s basically dance molesting Pauly.

Mike: It was debacher-ary. It was befuddling.

He should be required to define both of those words. Snooki thinks Ang cheated because she was basically humping Pauly on the dance floor. Which, like, fair.

In the cab home, Pauly tells Angelina to just let him know if she wants to have sex with him. This has been all Ang wanted for the last decade, soooo I’mma say she’s going to take him up on it. Also, ew. Pauly is soooooooo drunk. Mike is babysitting him and walking him to the room while Pauly comments on how he needs the hotel’s wall sconces in his own home. Pauly then drunkenly drags furniture around then passes out on the couch. Meanwhile, Joey and Snooki are annoying. They ride the escalator as a roller coaster and talk about how Snooki doesn’t dress slutty because she’s classy now. Jenni is so over her friendship with Snooki and packs her sh*t and leaves before the roommates break up. That’s f*cking mean, even in this context.

Vinny is back home getting his ass wiped by his mother, as he’s always dreamed. Then they talk about babies (why) and then Vinny mentions he doesn’t want a baby and always uses protection. To which his mother responds, “Yeah, I find them in your laundry. The gold wrappers.” F*cking ew. At least throw your condom wrappers out, you nasty.

ya nasty

Everyone goes to the pool where there is one of those pretend surfing stations. They force Joey to do it because he’s only here for the cast’s humiliation. He basically lies flat on the board and then gets owned and his bathing suit falls off. Sooo… I guess he fulfilled his purpose?

Ron goes to see a lawyer and I’m v sick of this storyline so I didn’t bother listening.

Apparently it’s their last night in Vegas and they’re going to see Chippendale’s. I didn’t realize it was their last night—like so Jenni left literally one day early? She couldn’t stay one additional day to ride it out? Also, love how no one seemed to notice that she’s gone. Or care. Maybe Granni Jenni should check her attitude before season 3 if she wants to be invited back.

Pauly wants to have one extra boy’s night in Vegas and is convincing Mike, Ronnie, and Vinny to stay to hang out with him without the girls. By “girls”, I mean Snooki and Angelina and Joey, all of whom are terrible.

At the Chippendale’s show, some guy takes a shower??? This is part of the show? Then Angelina goes up on stage and they basically molest her. She also takes off some guy’s pants on stage. All of this is aggressive. Oh, and then the show is over. They didn’t really sell it for me.

The Situation rehashes his stripper days, which we already know were awful, because well, he’s awful and his dancing was awful. He then finally admits that his dancing was so bad he was demoted to waiter. That took almost 10 years for the truth to come out.

It’s officially the last day and Angelina complains that she doesn’t want to leave Vegas yet. And it’s like, f*cking obviously, you’re irrelevant in real life and it took you forever to be included by the group.

Pauly is still coercing everyone into one more guys day and instructing him to pretend he is leaving so the girls don’t stay. It’s a perfect plan, except for the fact that all of this is on TV, guys, so they’ll see this and totally know. Mike immediately goes to the girls and says something like, “I’m staying here,” revealing the secret plan.

Pauly: Mike, shove food in your mouth, just stop talking.

They should have kidnapped Mike for the guy’s weekend and not actually told him anything. Duh. Pauly has decided that GTL has changed to the girls’ appearances, with the “L” now representing Lips. Because they have crazy f*cking lips.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation

Ronnie blames women for his sh*tshow of a life, which, really? This is totally your fault.

Jenni and Deena meet up in real life. Tbh, I’m over both of them. They’re boring and old and cry about their husbands and babies all the time and I just have no interest in it.

So everyone goes to the pool, which Pauly declares it’s PMS time, because it’s Pauly-Mike-Snooki time, and it’s “their time of the month.” Then Joey found a guy that looks identical to him and makes out with him literally sitting right next to everyone else and it’s super awkward. During this time, Vin calls Pauly, and Pauly tells the girls it’s his mom. Mike then again rats out that he’s not leaving to the girls. Mike, are you sure you’re sober? You are so dumb, you’re behaving like someone who is on drugs.

Angelina is packing and saying she had a great time and she had to “make her mark” to which Pauly clarifies, her “skidmark”. Vinny is hiding in the lobby waiting for the signal from Pauly that the girls are gone so guy’s weekend can start. Pauly is so over the girls, he’s not even sad they’re leaving, he’s more like, “K bye, f*ck off.” Which tbh, I share feelings about the girls right now. Why were they all so boring?

I guess next week is going to be just guy’s weekend? It’s the finale, yes? I don’t know what’s happening anymore.

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Don’t Impregnate Crazy Women

After a boring summer without enough GTL, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is back! We’re excitedly waiting to see if Ronnie finally got the balls to stay single, if Mike’s going to prison, if Angelina is going to be a regular (God, please, no), if J-Woww found her personality, and what a preggo meatball Deena will be like. The season preview was literally just them screaming at each other.

