Happy International Women’s Day, people!! What better way to celebrate empowering women than by watching a conventionally attractive man rail three of them in one weekend? That’s right: Fantasy Suites are here! If it feels weird to watch what is essentially a three-day orgy take place during the height of a pandemic—you’re not alone in those feelings! Never mind that Heather probably had to undergo more testing to drive that minivan within five feet of production than any of these people will have had before they swap bodily fluids for 72 hours straight. But you know, cheers to love and all of that.
Two weeks ago, Matt narrowed his group of women down to the final three: Michelle, Bri, and Rachael. But before we get to the sex, Matt tells us he can’t move forward in his Bachelor journey without first solving his daddy issues. Um, Matt, I’m glad you’re working on yourself and all of that, but don’t you think you should have worked on those intimacy issues before coming on a show that ends in a rapid-speed engagement? It took me and my therapist an entire year just to talk through the time the samples boy at Costco did not return my flirting, and you think one ambush is gonna cut it?
Okay, Matt is even gigantic compared to his own father. How is he so tall? He could fit his dad in the pocket of his jeggings!
MATT: You cheated on my mom and that has permanently altered the way I trust people and engage in romantic relationships.
This conversation feels very… not staged. I’m shocked. Matt is being open and vulnerable. At one point he cries in the interview room. This is the most emotion I’ve seen out of him all season, and I’m including the time he almost killed Bri with a dune buggy.
I’m not sure what Matt was hoping to get from this conversation, but their talk ends amicably. Matt’s dad says he’s going to try more. Matt says he’ll try more too—he’ll try more to muster up the energy to pretend to want to bang those three women who are in love with him. All is right in the world.
Michelle’s Fantasy Suite Date
Now that Matt got the Chuck E. Cheese thing out of his system, he’s ready to make sweet, sweet love to the longest-limbed human I’ve ever seen. You can tell Matt is really into Michelle because he came dressed to the date wearing jeans that are actually painted on him. Matthew! Save something for the bedroom, buddy!
For the day portion of the date, Matt takes Michelle to the Pennsylvania Dutch Spa. I think this is supposed to be relaxing and romantic, a way for Matt to literally butter Michelle up before she finds out in the fantasy suite that Matt’s open-eye kissing thing extends to other parts of the bedroom as well…
Okay, I’ve never watched a fantasy suite date before that made me this nervous for a girl’s pH levels. They’re pouring hot butter on each other, rubbing oatmeal into every crevice of their bodies, soaking in baths of what I assume is unpasteurized milk—this entire date is a cautionary tale my gyno told me to scare me about getting UTIs.
The more Matt and Michelle talk, the more I feel like they are pretty perfect for each other, which I’m sure means Matt will run as fast and as far away from her as possible. Michelle talks about how her parents taught her to model healthy, loving relationships. Matt says he didn’t have that growing up, but Michelle still thinks he’s her person anyway. I really want these two to work out. I mean, with wingspans like that, if they ever procreate their children could reform Mt. Olympus! Think of the possibilities!
More evidence that Matt is super into Michelle: He shows up to dinner showing zero skin from the chin down. Seriously, where does this man shop? How does one amass a wardrobe that consists of turtlenecks and skinny jeans and almost nothing else? ABC, I need answers!
MICHELLE: I would truly love the opportunity to get to know you better.
Michelle accepts the overnight invitation, and BOY, to be a fly on the wall when she explains this to her fourth graders in a few weeks. I’m sure little Ethan will ask her the hard questions again, like if she came or if she just moaned a few times until he stopped jabbing the walls of her uterine lining and called it a day.
Okay, why does this morning after look so tame? They’re lounging on the bed and Michelle is wearing an entire outfit underneath that silk robe. The only signs of any intense ardor is a singular rumpled pillow on the ground. Like, did they lose sleep having hot sex or because Michelle taught him the song to remember all the U.S. Presidents? I honestly can’t tell.
Bri’s Fantasy Suite Date
Bri’s up next, and she’s about as confident about her place in Matt’s heart as I am that I can pull off mom jeans. She was his last pick at the last rose ceremony, and thinks that might be an indicator of where their relationship ranks compared to his with the other girls. I’m not going to say this is all in her head, because the “fantasy” date he has planned for her involves hiking boots and a tent from Costco’s summer sale. Like, she knows you already rubbed hundreds of dollars worth of raw milk all over Michelle’s supple body yesterday, and you think she’s not gonna judge that y’all’s first time involved thermal underwear and a rock wedged in her spine?
BRI: You know how to pitch a tent?
I have a feeling she is not talking about where they’re going to sleep tonight. No one could “pitch a tent” in pants that tight.
Oh okay, phew. Bri is allowed out of Matt’s Blair Witch Project and taken on some semblance of a real date. For the evening portion he takes her to an actual dinner at a place with an actual roof over their heads. A far cry from the boiled water and power bar situation Bri was probably envisioning hours earlier.
Wow, Bri looks absolutely stunning this evening. I wish I could wear a dress like that and not have to be encased in head-to-toe Spanx or undergo some sort of structural engineering with Kim K’s body tape.
Matt and Bri bond over their absentee fathers, and he is really using this same story to get into all of their pants. Like, no script change or anything from when he gave this speech to Michelle. Bold. I guess this is the least his dad could do for him. He didn’t need quality time, he just needed this story to recycle in case he ever felt like getting laid.
Okay, Bri understands what to pack for a night alone with your man. The cameras cut to their morning after and she’s draped in lace and silk. She’s cooking breakfast with pants that have slits up to her vagine. She’s pulling out alllll the stops. I just really wish I could see this for her. I think Matt is attracted to her and understands her, but they’re almost too similar or something. I don’t think he wants to end up with someone who has a similar family situation. But perhaps I’m reading too much into these strangers’ lives.
Rachael’s Fantasy Suite Date
Rachael is last this week, which I’m convinced was a strategic move on production’s part so the viewers back home could watch her slowly come apart at the seams over the last 90 minutes of this episode. I will say, her crying and pouting routine is really showing her age. What? You’re telling me you’ve never slept with a guy who’s actively sleeping with other people while he’s emotionally invested in you? What are you, 12? Grow up.
Rachael asks Matt how he’s been, and boy, is that a loaded question. Matt can tell that Rachael is being weird and he has questions. Well, get in line, buddy, because so do I. First up: what’s going on with the cut-out of that crop top? Why the belly button? Is it a Gen Z thing? Is the U-shape important? ABC, I need answers!
Okay, Rachael is being reallll pouty on this date. She freaks out halfway through their ceramics activity and pulls Matt aside to talk privately. Nothing is more of a mood killer than insecurity, let me tell you.
RACHAEL: This week is the lowest I’ve ever felt.
MATT: Well if it makes you feel any better, Bri had to pitch my tent for me!
Matt, she doesn’t want to hear about your handjobs! Keep that stuff to yourself.
I just don’t understand why Rachael is so freaked out. She just graduated college, like, yesterday. Surely casual sex is a culture she can understand!
By the evening portion of the date, Rachael has completely forgotten about the fact that Matt has swapped more bodily fluids in the past 72 hours than a Walgreens COVID test kiosk. Rachael shows up to the dinner in a hot little red number that has Matt actually licking his lips at the sight of her. Vomit.
I think he knows she’s really hot and really into him and it’s giving him the craziest boner. Also, watching him be so into Rachael, who (all controversies aside) is clearly the youngest and most immature out of the ladies he has left, is making me think less of him. If this is the kind of girl he wants to pursue, then he’s not ready for marriage. YOU’RE A SHAM.
The Rose Ceremony
We don’t even get a morning after from Matt and Rachael’s date, and that’s how you know the sex was good. They couldn’t even tame it down for the cameras. I’m imagining Rachael staggering out of that suite, her neck raw from Matt’s turtleneck chafing. It’s best that footage remains in the vault, I think.
Instead, we jump straight into the rose ceremony. All of the ladies are decked out in black, which I can only assume is because they are mourning the loss of their dignity. Carry on, gals.
HOLY SH*T. Bri is going home? But she’s wearing a high-neck dress! She’s speaking his love language!! This is possibly the worst rose ceremony to be sent home at. Now all of America knows who gives the worst blowjobs. Plus, she left her high-powered job for this. My heart is truly breaking for her.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you next week for the epic finale to a season that definitely wasn’t already spoiled for us five weeks ago. Until then!
Images: @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); @ABC (2); Giphy (1)
My my my, Bachelor Nation is crumbling right before our eyes, no? Between Rachael Kirkconnell’s racism scandal, Chris Harrison’s racism scandal, Taylor Nolan’s racism scandal, and Rachel Lindsay being bullied off Instagram because psychos are blaming her for other people’s racism scandals, I just can’t keep track anymore. Thankfully, I’m not here to talk about that today. I’m here to tackle what really matters: sex. Because tonight is fantasy suites, aka the episode where the microphone operators have to creep outside a bedroom until they hear a woman half-heartedly fake an orgasm. Make it quick for their sake, ladies!
