In last night’s episode I made the final. I REPEAT, in last night’s episode, I MADE THE FINAL. Haters will say Cara carried me, and betches like me won’t care. WE MADE IT! There was a lot of missing information last night, and I’m here to answer all your questions. Well hopefully… I lost my laptop, drank four cups of coffee, and I’m currently writing this recap on my cell phone. This is how serious I am about the juice I’m about to share. When there’s a will, there’s a way.
We start off hot this episode, walking directly into a daily challenge. TJ tells us this season will have another Trivia, and being electrocuted will be the punishment of receiving an X, whether through your own wrong answer or the power one gets if they answer correctly. I’m ecstatic and I hope the viewers are too. Any challenge that keeps me grounded and removes physical endurance is right up my alley. I will get electrocuted all day every day over running a mile.
We start trivia off with a wrong answer by team #PaNatalie. When asked what a baker’s dozen was they answered “6.” As a bakery connoisseur myself, I was personally offended by the answer. I also believe all bakeries need to up their “baker’s dozen” with a surprise +2. Just saying. Everyone loves surprises.
Ashley and Hunter get the answer correct to “what female artist has sold the most records” with “Madonna” and I’m not surprised. I can see Hunter dancing around in his briefs to “Material Girl” easily, of course he’d know. I was surprised however, that Ashley and Hunter threw their X at me and Cara. Getting electrocuted hurts. Don’t let my smile fool you. It’s what I do when I’m nervous, I smile. Smiling out of turn actually got me kicked off of my soccer team once. True story. Can’t help it.
Cara and I have a decent run with our trivia questions thanks to my brain, which is lightyears above kindergarteners’. Almost nailed it, Ri. Almost. TJ throws out a few trick questions before stumping me and Cara with “what side of the road do Canadians drive on?” We were truly confident this was a trick question. It’s not like there weren’t a few before and after. Naturally, overthinking killed my brain cells and we inevitably end up losing as other teams send us through the electric curtains like it’s showtime. Joke’s on them, it’s always showtime for #caramarie.
Other quick things to note in trivia: Ashley is hilarious. Hate her or love her, she’s TV gold. She and Hunter are a disaster waiting to happen. Sidenote, she’s pretty smart too. Never underestimate Smash’s mind. Never.
Paulie has become my favorite character as a viewer. After myself, of course. I can’t even explain it, and perhaps I’m just reluctant to give him the full credit he deserves… but I’m rooting for him as a fan. As a challenger, ERRR… stay tuned for next week. LOL Joss and Sylvia win another daily, and #PaNatalie have identified themselves as a true floater.
We went out later that night against my will. I remember not feeling well and having a PA ask why. I don’t know, maybe because you electrocuted me today!!? Talk about one pissed off electrocuted woman. Poor girl… and then I wonder why I get the edit I do.
Anyway, this is where a plan was hatched between Sylvia, Ashley, and myself to get an elimination between Banony and Panatalie. We knew they were the teams to beat, so first let them beat each other. It was a shot in the dark, but it went down flawlessly, and production decided not to show it. Ahem.
Joss and Sylvia are safe. This means the remaining teams have three different options as to where to place their vote.
Considering our history, and the high stakes of the elimination, we devised a plan that would hopefully leave Panatalie and Banony with only 2 reasonable options instead of 3.
Taking note from Kam’s plan, Sylvia, Ashley, and I devised one ourselves to make everyone else think the LL’s were voting for me and Cara. This was done by both staging a loud argument back at the house, and convincing everyone else that they were going to band together against me and Cara, like they had done in the past with John. Convincing everyone included our own partners. I had a hearty laugh when they made it seem like TYB had any role in this. Typical.
The scene with Natalie, Cara, and me was all part of the plan. I needed to convince Natalie that the votes were going our way. That crying session was totally fake. Any person watching it should be able to tell. You know a real Marie cry when you see one. I promise. #dramatic We were never on Natalie’s radar, although they’d like to make you think so. Capitalizing on the fact that everyone truly believed we were going in, I told Johnny that our vote was going to Ashley and Hunter. Ashley, Sylvia, and I knew Joss and Sylvia would put their vote on Banony.
What this means for BaNony:
Vote Paulie/Natalie or Ashley/Hunter assuming with great knowledge they won’t vote us. If they vote PaNatalie and SLOSS put their vote there, PaNatalie goes in. If they vote Ashley/Hunter and so do Cara and I (as we said we would) Ashley and Hunter would go in and they made it known they’d choose us.
What this means for PaNatalie: know they will not vote us in. They have two options, Banony or Ashley and Hunter. They are convinced no votes are going to John and all are going to me. Nat has become very close to Hunter in this short time, and I’m aware. She won’t say his name and is considering the potential equalizer of going against a male/male team in an elimination. She made it clear she was playing an honest game… and I took advantage of that.
What this means for Cara and me:
- A) Vote Ashley Hunter, with the risk they get the most votes because “if you trust Johnny you’re stupid,” as you saw me say in the nomination room.
- B) Vote John knowing 2 votes were going their way from SLOSS. Stupid OR
- C) Vote PaNatalie. If we vote Ashley and Hunter and John puts his vote there, the votes could die, and Cara and I are at risk no matter what. Vote PaNatalie, and risk going in BUT with the comfort in thinking they’d say our name over John’s. Which is exactly why Cara and I voted for PaNatalie and apologized to them right after. “We are SO sorry.” 😉
We learned later PaNatalie did indeed vote for John and Sylvia and I did a happy dance in the kitchen. There’s a reason my face has such a smirk in elimination. There’s also a reason BaNony wasn’t voting for anyone. They knew what we did. They knew what I did.
Originally we showed up to elimination where broken contraption sent us back home after the teams ate a bunch of stuff due to fairness. In all fairness, it wasn’t fair… but had the Challenge gods gotten their way, Johnny and Tony were making it to the final… and most likely winning. Rivals 2 pt. 2? I think not!
The next night we returned, and a new battle was set up. This one on a much more level playing field. Props to both teams as I could not imagine enduring what both of them did. Natalie out-spites John, and PaNatalie are the greatest redemption story production could ask for.
We end the episode as the remaining teams meet TJ at the begging of the final. Here he lets us know the rules of the game and the potential f*ckery that could occur. Next week’s episode will be the most entertaining final in history.
Lastly, I feel compelled to share this information as I have a very strong feeling I will be made to look like a goon next week. Upon learning that I made the final, I was overwhelmed with excitement. Due to my excitement I had to tinkle and ventured off to the nearest port-a-potty in the pitch dark. After finishing my victory whiz, I walked out of the toilet and rolled my ankle in a dark hole. Know that going into next week this will not be shown.. and know that next week I will be cursing the grounds that I walk on.
Ps. If you think I’d let Paulie and Cara get away with their shenanigans and NOT say something, you’re dead wrong. Next week, join me, in the season finale, in which I own, and then burn to the ground.
Images: MTV; Giphy (3)
On last week’s episode, Team Banony was eliminated by Sylvia and Joss and ShaNelly was eliminated by, well, ShaNelly. After taking the lead on the Lavender Lady mission to get John out, it was a blessing to see them sent to Redemption. I swear you can’t write this sh*t.
For the first time this season, I’m excited to see ShaNelly walk into KamLeigh’s room after their purge loss. Nelson was probs crying the entire ride there, why else would he wear sunglasses inside? Kay is reluctant to give Nelly a hug because of the tea John spilled to her about his relationship with Natalie.
Let’s get real here for a sec, John’s information wasn’t completely off. Any decently smart viewer would suspect that after Natalie expressed how much she loves Nelson, sh*t would go down between them. Considering #PaNatalie spent the entire game in Redemption, I’m wondering when and where they became besties. Bottom line is, if Nelson was my BF (God strike me dead) and I saw him getting way too cozy with Natalie, he’d no longer be my boyfriend. And Natalie’s chin wouldn’t be the only f*cked up thing on her face. Just kidding. Sort of.