We open up to Ronnie and Baby Mama Jen having a baby shower. Ronnie, you f*cking moron. If your woman is throwing you out of a moving car, if you’re trying to cheat every two seconds, just break tf up. Why must I tell you this? Ronnie is such a good dad, he went to London when Jen was about-to-burst pregnant and landed when she went into labor. And he literally complains that he had to fly back for the birth of his child. A dream parent, really. We’re 30 seconds in and I’m already mad at you, Ron.

Ugh, God, I hate babies. I mean, ooooh looook little guido baby. Cuuuuute. Let’s get on with the show, people.

Oh, here’s generic blonde Lauren and Mike, talking about their dream wedding abroad, ruined by Mike’s impending prison sentence. It’s so annoying when your crimes prevent you from your special day plans, amirite? Love that none of this is a red flag to Lauren, but hey, she let Mike break up with her several times to f*ck other women, and took him back again and again.

Now Pauly and Ronnie are playing with his tiny meatball baby. By “playing”, I of course mean “staring at it” because that thing is barely alive at this age. Oh my God, here we go with a hilarious montage of Ronnie and Jen’s totally abusive and nasty messages to each other with Ronnie screaming over it. Yikes. They’re really glossing over how problematic this is.

And now we’re somehow cutting to lunch with Snooks and Angelina being fake polite to each other. Oh good, Snooki bought her adult diapers. Oh good, they got their boobs done together. I have no interest in this.

Vinny is talking to his mom about how much happier he is without the Instagram Model in his life. Now he can save all the strippers he wants! Oooooh, I totally forgot this season is going to be in Vegas. Funny how for Jersey Shore there is no Jersey Shore in sight. Guess they’re still not allowed back then? TBH, I didn’t even know what the Jersey Shore was before this show, so maybe they should be thanking MTV.

J-Woww is all, “Oh everyone thinks babies are so easy!”, like no b*tch, babies look like life-ruining nightmares, but okay. Her baby is two and doesn’t speak yet and has to go to therapy. I don’t know at what age babies usually speak at, but I’m assuming this is bad? While I do feel bad she’s worried about her kid, quiet kids seem way easier, soo…

The girls meet for drinks (food?) and apparently Angelina called Jenni a Jersey Whore which she finds really offensive. I’m disappointed in you, J-Woww, you used to be proud of being a Jersey whore. Deena announces that she’s not coming to Vegas due to her pregnancy, which like, good. Sorry D, you spent all last season falling on the ground and crying about your husband. I’m imagining pregnancy hormones are worse than alcohol, yes? I could do without it.

The guys arrive in a ridiculous suite at Planet Hollywood. It has a stripper pole in the shower.

Vinny: Ronnie’s gonna be single by like dinner.

He’s still with Jen after the violence and the weird little Instagram montage? Oh, Ron. Also Vin, Ron does not have to be single to f*ck strippers, which we’ve learned many times over. I remember when they had a little tiny (but really gigantic) beach shack above the T-shirt shop. Ah, memories. Pauly calls Ron out for posting two days prior on social media that he is single; now he’s saying he and Jen are good.

Mike: Ron’s acting like Puerto Rican Jesus. He says he’s working things out but how long will that last.

Mike, I think we remember the Bible differently.

Ronnie doesn’t want to go to a strip club. Also, can we discuss Mike’s shirt? Like, it’s not a bad shirt, but it just doesn’t look like him. He doesn’t look right next to the other guys.

Ronnie: I don’t want to go anywhere with Mike in that shirt.

Oh f*ck, if I’m agreeing with Ronnie, I need to rethink my entire life.

The girls arrive in Vegas!

Oh wait. I forgot. Sammi’s dead, Deena’s pregnant (which may as well be dead), and Angelina thankfully wasn’t invited yet because the producers are obviously going to surprise throw her on us later in the season. So the “girls” is literally just Snooks and J-Woww. And J-Woww still looks like a librarian, so she really doesn’t count. Snooki better step it up this season, that’s all I have to say.

We’re almost done with this episode and literally nothing has happened.

Snooks: Mom’s are here!

See? Having children makes everyone boring. Snooki has an updated pouf, where it’s like as big as her old pouf, but it’s segregated in three pieces like a spiked crown. Is she going to party or rule the seven seas?

F*CKING SNOOKI, she just announced that she invited Angelina to replace Deena on the trip. Why are you doing this to us? Angelina left the first season, 10 years ago. She is cancelled. Snooki has failed me so far. J-Woww is pissed but you can’t tell because her face does not move.