Wait, what is that you tell me? They’ve switched up the order and tonight is The Women Tell All? I should have known that your regularly scheduled recapper Ryanne would only give up this week for one reason. Thanks pal! I’ll kill you later! Looks like I will be writing about 30 (almost) adult women screaming at each other about nothing for two hours. Shall we walk the plank together?
We jump right in, and the show makes a point of letting us know that this episode was pre-recorded before Chris’s disastrous interview with Rachel Lindsay. We get it, producers! Aside from the fact that you hired Chris, never once did a deep dive on any contestants’ social media before casting them, and barely included people of color until 2017, this is totally not your fault!!
Right off the bat, I feel like the women are sitting way too close to each other. It’s almost like ABC wants to wipe out this entire group of tattletales and bullies with a deadly virus. Hey, I hated this season too but you don’t have to kill them! Though I guess that might make ratings go up…
Chris starts out by reminding the women that he blindsided them with new arrivals weeks after the season had already begun: “One of the interesting things that happened this season: five new people arrived.” I love how he’s acting like these women just wandered out of the forest in tacky ball gowns, walked up to the Nemacolin, and knocked on the door because they just HAD to meet a man who’s addicted to turtlenecks and embarrassing TikTok dances.
Ryan tells Chris that she was offended when she arrived because she was called a hoe. Victoria was, of course, offended that Ryan was offended.
VICTORIA: “People made fun of my bra straps and I just laughed it off”
View this post on Instagram
So this whole interaction was to get us to look at your bra, wasn’t it? I’ll admit I fell for it. And I don’t hate it.
Katie vs. The Girls
As it turns out, people hate a rat more than they hate a bully. Duh. Snitches get stitches. Ever heard of Fredo Corleone? Some of you didn’t grow up in an Italian-American family in New Jersey, and it shows. Pretty much all the women blamed Katie for creating the toxic situation in the house, because it got worse once she told Matt.
MARI: Katie started the fire
If you know, you know.
They also came at her for being the hardest on Sarah, and only saying that everyone should be nice to Sarah after finding out about her dad. Katie says to them, “It’s called learning, it’s called growing.” Wow, she’s already honed that standard Bachelor Nation non-apology. I dare them to find any old damning tweets of yours, girl! Did you go to any distasteful events recently? No worries! You know what you’ll say!
This is not the way I was expecting this to go. The internet loves Katie! But, the internet is not 25 women that Katie called a bully, circling her and baring their brand-new veneers at her menacingly. The better to eat you with, my dear!
Don’t worry Katie, the internet still loves you!
View this post on Instagram
Brittany In The Hot Seat
Chris Harrison calls up Brittany to the hot seat. He reminds us that she was called a “high-end escort”. TBH I think it’s nice of everyone to add high-end in there. Look, rumors aren’t cool, but at least Anna made her sound fancy in the process of being terrible. Brittany talks about her trauma from the rumor and Chris nods along solemnly as if he didn’t throw a suggestive wink every time he previewed the “most salacious accusation we’ve ever heard on this show.”
Anna apologizes, but does still claim she had heard that Brittany was entertaining men for money. This is a classic Real Housewives move, and I’m low-key impressed. Like, “I’m sorry I said your husband was cheating, but it’s not my fault that I heard your husband is cheating.” Anna also continues to claim that she got so many messages about Brittany because “Chicago’s a small town.” Anna! Chicago has nearly three million people in it! Just because you and your best friend once spotted someone you’re pretty sure was Michelle Obama getting out of a limo at The Bean does not make it a small town! And I can tell you it wasn’t her!
Even with all those caveats, Brittany accepts Anna’s apology. You’re a better woman than me, Brittany. Apologies are nice and all, but if I were her I’d make Anna pay to scrub those damaging Google results. Just an idea for you, Brit!
We are 35 minutes into this episode and they are already airing unseen footage. This does not bode well for the content of the rest of the episode. It seems that all the group dates that went straight to cocktail hour on the show were actually Fear Factor-esque. Touching bugs, stuffing their faces with food, wandering around the great outdoors—idk what the editors were doing this season, but I promise those episodes were not so jam-packed that we couldn’t have kept 30 seconds of Kit getting lost in the wilderness.
kit lost in the woods #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/JHDJmBY8Np
— saint sagittarius (@HoleScandal) March 2, 2021
I swear the theme of all these dates was, “watch these girls vomit and then feel them up!!” Like, I get that you have limited options this year, but I feel like attempting to cause grievous bodily harm to the women every episode wasn’t totally necessary.
Katie In The Hot Seat
Chris brings up Katie and legit says “YOU SHOWED UP WITH A MAGIC WAND.” That is a vibrator, sir. And I would really not like to find out that the reason he called it a “magic wand” is because that’s the name of the brand-new line of vibrators he’s created to go along with his romance novels. God, I beg of you, please spare us.
We, of course, get a 10-minute clip of Katie’s story with Matt, and as they pan back to her she’s crying. Do we think it’s because she’s sad about Matt or because she’s sad she wore that parka on national TV? You’re trying to get someone to want to bang you Katie, you’re not going out to walk your dog at 6am when no one can see you.
Katie wonders, “is there anyone out there for me?” I’m sure we’ll see that pasted all over her Bachelorette ads soon. At least it’s better than “Let’s do the damn thing!”
Abigail In The Hot Seat
The second this sweet creature sits down in the hot seat I’m reminded how Matt did her dirty.
CHRIS: What happened? You guys were so into each other, had so much chemistry, and then he dumped you. Why couldn’t he love you?
Chris says that Abigail being on the show has had a massive impact on the deaf community. Oh good! Another community he can offend in an interview! You know behind the scenes the producers are just wetting themselves saying “our ratings with the deaf community have skyrocketed! Which underrepresented group can we target next!” Actually though, Abigail is an angel, and this broken franchise doesn’t deserve her.
Pieper In The Hot Seat
Okay, is everyone going to get a one-on-one sit down with Chris tonight? Will our misery never end? They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point. Maybe next we can get the masseuse who worked on Tyler’s back up there. Or the skydiver responsible for Rachael’s head contusion. Or Katie’s vibrator! Just dress it up in an LBD from Revolve and prop it up on the couch. It will fit right in and I’m sure the conversation will be very stimulating.
There’s really no point to this interview. Every single person that comes up to the hot seat is forced to rewatch their “love story”, and then Chris says “tell daddy how much it hurts,” and then he dismisses them because daddy doesn’t actually care. It. Is. Boring.
Serena P In The Hot Seat
The word “hot seat” is already giving me PTSD. If this recap ends abruptly, please look for me shaking in a corner somewhere on the west coast of Florida.
Chris is disappointed in Serena. He thought she was the one.
ME, SNORTING INTO MY WINE: Didn’t he see that awkward sex yoga date?
And now Serena is crying. Come on Serena!! You don’t have to do what the other girls did! We know you didn’t like him! Put that Visine back in your sleeve.
Chris tells Serena he thinks she might regret her decision and that she might still love him.
Wow. I’m starting to think Chris really never could read a room and it took Rachel Lindsay to point it all out to us.
Matt In The Hot Seat
Matt finally shows up to his party, and it is a disappointment to say the least. WHAT IS ON HIS FACE?
View this post on Instagram
Chris and the women say they like it and sweetie, they are lying to you. That thing is like making out with a shag rug.
Victoria immediately turns on the waterworks and tells Matt she was offended by the fact he told her she needed to “self-reflect” when she left. Who’s sensitive now, Queen V? Matt tells her, “when people ask me about you I only have good things to say.” I guess laughing when his friends mock her body is technically a loophole to that statement. But with all the apologizing going on tonight, he couldn’t muster one up? I guess he was a wimp this whole season, why stop now?
I really don’t understand the purpose of the women airing their grievances. Who cares? It’s over, and it was fake. If Chris asked me if I had any last words for Matt I’d shout “wear less turtlenecks!” And then GTFO.
Can we get real for a sec? Does anyone seriously think we need these tell all episodes anymore? They reveal nothing new—contestants have already explained their terrible actions to the point of exhaustion on social media, and half the people there barely even appeared on the season. They should be more like Bravo reunions or not exist at all. Let’s accuse each other of f*cking a married ex-MLB player! Who has a drug problem?! Make it exciting! These moments may be messy, but at least they are real(ish). I feel like The Women Tell All was basically everyone reading a press release their publicist wrote for them. In the words of anyone who’s ever had a job, this could have been an email.