Next, John finds out about ShaNelly’s elimination. It’s like Christmas came early for him. Also, I’m not sure what it is about the guys wearing snowcaps in the house this season, but I’m not mad. Johnny is looking real good. Maybe it’s him, or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t sleep anymore. Either way, if this were a “who wore it best” contest, John’s got this in the bag and Nelson is still looking for his purse.
Then Shane claims his loss to Bananas was the worst loss in Challenge history. Alexa, play that episode from Vendettas where I got sent home stuck in a basket. Don’t steal my thunder, SHANE.
The male-male teams are all bumping chests and laughing about the fact that Shane and Nelson are in Redemption with them. Outside, we see Shane chain-smoking cigarettes. That’s when Johnny pops his head out from the upstairs window. I love this moment. Not only because it reminds me of a breakup I once had, but also because Shane shows he’s as pathetically petty as I am. This moment is wrapped up with a beautiful quote from Shane stating, “I’m like a weed, I thrive on things that kill normal people.” OKAY SAME.
After, Nelson and Kayleigh talk on the side of the house and decide to make up. Kayleigh says she’s fallen for him. I think I literally choked on my own laughter. Kayleigh “falls” even quicker than I do, which is actually quite impressive considering my fall time is unbeatable. I still can’t believe she’s romantically attracted to Nelson. To each their own, I guess.
Shane and Nelson continue to take the heat from a newly revived John, and I LOVE IT. Tony asks Nelson, “you know how good I am now? What have you done?” This is giving me hope for my own Challenge glow-up. If Tony can have a comeback, anyone can.
At the main house, Natalie reads the clue to everyone except for Cara and me because we were in interviews. Team LL and PaNatalie really want Nelson and Shane to come back. You can bet Cara and I will definitely not be jumping on that bandwagon. As friends, and for the sake of our position in this game, we really need KamLeigh and Banony to come back. Sidenote: Cara looks cute in pigtails.
Now it’s time to pull the double-cross. TJ has room for four riders today, that means everyone gets a chance. BTW, can we drop this weird horseman apocalypse lingo? Kyle’s great at pulling the double-cross, but he’s total sh*t at eliminations. Kyle cracks me up.
At Armageddon, TJ lets us know that REDEMPTION IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED! Tonight, everyone is playing and two teams are coming back. Kyle and Brad pull the first double-cross and decide to pick KamLeigh. Everyone wants to see ShaNelly versus Banony, so this was an obvious choice. I’m praying that Kam and Kayleigh can pull through and win. If they do, TWO male-male teams are going home. Production did not see this coming. Their chances at having new champions to add to their register is dwindling. I’m not mad.
First up is KamLeigh versus Kyle and Brad. This elimination is one that involves brainpower (the ability to solve simple grade-school math) and strength. The teams strategize who should be climbing versus who should be doing the math. Brad shares that he’s taught several math classes, but decides to be the climber anyway. Wait. What? LOL.
TJ blows the horn and we immediately see the difference in teams strategies. Kam decides to do her math on the ground, while Kyle and Brad use the board as draft paper. I see Banony helping with Kyle and Brad’s math equations and decide if he’s doing it, so am I. Difference is, I’m out here for KamLeigh. I post up on the men’s side and scream as loudly as possible to cause some distractions. I like to think I was a big part in KamLeigh’s win, but they’re just too good.
What you don’t see in these scenes is that the boys rung the bell numerous times even though their math was wrong. Every time they’d ring, Kayleigh was taken down from her climb. Because they did this so many f*cking times, Kayleigh kept having to climb and was exhausted. Totally unfair.
Finally, after lots of arguing, they let Kayleigh remain on the board while they checked Brad and Kyle’s math. And guess what? The girls took it home! Brad gives props to the ladies as he leaves the game. I’m low-key sort of sad. No more iconic lines from Brad the dad. We’ll miss you buddy.
Next up, the battle everyone has been waiting for, Banony versus ShaNelly. For their task, they must use a cylinder shaped object to try and push each other out of a ring. I’m excited. Tony alone would be able to push both Shane and Nelson out. Which proves my point: you can be as fit as you want but sometimes it just comes down to pure size… and that’s why I eat fries.
Banony wins and we’ve got the band back together. I’m skeptical of trusting PaNatalie but also fearful of seeing Tony and Bananas in the final. Things should get interesting. The closer we get to the end, the bigger the target on mine and Cara’s back grows.
We welcome our old friends into the house and get the news that a challenge will be taking place tomorrow. At this point in the game, we’ve all basically figured out the schedule: purges always follow eliminations. It’s no secret that this season has been completely unfair for the girl-girl teams, and having a purge is terrible news for us.
We get to the challenge and find out we’ll be pushing a massive rock. TJ gives us two options: either push through the ditch, which is more difficult but a closer distance, or around the ditch, which is easier but further.
The rocks are heavy AF but each was weighted equally to match the competitors’ size. Finally, something equal in this game. I’m really over them going back and forth on their decision to use equalizers. It totally screws your game up when you assume they’ll be given, like say if Cara and I went against Shane and Nelson in a physical fight. Oh, wait.
Sadly, Kam and Kayleigh lose and somehow Cara and I are able to overcome another purge. We might be second to last, but alive nonetheless. Yet again, they make it look like Cara was the only one pushing this boulder. Listen, Cara, I’m all about the girl power, but you do know I exist, right? Cool.
Having Kam and Kayleigh leave is sad. Not only because they’re my girls, but because they have put up one hell of a fight this season. These bad b*tches took their loss with grace. Kam says she’s out to win the next one, and I believe her. Here’s hoping my girl pulls through. DRINKS ON YOU!
Next week we’re down to five teams. There are no more lifesavers. If you lose, you go home. Here’s hoping I get the credit I deserve next week. If not, I’ll be sure to write about it here. HAPPY WEDNESDAY!
Images: MTV (5); Giphy (1)
The Trivia challenge last week left Natalie and Paulie in the power seat. Paulie says he wants to wreak havoc with their vote. I laughed just as hard as I did when I saw who he decided to move in with (Ashley and Sylvia) upon rejoining the game.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned about PaNatalie, it’s that they do not discriminate when it comes to alliances. You see, the beauty of coming in after a two-month vacay, is that no one hates you as much as they hate each other. While the audience and #Banony may have been duped into thinking #PaNatalie would be another number for our side, they were wrong… and I was aware.
With #PaNatalie in power, #Banony feels confident that the Lavender Young Bucks will come after me and Cara. Why in the world would you risk going against the “strongest” team in the house so close to a finale? The answer is Shane. Shane knows that if John is picked, John will take the easiest road possible. Obviously, he will, because he’s not dumb like Nelson. I also know that if ANYONE is picked, #CaraMarie lights up as an option for Armageddon. We’re going to be that easy road. With Paulie and Natalie keeping their votes close to their chest, and Banony doing the same, the only way we can pull this off is to work with the other side.
At this point in the game, I’m basically playing everyone. If I were to go against anyone directly, it would give them an excuse they need to pull us into elimination. Perhaps if we didn’t spend 40 minutes last week listening to #TYB chants, we could’ve squeezed in my not-so-sincere apology. But it doesn’t matter anyway. At the end of the day, friends or not, I knew they all wanted to take me to the final… and I was 100% okay with that. Cara agreed to let me take the lead. Our livelihood was in the hands of my former BFF’s, so when you can’t beat them… re-join them.
Back over in Redemption, Kayleigh, Kam, and Brad are speculating as to who will be joining them next. Kayleigh asks if the boys will relocate if Nelson and Shane were to walk in. We are reminded in this moment how much of a hardo these guys still have for #Shanelly. Kam tells us to bring the pity party somewhere else because she doesn’t care… and neither do we. The last time Kyle and Brad came face to face with their opposition (Paulie) they held hands skipping around Redemption and even saved them from going home in the Redemption elimination. Before we head back to the main house for a different kind of pity party, Brad the Dad reminds us of his finance background and Nelson’s poor credit score.