Out of nowhere, Mike announces that he and the “Missus” are “experimenting in the bedroom.” File that under things I don’t need to picture, thanks. Ronnie is bringing the baby and Jen to show everyone (why do people always insist on showing you their babies? They all look like shriveled potatoes for the first six months). J-Woww super sketchily cuts to her interview where she announces: I have a secret.

Apparently, she reached out to Jen after #SocialMediaGate. Now she’s worried Jen has told Ron that she once again inserted herself in the middle of his relationship. Like, why would she even talk to Jen? She doesn’t know her. Jen brings the shriveled potato up to their room. Snooks and J-Woww cry and say she looks just like Ron. They say this like it’s positive. Can you imagine Ron as a woman? That is going to be a hideous child if she doesn’t grow out of this. Don’t put that on her, guys. Vinny’s ovaries explode at seeing the baby. Oh my God, Snooki tries to smile at the baby and her face is so puffy and frozen it ends up like grimace. That is so scary and also so hilarious. Why do people do this to their face? Who is allowing her to have this much botox?

Mike to Jen: I don’t know what you did to this man, he’s a different person now.

Mike, Ronnie said no to the strip club. Once. One time. Two days ago he was announcing over social media that he was single. A little before that, he was engaging in totally abusive and violent arguing with Jen. But yeah, he’s a changed man. Mike is basically every woman ever.

J-Woww pulls Jen aside to talk and Jen says didn’t tell Ron anything about their conversations.

Jen: I told Ron I trust him 100%, and also if he f*cks up, I’ll find out.
Also Jen:

First of all, you should not trust him, he has given you a million reasons not to. Secondly, what is there to find out if you trust him? Run, Jen, run. Collect that child support and go. I cannot believe there is a woman in this world that wants to be with someone like Ronnie so badly that she’s willing to put up with this kind of garbage.

We end Jersey Shore Family Vacation season 2 episode 1 with Ron sending Jen off. Let the sh*tshow begin, friends.

Oh wait, there are two episodes back to back.

Okay, I guess I have to do this all over again now. I mean, fine, but something actually interesting better happen.

The group is talking about Ron and Jen behind their backs. What else is new? I am sooooooo embarrassed for Jen. This man drove you to getting into a physical altercation in the car with your baby, throwing him out of the car in front of said baby, and then running him over with it. But yeah, I’m sure it’ll work out now, guys. Or you could just break up.

Oh sweet Jesus, Mike is getting tanner by the second. He looks like OG Snookie. As if on cue, Vin starts singing the Oompa Loompa song. Ronnie says he’s glad everyone got to meet the baby before Jen goes to Oklahoma. Why is she going to Oklahoma? Is she moving away or like, on vacation? Who vacations in Oklahoma?

Now we have a whole sequence of the boys playing with the sequins on pillows. Can you people be fun again, please?

WHAT is with Jenni’s severe bun in her interviews? She looks like one of the men from Mulan.

Jenni is crying because she wanted some kind of Mother’s Day video but her friends were supposed to be in it (?) and now she’s mad at them (?). Unclear. Also, I have trouble understanding people who talk without moving their mouths. This is why I have so many friends in LA. I just smile and nod because I don’t know what their Botox faces are saying. It makes me appear agreeable.

They all go to dinner.

Vinny: All I want is for someone to look at me the way Mike looks at a food menu.

Seriously, me too, dude. Mike orders half of the menu. Why is he insisting on being fat? He’s like “oh, whatever, it won’t matter because I’ll get ripped when I for sure go to prison”? Does anyone really do that? I’ve seen every episode of OITNB, and that was Piper’s goal too, but so far she’s lost some teeth and caused a lot of problems, but is def not ripped.

Jenni is now announcing that she’s mad at Snooki about the Mother’s Day video. I don’t get this? Why would any of these people be in her Mother’s Day video? These aren’t your kids. Even though you supervise Vinny’s haircuts. It’s weird and creepy. Jenni, you used to have real problems, like b*tches looking at you wrong at the club. Fun things. Then Jenni decides she really wants to cause problems over this stupid f*cking video, because although she made sure Baby Mama Jen didn’t tell Ron anything, she now announces that she’s been conspiring with her at the table to everyone. Why? Then she comes for Vin.

Jenni: If only you had cheated on Alicia (Insta model) like you cheated on your diet, you guys would still be together.

It took me a second to understand what the f*ck she meant, but I get it. Vin never cheats on his miserable and insane keto diet, but did cheat on his miserable and insane gf. Way harsh, Jenni.

Vin: I loved Jenni in The Mask, it was amazing.

Jenni: My face will go down in a day or two, but your ego and cheating ways will stay forever.

I mean. These statements are all true. But good to know that Jenni’s face is freshly shot up, maybe she’ll even make an expression by next week?