Chris ends the episode by saying, “trust me, you have no idea what’s coming.” No, Chris of February 4th, 2021, YOU have no idea what’s coming. And we’re out!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); bachelorettewindmill, tvgoldtweets, victorialarson_/Instagram; holescandal/Twitter
Hometowns are hereeeeee, and boy, has it been a journey. Is it just me, or has watching Matt whittle down his group of ladies to the final four felt a little like surviving a middle school locker room during the height of puberty? Michelle and those arms definitely look like the type who could give me a wedgie, and Rachael has a face that says “I would start a rumor about you using super jumbo tampons.” But, you know, I’m sure Matt’s wife is in there somewhere!
As I’ve mentioned, this week is Hometowns, where we’ll get to meet the families of Matt’s final four women: Michelle, Rachael, Bri, and Serena P. The theme of this year’s Hometowns is “you can never go home again,” mostly because it would take too many COVID rapid tests, and production already wasted their emergency stash on Heather. Shame. If you’ll recall, last season’s quarantine hometowns were… something. For those of you who missed it, just imagine the production value of a high school’s performance of Mamma Mia! but, like, without the pride of a bunch of art geeks hoping to use the set design on their college applications and more just Chris Harrison’s least favorite ABC intern cobbling something together with rubber cement and a sharpie. So, this week should be fun!
We’re first whisked off to Michelle’s hometown of “Minnesota.” Minnesota is in air quotes here because I’m assuming we will see nothing of the actual state during this date. If anything, I imagine ABC will project a Pinterest mood board of “cold stuff” on a green screen and hope we just get it.
Okay, this is kind of cute. Michelle introduces Matt to her alter ego: “Miss Young.” Miss Young is her teacher personality whose kink is apparently having her third graders grill Matt about how many kids he wants and if he uses his hands enough during foreplay. Seriously, these questions are so invasive! Especially Ethan’s. That kid has no chill.
Also, be real, Michelle. Did you make attendance mandatory here? I can only assume permission slips must have signed for this as well? And can I just say, Matt’s pants are VERY tight. I almost need parental controls on my TV to endure seeing those thighs, I can’t imagine the effect of seeing those bad boys live and on Zoom.
My first impression of Michelle’s family is this: they’re HUGE. Are we sure she’s actually from Minnesota and not from whatever place birthed Hagrid? They’re SO tall, it’s insane. My second impression of the family is that they need to be protected from the franchise at all costs. They are too precious for this Earth. Her dad has a voice that could soothe my anxious dog during a thunderstorm, and her mom is wearing head-to-toe Costco in the most endearing of ways. They both seem deeply concerned that their daughter would accept a marriage proposal from a man in a tweed bomber. They’re not wrong.
The date culminates in the most wholesome display of family dynamics I’ve seen on my screen since Boy Meets World went off the air: a family game of basketball. Excuse me, but what?? Like, I did not know that a Bachelor date would be my inspo for setting my dating standards in 2021. Brb, just going to update my Ship profile to say “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my entire family and play a low-stakes game of pickup basketball.”
MICHELLE: I told Matt I loved him and he gave me a positive smile in return.
ME BOOKING THE NEXT FLIGHT TO PA:
A positive smile? That’s it?! He just had a hot, confident woman with legs the length of my entire body tell him she loves him even with his turtleneck fetish, and the most feeling he can muster up is a lukewarm smile? Are you kidding me with this, Matthew? Are you into any of the women? Because right now I really couldn’t say! Do you even want a wife? Or just a roommate whose pants you can borrow? Someone make it make sense.
The racist is up next! Oops sorry, I meant Rachael is up next. She wants to show Matt what life in Georgia is like, and it all just hits a little differently now that we know her TimeHop is full of “Old South” throwbacks.
RACHAEL: *blindfolds Matt* I can’t wait to show you Georgia! Do you trust me?
ALSO RACHAEL: We’re here!!
Oh, no it’s cool, guys, she’s just going to shove him out of a plane! Luckily for her, Matt considers near death experiences to be foreplay, so he’s really into it.
Holy sh*t. Rachael lands like a cracked egg on the pavement. Okay, why was that landing so bad? What kind of janky skydiving place did she book for this? Also, I love that they make her finish out this date even with whiplash. Matt’s like, trying to make out with her while she’s still peeling astroturf out of her hair extensions. She just face-planted, full speed from the sky, into the earth. At least wait for her concussion to subside.
We finally meet the family and they’re… ambivalent about Matt. Honestly, there’s not much more I can say about this date. Rachael seems really into him even with her parents voicing concerns. She even wanted Matt to ask her dad for his blessing to get married. You can tell when she asked Matt about it he was like “oh right, we’re supposed to get engaged at the end of all of this.” Yes, you are buddy! Better start acting like it.
I love that these are not Hometown dates as much as elaborate ways to maim Matt. Michelle was the nicest about it with that bike riding excursion, but Rachael was hoping he’d get the shoddy landing, and Bri is actively trying to crash him into a tree while they’re off-roading in that Jeep.
BRI: Do you remember that one time you almost killed me?
AHAHAHAHA. I love that Bri has been holding this huge grudge since week three. God, I hope she kills him.
Also, as hot as murder is ladies, where are the real hometown dates? If I don’t see at least one high school yearbook photo from the 2000s complete with crimped hair and Hollister tees, I swear to god I’m going to lose it.
Bri’s family consists of her mom, BFF (who’s also named Bri), and baby sister. Okay, wow her “baby sister” is a literal baby. I was expecting to meet some Gen Z-er in mom jeans ready to fire off some scathing critiques of Matt’s TikTok, not this squishy bundle of cute.
I cannot get over how gorgeous Bri’s mom is, and also how young she is. She could be a contestant! They could have gone on this show together and rivaled The Twins™ for most outrageous professional description.
Also, I don’t think Bri’s mom likes Matt very much. First off, Matt dodged almost all of her questions about how he sees the future with her daughter. Second of all, she keeps saying “we can mend your heart together” as if she’s already has pints of Ben & Jerry’s on deck in the hotel room should her daughter blink twice for help.
Bri thinks that the reason she hasn’t said she’s falling for Matt yet is because she has trouble being vulnerable, but I think it has more to do with the fact that she knows nothing about this guy other than the fact that he has a penchant for skinny jeans and turtlenecks. Even so, she blurts out an “I love you” before the end of the date. Matt takes this as an encouraging sign for their relationship, but pointedly ignores that fact that when she said the L word it was accompanied by the facial expression of swallowing glass. Yeah, I think these two will go far.
Last but not least, we have Serena’s hometown. Serena appears to be the only one who didn’t get the memo that “hometowns” is actually code for “create an elaborate death trap for Matt,” so she sends him to Canadian bootcamp instead. Also, I love that Serena’s hometown is just the entire country of Canada ,and that apparently the most defining moments of her childhood involve the Canadian national anthem and eating the most disgusting looking poutine I’ve ever seen in my life.
SERENA ON THIS DATE RN:
Okay, Matt’s pants are out of control. Those jeans are practically painted onto his body! I’m shielding my eyes watching this hockey game for fear a g-string might pop out of those jeans when he leans over to hit the puck.
Okay, Serena is soooo normal. She’s giving me huge Hannah B vibes, and by that I mean she’s relatable AF. Matt says as much when he meets her parents. He’s like “she was so normal” which sounds like an insult, but I get it. That said, I don’t think Serena is that into him. Her sister even says she doesn’t look “smitten” with him, and I would have to agree.
SERENA’S SISTER: Do you love him?
AHAHAHA. This sister is savage. I love it.
I do think Serena is talking herself into this relationship. I’m sure she’d be into dating Matt, but marriage? Eh, not so much. The end of the date is pretty bleak. She tells Matt she’s having doubts about their relationship and he reacts with all of the emotion of a toaster. I know I used to give Lauren B a lot of sh*t for maybe being an animatronic fembot crafted in the bowels of ABC studies for the sole purpose of being Arie’s dream girl, but now I’m starting to wonder if they manufactured Matt too. He’s just way too cool under pressure.
The Rose Ceremony
Before the rose ceremony begins, Matt tells Chris Harrison that he got a bad feeling from his hometown date with Serena. In what I’m sure is truly altruistic in motive and has nothing at all to do with manipulating a grown man into crying for ratings, Chris encourages Matt to talk to her right now. What’s the worst that could happen!
Matt’s like, “I need answers, she needs to talk to me” and BOY does he get them. Serena says Matt’s just not her person and essentially sends herself home before the rose ceremony. To her credit, she did find a very nice way to say “it’s not you, it’s me.”
SERENA: *dumps him*
I am dead that he just asked her to walk him out and then proceeded to have his own sad limo exit. Like, Matt there’s no need to have this tear-stained confessional. You’re already the bachelorette, buddy.