#BaNatalie lovey scene. Corny. Moving on.
At the bar, I decide it’s best to address the LL’s a bit differently than the last time. However, if things were to pop off again, you know for DAMN sure I am going to milk that head butt for all it’s worth. While ordering drinks I casually drop, “Acceptance feels happy.” This is my way of letting them know that I don’t plan to light the house on fire… again. Ashley assures me that they are voting for Bananas but I still feel her word is as fake as her weave.
At this point, we have nothing to do but “trust” them since we feel we’re going in regardless. Sylvia and Shane threaten me and I don’t care. Typically I’d pop off but at this point, I need to play nice. I didn’t want to help with their plan, but I wanted to make it seem like I did. Natalie is getting close to Hunter and Nelson so much so that Nelly calls her his girl who’s “a little dancer on the dance floor.” I don’t like Nelson if you haven’t gathered, but I do LOVE watching him on TV.
In nominations, I am in dire need of botox, makeup, lighting, AND WATER. I hide under my blanket as the scene drags on. I’m mortified. I went from 25 to 55 all in five minutes. Don’t judge—you’ve been there too, b*tches. I tell Cara the info I gathered and we have a hearty laugh about how stupid of a move we think it is.
It’s admirable to call out a strong team, it’s also admirable to be a millionaire… but what do I know. Knowing that John and Tony were going in, and potentially winning, we actually told the boys before we left about the Lavender plan. In case they do come back, we need them more than ever. The LL’s follow through with their plan as we gather to head over to Armageddon.
In Armageddon, Cara and I look super shocked, and that’s because TJ let us know that two teams received zero votes. Paulie and Natalie, and me and Cara. HOLY SH*T! They’re actuating doing it. Like Ashley says, “Better them than me.” In the elimination, ring sits to pools and it’s freezing out. BETTER THEM THAN ME IS RIGHT!
Tony and John decide to choose Sylvia and Joss, and I immediately disagree with their choice. DO NOT SLEEP ON SYLVIA. Considering it seemed to entail a puzzle it would have been of great benefit to not only Banony, but viewers at home, to chose Ashley and Hunter, or Shane and Nelson. I smirk imagining all the bickering we could’ve been blessed with.
Considering the number of times Shane yells at Joss, you’d think he was in there himself. I’m sad this didn’t happen and decide to remain quiet for the remainder of the elimination. When you’re playing with both sides, you can’t root for one or the other (duh). I NEED Banony to win—without them, we’re just living in Cara and Marie land. Which BTW, If we DO win this million dollars, Cara and Marie land will FOR SURE be a thing. Horses will roam free, PIZZA WILL BE DELIVERED, and #BYOB will be required so I can get high off of your supply. Hehe.
Sylvia is super confident going into this. Part of me wants her to win. At the end of the day, a male-male team in the finale will crush all of us. In fact, we might as well just lay on the floor when TJ blows the whistle because this entire Challenge has been a CROCK OF SH*T. How Cara and I are still alive is beyond me. Fast forward: Sylvia and Joss win. Woo.
As the LL’s celebrate, John and Tony stand by the fire to warm up. And boy, are they warming up. I’ve never been as attracted to Bananas as I am in this moment. I’m a hater, but I’m also not blind, the guy looks good. Tony has some great one-liners regarding the architects and his humor is truly under appreciated. Tony is one of the funniest guys in the house. Bye Banony. We will miss you… and by we I mean Cara and me.
Bananas lands in Redemption and immediately begins boiling water. He tells Kayleigh about Nelson and Natalie and their cuddle season. As someone who was there, it did happen. Did they take it to an inappropriate level? No… but if that was my boyfriend, any proximity to a woman smaller than 10 feet is a reason to fight. I wish Brad would explain the importance of credit scores to her at this moment so she can know that NELSON AIN’T SH*T.
It’s challenge day, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, There’s a purge. If it wasn’t for *someone’s* inability to walk in a straight line (Nelson). How the hell were female teams supposed to win? Paulie and Natalie crush this challenge, and suddenly I understand why Cara is attracted to Paulie. On a serious note though, this guy is an athlete. Him and Natalie in this game—and any game moving forward—should be considered a threat.
In true Nelson fashion, he f*cks up royally and Cara and I MIGHT JUST HAVE A CHANCE. Nelly gets halfway through riding and rolling logs around, hanging on to it like it’s Shane’s dong. Cara and I are up last. And of course, Mother Nature decides to join the fun. By the time we get up there, it’s raining lightning-ing. ALL WE NEED IS ONE FLAG.
Spoiler: we don’t get any flag. But Cara does make it further than Nelson, so we’re safe. At this point, I was receiving hate-tweets trolling me like “UGH YOU HAD ONE JOB!” First and foremost, I’d bet the prize money that you idiots couldn’t do it. Second, I was in utter shock. I thought Cara was going to take a breath before coming across but she just went for it. I was not prepared. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. Why is no one looking at Joss, Nelson, Shane, or Sylvia? Bring your hate somewhere else, I don’t care. I’m happy I’m not going to Redemption, but sad that I will miss Johnny’s face when Shane and Nelson walk in. KARMA.
We leave off with Kayleigh, Nelson, and John in room and Bananas isn’t backing down. This is the mischievous asshole we know and love. I enjoy watching Nelson squirm. Next week, Redemption beef will come to a head as two of those four extremely strong teams will finally go home for good. It’s time to SHUT DOWN Redemption, FOLKS! LET IT BURN.
Next week we’ll get a double elimination…. and SURPRISE SURPRISE, a purge. F*CK YOU. GOODNIGHT.
Images: Giphy (2); MTV (4)
Last week I taught everyone a lesson not to sleep on me. This week on Final Reckoning week 16, we begin with Nelson and Brad trying to teach each other a lesson as well. Brad told Kayleigh he wants to give her toilet paper for all the sh*t she talks, and Nelson wasn’t having it. As a war breaks out after the Redemption elimination (where Natalie and I came through in one of the biggest upsets this season) Nelson continues to beg Brad to spank his ass. Brad drops a bomb comeback: “You line up a motherf*cking fight, and I’ll meet you in your weight class, b*tch!”
I’m just wondering why MTV hasn’t jumped on top of this opportunity yet. “Call the Lawyers.” Give the people what they want! The losing teams head back to Redemption and no one is more excited than Cara to have #PaNatalie back in the house. TJ wasn’t lying when he said I went from “cigarettes and sadness to happiness, and let’s do this!” I’m pumped to be back in the main house. Can’t say the LL’s feel the same.
On the bus to Redemption, Kam takes the opportunity to make fun of the boys’ loss to #PaNatalie. #TeamBB literally spent almost two months in Redemption and their first win came against the so-called “powerhouse” duo that is Kyle and Brad. Kam’s okay with her loss because Cara is a legend, and Brad reminds her that I’m part of that team as well… Since when am I not a legend? Show some damn respect, boys. Don’t make me pull out the toilet paper, Brad.
At the main house, Johnny is super excited to have Natalie back. In true passive-aggressive fashion, Natalie brings up Angela, and Johnny asks, “who?” What you don’t see is Johnny hanging the panties Angela left him over Natalie’s bed. Call me old-fashioned, but this and many other reasons is why I never leave a thong behind. Come on girls, do better.
Outside, Devin and Cory discuss their almost flawless game. Considering they’ve only participated in one challenge thus far, I can’t disagree. We are then reminded of what drives the boys as they plan for their first challenge wins: Devin is here to make his later father proud, and Cory is here to promote Teen Mom. Just kidding. Kind of.
We get another adorable picture of Ryder, Cory’s daughter, and I can hear my uterus sigh. MTV makes parenthood so appealing. Had I known Teen Mom was dropping the “Teen” qualification for the show, I may have never gotten a #Smushmortion. I’m KIDDING. *sweats profusely* Cory and Devin agree it’s best to act oblivious and remain low-key. Good idea. What could PASTAbly go wrong?