So Vinny and Pauly are both single but Ronnie isn’t, which means nothing to Ronnie, so basically they’re all single. Pauly is besties with everyone because they’re going to Drais, where he is the resident DJ. Pauly is so happy the “Smash Squad” is back. Didn’t they used to call it smushing?

Jenni is asleep in the club in the corner and she’s all giant scary lips. The guys say she looks like a mannequin and they are not wrong. Jenni, who are you? I don’t know this woman.

Ronnie is sitting in the corner. Like, you guys can still be fun even if you’re not cheating? Why are these the only options?

Jenni took Snooki with her in the cab. She is such a bore, I can’t take it.

Snooki: Did Bill Cosby drug you?

This. This is why we keep Snooki around. But also, too soon?

Back at the club, Vinny is educating us that all Canadian women are DTF because they’re basically men. Oooookay. Mike and his puffy orange face and indoor sunglasses pouts against the wall. Pauly and Vinny bring the slutty Canadians back and immediately put them in their beds. Like, fully dressed and with shoes on. What is this. Now there is a montage of Canada. Which is mostly hockey. I mean, this is definitely what I think all of Canada is, so fair. Pauly and Vinny send the girls away once they’re done with him. Just like old times!

Boring J-Woww wakes up at 8:30am, and all I want to know is how anyone can sleep in this severe bun. Does your head not hurt? She calls Roger to continue b*tching about Mother’s Day. Let it go, woman. This is like her entire personality, this Mother’s Day video. Everyone but Vin goes to breakfast. Mike orders chicken and waffles and french fries.

Mike: I do the keto diet with one cheat day. One cheat day, 3-5 times a week.

Weird, me too.

Ron calls Jen and apparently her flight was changed so she wants to come visit Ron. He’s like, f*ck no. And he basically explains that she’s really pure evil and he doesn’t want her around. Seems like this is going well.

They all go to a pool party and Pauly DJs. Mike is jealous he’s not getting enough attention, so he puts on this totally revolting giant panda head and dances around. So I guess Jen won, because Ron is spending the whole day moping that she’s coming out with them. Ron starts getting 400 texts from Jen yelling at him. Like, Ron, what did you do now? You haven’t even been here for 24 hours. Ron goes to the bathroom and gets in a little fight with some guy. Then security has to intervene. Like, can’t you just pee without causing a problem? He’s even doing aggressive clapping at the guy, which I didn’t know was still a thing. They are all forced to leave the party. Ron, you have a child, get your sh*t together!

Jenni: So since Jen is visiting, she likes tequila right?
Ron: I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m over it.
Jenni’s shocked face:

He’s literally throwing a tantrum that Jen is coming out with them. Like wtf? Just break up, you psycho. Being single is way more fun. Now Ronnie is crying because he doesn’t want to hang out with Jen. I’m exhausted from their relationship.

Mike: Relationships are tough, life is tough, it doesn’t get easier.

Mike, when you cheat on people and commit crimes that will send you to prison, you’re right. You’re not really the person to ask for advice here.

Ron is calling Jen repeatedly and muttering, “Where’s my daughter?” and crying. Unclear what’s going on here.

Ronnie admits to the group that Jen is basically holding the baby hostage from him based on his behavior. I mean, if you behave like a drunken psycho, I wouldn’t want you around my kid either. And my kid is a dog.

Jenni: Uh if you’re so scared of her taking your kid from you, why are you posting crazy sh*t all over Instagram and baiting her?

Seriously. She then tells Ron to leave Jen and get court-ordered custody so Jen can’t withhold the baby when she feels like it. He freaks the f*ck out and says it’s too hard. Like, he hates Jen anyway, what’s the problem here? Ron continues to play the victim and Jenni is like, “this is your fault for getting a crazy woman pregnant.” SERIOUSLY. Use protection, you idiot.

Oh I guess that’s it for this week. Let’s hope Single Ronnie comes out next week. And by Single Ronnie I mean Probably Still In A Relationship But Gives No F*cks Ronnie.

Images: Giphy (8)

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: Just Throw A Pie In Her Face

We’ve made it to Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 12, I think (wtf how many episodes per season? What am I supposed to watch when this ends? Becca be basic and boring AF on The Bachelorette?), we come in to Vinny’s mom being perfect and cooking for her ungrateful son who isn’t even here. Uncle Nino is v v aggressive and yelling. Then he approaches Sammi Sex Doll.

Uncle Nino: Oh! No teeth! That’s how I like them! God bless America!

Funnily enough, I didn’t even need to be told Uncle Nino was a sex offender, it was just obvious. The gang comes in and Vin is not thrilled Uncle Nino is here. Wasn’t he sooo obsessed with his Uncle Predator in previous seasons? Now he’s like, “Nino, your body is offensive,” which is not cool is say in 2018 but also, he’s not wrong.