Matt is visibly shaken by his encounter with Serena. He hasn’t felt this betrayed since his trainer left him for a different CrossFit. Luckily, we have Chris Harrison here to offer warm words of encouragement in the form of fearmongering. He’s like, “and are you worried no one else likes you, because I would be.” You’re ruthless, Chris. This is not the time!
At the rose ceremony, Matt tells the ladies that although he’s given off tepid expressions of feeling at best and has promised nothing of an engagement at the end of this other than “we’ll just have to see where we’re at,” that they better step tf up and fulfill their contractual obligation to make him look good. Jumping ship so late in the game is a bad look for his brand. He tells them to think long and hard before accepting any of his roses and then immediately calls Michelle’s name before finishing his last sentence. The scared straight tactics work because all of the women accept his roses.
That’s it for this week, freaks! Start psyching yourselves up for next week’s “Women Tell All”, because Queen V and her under-eye bags are coming back, and I could not be more thrilled. Until then!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (3); Giphy (6)
Well, well, well what a week it has been for Bachelor Nation. It was already hard enough that we had to say goodbye to Dildo Girl, our favorite camp counselor and sex positive queen, BUT now we gotta deal with Chris Harrison and the rest of the Bachelor franchise acting like racist trash? I’m not going to rehash the entire problematic exchange (you can read all about it here), but I will say it’s almost like the franchise only chooses to support diversity when it’s convenient and/or popular for them to do so, and not because they genuinely have a desire to share Black and Brown stories. But I’m sure ABC and Chris Harrison are taking all of our feedback and are using this time as an opportunity to grow. And by “time” I mean the one to two episodes Chris Harrison will be sidelined from hosting to focus on “accountability.” To be fair, I’m pretty sure that’s how long cancel culture works for middle-aged white dudes in the country anyway.
Moving on to this week’s episode, and to drama that doesn’t make me want to set fire to everything on this earth: Heather is in the houseeeee! Last week, Heather Martin of Colton’s season (and Hannah Brown’s TikTok videos) decided she was so bored in quarantine that she would literally do anything for human interaction, including willingly walking into this hostage situation in progress. Of course, Matt is the hostage in this scenario. The women have completely descended into a mob rule/Lost Boys type situation here. I would not be surprised if that bloodcurdling scream Pieper let out after Heather interrupted her alone time with Matt was some sort of code for her people on the outside to call in a ransom on one of Matt’s
turtlenecks loved ones.
We definitely think the producers had to feed Matt Heather’s name, right? Heather says that Hannah shared with her some “stories about his heart” and it’s like, I don’t want to hear one more story about Matt praying before he eats a Costco free sample. Give me the dirt. Why don’t these people ever share stories about their friends having one too many at half-priced wine night and throwing up in their purse in the Uber ride home. Paint a realistic picture of their future partner, I beg of you!
I’m still just so shocked that Heather had the audacity to roll up here in her minivan halfway through the process. The logic is just not there. If Matt really wanted Hannah B to pick out a girl for him, he would not have gone on The Bachelor, he would have responded to the group chat.
View this post on Instagram
I love that Heather thinks there’s any chance in hell those girls are going to let her sit on that couch with them. Before she can even get out her name, the girls immediately start coming for her throat and it is BRUTAL. They’re freaking vultures. *turns the volume all the way tf up*
PIEPER: Sounds like you’re Bachelor hopping.
Okay, Pieper. Like you aren’t going to swap fluids in Mexico with half of Bachelor Nation once this is all over. Please. Also, PIEper is clearly taking out all her lifelong anger over having to spell her name like that into this 20-second interaction with Heather. That’s the only cause for this much hostility.
Matt also cannot believe that Heather had the audacity to roll up here in her minivan halfway through the process. He must have said the word “minivan” at least three times in the last 30 seconds. Yes, it was a real sacrifice, Matt. Her Instagram brand will definitely suffer.
Heather keeps saying how serious she is about this process, but Matt doesn’t seem to be buying it. I’m sorry, but did no one show him her quarantine footage? She Rapunzel-ed her hair out a window for him! She practiced making out on her hand for him! How is that not commitment?
Matt must sense that if he entertains this Heather thing for any longer, he might find that Pieper’s people have destroyed the necklines to all of his favorite turtlenecks. He’s got to put an end to this ASAP before anyone else gets hurt. He tells Heather goodbye and she seems way too upset about this. It’s okay, sweetie. I’m sure he’ll catch you on Raya in a few months when he’s single again!
Going into the rose ceremony, Matt makes a speech commending the ladies for how they handled Heather’s presence this evening. I’m sorry, but what exactly is there for him to commend? They made her cry! Middle school girls locker rooms are less toxic than what just took place on my screen.
Speaking of toxic, at the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Chelsea and Serena C.
Matt just lost about 10 pounds of negative energy now that Serena and her eyelash extensions are gone. I could not be more thrilled. Justice for Dildo Girl has been served!!
Serena’s One-On-One Date
Even though Abigail and Jessenia are the only girls who haven’t received a one-on-one with Matt, he invites Serena P on the first one-on-one date of the week. Yikes. He says that he chose Serena because it’s the perfect date for them as a couple. First of all, tantric yoga? Seriously? This might have been the perfect date for Dildo Girl, but not for the girl who just visibly cringed at the sight of you in cropped leggings. Second of all, who would ask for this?? Just because you say things like you believe in “chakras” doesn’t mean I’m buying that a girl doing splits on your face has anything to do with your emotional growth as a couple. I’m already wishing I could pour bleach on my eyeballs.
Ooof, Serena is not into this. She says this was way outside of her comfort zone. I love that this girl says she’s not into public affection but signed up for a show where the camera man is contractually obligated to zoom in on a man’s fingers inches from her labia. Matthew, HANDS!!
Matt is visibly upset that Serena isn’t enjoying his date, and I have a feeling Serena could be going home for this. All because she didn’t like having to avoid eye contact with his chubby for the last 90 minutes. Shame.
Well, it appears true love can conquer all, even a grown-ass man wearing Lululemon. The evening portion of the date goes way better for the two of them. Matt realizes that just because a woman doesn’t want to poorly reenact the kama sutra in front of God and Ashli the tantric yoga instructor, that doesn’t mean they aren’t compatible as a couple. Serena gets the date rose, securing the first spot in the hometowns lineup.
The Group Date
The group date this week is strange because there appears to be no actual activity tied to it. Instead we’re dropped straight into footage from the cocktail hour, making it less of an actual date and more of just Matt making out with girls in different corners of a hotel lobby. So, basically, what he was doing before he became the Bachelor. It’s sweet that he’s going back to his roots this week.
The most shocking revelations during the date come from Bri and Kit. Bri confesses that she had to quit her job in order to continue on Matt’s season. I may or may not have let out a strangled gasp at that proclamation. We aren’t told what exactly her job entails, but the internet is speculating that it’s a big f*cking deal. I can’t believe she resigned from her job during a global pandemic, when unemployment is at a historic high, for a man wearing a turtleneck and a ladies leather jacket. Bri, honey, whyyyyyyyyyy?
Kit is also full of confessions this week. She lays down some ground rules for Matt and one of those is that if he wants to get engaged then she needs to… finish school?? Okay, she is too young for this show. She just said that having kids by 25 is a long-term investment for her!! Those are words that came out of her mouth!! MY GOD, the Disney Channel has older talent on their roster! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
View this post on Instagram
Kit ends up self-eliminating after the group date. She says it’s because she still has doubts about their relationship, but I have a feeling her famous mother would disinherit her if she allowed an ABC production crew into their home. Not for COVID safety purposes, but just like, primetime television? In this house? Ew.
Next up on the chopping block: Abigail. If I’m being honest, Abigail has been struggling for weeks now. She hasn’t had very much alone time with Matt and even admits that they’ve only ever had “a few good conversations.” Yikes. That’s practically Bachelor code for “friend-zoned.”
She asks Matt straight up how he’s feeling about her and he all but jumps at the excuse to send her home. Trash. TRASHHHHH.
ABIGAIL: I’m the kind of girl who makes men realize they want someone else.
ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS, MATTHEW? I WOULD GO TO WAR FOR THIS GIRL. Abigail is truly too pure for this Earth and she’s got me in my feels with this exit interview. He keeps sidelining these down-to-earth, authentic women, in favor of girls whose resumes include things like “has swipe up capabilities on IG” and it’s making me sick. That said, Abigail, I know this hurts, but you just dodged a bullet, girlfriend. His jacket literally squeaked when he hugged you goodbye.
Rachael ends up getting the group date rose, but the real winner is the camera work being done here. The losers look completely crestfallen, like the producers just asked them to choose between deleting their Instagram accounts and staying on the show for one more week. They keep panning between the losers, sitting dejectedly on the sofas, and Rachael and Matt trying to swallow each other’s faces in the next room. It’s just so…
Jessenia’s One-On-One Date
It’s crazy that Jessenia is an actual contender for hometown dates because all I know about her is that MJ once gave her two for flinching. Like, I just learned the proper spelling of her name this week. This is a problem.