We head to the bar/dead restaurant and Cory lets us know DADDY’S EATING GOOD TONIGHT. I’m not usually turned on when someone calls themselves Daddy, but tonight is different. Cory, if you want another baby… I’m potty trained… most nights. We get a quick shot of me and Sylvia talking in the background, and this was actually her apologizing to me. I can definitely hold a grudge, but in a Challenge house, it’s hard to. I may or may not need her allegiance moving forward. There are millions of reasons I decided to let the head-butt go, and they all spell money. Right, Nelson?
On the way home we’re continuing to enjoy our time together… and our leftovers. Within minutes the bus goes from 0 to 100 after Tony decides to throw Cory’s pasta out the window. The girls and I head inside, not knowing how serious this all would end, and I’m pissed I didn’t see it firsthand. Cory blindsides Tony with a backward trip/flip and again, I’m turned on. I guess there’s just something about food fights that get me going.
The house is in a total uproar as both sides plead their case. Devin is sure that they must have slipped and Bananas is positive that they didn’t. The only thing I know is that Shane must have taught Nelson a new word this week. Nelson goes on to use the word “amplify” as many times as possible before the end of the episode. Good job Nelly, but can you spell it?
Johnny brings Tony into one of the interview rooms as the audience gets a behind-the-scenes look into how we do things. Bougie, right? John takes full advantage of being “the victim” and tells us that severe emotional traumas can really bring people together. Shut up. Tony and Cory both head to the hotel and no one knows what’s going to happen. Sylvia embraces her new villain role outside as she talks to Joss about the possibilities of both teams leaving. Why do I get Little Mermaid Ursula vibes here?
Once Tony and Cory leave, John is left alone with the gang mentality that makes up TYB. I’m never one to feel bad for John, but this was so obnoxious. Nelson literally woke our entire room up just to “amp” sh*t up and see John’s veins pop out of his head. Johnny lets Nelson know he doesn’t want to speak to idiots and this cues Devin, “the smart one”, to tap in.
Johnny is getting followed around the house by TYB. Even I’m getting annoyed. You’re not going to hit him, so can’t we all just go to bed? I’m not sure why Devin decides to follow John out to the front of the house since he already lives inside his head, but he does. John reaches his breaking point and hits Devin so low that even Nelson can see it on his tippy toes: “I hope the apple fell far from the tree because you’re a piece of sh*t.” OH, HELL TO THE N-O. It is never EVER appropriate to bring up someone’s deceased family, ESPECIALLY in this situation. #TeamDevin.
The following day John has cooled down and gives a lackluster apology to the camera. Do we believe him? I’m not sure… but I’d like to give anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being such a piece of sh*t. Tony returns to the house hoping for some TYB sympathy, but no one cares. Cory returns to the house and apologizes to Devin. I’m happy we can move past the pasta… turns out, TJ can’t though.
Apparently, this week production doesn’t condone physical violence and Cory and Devin are gone. Can someone say game-changer? I hate to see them leave, but LOVE to watch them walk away. See you in the states, boys! I have a hearty laugh when John asks “who put a knuckle in Joss?” because it’s true. I catch some secondhand embarrassment for Joss but remember he’s beautiful so I don’t feel bad. It’s Challenge time!
Its TJ’s favorite Challenge, Trivia! Typically I’d be excited about something that uses my brain, but these challenges always seem to have some sort of sadistic twist to them. This time, it’s standing 35 feet over water on a plank with a hammer kick to the bottom if you get 3 X’s…wonderful. Last time we did heights over water was the meat challenge. I’m not lying, if you don’t fall perfectly penciled that sh*t hurts and is also extremely dangerous (case in point, Leroy in the Vendetta car challenge). My face says it all as the contraption begins to lift.
I slowly walk out to the plank and begin to cry. This is my “I don’t want to be here” cry and can be spotted every Monday at 8am as I walk into work. Johnny surprisingly tries to calm me down as TJ notices Cara, like a disappointed dad, is NOT feeling this challenge either. Her face is DEAD as she gets up on the platform. I obviously screenshot Cara’s face and immediately set it as her contact picture in my phone.
We begin and I worry these questions were made for Nelson—any idiot can answer them. Me, Johnny, and Paulie all use our first X’s on Sylvia and Joss, and they’re out before they even get a question. Sylvia wonders when she’s gonna catch a break. Cue my eye roll. Quick to forget the head-butting incident, are we? As team #Sloss gets booted into the water the contraption shakes and down goes John. I would have laughed had I not been extremely terrified. Shane and Nelson are up next and use their correct answer to finish off Tony.
Shane and Nelson have two X’s when Nelson can’t remember the name of the elimination ring he fought in, several times, on Dirty Thirty. I’m not surprised and I’m NOT sad. See ya later, hater. Cara and I get ours correct and decide to use it on Ashley and Hunter. In hindsight, we probably should’ve used it on PaNatalie. We were in a much safer position if the opposing side won (they’d probably go for PaNatalie) and wouldn’t choose us to go against. I also believe that Ashley would’ve used her X on PaNatalie because they would’ve just axed her. Lapse of judgment.
It comes down to PaNatalie vs. Cara and me, and I’m praying they get this wrong. If they do, it’s back in our court. My prayers go unanswered as usual when I hear TJ say the word pizza. Paul’s been a super fan of the show and upon meeting him at the airport for departure he said: “You wanna pizza me?” I’m screwed. They answer correctly and TJ seems upset that I’d throw a pizza on Brad and Britni.
I plead my case that I simply delivered it and get rocked to the water. Two months in Redemption, near-death experience, and a pizza question leaves PaNatalie in a power spot. Ashley says she’s worried about their vote. She’s not sure who they’re aligned to, and neither am I. I felt this was worse-case scenario and sulked all the way to nominations.
What happens next? You won’t believe.
Next week’s episode is going to put a HUGE wrench in any Challenge fantasy games out there. Good luck kids, and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA!
Peace and love,
Images: MTV (4); Giphy (2)
We begin this episode mourning last week’s elimination results. Ashley, Sylvia, and I pour one out for our homie Amanda, while Tony shares a love note Zach left him with John. With Zach and all of John’s other bros in Redemption, Bananas realizes he’s going to have a tough time moving forward. Considering nobody likes him. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the day for me), he isn’t fully out of luck. Cara reminds us while playing with a green boa alone in the background that nobody likes her either. Losers unite!
I feel slightly embarrassed as I watch Devin and Cory take a house tour. It was much cleaner six weeks ago when the rest of us moved in. As they celebrate their win, we get another ridiculously adorable picture of Cory’s daughter, Ryder. I want to babysit her forever. The audience then learns that Devin was meant to have a place in this house from the start. After flying 24 hours to South Africa, Devin was made aware that his father had passed away. My heart breaks for him now as it broke for him then.
Devin, If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a kiss, late night booty call, girlfriend, future wife, or whatever you want—call me. Jokes (or truth) aside, I’m so happy he decided to come back. He’s the only person that can make John angry solely by breathing. Would’ve loved seeing them forced to work together. Now you know why fruity didn’t have a partner in the beginning.
Outside, The Lavender Ladies and their “groupie” (me) are chatting by the pool. Now that Jozea and Da’Vonne are at Redemption, there are only two teams left for the LL’s to target before self-destructing: Banony and #TeamCaraMarie. While I haven’t always been tight with the Lavender Ladies, I was close with Sylvia, a fellow “Dolphin”. During Vendettas last season, Sylvia, Kam, Kailah, and I formed an equally, if not more obnoxiously named, girlfriend alliance, The Dolphins. Don’t ask. Nonetheless, Sylvia and I had a real, and very recent, relationship going into this house.
I understand why she might want to go against me in this game, as I’m aligned by default with two people that I formerly hated as well. There’s a reason you see Johnny and Tony vote for Ashley and Hunter later in the episode during nominations. The goal of speaking to Sylvia was for her and me to regroup and take advantage of the new numbers (and teams) in the main house.