Mike The Incarceration orgasms over the Italian cooking. Gross. Control yourself. Oh no, there’s funfetti cake.

Mike: I love funfetti cake. It’s my favorite.
*Two seconds later* Mike: I love funfetti cake. It’s my favorite.

Someone please hose Mike down. Uncle Nino is still complaining.

Vin: When I see Uncle Nino, I’m like, it’s Ronnie in 20 years.

Then he does an impression of both Nino and Ronnie grunting and gesturing and it’s like, whoa dude, you’re right. Uncle Nino is also creepily obsessed with Sammi Doll. And you just fucking know Ronnie was also stoked on her lack of teeth, that sick pervert. Uncle Predator proceeds to try to coerce Pauly into looking at his old, wrinkly balls. Nino then calls Mike “Sanitation” which is the opposite of anything to describe Mike. Then he calls Pauly (?) fat boy. K.

The girls are fawning over Vin’s Mom’s momming skills while Mike mysteriously leaves the kitchen with like, seven knives. Oh, he’s trying to open a coconut. Now he’s smashing the coconut. It’s a miracle someone has not died during this show.

Vin: We’re fucked if we’re ever stranded on an island.

Vinny, I hate to tell you, you are so fucked, and for many other reasons than this. Vin finally busts it open. Does opening coconuts qualify for drama on this show? I’m super surprised that they didn’t edit a trailer for this episode with Ronnie, aka Chunky Chunky according to Nino, saying something stupid and Mike pulling out a bunch of knives. THAT would be drama I’d watch. The girls decide to treat Vin’s Mom with breakfast. So they like, buy a shit-ton of pastries. K. That’s the same as her scouring your dirty-ass house and slaving over a homemade five course meal.

Ronnie regales us with the v romantic story of how he fell in love and decided to have a baby.

Ronnie: I went to Vegas to fuck this chick and within a week she got fucking pregnant.

I just hope I’m lucky enough to find this kind of true love some day. Oh wait, I’d rather kill myself. This is why you should just get a dog. Babies are always covered in mystery sticky stuff (which is the worst kind of sticky) anyway. Ronnie is crying about how he doesn’t trust Jen—that’s fucking rich—and he thinks she’s going to cheat.

Oh okay, because she’s already cheated. Soooo that’s what we call karma. Jenni is saying she feels “soooooooooooo bad” for Ronnie and this explains everything. Well wtf, he cheated on Sammi for no fucking reason, what was his excuse then? Also, there’s a special place in hell for the kind of fuck that cheats on his pregnant girlfriend (*glares angrily at Tristan*).

Deena: Well, YOU CHOSE to stay with her. So you need to move on.

Whoa, what kind of world are we living in where Deena is the voice of reason?? This is not a world I want to be a part of, guys.

Now we’re planning Mike’s  v romantic proposal. Pauly is going to DJ. V romantic club music for the proposal. Jenni has goosebumps. At that SAME FUCKING SECOND, Mike’s ring arrives. How long did the producers hold the ring to bring it to the door at the *perfect* moment? Then they show the ring. It looks like everyone I know’s engagement ring. I wonder if his Gf (whose name I do not recall as she is not interesting) cares that he def paid for this with essentially stolen money. Probs not if she hasn’t run yet?


LOL @ Mike trying to force the roommates to also write what he should say. Like, the fuck? What exactly will you do, Mike? Jenni seems like she wants to just propose to this chick herself. Let’s cut out the middle man. Jenni propose to Mike’s GF, and Mike, go home. Or to prison. Whatever.

Mike is mad that Jenni is taking over his proposal, but like, he also asked her to do everything. He didn’t even pick out his own ring. Oh look, generic blonde girl shows up. No wonder I don’t remember her. Apparently her name is Lauren. Why is every generic blonde chick named Lauren? Hey, maybe if this doesn’t work out, she could audition for The Bachelor. And, btw, what does Lauren see in our favorite Incarceration? He’s broke, possibly going to prison, getting chubby, and v annoying. The things women will do for TV. Or love, I guess. Either way.

Holllyyyy shit, Mike is showing her around and they stumble open a crumbled mess of Sammi Doll in the grass in the dark. Clearly discarded after Uncle Predator got ahold of her. Truly harrowing stuff here. Didn’t realize I was watching a horror film.

Ron suddenly lays into Mike, calling him dumb and saying he’s not a good guy. What. The. Fuck. Ronnie… You are calling someone else dumb? Why is Ron so obsessed with Mike? He also just outs Mike’s v lame prank intentions to fuck with Jenni by throwing a pie in her face. What are we, eleven? Jenni finally, finally shows some personality and loses her shit. She wants to ruin the proposal.