Okay, I would hate dating Matt. He says “I’m an adrenaline junkie” with far too much chaotic energy for my liking. I’m not even on this date and I’m already about to update my life insurance policy just in case. Jessenia, on the other hand, is thrilled. She’s like, “this is what life with Matt could be like!!” Yeah, a series of near-death experiences and premature aging.
Also, does this feel like the kind of date they should be on right before hometowns? How does watching a girl wreck the sh*t out of a fancy car tell you anything about if you’re ready to meet her family? It just feels super shallow and superficial to be having before such an important week. Case in point: Jessenia starts talking about her family, and you can tell Matt is super uncomfortable. He’d like to go back to the part where he had her spread over the front of that car.
God, he loves to dangle those roses in front of their faces right before actively not giving them out. It’s sick. He’s like, all but caressing Jessenia’s face with it and then he’s like PSYCH!! YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!! Look, I’m not saying these are indicators for sociopathic behaviors but I’m not not saying that either…
Honestly, we should have known he was going to send Jessenia home when he showed up to dinner wearing a sweatshirt and not a turtleneck. Really, he couldn’t have been more obvious.
The Rose Ceremony
Going into the rose ceremony, there are only three girls up on the chopping block: Michelle, Bri, and Pieper. Personally, I would love to meet the woman who thought it would be cool to mutilate the spelling of “Piper” for an entire person’s lifetime, and so, would selfishly would like Matt to choose her if only for my own entertainment. It’s really what he’s here for anyway.
I guess I’m not meant to have nice things because Pieper is going home, making our final four: Michelle, Bri, Serena, and Rachael. Okay, I LOVE that Pieper says nothing to Matt on her way out, just barrels right into that limo. He’s lucky this girl doesn’t have access to his home address because I have a feeling he would come home to find his belongings ablaze if she did.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! Hometowns are next week, and I can’t wait to see what the ABC interns are able to craft up as a representation of a hometown since traveling is still out. Here’s hoping we get more “New York-style pizza” from the Sbarro’s down the street and another papier-mâché carnival cobbled together with rubber cement and the crayons they found at the hotel’s lost and found. Until then!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @bachelornationspoilers /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)
Can you believe that just a week ago I was over here thinking that this season of The Bachelor’s biggest racism problem was a few fragile white girls bullying the other contestants? I mean wow, things sure did escalate quickly, because now we have a frontrunner with a social media rap sheet of behavior that ranges from “should have known better” to “overtly racist”. And if that wasn’t enough, we also have a host (Chris Harrison) who went on television to defend her, in response to which there is now a change.org petition with over 10,000 signatures calling for him to be fired. Harrison has since apologized, but there is a lot to unpack here, so for those of you that don’t follow Bachelor Franchise controversy like it’s a toxic ex that you still have feelings for, let me break it down for you.
Rachael Kirkconnell’s Problematic Social Media History Emerges
Piecing together a Bachelor contestant’s personality, political beliefs, and any problematic skeletons based on their social media history is today’s version of the game Clue, and I’m ready to open the envelope on Rachael displaying a history of racism. TikToker feministmama has summarized all of the evidence that’s out there on the internet that ABC couldn’t seem to find (or just didn’t care to). I encourage you to watch the videos, but here’s the TL;DR version. Among other things, Rachael:
– Liked insensitive photos on social media (such as one with a Confederate flag displayed, and people wearing culturally insensitive costumes)
– Culturally appropriated indigenous culture at multiple costume parties
– Re-shared QAnon conspiracy theories, and most notably:
– Attended an “Old South” plantation-themed ball in 2018
Look, much to my parents’ disappointment, I am not a lawyer. But I think we can all agree that the evidence points to this being a very bad and pretty racist look. And these stories have been circulating for a few weeks now, so if any of it was false you’d think that Rachael would have said so by now. I know ABC has a lot of control over when contestants can speak publicly and what they can say, but if Rachael could confidently say “those pictures are Photoshopped,” then I think they would have let her.
What Does Matt James Think?
I’ve been watching Matt as the Bachelor for over six weeks now, and I still couldn’t tell you anything about him other than: he’s tall, he likes to work out, and he’s really into Jesus. So as a lead who hasn’t had much to say all season, it’s not surprising that he hasn’t had much to say about this. Especially since it seems pretty likely he chooses her and maybe they’re engaged?
In response to questions about the allegations against Rachael during an interview with Entertainment Tonight on February 2, he said, “Rumors are dark and nasty and can ruin people’s lives. So I would give people the benefit of the doubt, and hopefully she will have her time to speak on that.”
First of all, an actual photo of her at an Old South themed event is not a rumor, second of all, this statement has “vetted and approved by Bachelor production” written all over it, and third of all, this response has big “Garrett getting exposed for liking problematic memes” energy. Judging by this response alone, it seems like Rachael goes pretty far in the show, if she doesn’t end up winning.
And Now A Word From Chris Harrison
Unlike Matt, Chris Harrison (unfortunately) had a lot to say on the matter, sharing close to 15 minutes of his thoughts on Rachael, what he likes to call the “woke police” and for some reason, a bonus mention of racist games he played as a kid growing up in Texas (literally, why?), during an interview with Rachel Lindsay, the franchise’s first Black lead, on ExtraTV. Although he later apologized (more on this later), his words were pretty on-brand for Harrison and Bachelor production, and by “on-brand” I mean, he made excuses for racist behavior and instead put the blame on those calling for accountability aka the aforementioned “woke police’’.
During the chat, Chris Harrison basically claimed that back in 2018 (three years ago, for those of you counting) when Rachael attended the Old South ball, she couldn’t possibly have known that romanticizing slavery was bad, that she deserves “grace, understanding, and compassion”, and that we should give her time to reflect and wait patiently for when she is ready to speak. To me it felt like Harrison was defending Rachael like he has his own Antebellum plantation-themed wedding planned for the spring and he doesn’t want to get sh*t for it. And if you, like Chris and Matt, still want to give Rachael the benefit of the doubt, here are a few things that happened prior to Rachael attending that racist-ass ball in 2018:
– The Kappa Alpha national office (the fraternity that hosted the ball) had officially banned these events for being “culturally insensitive” in 2016
– Rachel Lindsay’s 2017 season of The Bachelorette aired, where a contestant’s racist tweets were kinda a big deal
– The BLM Movement was founded (2013) in response to the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s murderer and gained traction from countless other similar situations
Bachelor Nation (Sort Of) Entered The Chat
It looks like I am not alone in being infuriated by what comes out of Chris Harrison’s mouth when you let him say more than “ladies, this is the final rose tonight”. A petition calling for him to be fired has thousands of signatures. Bachelor alumni were also incensed, and took to social media to share their thoughts.
Former Bachelor contestant and outspoken critic of the franchise, Ashley Spivey, was vocal on her Instagram stories and shared a number of tweets criticizing the interview:
We can leave grace and space for learning while still demanding accountability. I feel like @chrisbharrison expresses more empathy for people who romanticize the confederacy than people who are harmed by white supremacy in this clip. So disappointing. https://t.co/Lw2BabkLpb
— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) February 10, 2021
Rachel Lindsay responded to the same thread with, “my days are numbered,” perhaps alluding to the fact that this may be the final straw in her relationship with the franchise (she hosts the Bachelor Happy Hour podcast with Becca Kufrin).
My days are numbered
— Rachel Lindsay (@TheRachLindsay) February 10, 2021
And Taylor Nolan, a contestant on Nick Vial’s season of The Bachelor and season four of Bachelor in Paradise, called Harrison out on Instagram:
View this post on Instagram
Since Chris Harrison’s interview, some others in the franchise have spoken out about the controversy, but thus far, we’re still waiting on any comment from Rachael or the franchise as a whole.
Followed By, An Apology From Chris Harrison
Approximately 24 hours and a million Twitter call-outs later, Chris issued an apology:
View this post on Instagram
Look, I’m glad he said something—I have to admit, I did not expect it. But is it just me, or did this apology somehow manage to sidestep any actual condemnation of racism? He ends his apology with a “promise to do better”, and I can’t wait to see what “better” means.
In the 24 hours since we first published this article, many more members of Bachelor Nation shared their concern and criticism of Chris Harrison’s words and support for Rachel Linsday, who has often been a lonely voice when it comes to holding the franchise to account. The women from the current season issued a joint statement:
View this post on Instagram
ABC finally let Rachael Kirkconnell finally said something, posting this apology on her social media accounts:
View this post on Instagram
As Rachael herself mentioned in her Instagram story, this apology is not for me or anyone who isn’t a person of color to accept.