I can’t say if Sylvia would have agreed with my plan because she never gave me the opportunity to pitch it, but I can say I’m a ridiculously good saleswoman and would have closed the deal on the spot. Ashley thinks I’m delusional and I think Sylvia, along with everybody else, needs new jokes when it comes to my numerous personalities. They’re called moods. Okurrrr?
At the Redemption house, Paulie is sad to see his Big Brother friends walk in while Zach seems happy, for the first time ever, as he runs inside the house with open arms. Zach lets everyone know why he’s blessed them with his presence and how much of a better person he is than Amanda for doing the exact same thing—being stubborn. You’re both great humans and I appreciate the decisions you made in last week’s elimination. Love you both.
It’s Challenge day and we’re playing “what goes up must come down”. TJ explains that a two hundred foot building and weird floor puzzle are the only things standing between us and a win today. He lied. That’s not the only obstacle for #TeamCaraMarie; we’re also rewarded with the disadvantage we took home last challenge after losing. For us, the door to that 200 ft building will be locked until we find the key to open it. Good.
Devin and Cory are up first and Devin is excited. This challenge seems like it’s right in his wheelhouse: “little cardio, big puzzle.” He gets me. TJ blows the horn and they’re off. Down below Hunter chants “TYB” for the 29299483209th time since Cory entered the house last night. I think Nelson might actually have a hard-on. They cruise past the puzzle portion with great communication and make their way down. I begrudgingly laugh out loud as John says that Devin looks like a geriatric patient as he slowly makes his way. Anxiously, I wait for TJ to tell them that they “set the bar low” like he’s told Cara and me every single Challenge so I can let out a “haha” and point like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don’t get my chance.
Ashley and Hunter are up and we see exactly why their love never blossomed. I feel like I’m watching my grandmother scream at my grandfather because he hears nothing. It is at this exact moment, while Ashley is screaming out orders to Hunter, that I realize who she reminds me of! Ruth Langmore, the badass hillbilly from the Netflix series Ozark. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and have access to Netflix, close this recap immediately and go watch it right now. Ashley struggles to get down the building and Cara yells that there’s a Gucci bag at the bottom for some game time inspiration. Where’s that kind of motivation when I’m doing something Cara? GUCCI GETS ME GOING!
Cara and I are up next, and I’m pissed off. Cara takes longer than expected to unlock the door and I’ve managed to memorize nothing while she was doing so. We make it to the top, without stopping might I add, and we get a stomach-turning POV shot from Cara as she looks down at the puzzle. I hate heights. Cara begins reading off colors but I, in all my glory considering I am still alive after that stair run, do not realize there are TWO buckets of puzzle pieces by the board, not one.
We actually communicated extremely well once someone from production tapped my shoulder and made me aware of the issue (another box of puzzle pieces) at hand. We strap in and head down the wall and I am literally in shock at my own performance. I’m in even MORE shock when I turn to tell Cara “Look what I can do!” and realized she’s way behind me. While we probably won’t win today, I felt as if I did. No offense taken, Tony.
Up next is Shanelly and I’M SCREAMING at their team interview. Nelson has my brain on overdrive. He’s giving me way too much material to roast with him with. It’s time to go night-night!
My takeaway: At first Nelson wanted to strangle Shane but now he wants to straddle him. They speed up the steps and are clearly the team to beat at this point. With Shane’s help, Nelson completes his first puzzle in his life and probably last ever too. I have to say, while I currently don’t like Nelson because he tried to get mad at me over Kayleigh drama, I do love watching him. The guy is literally THE GOOFIEST. The sexual puns he’s unknowingly feeding the audience right now are the highlight of the episode for me thus far.
Sylvia and Joss go, and I actually forgot about this dynamic duo. They race up the stairs, yada yada yada, John sends another lame joke Amanda’s way and they finish. Sylvia makes a good joke about not working out when she gets to the top, but clearly, I’m feeling a type of way tonight as I write this. It’s hard not to go back to a feeling when you’re watching it back. I love you, Sylvia. I’ll try harder.
Banony is the last pair to go. They are well aware that if they can’t beat Shane’s time, Nelson is gonna put the power vote on dat ass. As everyone screams different colors from the ground below in hopes to mess up John, I chose to remain silent and pray. I know that if Banony wins, Cara and I are definitely going into elimination. Spoiler Alert: Banony wins. Crazy how John could go from world’s biggest bully in Challenge history to the victim in only 14 episodes. I bet you’re rooting for them, aren’t you? He’s really embracing the victim role well. I guess that’s what happens when you get on basic television.
ANYWAY, as a self-described realist, I’ll be the first to say that the performance of #TeamCaraMarie thus far in Challenges deserves an elimination appearance. However, I’ll also be a complete hypocrite and say how the f*ck is this season fair? Whoever created this “Final Reckoning” theme definitely had their sights set on two new male champions to add to their short list of alumni under 60 who’d accept a Champs Vs. Stars call. I’m pissed.
During what should be a friendly game of cards in my and Shane’s room, I think it’s a good time to try to talk game. Again. Persistence breaks down resistance! I won’t go down without a fight. BET. LOL. Sylvia doesn’t want to chat because she’s having fun knowing she’s not going in, and I find out that my bestie Shane plans on saying my name as well. If ANYONE has had a real alliance here, it was me and Shane. We shared that cozy little room you see us sitting in, we burned votes on each other numerous times, and even Cara knew well enough to tell John last week that I’d never say his name. Even if every team still planned to say my name, why couldn’t you just vote rogue? It’s not like anyone expects that we’d chose to go against you. That’s crazy talk.
Cara feels bad for me but she shouldn’t. I’m never a victim because I don’t allow myself to be. I’ve known where I stood with this group all along. I’m just in a dark, angry place right now as production forces me to get dressed for a night out. The bar is completely empty because we’re not allowed to speak to strangers and it’s just adding insult to injury as I have to listen to “TYB” chants after every fruity shot of Triple Sec they take. Like, Can you even? Triple. Sec.
Ashley decides to join me in the corner and asks why I’m upset. I don’t know, maybe every single team in the house is voting me in tomorrow. It’s pretty reasonable that I don’t want to be around them. I know eliminations are part of the challenge. I also know that I don’t f*ck with anyone right now, so let me live. Ashley lets me know she’s won one of these before, just like she lets anyone know within five minutes of meeting them. She says I need to accept elimination and that I shouldn’t light fires. Alexa, play every time Ash has started a fire on a Challenge. The New Yorker in me is starting to show.
Oh god. Now I’m crying? I’m an emotional drunk. Kidding. I’m always emotional. Big f*ck you to Shane who says a million dollars can buy him friends who are less crazy than me. Drinks are on YOU motherf*cker at the reunion this week. I hate that it seems like I’m desperate, but all I ever wanted was a conversation because I’m desperate. I wasn’t frustrated so much about going in as I expected my time was running short, I was frustrated that Sylvia (my friend who I talked to every day prior to the show, and even went on weekend getaways with) wouldn’t give me the time of day.
As I pull Sylvia aside again for the second time that night, I laugh as I watch myself transform into Marnie, my alter ego. Part of me feels as if I secretly enjoy being denied. Would totally make sense considering my lifelong list of unavailable crushes and men who will never be interested in me. On a positive note, my hair looks great here.
Back at the house, Cara’s making pizza, and that’s never a good sign for me. Sylvia tells me that I’m the only person freaking out while simultaneously freaking out herself. We do the chest bump thing that everyone does in this house and I hope that she hits me. I’ll take a bruise over an elimination ANY DAY. If it gets physical someone goes home, right Kailah? Seeing this footage makes me understand why it didn’t happen. I was clearly an antagonist in this situation and the headbutt, while a great throwback WWE move, really was weak AF.
