Last night was an array of emotions for me. First, I was watching the intellectually stimulating Game of Thrones, then I was watching 5 leather beanpoles stroll the pier of the Jersey Shore again. Get you a girl who can do both.
We start out the show with lifelong train wreck, Mike “The Situation”, introducing us to the reunion special. The Situation needs to situate himself in the gym, for real.
He talks about how it’s been 5 years since Jersey Shore—the show about unemployable Italian people getting lost on a beach that’s a mile long—aka his peak.
He’s like “the last five years have not been cool, I’ve had to face the consequences of all my decisions and that’s just not what I signed up for.” Sounds like post-grad life.
He says he still lives the GTL life but his chubby cheeks say that he really lives the BLT life.
He introduces us to his girlfriend and they start making out at the barbershop.
The Barber as The Situation sucks face with his gf in the chair:
Mike has basically lost touch with all the cast because he took that pill addiction we all had in college way too far and ended up in rehab. Twice. The Situation says he’s nervous they won’t want to talk to him and his girlfriend reassures him that all his friends love him still, which is a really weird way of saying “they’re going to be making money from this, they wouldn’t miss it.”
He goes to pick up Snooki, a living legend. Snooks is like “I was a mess, but I’m so changed and mature now” as she downs Pinot Grigio while holding a baby at 11am.
Her husband must be really outdoorsy because Snooki’s lips are like small mountains. He’s gotta put on some hiking gear just to make out with her, damn.
Mike doesn’t even get out of the car to reunite with his old friend. He just honks the horn outside of her house like Karen, the lady who used to drive the carpool to soccer practice.
Within three seconds of getting in the car, Snooki forgets what day it is, doubles up on birth control pills and asks Mike how many women he’s fucked. I don’t call them “living legends” for nothing.
Snooki: Mike, are you going to jail ?
They go to get Pauly D, who is living his best life as a bottom-tier DJ at shitty nightclubs in Miami.
Pauly is apparently still into GTL too and could damn near audition for the part of Tracy Turnblad with the amount of hairspray he uses. No one light a match within 100 feet of this dude.
Pauly’s girlfriend is Aubrey O’Day from Famously Single/that band Diddy made one time and they talk about how she is super hot and dislikes how Pauly D probably cheats on her. The usual relationship woes.
They start talking about Ronnie and how he is a huge piece of shit now that the Kardashians made Malika dump him. Because the Kardashians have an iron grip on E! Network’s balls, Ronnie will not be attending this reunion. Sorry Ronnie, you can try Sears.
JWoww is next to be picked up by this shitty bus. She explains about how she is a “girl boss” running a blog and it’s like, hmmm take a number.
They are all in the car and I wonder how fucking badly it smells in there of spray tans, gaudy perfume and axe body spray.
They all are excited to go back to Seaside, but Mike lets them know that they were legitimately banned from the whole town. Seaside has taken a stronger stance against guidos then Trump did against Nazis. What a time to be alive.
They go to the one restaurant on the shore that will allow them back and Sammi Sweetheart meets up with them. She’s like “hopefully this is a great reunion and we all make out.” Yup, that’ll really be a productive way to catch up.
Sammi is a not a regular podcaster, she’s a cool podcaster who is totally not crazy and fucking obsessed with the new guy she’s dating.
They ask Sammi about Ronnie and she’s like “STAAAHPPP” and says she doesn’t wanna talk about him. Well, okay this was fun.
Discussions ensue about threesomes, foursomes, and gross things they did on the shore, and I consider calling my parents up and asking why they allowed me to watch this shit as a youth.
In the surprise twist no one saw coming, we find out that all of them have gotten botox and all the girls have gotten boob jobs. This is episode is actually going to be on Botched too, if you missed it.
SAMMI: I got a boob job
After ogling each other’s balloon sized tits and faces made of rubber, they start reminiscing on the time Mike knocked himself out on a concrete wall. He’s like “that was a dark time for me”. And he means that literally because he gave himself a fucking concussion from fighting a wall and had to sit in a dark room for a number of days.
The girls also reveal that MTV, the usually morally upstanding television network, used to make them watch old episodes and get riled up so they could fight each other. I see you, MTV.
They talk about Mike possibly going to jail and he’s really scared because he’ll only get the “G” and the “L”—where’s the T going to come from, dammit?
The group decides to be supportive of Mike’s sobriety and take a nice big shot in his honor. Nailed it.
They go walk around the shore, basking in their D-list glory, expertly avoiding any conversation about Vinny, Deena or Angelina. And then, they leave? The fuck kind of road trip is this? This is more of a field trip! And I’ve had way more dramatic field trips before. This is not what I signed up for when my daddy started paying for my cable.