This does feel like a pretty big moment for the franchise, one where a majority of its “nation” is taking a stand against racism and anyone making excuses for it. Here’s to hoping this is the moment production finally decides to make a change.
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; emmaladyrose, therachlindsay / Twitter; taymocha, chrisbharrison / Instagram
Well, well, well, what do you know? Another Monday come and gone where instead of doing the laundry that’s been piling up on my floor, threatening to swallow my dog whole, I’m instead chained to my TV, investing what’s left of my time, energy, and life force into a man whose entire personality is wrapped up in his ability to wear a turtleneck. This is truly my cross to bear.
The 2-On-1 & Rose Ceremony
Last week, we left things off with the introduction of a 2-on-1: MJ vs. Jessenia. As a reminder, MJ has not put on concealer even once during her entire stay in Pennsylvania, which tells us that she has absolutely nothing to lose going into this fight. Then there’s the fact that she’s, ya know, terrifying. Matt might not have a choice about who he’s going to eliminate. Once MJ gets through with her, I’m willing to bet the only things left of Jessenia will be hair extensions and body glitter.
Jessenia tells Matt that MJ is the last of Victoria’s gang of middle school bullies. She says that everything MJ does comes from “a place of malice,” to which Matt responds, “that’s a bummer.” A BUMMER?! A bummer is when you accidentally step in gum, not when you find out the girl you want to bang likes to spend her free time stealing people’s lunch money and giving swirlies.
View this post on Instagram
Honestly, things are not looking good for Jessenia. For one, who even is she? Has she been on this show for the last six weeks? I couldn’t say. Also, MJ defending her actions rn sounds a lot like me not apologizing for bad behavior after a blackout. “I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted and now I’m having my character attacked. Also, I left my card at Papaya Dog so I’m a little fragile, okay?!”
MJ: I had a weak bitch moment, but now I’m back.
Okay, I didn’t realize MJ was a goddamn poet. Brb just going to change my last will and testament to include the stipulation that this phrase must be written on my headstone. The voice of our generation, people. She should be a motivational speaker.
Jessenia’s like “you know what Meredith” and I’m f*cking dead. She brought out the first names!! She means business now. Next, the hoop earrings come out.
You can tell Matt just does not care about this feud. He created a safe space for the women last week! What more do we want from him?? Also, I imagine that when Chris handed him the date card for this, he was like, “a 2-on-1 with who and who??” I mean, he probably remembers MJ for her hair, but Jessenia he definitely only managed to recall because an intern held up a cue card with her name on it.
Oh WOW. Meredith goes home?? I’m shocked. There aren’t even any words exchanged between the two on her way out, just exaggerated eye-rolls during her last camera confessional in the limo. Makes you long for the days when 2-on-1’s ended with a girl being stranded on an island realizing she’s gonna have to Castaway her way home.
Back at the rose ceremony, Matt decides to forgo the rest of the cocktail hour entirely and head straight into eliminations. The girls hear this and act like Chris Harrison just told them that they’ll need to sacrifice grandma at the rose ceremony if they want to make it to next week. Girls! This is not that serious! God, I wish the things that were “emotionally draining” for me were cocktail parties. You know, instead of small things like my potential unemployment, a global pandemic, and dying alone.
Here’s the body count from tonight’s rose ceremony:
Lmao, I love that Ryan won’t leave. She’s still lined up with the other girls hoping Matt won’t notice if she blends into this crowd of tulle and hairspray. Nice try, girl! I will say it’s that kind of psycho energy that lives up to our namesake. Well done, Ry. Well done.
Thank You For Your Feedback
I can already tell that production is going to spend a stupid amount of time this week trying to stir up drama between Katie and Serena C. Why? I guess with Victoria gone and Matt proving that a spoon has more personality than him, they needed to do something for ratings. That said, coming after my girl like this certainly ain’t it.
Here’s how the drama started: At the rose ceremony, Serena was pissed that she didn’t get any alone time with Matt so she blamed it on… Katie? This culminated in a screaming match between the two the next day and Serena whispering “sex positivity” like someone who has only ever faked orgasms, including with herself. Honestly, I have nothing to say about this fight. Katie is perfect and at the end of the day she’ll be fine. Meanwhile, Serena is being held together by eyelash glue and not much else.
THE QUEEN HAS SPOKEN. GOODBYE.
Before I even dive into this date I would just like to have it on record that Pieper’s mother should be reimbursing me with hazard pay for having to type out “PIEper” so many times in this recap. That is not a correct spelling of a name, this is a form of wartime torture.
Matt picks PIEper up in the dead of night and, god, is that ANOTHER turtleneck?! What is he hiding under there? I feel like at the end of the season we’re going to learn Matt was the woman in that scary fable English teachers always made us read growing up. You know, the one who had to wear a choker necklace at all times or her head would roll off her neck? It’s the only reasonable explanation for all the turtlenecks!!
Matt walks PIEper through some sketchy woods and and it’s like, is murder the activity for today’s date? Are they going to compare serial killer documentary notes and see who knows more about disposing of a body? Because I could get behind that…
Matt pulls a lever from behind some shrubbery, and an entire carnival lights up. Okay, there’s no way that lever turned all of that on. I’ll suspend disbelief for a lot, BUT NOT THAT, ABC. Also, I hate carnivals on principle, so I’m already not loving this date. They’re like, nuzzling noses and all I can think about are the toothless sex predators who usually run those machines. Ah, the ambiance.
View this post on Instagram
This date is generically cute and so are Matt and PIEper as a couple. We learn that PIEper’s issue is that growing up her mother didn’t say “I love you” enough to her. So, she was given not enough positive affirmations, but far too many vowels for one name. The horror.
PIEper gets a rose and a personal country concert that literally no one asked for. I’m not sure who I feel more uncomfortable for rn: PIEper as Matt tries to get to third base with her in front of God and Temecula Road, or the band for actually having to come out of quarantine to sing to a crowd of two horned-up Instagram stars. It’s a hard no from me all around.
The Group Date
This week Matt really wants to focus on his connections with the women. So, naturally, his first thought was bowling. Okay, I really can’t get over how much better this resort is than La Quinta. Everything at La Quinta was like, “we could… have a pool party?” I mean, is this an activity more appropriate for nannying when the weather is sh*t then as a romantic outing with a harem of women? Absolutely. But at least it is an activity.
Of course this date is not just something the producers thought of to torture Kit’s delicate sensibilities (you know she asked production if she could get bowling shoes with the red bottoms). The women are also going to be pitted against each other for our entertainment in the hopes of winning some alone time with Matt.
CHELSEA: I expected there to be a twist but not the twist they use literally every week.
Yeah, girl. It’s wild how that shakes out.
View this post on Instagram
Despite Chelsea being very thrown off about the “twist” her pink team manages to win. Now that I’m seeing Chelsea and Michelle stand next to the other girls, I’m not surprised they landed the W. Michelle’s arms make Michael Phelps’ look stumpy. I mean seriously how tall are these girls? I feel like they could hold a magnifying glass over me and watch me sizzle on the sidewalk, they’re so tall.
Matt has not the heart to send the losers home without any alone time. Rachael’s in that group and he really wanted to suck face with her later. No, the blue team is allowed entry to the premises but their punishment is having to compete with Chelsea in her little lime number while trying to create sexual energy out of a bowling uniform. Good luck, ladies!
Nothing else of note happens on the group date. Serena P tells Matt she’s falling for him and Chelsea tells Matt she’s falling into a pit of anxiety. Romantic! Somehow Michelle comes away with the rose.
Our queen, Dildo Girl, gets the final one-on-one date of the week. Wow, what a fun sentence to write. Makes the massive loans for that college degree all worth it. Matt pregames his date by playing pool with Tyler C. He wants advice from someone who has done this before.
MATT: I’ve seen this process work for Tyler and I want it to work for me.
Um, how did this process “work” for Tyler exactly? He didn’t find love! He came in second! If by “work” you mean that he got to bang Gigi Hadid and club hop with Kylie and Stassie, then yeah, I guess you could say this process “worked” for him. Is that how you’re measuring success these days, Mattie?
Matt tells Tyler about Katie’s “cactus sized vibrator” and it’s like… that vibrator looked pretty normal sized to me? Please tell me you’re not one of those guys who gets weird when a girl brings a little extra help into the bedroom. How else do you expect her to cum? From, like, you and your sexual prowess? Lol. That’s cute, sweetie.
Also, hearing their tinkling little laughs is giving me PTSD from watching that video of the two of them cackling over comments body shaming Victoria. Watch what you say about my girl Katie, boys.
Ah, I see Tyler C is not only here for his “success story” but rather to serve as eye candy for the audience back home. ABC really understands their base, then. Matt invites Katie to help him torture his friend during his spa day, and I’m guessing this is the part where we’re all supposed to see that Matt has a personality?? Honestly, I’ve seen scarier pranks in a middle school girls locker room.