SIDENOTE. What the fucking shit is Jenni wearing? She is ponytailed, glasses, high-neck sweater, to go out in? She’s like the before girl in all those makeover movies, when they try to convince you the drop-dead gorgeous model/actress is an uggo by disguising her exactly like this. Laney Boggs, I can’t even pay attention to anything but your heinous look.

Now Jenni is fucking attacking Mike at the table. Again, all I see is Laney Boggs.


Oh, shit, what a sacrifice. Days on her fucking two month long vacation. She’s also doing all this when Lauren could come back at any moment.

Snooki: This is the worst.

Fuck yes, it is. Deena and Lauren are awkwardly sitting outside making v awkward small talk. Mike apologizes to Jenni and they hug it out, ensuring absolutely fucking NOTHING more will happen with either of their storylines. MTV, you make me fucking furious. They baited me that Jenni was going to sabotage Mike’s proposal and instead Jenni was like, “I’m fucking mad,” and Mike was all, “Oh I’m sorry,” and they SPENT A WHOLE EPISODE LEADING UP TO THIS.

Somehow all of this makes Ronnie miserable and he is crying about how much he doesn’t want to propose to Jen. If they hadn’t already broken up, she would be sooooo thrilled about this. OMG, he is crying about Sammi now. He is so, so pathetic.

Ron: I’m the same crying-ass bitch Ronnie.

Yeah dude, we can tell. Also they definitely go into the confession booth on their own. So he’s like, “let me go cry on camera real quick.” Sounds like a nice way to unwind before bed.

Can’t wait for all the NONE FUCKING DRAMA next week where Mike v boringly proposes to v inappropriate club music. I’m such a romantic.

Images: Giphy (5)

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: The Staten Island Dump Lives Up To Her Name

Tonight on Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 11, we left off with Jenni very carefully breaking up with Angelina. Still unclear why anyone invited her to stay in the house at all. Like Pauly, could you not have a prank where she shows up at the same bar as you? Then when you’re sick of her, you can just leave. This is exactly why I always host parties at bars instead of my home. If you let them into your house, people will never leave and then they touch my things.

Jenni: I want to get to know you more, but I also want you to go away forever.

Super fucking harsh Jen, especially because they’re in public. Like, you’re hoping to breakup with her in public so she won’t make a scene, obviously.

Angelina: I just wanted to be accepted by the group for eight years, even though they still don’t want me around.

Can you imagine wanting to be accepted by the Jersey Shore cast for eight fucking years? That’s a new low, even for you Ang. It’s killing me they’re all being like “oh, nostalgia, Angelina’s last night, we love you, wish she could have stayed.” You forced her to leave. It’s like those guys that dump you and are like, oh I wish we could be together. Like, that’s super weird, because we totally could be except, you don’t want me around.

The advice Angelina really needs right now:

Angelina wanted to go out with a bang, so to really secure her reputation on national TV, she shat herself in the cab. Great job, Angelina, I’m sure everyone will respect you now. This is obviously why they call her the Staten Island Dump.

Oh now Angelina’s saying it’s period shit. That isn’t a thing. I don’t think she knows how periods work. Also, must she keep talking about it? This is grossing me out.

Vin & Pauly: At least no one will ever find out! We’re not going to tell anyone!


Mike, who really, has he been here AT ALL?, is shocked to find out that Ang shat herself, even though he’s been sitting there the entire fucking time. Oh good, to help the situation, Ang is now trying to show us  her soiled fucking panties. I’m gagging. Get her out, get her out of the house, and burn her with fire, and possibly holy water.

Also. She’s trying to show her panties as proof she didn’t shit herself, but did she not immediately run to the bathroom when they got back to change said panties? Sooooo I’m not a fucking detective, but your evidence has been tampered with, bitch. Also, what the fuck kind of job is this that this is what I’m writing about right now? My parents are probs super proud. I have a $200,000 college degree and I write about whether The Dirty Hamster of Jersey Shore shat her pants or not. Changing lives.

Angelina: Everything was going so great besides the fact that they’re forcing me to leave, and now I ruined it because everyone thinks I shit my pants when I totally did.

Hate when that happens. I’m pretty sure they’re also repulsed by her for trying to force them to look inside her dirty panties. Like, that has got to be sexual harassment. I really like that Angelina then consults the Drunk Pants Shitting Expert of the house, Snooki. Angelina is crying because she’s embarrassed about the people in the house. Like. This is on national TV. It’s going to get so much worse.

Just when I thought I could not be more disgusted by Angelina, she wakes up with all her makeup still on. She does not take off her makeup or wash her face. Ohhhh and now, Angelina is trying to claim she doesn’t remember what happened. Classic.