“Did you just headbutt my partner?” “Noooo never.” I AM DEAD. I wish I would’ve fallen to the floor screaming like I used to back when I played soccer many, many, many, years ago. I am cracking up at how unbothered I am as I storm around like Dora The Explorer in my backpack. *shrugs* “Fine. f*ck you” *middle finger high* exits. The next day they made us film TJ warning us about physical altercations, so the “that’s my warning” line was in response to his. Is it weird that I’m my own biggest fan?
TJ shows up for the secret vote, but it’s no secret, Cara and I are 100% going in. Nelson knows that it’s down to the “needy greedy” and everyone votes for us as predicted. OUR TURN! Sorry about the turtle comment, Sylvia. No idea. Cara calls me her friend and what follows is my favorite moment from Final Reckoning… and that says A LOT. Now that NOBODY LIKES ME too, Cara can finally like me. Sylvia head butting me was just what the doctor ordered. Is it just me or does Cara seem fired up for the first time this season? Gotta be top five cutest challenge moments ever. Don’t @ me.
Cara and I have nothing to lose going into this elimination. We’re both fired up over recent events and even more fired up over our recent friendship. The board lights up and Cara is excited we finally won something. Let’s keep this momentum going! TJ tells me I’m a far cry from cigarettes and sadness and I blink twice with no expression and say “Thank you, TJ?” It’s time to see who our options are when a song I’ve never heard before (but will totally jam to) turns on and so does the board.
Everyone is worried about getting picked. And everyone has good reason to be. Cory and Devin just got here, Hunter’s been a b*tch aggressively coming for Cara (Not John) all season as he pretends, Sylvia, because the head thing, and Shane because he’s right when he says I’M PETTY.
Without discussing our options we look at each other and call down Shane and Nelson. Nelson’s final interview of the episode erases all the good he did earlier and I dislike him again. Here’s hoping we get those equalizers. GIRL POWER!
What’d you think of tonight’s episode? Best one yet?
Images: Giphy (3); MTV (5)
In last week’s recap, I apologized to The Challenge editing team. This week, I take it back. F*ck you. Last night’s episode was shocking for more than one reason. Not only did we get an elimination that was completely unexpected, but we also got another episode edit that made literally no sense. I’m beginning to wonder if John puts these things together himself. Luckily I have been granted the opportunity to write this recap and let everyone know the TRUTH about what really went on.
Before we jump into this week, let’s recap last week: Kyle and Brad got eliminated and were sent to Redemption, where an underwhelming meet-and-greet with their enemy Paulie wasted five minutes of my life. Zach and Amanda embarrassed everyone with how quickly they took the day’s W. I was the only cast member to actually build a makeshift stick out of twigs because my partner has lost complete sight of the game.
This week we pick up right where we left off. Zach and Amanda need to decide where to place their power vote. While winning is a great way to NEVER get eliminated (or so we thought) Amanda lets us know that her win is bittersweet as she and Zach can’t seem to get on the same page. Outside Zach is b*tching about Amanda and the fact that he always gets paired with girl rivals. Here’s a thought, Zach: maybe stop arguing with only female players and perhaps your luck will change. Nelson tells Zach that he wants to get Bananas out, and Zach begins to cry at the thought of losing his BFF Tony.
At this point in the game, Jozea and Davonne need to pick a side. The power of their rogue vote has come to an end. Cara tells them that’s a good place to be as the two main alliances begin to attempt wooing them to their side. Cara was made aware by ME, her partner, that the LL’s had plans to align their votes and come for the king of fruit, Bananas. But this wasn’t always the plan. In fact, it was my actions that forced their decision to do so… but we’ll get to that later.
Apparently, that makeshift stick of twigs I made last week is also up an editor’s ass this season as they begin to paint the idea that John was the mastermind behind this week’s nomination choices. I wonder if they too have a lackluster sex tape with John. The sun goes down and Banony invites Cara for a jog outside. I wasn’t invited to this pow-wow because a) Johnny thinks I’m a double agent (which was true), and b) I never agree to a late-night jog session or jog in general ever.
Bananas knows he has no friends and needs to rally some votes to keep him out of elimination. He suggests to Cara that we should vote for Shanelly, but she lets him know I’d never say Shane’s name (unless of course we had agreed to it for our benefit *See most nomination burns for reference.*) I like that she finally acknowledges here that in order to do anything in this game she’s going to need my help. Except for playing with her hair… I’d never touch that. They agree to vote for Ashley and Hunter, and we head over to the Redemption house where Kyle and Paulie share a space other than Cara’s vagina.
Upstairs in the Redemption house, we get what I feel should be the biggest takeaway from the episode, the importance of eyebrows. Kam agrees that Kayleigh’s eyebrows are Insta-worthy and I bet, like myself, you’re all wishing you were blessed with stunning eyebrows as well. If, like me, your eyebrow game isn’t strong, and your ability to fake them with makeup is even worse… I highly suggest googling microblading. Life. Changing.
Downstairs we finally get the interaction between Kyle and Paulie we deserve. Last week, Paulie decided it’s best to play cool with Kyle, but now he’s had a change of heart. Paulie lets everyone know that he should’ve come into the game single and f*cked Cara. We all know if you keep up with this show outside of just the show in any regard, that at the end that didn’t matter regardless. Paulie explains that he didn’t realize Kyle had feelings for Cara since he was getting wet with Faith in the hot tub day one. Kyle thinks Paulie is a sheep and that his ex-girlfriend is f*ckable. I laugh.
I laugh harder when Paulie says that if things were to get physical between the two, Kyle would end up looking like his pre-surgery self. Who says girls can only start drama? While I never condone violence, I definitely crossed my fingers hoping these two would hit each other. Sidenote: Why does Kyle always squeak when he’s trying to be a tough guy? Classic “I’m a lover, not a fighter” reaction. They both deserve a good spanking. Where’s Cara when you need her?
At the main house, Nelson puts on his thinking cap and approaches Da’Vonne in the bedroom. Shoutout to lil’ momma for coining the term “mental bum” during Champs V. Stars, because that’s exactly what Nelson is. Apparently, Day and Nelson went to the same school, but I find that hard to believe considering the massive difference between their intelligence. Nelson provides me with another hilarious #OOTD in his leather jacket. Nelson has no clue about the temperature in this house, literally and figuratively.
In the living room, John attempts to gain the support of #TeamBB. If he is able to rally three votes, he believes HE can force a tie scenario in elimination. With Zach in the power seat, John knows that this is his safest bet. John lets Da’Vonne and Jozea know he’s on a “need to know basis” and the following information is something that I believe the audience NEEDS TO KNOW:
After the daily challenge, I was made aware by Hunter that if I voted him in, he would choose Cara and me. For someone who barks big in the interviews they show about coming for Bananas, this was never the case. By continuing my relationship with the LL’s I knew that their votes were not all aligned in the beginning as their original plan was to go after me and Cara.
Shane, being my bestie, would not agree with this move. Had the team stuck to this plan, The votes would have fallen 3-2. If this went down, Ashley and Hunter would receive the most votes and Cara and I would definitely face them in elimination. Being privy to both sides of the spectrum, and the idea that the LL’s thought our side was coming for Shane, I let Ashley know that the plan had changed and they would be the team we targeted. By doing so, I brought out Paranoid Pam in Ashley. She rallied her troops as expected to come together as one and vote for Banony.
Nobody wants to knowingly go into elimination, even if it’s against me and Cara. I knew that if Ashley got the majority of the votes, Cara and I were going in. I also knew that if we could somehow force a tie, the decision would come down to Zach and Amanda. Both of whom had made it clear to everyone that they would not back down to each other’s wishes. We didn’t know what would happen if the power team could not come to a decision… but a 50/50 chance of going in was way better odds.
Another thing to point out was that Da’Vonne was on board with this plan from the very beginning. She had no reason to align with the LL’s pecking orders. They’ve been the the ones who’ve attempted to take her out. The girl isn’t stupid. By her going to Ashley and letting her THINK she was on board with their plan to vote in John, she made the LL’s more confident to follow through. They assumed Bananas would take a safe bet going against #TeamBB if voted into elimination.