Watching Katie and Matt snicker over the masseuse calling Tyler “Kyler” is making me a little sad, because I just don’t see this for her. I’m getting a lot of buddy vibes here.
As we transition into the cocktail portion of the evening, I’m worried Katie doesn’t realize this is a one-on-one date. Why does she look like she’s going to a work dinner where she’ll have to fend off advances from the older partners? She’s wearing a puffer coat, for chrissakes! I’ve dressed sluttier to a 10am status meeting. Come on girl, show some cleavage at least!
Their dinner feels… bland. And I hate saying that because Katie is my QUEEN but I just don’t see it for them. Matt feels the same because he sends her home before they’ve even had a chance to “cheers” to love. I mean, he does pick up the rose first and dangle it in front of her face like an asshole, but eventually he gets to the part about sending her home. Katie, I’d like to thank you and your cactus-sized vibrator for your service this season. You will be missed.
The Return of Heather
Earlier this episode Heather Martin (little miss never been kissed from Colton’s season) rolled up HOT to the substitute Bachelor Mansion. And by “hot” I mean in a rented minivan that had major bible study carpool energy.
HEATHER: Hey Chris! Do you think you can tell these guys to let me in? It’s me! Heather!!
I love that Chris is like, “I’m not sure if you heard but we’re in quarantine over here and I saw you shot-gunning Lime-A-ritas with Hannah B at Venice Beach on IG last Saturday, so I can’t really let you in.” Way to hold your ground, Chris!
Heather tells Chris that even though she’s never met Matt James in person before, her bestie Hannah B says they’d be perfect for each other and so she just had to drive across the country in the middle of a global pandemic to see if Matt is better at closed-mouth kisses than Colton. Well, when you put it like that, Heather, that doesn’t sound deranged at all!
View this post on Instagram
Production puts Heather in quarantine and spends several moments throughout the episode “checking in” on her. Heather seems like the kind of girl who got one “you’re hilarious” comment on a TikTok, took that feedback, and f*cking ran with it. It’s the only explanation for the comedic atrocities happening on my screen rn. Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough, Heather?
Eventually, Heather is allowed out of her cage and arrives at the substitute Bachelor mansion in her minivan (seriously, this is giving me so much life!!), dressed like Bridal Barbie. My favorite part about her entrance is when she couldn’t figure out how to open the revolving door. She, like, paws at it for a second and then looks around for help before a cameraman finally takes pity on her and helpfully mouths “push.” I mean, if the other girls are feeling so threatened by her all they need to do is dangle a shiny object in front of her and back away slowly. That’ll keep her distracted for hours.
Matt is trying to play it like he’s never seen Heather before in his life, but he is being wayyyy to touchy-feely with his hands. Like, do strangers touch each other like that? The touching is very familiar.
While Matt deals with Heather, the rest of the ladies are busy filing their manicures into shivs in the lobby. They are pissed. Serena C’s eyelash extension is pulsing with fury, Serena P is butchering her adjectives. Things are about to get rage-ful, folks! See you next week!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (2); Giphy (3); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @reality_hoes_ /Instagram (1); @bachelor.tea /Instagram (1); ABC (2); @mattjames919 /Instagram (1)
We love to see two villains get sent home in one episode. We love to see Matt confronting their bullying head on, supporting the women who were targeted by Anna and Victoria’s fragile egos and harmful verbal attacks. And we absolutely love to see Katie—defender of what is right, champion of women’s orgasms, the people’s vote for Bachelorette—make it out of this week’s drama unscathed. But what we really deserve to see is some goddamn accountability. And not just from the Karens/villains/bullies (Victoria, Anna, and MJ), but from The Bachelor producers for encouraging this type of behavior. For creating a space that promotes bullying and women that weaponize their white fragility, for amplifying the incredibly annoying voices of the Victorias and Annas of the franchise while minimizing the voices and storylines of the contestants of color.
View this post on Instagram
If I’ve learned anything from my time as a reluctant-yet-dedicated member of Bachelor Nation, it’s that the producers have just as much, if not more, control over what happens on The Bachelor than the leads. Sure, the lead gets to choose his future ex-fiancée, but the producers are the ones moving the size zero, botoxed, Restylane-filled chess pieces around the mansion until our Bachelor is check-mated into a proposal (yes, I recently watched The Queen’s Gambit, why do you ask?). I get that the final rose is in Matt’s very large hands, but do we really believe that Matt voluntarily kept Victoria over *reviews full cast list* ANY of the 10+ women he sent home prior to this week’s episode of reckoning? No, no we do not.
…at least, not until the producers say so.
So it’s safe to assume that storylines, one-on-one date decisions, and the topic of today’s rant discussion (bullying) are at the very least producer-sanctioned, if not producer-encouraged. Victoria doesn’t get a rose without the producers telling Matt she has to stay. Anna doesn’t get approximately 500 featured ITM’s, and a baseless rumor about being an escort doesn’t get spread and televised, without editors choosing that footage to make the final cut. To all of you screaming, “Dani this is just how the show works, big drama brings a big audience”, I say: yes, I understand how ratings work, thank you. But just because I understand it doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. Just because this is how the show has worked for years, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to bring production into the 21st-post-Trump-pro-BLM century and hold them accountable for giving white women carte blanche to do and say as they please, rewarding them with more airtime as their words become more offensive.
We can’t give ABC credit for casting a Black lead and having a diverse cast if that diversity is only used as a tool to promote bullying (the targets of Victoria, Anna, and MJ’s antics were almost exclusively women of color). You don’t get credit for diversity if more airtime is given to Victoria and Anna’s whining than to the emotional conversations Matt has had with women like Chelsea and Michelle about conforming to white beauty standards and being a Black teacher in Minnesota after George Floyd’s murder. And we can’t let production off the hook now because Victoria and Anna are finally gone. In fact, even after Matt was given the okay to take out the trash, production simply handed Victoria’s burn book over to MJ for her to take over as head mean girl leading into next week’s episode. It’s rude of MJ to have such beautiful hair and such an ugly personality, and it’s even more rude (and manipulative) of production to pit her against Jessenia, yet another woman of color for a “let’s squeeze this in real quick” two-on-one date that literally nobody asked for. And don’t even get me started on the fact that the one-on-one dates of the week went to Kit, a quieter yet adamant supporter of the OG vs. new girls movement, and Rachael, who may or may not have been a racist bully in high school…
I know that drama and hot girls fighting makes for entertaining television (I watched this week’s episode with my younger brother and he simply could not get enough), and I know Matt is just kinda boring, so the producers have to look elsewhere for content. But I also know that they can and should do better than this, and I don’t think it’s out of line to expect ABC to make socially responsible television. Production and editors give plenty of screen time to the friendships between male contestants on The Bachelorette, why can’t we get the same support for female empowerment on The Bachelor? Magi got U.S. citizenship by winning the visa diversity lotto, why can’t we learn more about her than the fact that she’s not great at kayaking?
I’m sure there is plenty of non-toxic, non-bullying, non-racially insensitive content the producers and editors could use to tell an equally entertaining yet less divisive story, they’re just choosing not to. And production controls who comes back for Women Tell All, who gets invited to Bachelor in Paradise, who gets more screen time, a larger platform. They could decide that enough is enough and leave Victoria and Anna off their callback lists—but do any of us believe that they will? So how do we hold them accountable, how do we hold ABC to a higher standard? I just wrote 1,000 words about how frustrated I am with the show, but I know I will continue to watch. Maybe we aggressively tweet at Mike Fliess, maybe we boycott the Women Tell All if Victoria is there (I am very on board with this plan), or maybe we continue to have more thoughtful conversations about a show that has an undeniable impact on our culture. Whatever we do, I think it’s at the very least, time to stop saying “this is just how the show works”.
Images: Craig Sjodin/ABC; Giphy; bachelordata / INstagram
Gather ‘round, boys and girls, for a tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy asks girl if she… *checks notes* exchanges sex for money? And people say The Bachelor isn’t a source of good wholesome fun!
When last we left off, our favorite producer plant/mental health wellness queen, Vibrator Girl, had just let Matt in on a fun little house secret: if you put 20 women in a room together and give them nothing but time and low-calorie wine, they will find cruel and unique ways to ruin each other’s lives. Case in point: Anna. Though she spent the first three episodes of the season doing nothing but giving me nightmares with those veneers, last week she decided that the best way to get a man’s attention is to sacrifice the reputation of her competition over the burning flames of a sex-shaming rumor.
You’ll recall that she came up with this truly wild rumor that the new girl Brittany is one of Chicago’s most elite escorts. First off, Anna, sex work shouldn’t be something shameful, so even if this rumor were true, what’s your point? Secondly, I’m pretty sure the validity of this rumor can be traced back to a singular Instagram DM from a Russian bot pretending to be a 21-year-old fitness influencer named Carli. I’d like to see the receipts, Anna!
