UPDATED: Arie & Lauren Had Their Baby

UPDATE: The world’s longest pregnancy is officially over, because on Wednesday afternoon, Arie and Lauren’s baby finally arrived. Lauren gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Alessi Ren, which I’m going to assume is a Dutch name I don’t know about, and not a girl version of the DJ Alesso. Arie first announced the news on his Instagram story, and then later in the evening, both he and Lauren posted photos of their new baby. That’s the difference between a Kardashian baby and a Bachelor baby. The Kardashians can keep an entire pregnancy secret, but with Arie and Lauren we practically knew this baby’s social security number 45 minutes after she was born.

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This was first time she laid eyes on me and I’m forever changed ❤️ Alessi Ren Luyendyk

A post shared by Arie Luyendyk (@ariejr) on

While Lauren was in labor, Arie spotted prime opportunities for #content, and his Instagram story was a lot. First, Lauren guessed that her baby would be 6 lbs, 18 oz, which the internet promptly began to troll. I’ll give Lauren a little bit of slack and say it was the drugs talking, but I’m also not confident that Lauren knows there are 16 ounces in a pound. She doesn’t seem really, you know, math-y to me. Arie was literally taking videos of Lauren talking while she was in a hospital bed about to push out a baby, and I’m really just impressed that she didn’t hit the phone out of his hands. I’m sure they agreed on a certain amount of hospital content ahead of time, but still, give it a rest.

The most notable thing about Arie and Lauren’s new daughter is that she’s basically already an influencer. The Baby Luyendyk Instagram account already has 280,000 followers, so it’s probably only a matter of weeks before she starts posing for photos with Teami shakes. Like mother, like daughter! Honestly, the only surprising thing is that little Alessi was born like, 15 hours ago while I’m writing this, and she still hasn’t posted anything to her Instagram. Apparently Lauren is already struggling in her duties as a momager.

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29 weeks! This week I’m the size of a butternut squash. It’s a bit of an odd shaped vegetable, but I’ll take it. Mom and Dad went on a road trip this week and I learned RV life is fun. It felt like I was on a little rollercoaster for the last few days. Well enough about them let’s talk about me. This week I’m actually dreaming in here when I sleep and let me tell you baby dreams are so random. I had this dream Mom and Dad met on a TV show, like when would that happen ??‍♀️. Also my little head is getting bigger to make room for my growing brain. Expect me to be more witty week by week ? Other than that Mom has been showing me off and she tells me she’s proud of me. All the feels ❤️ Chat again next week, love you guys! #29weekspregnant

A post shared by Baby Luyendyk? (@babyluyendyk) on

Congrats to Arie and Lauren on their bundle of joy, and especially congrats to Arie because now his wife can work on getting “back to normal.” Sorry buddy, but I doubt she’ll want to go hiking anytime soon!

WEDNESDAY: Bachelor Nation is about to get a new member, because Arie and Lauren are about to have their first baby. Thanks to Arie keeping us updated on Instagram, we know that Lauren is in labor and in the hospital, which means that Baby Luyendyk should finally be making an appearance any minute. Late Tuesday night, Arie posted a photo of them at the hospital, with the caption “IT’S HAPPENING!” I’m honestly offended at how beautiful Lauren looks while she’s literally in labor, but here’s the photo anyway:

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A post shared by Arie Luyendyk (@ariejr) on

Over the past 24 hours, Arie’s Instagram story has been quite the journey. On Tuesday, Lauren had her 39-week appointment, and everything looked great. He and Lauren both talked about being ready, and he specifically said he can’t wait for her to be “back to normal” so she can hike and stuff. K, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ever tell a woman that she’s not normal, but it probably went right over Lauren’s head.

Then, last night, the two of them were at home like nothing was happening, filming an IG story ad for some health drink. Honestly, they’re way more charismatic doing Insta story ads than they ever were on The Bachelor, so I guess I’m glad they found their calling. They seem so much better in real life than on TV, which is probably a good thing if you’re trying to make a marriage work. Still #TeamBecca tho.