It’s the night before nominations and Amanda and Zach still can’t seem to get on the same page. Tony says tomorrow’s elimination will show everyone’s cards—and it will. Zach is 1,000 percent positive that Tony will never say his name. He lets Amanda and Ashley know he’d put his entire bank account on that. I die from laughter when Ashley says “What, all two dollars?” and the camera zooms in on her ripping her cig.
Bananas thinks Amanda is the spawn of Satan because she’s calling him on his bullsh*t. Zach reminds her that she might be Satan since she hoped Cara’s horse died. Amanda replies with “At least I didn’t wish for her to die,” and she has a point. Amanda is a whole mood this episode. She tells Zach to stop acting like a “bad b*tch.” Hate her or love her… I LOVE HER.
At Armageddon, the votes fall as planned. Zach and Amanda must chose between Banony and Hunter and Ashley. After a snippy back-and-forth, TJ tells them if they can’t decide on who goes in, they’re going in. Zach unzips his jacket and walks down. I am Sylvia when they show her say “WHAT” in slow motion. I am also myself when I laugh in shock at the fact that this just happened. This couldn’t have gone any better for me and Cara.
Since Amanda and Zach were supposed to be safe, they now have to choose who will face them in elimination. Amanda is in shock that she has to play in street clothes just because Zach has one friend in life other than Jenna. They decide to chose Da’Vonne and Jozea. Day lets us all know exactly how she feels, especially towards Ashley and Hunter who are “b*tches.” I’m #TEAMDAY here. I really needed her to pull out this upset.
Just when we think we’re about to see a BB vs. Zach/Amanda elimination, TJ calls out a pair of new mercenaries, Devin and Cory. While I never hate some good eye candy, this team will in no way benefit my game. They both adamantly hate John, and by default, Cara as well. Devin is here to remind Bananas why he’s a piece of sh*t human. Cory is here to take home that money to his baby, Ryder. PS: Cory has now joined the Teen Mom family on MTV and I couldn’t be more excited to stalk their adorable little family on social media.
Both Team Day and Zach/Amanda lose to Cory and Devin and this is HUGE. Had they come together as a team and made a decision, I’d bet my entire bank account (that may or may not be two dollars) that after this weekend’s festivities, Zach and Amanda were going to win this entire thing.
Next week find out what happens when the target readjusts to #TeamCaraMarie. I’ve been told this episode will be the greatest episode in recent seasons. Get ready for some badass Marie moments, and a good old-fashioned head-butt.
What did you think of this week’s INSANE elimination results?
Images: MTV (8); Giphy (1)
I’d like to start this Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 12 recap off with an apology. I AM SORRY! I’m not sure to whom and for what this apology is owed… but there is someone in the editing room who is NOT a fan of me. I hope that he/she can find a way to forgive me in the NEAR future (as we are still only mid-season) for being absolutely hilarious and SMART even though they’ve tried everything in their ability to portray me otherwise. How many seasons did it take Cara to get a good edit? #askingformyself
We start at the main house, where Ashley is crying because she regrets sleeping with Kyle. I can understand this—I regret sleeping with 88% of my list too. Hate her or love her, you can’t deny Smash has a point when she says that she (and other women) on this show, on another show, and in actual REAL LIFE, are treated differently in the public eye than men when it comes to sex. Where was everyone shaming Kyle when he slept with both Faith and Ashley in only a matter of 24 hours? DOUBLE STANDARDS ARE HORSE SH*T!
Ashley reminds me of a Real Housewife as she chain smokes cigarettes outside in her silk robe. Inside, Hunter is being dramatic (as he usually is after 1.5 beers) telling everyone that if “that slut” (Ashley) loses him a chance at a million dollars he’s coming for her family.
Oy, Hunter. You truly are a good guy, but I can’t help you out here, buddy. Brad the dad tells Hunter to “check his back” as he disagrees with his comment, and I wonder if Hunter is actually physically capable of doing so. He has very wide shoulders… similar to SpongeBob. Picture it. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. #MassGain
Actual photo of Hunter:
The next morning, Cara is trying to get Bananas to tell her his plan of action for nominations. I shake my head knowing how much of a REACH it must have been for production to make it seem like John is a master politician this season. We all knew exactly where he was voting, hence Shane’s master plan in the bathroom. (Hilarious location choice for a team meeting, might I add.)
Whether or not Shane’s intention was to protect us ladies from going against him in an elimination or to guarantee himself the opportunity to choose which one of us he wanted to go against if that were the case, he got his wish. In fact, it was I who told Jozea and Davonne where to place their vote. By tying the two votes, Shane would receive from Bananas two votes on #TeamBB and #TeamZamanda. We ultimately forced John to stick with his alliance and follow through with his original vote, allowing Shane to do what he does best… whatever the f*ck he wants.
At Armageddon, John doesn’t surprise us when he chooses Shane and Nelson. Without any other votes for them but the power vote, ShaNelly gets to chose who they want to go against. I’m super worried because Nelson was very open about his desire to call out Cara and I if ever in elimination. (See nomination room again.) Same goes for Hunter.
Go big or go home! ShaNelly choese Brad and Kyle to dance in Armageddon, and fans are PUMPED. Either one of these teams going home would be HUGE. I pray it’s Kyle because I deserve a goddamn award after all this BS I’ve been dealing with it and he’s the sole reason. After a hilarious start, Shane and Nelson finally get their groove and pull out the W. I feel as good as my braids look.
(For real, shout-out to Davonne for that LEWK.) A bitter John tells Shane and Nelson to “Act like you’ve been here before,” and I for once agree. Why is Nelson wearing a winter jacket in South Africa halfway through the season?? I promise you it is NOT that cold.
Back at the house, Kyle thought it was an appropriate time to leave Cara a farewell present as he packed for redemption. I walk in the room to find a smitten Cara holding skeleton rings and I can’t believe this is still even a thing. Am I in the twilight zone?! Hopefully Cara gets the closure she needs knowing Kyle didn’t give the other girls goodbye rings—just herpes. I laugh at myself when I say “I wish he didn’t f*ck two girls before he gave it to you.” I can’t imagine me not being a fan favorite at this point. I literally crack myself up.
Kyle and Brad show up to the redemption house, and I prepare my popcorn. Both Paulie and Kyle have talked a BIG game about each other ever since Paulie moved into the redemption house five months ago. Paulie claims he’s had enough time to realize that fighting Kyle isn’t worth a million dollars; Kyle claims Paulie only barks loud when there’s security guards around; I claim that they’re both a bunch of nerds and this meet up is underwhelming, to say the least. Not sure who the bigger loser is here… but I’m gonna say the fans are a safe bet. What a letdown. Someone better call them out for this sh*t! 😉
It’s challenge time, and I’m SO excited to see something that I think women can fare well on! I remember being so hopeful that Cara and I had a chance. The Challenge consisted of one team member running and gathering trees/sticks, while the other waited in a locked cage (covered in graffiti). The runner had to get sticks and throw them over the top of the cage in order to free their partner. Once freed a puzzle waited at the finish line. Piece of cake, right? Ha.
We decide that I’m going to get locked in the cage since I’m taller and have no desire to run more than I have to. I let Cara know, at least 67 times, that if she could just grab a long stick I should be able to reach the key. TJ blows the whistle and we’re off… well not me, I’m trapped. Bananas is back within what could be seconds and immediately gets Tony out with a long stick he found on the floor. As I watch everyone follow in Banony’s footsteps, I wonder where my partner Cara is.
Once half the teams are freed from the cage, my partner rounds the corner with what could only be described as an armful of twigs. I begin building a makeshift pole and start to think I may get out quicker if I rub the sticks together and burn myself out at this point. I am STILL stuck in the cage as other teams return to find the answers to the puzzle. I take note of the questions people are shouting, as well as Johnny’s used stick, and tell Cara to grab it. She shoots it over the top and I’m FREE! Production feels the need to share my “I haven’t done cardio in four years” JOKE and I hate everyone. Really? REALLY?