The Rose Ceremony
Which brings us back to the present. It’s a new week but hostility is still running high. Surprisingly, Victoria does not look completely horrible. Her hair is shiny, her makeup is flawless, and I can’t even see one bra strap. There’s nothing that gets you that good glow like sucking the will to live out of a twentysomething named Brittany, amiright V?
At the rose ceremony Matt gives a speech that addresses the “mob mentality” in the house. Sadly, he does not start off his speech with “hell no, I did not leave the South Side for this” and it is a missed opportunity. For shame!
Matt pulls Anna aside to get to the bottom of this rumor, and I truly can’t wait for her to explain herself. How do you spin “I’m trying to ruin a girl’s life but in, like, a fun way” to a man you’re also hoping to share a life with eventually?
ANNA: I’m very popular in Chicago. It’s why so many people were messaging me about this girl before coming on the show.
Hahahahaha. Okay, Anna, you gotta stop leading with the fact that you heard this information on Instagram. You’re not helping your case.
Matt finally learns the nature of the rumor (that Britt is a supposed escort) and I love how aghast he’s pretending to be. I’m not buying that you’ve never hired an escort before, Matt. I’m just not.
PRODUCERS: *describes the definition of an escort to Matt off camera*
MATT: That’s… illegal?
As Anna pleads her case to Matt, Victoria is in the process of throwing the remnants of Anna’s character completely under the bus. She’s like, “you know Anna was being super harmful with those comments about Brittany being an escort.” Yeah, and I’m sure your comments about Brittany being a “stupid hoe” were just all in good fun!
Matt lays down the hammer and sends Anna home almost immediately. Tbh I’ve never been more turned on in my life. Actions actually having consequences? Matt, you’re speaking my love language, sweetie.
This rose ceremony has to be the biggest mood killer for Matt. He’s just trying to get some wide-eyed kisses and these ladies are asking him to mediate the drama at their sisterhood retreat. The ladies are still not pleased with the “safe space” Matt tried to create by sending home Anna. He still needs to behead the actual snake: Victoria and her booby tape.
MATT: And when you said Ryan was hoe for being a professional dancer—
VICTORIA: That was taken completely out of context!
To be fair, I think she said Ryan was a “f*cking hoe”, so get your facts straight, Matt!
Okay, Victoria’s logic is painful to me. She’s got all of the deductive reasoning skills of a drunk girl trying to finagle another tequila shot out of the bartender despite the fact that her nipple is a little bit out and she can’t remember the word for “shot” and keeps calling it a “baby drinks.”
I love that throughout all of this Katie hasn’t owned up to sh*t. She’s standing there watching the mob of mean girls devour each other whole while remaining completely untouched and I LOVE IT. She started this entire thing, and not only has she been able to keep her name out their mouths, but she managed to get rid of all her competition in the process. Ladies, we are in the presence of a queen.
KATIE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY RN:
Ah, I see that Victoria is back to looking like sh*t. All is well in the world again. She shows up to the rose ceremony looking like a waterlogged mess, and I think she knows her time is almost up.
Here’s the rose ceremony body count:
- Miss Puerto Rico
- …QUEEN V?!?!
Not only is the wicked bitch of the west going home, but BOY does she go out with a bang. She tells Matt that she feels sorry for him, and I just audibly gasped so loud my dog startled awake. She’s like, “he didn’t even say anything, he just stared at me!” and it’s like, yeah girl, your entire bra was out. What else was he supposed to do!
View this post on Instagram
Wow wow wow. I can’t believe Queen V is finally gone. On her way out she boldly declares that she will “never date another Matt again” and I think I can safely speak for all Matts when I say they’re fine with that. Good luck though, Vicki!
Rachael’s One-On-One Date
The next day is like the calm after the storm. Some girls are finally feeling safe enough to stop sleeping with a makeshift shiv under their pillows. Others are just glad they made it out of the rose ceremony with their eyelash extensions still intact. Kit tells us that she’s hoping things will be “less dramatic” in the house. I really hope with Victoria gone, Kit can finally grow into the villain I always knew she could be. She just has the face of someone who tortured people at boarding school. Does she not?
Rachael gets the first one-on-one date of the week and Matt treats her to a shopping spree. Every season they do at least one Pretty Woman shopping date and it’s like, what does this date even prove about your partner? That she appreciates a nice romantic swipe of your black card? That he’s very into the color beige? That’s not even Matt’s real money!
I mean have you ever seen so much beige in your life!!
Side note: Did Matt only pack turtlenecks for this trip? Why is he always wearing these on dates? What is he hiding under that extra fabric? TELL ME!!!
I love how a mere 24 hours before, Matt was vowing to create safe spaces for the women and now he’s making Rachael walk into a room full of girls armed with nothing but her wits and 20 bags of designer clothes. He might as well have given her a paper cut and shoved her into a shark tank.
Rachael says something about falling for Matt and it’s like honey, baby, sweetie, no. You aren’t falling in love with him. That’s just the serotonin from the shopping trip talking! She gets the date rose and, I’m sure, a special place on MJ’s hit list.
The Group Date
The big group date this week takes place on a farm where the women are instructed to do various farm tasks by a man known only as “Ty.” Sketch. He’s either a very strangely branded farmer or a man whose kink involves watching hot millennials ruin their hair extensions with horse feces. It’s hard to tell.
Matt takes it upon himself to remind the ladies that he’s from Raleigh, NC and he’s just a country boy at heart. As a person who is also from North Carolina, I can tell you right now the closest Matt has ever come to a farm animal was the time he walked through the Dixie Classic Fair. You know how to longboard, bro, you’re no bumpkin!
Watching these women ruin their gel manicures as they shovel sh*t is truly putting years back on my life. Ladies, thank you for your service. I needed this.
JESSENIA: MJ is ~chickening~ out
Jessenia, sweetie, leave the jokes to the professionals.
Not much else happens on the group date. Apparently mud and manure are turn-ons for Matt, because he uses this date as an opportunity to reenact some farmer porno with any girl willing to ruin her hair extensions with a roll in the hay. For the most part, though, the date focuses on MJ’s reckoning. During the cocktail portion of the evening, Matt confronts her about being one of Victoria’s minions. He wants to know her specific role in mean girl mob. Like, did she take part in the verbal abuse or was it more of a slut sneeze situation?
Here’s the thing about MJ: I find her to be stunning, but her personality is surprisingly off-putting. She looks like she should be in a Free People ad, but then she opens her mouth and I have the immediate urge to hand over my keys and wallet so nobody gets hurt.
MJ: I heard one of you called me an antagonist?
Ok, she is TERRIFYING. I would not want to cross her in a dark alley. I feel like she must be hiding some booby traps in those ringlets of hers. Good luck dealing with that, ladies!
Kit’s One-On-One Date
Kit gets the second one-on-one date of the week and we learn that Kit is 21. I’ll let that sink in for a moment… twenty.one. That means (if my math after three glasses of red wine is correct) that she was born in the year 2000. 2000!! It should be illegal for her to be on this show. The reason she hasn’t found love yet is because her brain hasn’t even stopped developing! I’m pretty sure her Bumble settings caps a suitor’s age off at 23! This is absurd.
Also, I totally forgot that Kit is the daughter of Cynthia Rowley (a super famous designer). Yet another reason it should be a crime for her to be on this show. She doesn’t need ABC to find her a boyfriend. Eventually someone will come along who will love her for her money. She’s all set!
KIT: My life is red carpets and gold Bentleys but I just want to be a regular girl
ME, A REGULAR GIRL: I wish gold Bentleys were on my list of complaints instead of the broken-down Hondas I have to deal with.
So… let me get this straight. Kit’s sob story is that she has… white privilege? You guys, I cannot take Kit seriously. If Matt ends up with her, I’m rioting.
MJ vs. Jessenia
In a shocking twist, we end the week with the announcement of a two-on-one date: MJ vs. Jessenia. In one corner, we have MJ, who looks like she would write that you like anal on a bathroom stall. In the other corner, we have Jessenia, who I was not aware was a contestant until she started butchering jokes on my television screen just this evening. How did this blood feud begin? With vicious name calling (and by “vicious” I mean using terminology found in a powder puff football game). Look, I’m not a fan of MJ by any means, but this drama is sooooo petty. Who cares about this varsity/JV thing? Did it end with Olivia Benson needing to be called onto the scene? No? Then I don’t care about it.
Anyway, catch you betches next week for what I’m sure will be the thrilling conclusion to this feud nobody asked for.
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); ABC (1); @tvgoldtweets /Instagram (1); @bachelornation.scoop /Instagram (1)