Current Angelina to Last Night’s Angelina:

Angelina: I’m just really glad to show them how mature and classy I am now.

Yeah. That’s what we all got from this. Maybe next time you could bring Pampers.

Florida wasn’t enough of a vacation for our favorite guidos, so they all went to the Bahamas to really fuck shit up. Let’s hope that they all make an effort to be interesting for once—like I swear, you could cut half the cast off the show now and I wouldn’t even notice. Mike’s only storyline is that he eats, Deena’s is her crying over her relationship, Jenni’s entire personality is now wearing glasses, and Pauly is just kind of smiling in the background.

Me waiting for something to happen:

Meanwhile back in… Jersey… New York….? Idk, somewhere cold where Vinny is from, Vinny’s mom is freaking the fuck out that she can’t get ahold of him and wants to fly out to Miami just to check on him. What is like to be that loved? I could be dying in the hospital and my dad would still be like, “K, I’m really busy golfing right now, will you still be dying in about two hours?”

In the Bahamas, Mike is making lame excuses like the water in the Bahamas is too cold because he’s too embarrassed to take his shirt off. Apparently, The Situation no longer has an ab situation. Good thing we changed his name to The Incarceration. He also gives fellatio to a burrito as he hides his body.

Mike: I may be fat now, but I won’t be fat in late 2018.

Weird, that’s what I say too. Mike is now talking about his need to eat every two hours. Me tooooo. I love that the whole “eat small meals all day” thing is trendy right now. Except sometimes they end up giant, 900-calorie meals. But like. You gotta keep that metabolism stimulated. Mike has eaten chicken fingers, a burger, two orders of fries, brownies, cookies, and a cheese plate, and then promptly passed tf out. Right before dinner. Everyone is waiting for Mike for 45 minutes, and Jenni loses her fucking shit. This is exactly what happens to me when I’m hungry. I get real fucking mean if you try to keep me from eating, and God help you all if I’m also hot. Mike is now describing his stomach issues. Idk dude, maybe you shouldn’t eat everything in the world right before you go to dinner?


Now Mike is talking about proposing because we already talked about eating, and he’s only allowed to discuss two topics on the show.

Mike: Now that I’ve found my cellmate…

Oh sorry, he said soulmate.

Back in Miami, Vinny’s parents (or wait is that his uncle?) are storming into the house and screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK,” in thick Italian accepts. Love them. Vin’s mom is stocking the fridge anyway.

Deena: I love the Bahamas but I didn’t learn to speak any bohemian.

Sometimes I really wonder whether they feed Deena the things she says. Mike is insulting Ronnie by calling him pasta or something. Ronnie responds by calling Mike fat and telling him not to drop the soap. And that he has love handles for his new boyfriend, Bubba. Mike then says Ronnie cries a lot. Mike’s insults are not great. The gang talks about how dirty the house is going to be when they get home and how they should hire a cleaning lady. Cut to Vinny’s mom scouring the entire house. Can I borrow her? Like, is she adopting? Uncle Nino is smoking a cigar by the pool in his speedo, loudly complaining about the “squishy room”. Vin’s mom is now cooking. Wtf. Where do you get moms like this? I grew up eating fucking Doritos for every meal.

The episode ends with Vinny being a Mama’s Boy as always, and tbh, I can’t blame him. Why the fuck is he even here with this kind of service?

In next week’s previews, Mike is apparently going to propose and Jenni wants to fuck it up. Finally, some excitement from that corner of the group that hasn’t done shit all season. You’re letting Ron, Vin, and Snooks carry the team, guys. Step it the fuck up.

Images: Giphy (6)

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: Ronnie Is Trash

Here we are, friends, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 5. Did Ronnie fuck the Russian hooker? I’m going to say yes and he’s going to lie about it. He’s v v charming, and by charming, I mean repulsive lying pig, so his decisions will be in character.

Aw look, Pauly is Ron’s conscience. Except Pauly’s saying Ron “doesn’t want to do this”, and yet he very clearly does.

Ronnie still licking the hooker’s face: “We’re just taaaaaaaaaaaaaalking.”

Is Ronnie somehow unaware he is on camera? He literally just told the girl (as he’s walking her out) that “believe me, I wanted to finish.” Like, the fuck. You’re being recorded. Am I not being clear? YOU ARE BEING RECORDED. Your baby mama is going to watch this and unfortunately she’s stuck with you forever. Or like, at least the next 18 years. Don’t have children, people.

Ronnie is complaining that he isn’t ready for marriage or for relationships, like SPOILERS dude, you actually do not have to do these things. If you want to fuck around, do it. Just use protection and don’t tell someone you’re committed. Better yet, get a vasectomy. Is this somehow difficult to understand? What the fuck.