We run to the finish line and begin answering our puzzle. We had the number of days spent in the cage (which was written in tallies off by one). Perhaps if I wasn’t tying twigs together I could have memorized the wall better. Amanda smokes the competition and made us all look like fools, while Jozea and Davonne came in a close second. P.S. Both members of this team absolutely crush their interviews. “JOZEEAA!!!!!” Ashley and Hunter beat us for the loss and we’re getting a significant disadvantage next challenge (that is, of course, if we even make it that far). I think us being the only girl/girl team is enough of a disadvantage. You can keep your twists, TJ!
Cara is defeated and so am I as TJ again reminds us how terrible we are. I am frustrated with Cara at this point because, regardless of the challenge, I feel like a win (or in our case, loss) should be shared by the both of us. This is a team challenge, after all. Perhaps I can spin this loss, and what one could assume will be another loss next challenge if we make it there, to our benefit.
Say a prayer for #TeamCaraMarie and DO NOT miss next week’s episode. I know I’ve said it a few times (due to lack of insight/support in production) BUT this is the episode that will blow your mind. We will get some new eye candy as Cory and Devin enter the game and an insane elimination scenario that will completely change this game.
Images: MTV; Giphy (2)
If you don’t know, now you know. I’m badass. We are officially midseason and I still haven’t been eliminated. You’re welcome. I’d write a bunch of witty “previously on” takeaways right about here, but I’m way too excited to talk about myself. So let’s jump in to this week’s episode (which is most definitely not named after me) “You’re the Worst.”
We begin the episode at last week’s purge, where the losing team will come down to either #TeamKamleigh or #TeamCaraMarie. A miracle occurs when Kam is unable to eat more than 6 plates and Cara and I skate by on the skin of our teeth. Well, her teeth. That sh*t was not going in my mouth. I feel you, Kam. As Kamleigh walk away to join PaNatalie in Redemption, I secretly wish I was a fly on the wall to see their homecoming. Luckily this is reality television, so essentially we kind of are.
Kamleigh shows up to Redemption and Natalie is shocked. She welcomes them to her home with an “Oh my god.” Paulie happily greets his new house guests and Natalie heads upstairs to find her Xanax. Nat has problems with both Kam and Kay at this point. Kam because of her heroic “read” in last week’s elimination, and Kayleigh because she outed her on social media. I’m 78% certain Natalie alluded to being a lesbian during the Vendettas reunion… but don’t quote me on that… because I don’t care. Natalie has 2 choices: Sleep until the next Armageddon or address her issues head on. I’m here for either option.
At the main house it’s PARTY TIME. At the bar I’m hanging with the lavender ladies as usual because they’re a great time. Every time we had a chance to go out this season, I chose to be very cautious of my liquor intake. The majority of the house hated Cara and if I lost my cool (like I typically do after 12 shots of tequila), we’re done. Sylvia notes that I’m a “sometimes” lavender lady. I agree.
I’m not official #LL because 1) I wasn’t there for its creation, and 2) I’ll never be a groupie. Cara tries to have a surprisingly genuine conversation with Ashley but Smash isn’t having it. For the first time I actually feel bad for Cara watching this show. Ashley knew Cara and Kyle were a thing and that there were feelings there. We explained the Faith situation when she arrived. She didn’t need to check “sex facts” because we relayed the message. Bottom line: Ashley doesn’t give a f*ck… well mentally at least. HEHE
We head home and after a long night of sly whispers and dirty looks, Cara finally cracks. The girls had been taunting her for a while and even I was over it. I remember calming her down outside when, out of nowhere, Joss poured water on her head from the balcony above us. At that time we didn’t know it was him, but regardless, it was the last straw. In that moment, I saw her eyes light on fire and I couldn’t help but give her a nod of approval. It was go time and I supported whatever she was about to do. Had I been in her position, not only would my eyes be lit, but so would the house as I burned it to the ground. When all the craziness is happening, keep a close eye on B-RAD in the background. Guy is legit having a panic attack and it’s so funny. I love Brad the dad!
I’m in a really tough spot now. I understand the frustrations that the girls have in the house with Cara. I have them too. However, having her as a partner forced me to accept the things that she does and also understand why she does it.
I truly don’t think Cara believes “SHE IS THE STORYLINE” as she claims on Twitter. I believe that she feels she has to be. Being considered “the best” is a lot of pressure. Down here at rockbottom is actually pretty chill, considering it can only get better. I still think she’s annoying but I blame MTV for that. If you’re not insecure, you’re not living. She just wants to be loved like the rest of us. If only she could communicate that differently I think she’d be much more tolerable. It’s lonely at the top. Ask John.
As a native New Yorker, when I see something, I say something. I defended Cara not because of where I stood on the Lavender Lady “totem poll,” but because I didn’t agree with how she was being treated. Believe it or not, I’m a decent human being at the end of the day. My friends will never have any control over what I think is wrong or right. Had I still been on Vendettas with the Kayleigh incident, it would have never went down.
As I tell the girls to leave Cara alone, Ashley calls me a loser. The way I mock her with “OH I’M A LOSER TO ASHLEY?” is cringeworthy. I hate my voice. That being said, the entire time Ashley was popping off, her tits were popping out. That’s where my comment came from when I called her “whore.” I wonder if I’ll be harassed for slut-shaming when the episode airs. I’m sorry, Ash. If you’re a whore, I’m a whore. <3 B.F.F.N (best friends for now.) Also—I def need a GIF of Amanda flailing her arms when she’s in the bedroom yelling at Cara. Wish we could have heard what she was saying. Still made me laugh. (Editor’s Note: If you can make that GIF, drop it in the comments.)
After things finally settle down, I try to calmly talk to the LL’s outside. Believe it or not, Amanda was actually the most reasonable one throughout this entire situation. When Cara walked into the room earlier it was poor timing. The issue (Ashley) had already been put to bed… literally.
Amanda calls it as she sees it, but she wasn’t the reason everything popped off like it did. She received the brunt of the grief from Cara, but TBH she really hadn’t done anything that night to deserve it. When I said “Cara knows I talk sh*t about her,” I meant it. Cara and I literally discussed that in order for me to stay in cahoots with the LL’s I had to continue hating her openly. The second I became team Cara would be the second we became public enemy number one. Welp!
At Redemption, things are going just as swimmingly as it is at the main house. Kayleigh and Natalie have finally decided to speak, and I’m excited. Natalie lets kay know that she doesn’t do things to act maliciously… she just acts. A heated debate erupts over Natalie being a lesbian and I feel this could have been easily avoided if someone would just define the term Pansexual to Kayleigh. Big difference. (I’m joking. Don’t be weird.) In a crazy turn of events, Natalie doesn’t react like a robot, she blows up. For the first time I think we’re seeing an unmasked Natalie. Take it in, it won’t last long.
We get to the daily challenge, and no one is excited. Cara and I go first and show every team after us exactly what NOT to do. I remember trying to arch my back as much as possible so that my butt would look good for the camera guy. It sucks to suck. It sucks even more when TJ tells you that you suck the whole time that you’re sucking. I work better with constructive criticism, TEEJ (CARA). Johnny and Tony get the W and it looks like we are in for a REAL TREAT next elimination. Spoiler alert: WE ARE IN FOR A REAL TREAT NEXT ELIMINATION.
With Bananony safe and armed with the power vote things are about to get messy… and you can’t spell messy WITHOUT ME. 😉 Let me know your thoughts on tonight’s episode in the comments below!
P.S. I may have definitely tossed Ashley across the room during that argument in the bedroom… and by “may have definitely” I mean definitely. I’m surprised they didn’t show it but I assume it’s because of the backlash they would receive due to their decision to send Kailah and Mel home this season. BUT—if they didn’t show it, it didn’t happen right?
Images: MTV; Giphy (3)