Ohhhhh my God, is this woman still with Ronnie? Is she? Particularly after tonight? He just cheated and now he’s talking shit that she’s not the one, he doesn’t love her, etc. Ronnie just admitted he wants to be with Sam. Jesus, take the wheel. Also? Btw? He isn’t with Sam because he cheated on her multiple times. So he was with who he is now saying is the love of his life and he still cheated. That means he’s just a piece of shit.

Jen, serious talk here. I know you’re Ronnie’s baby mama. I know you want help with this kid. But he is a fucking moron. Run, bitch, run.  I should be a marital counselor. I cannot believe people are even this dumb.

Oh shit, I forgot about the girl who threw up on the couch. She’s still there and she’s still throwing up. Guess she didn’t make it to class. Should they like… alert someone?

Snooki: Let’s drink and watch the sunset!

I was like, what, how late did you guys sleep? BUT NO, she means sunrise. They are getting shitfaced at 8am. Go to bed, children. Oh. Oh nope. They’re going into the ocean. What better to do when you’re drunk besides drown and die?

Ronnie: I’m just going to cancel cable so Jen can’t see me confess my love to my ex-girlfriend who also hates me for cheating on her, and say I don’t love her, and say I wouldn’t be with her if I didn’t knock her up, or hookup with another girl solely because she was naked.

Cable is clearly the problem, you problem solver you.

Why does Jenni sound like an old lady smoker? Her entire aesthetic is very off. I can’t get used to it.

How, HOW are Snooks and Ron still standing? They look insane and they are now harassing children while so drunk and falling over. I really love Ron looking so miserable with his ridiculous party balloon hat. Now he’s looking pensively at the balloon hat. Can you just hear the producers? “Hey, look at the balloon hat like you’re contemplating your bleak future.” Just kidding, I’m sure they don’t say words with more than two syllables to Ron.

Jersey Shore: Family Vacation Episode 5

Sammi isn’t even here and somehow the entire season so far is still about Ronnie and Sam.

Weirdly enough, when Vin and Pauly talk about how bad Snooks and Ron smell when they roll in at noon, I actually already pictured how bad they smelled. They just look like they smell horrible. Let’s be real, Ronnie always kind of looks like that.

Ron: I’m calling Jen rn because I possibly disrespected her.


Okay, what happened to Ronnie calling Jen? Now he’s in the living room basically telling Yo Mama jokes to Mike. Guys, none of this is interesting, let’s get to the point.

This yacht is way too chic for Jersey guidos, like they’re supposed to be peeing on the floor of shitty clubs, not doing bougie shit. I don’t need to watch rich people being rich, I live in LA.

Deena: Vinny looks like a little petite girl.

HE FUCKING DOES, Deena! I forgot you were even here. Vin, I say this every time, but please start eating carbs again. You are sooo skinny and so tired looking. It’s like guido Edward Cullen.

Mike wants to propose to his gf because she’s stood by him through everything. He really should because I don’t know many girls who would let someone dump her to go on a TV show where he fucked a bunch of girls, become a drug addict, and then commit fraud, and maybe go to prison, and she still doesn’t think she can do better? Who did she turn down? The only woman sadder than this is Jen.

What I want to know is how did it take this long for the guys to realize that they are famous and are followed by paparazzi and fans and that people will be taking pictures? Obviously there are pictures of you groping Nipple Girl, Ron. Of course Jen is probably stalking the shit out of you. I’m actually a little proud that she’s ignoring his calls. She does have a little self-respect!

Ronnie: If it’s done, it sucks because we’ve put so much effort in. Like, I was putting in so much effort for her to not find out about my cheating. Or my love for Sam. It was just so much effort.
Mike: He shouldn’t have done the crime if he can’t do the time.

Mike: Oh fuck, I should not have said that.

Men taking responsibility for their FUCKING ACTIONS. It’s a thing, guys, look into it.

I love that Ronnie decided it’s probably over, so he might as well fuck someone tonight. Amazing. Amazing logic.

Sidenote, I do really enjoy calling Mike “The Incarceration” instead.

Oh fuck, The Incarceration’s gf Lauren is spilling the tea that there is an entire Instagram account dedicated to them at the clubs. There are videos of Ronnie grinding on Nipple Girl. Of course there are. People are so fucking savage, they are tagging Jen in the comments. I mean, she needs to know, you POS. These Instagrammers are doing the Lord’s work.

All of us rn:

Ronnie, you definitely earn your title as the President of the I Am Fucked Foundation. Quit doing stupid shit where you’ll obviously be caught. Here goes another week of Ronnie fucking something up. Let’s see what he fucks up next week.

Images: Giphy