But after the ad was posted, it was time for Baby Luyendyk to kick things into high gear. They got to the hospital late last night, and the Instagram stories kept going strong. First, Lauren complained about how long it took Arie to find a parking spot, and then she was pushing him around the hallways in a wheelchair, which ended up getting them in trouble. Clearly Lauren was still feeling fine at this point, but I don’t think most women have this much fun while they’re in labor.

A few hours after that, Arie updated us that Lauren’s contractions were two minutes apart, and then she got an epidural at about 5am, Arizona time. As of right now, they’re trying to get some sleep before the baby comes, but it really could be any time. I’m sure we’ll be updated via Instagram as soon as it happens, and I give it less than an hour until Baby Luyendyk posts its first official Instagram outside of the womb. These two are way too corny to let this opportunity get away from them.

Obviously, I’ll be back with updates as soon as we know more, because let’s be honest, I didn’t really want to get anything done today anyway.

Images: Shutterstock; @ariejr (4), @babyluyendyk / Instagram

People Are Dragging Arie And Lauren For This Instagram They Posted

It’s been a year since we were forced to watch Arie and Lauren hang out together in silence on The Bachelor, and I’ve mostly stopped being annoyed by them. For all of Arie’s bullsh*t about breaking up with Becca on national television, it genuinely seems like he made the right choice. Arie and Lauren are now married with a baby on the way, and it feels like they are happy together and committed to one another.

But just because we don’t have to suffer through watching their dates anymore doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. In fact, it looks like they’re now forcing Planet Earth to suffer through their dates instead. A couple days ago, Lauren posted this photo of her and Arie at Antelope Canyon, which is in Arizona. The canyon is famous for its smooth, wavy walls and narrow pathways, and it’s really beautiful. Lauren’s caption about not carrying herself/Arie not carrying her/idk is very confusing to me, but whatever, it’s a cute pic.

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Needed a little break from carrying @babyluyendyk & me around #29weekspregnant #LLxGI

A post shared by Lauren Luyendyk (@laureneburnham) on

Okay the caption is really still driving me crazy (like, is she implying that by carrying her, Arie is also carrying the baby? Because if that’s the case, I have an anatomy class I need her to sign up for), but other than that I wasn’t mad about the picture. But little did I know that Lauren’s cute pic was actually a photo of her disrespecting Mother Nature. People quickly pointed out in the comments that, because the canyon walls are so fragile, you’re not supposed to touch them. There’s actually a strict limit on how many people are allowed in Antelope Canyon each day, and you have to apply for a ticket months in advance. As you can clearly see, Lauren is standing on the wall, so she missed the “no touching” memo.

People quickly started dragging her in the comments, and to her credit, she actually did respond to one of them:

Okay, so I believe that Arie and Lauren didn’t realize she wasn’t supposed to touch the walls. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed, and we all do dumb sh*t sometimes. What I do have a problem with, however, is that she turned off the comments on the photo, and (according to Reddit) deleted many of the negative ones that were already there. Oh Lauren, sweet Lauren. The apology seems just a little less sincere when you follow it up by blocking out all other criticism. The guys behind Fyre Festival learned this the hard way! I get that people can be brutal in the comments, but just turn off your notifications and let it happen this one time. Turning off comments on Instagram is never a good look.

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29 weeks! This week I’m the size of a butternut squash. It’s a bit of an odd shaped vegetable, but I’ll take it. Mom and Dad went on a road trip this week and I learned RV life is fun. It felt like I was on a little rollercoaster for the last few days. Well enough about them let’s talk about me. This week I’m actually dreaming in here when I sleep and let me tell you baby dreams are so random. I had this dream Mom and Dad met on a TV show, like when would that happen ??‍♀️. Also my little head is getting bigger to make room for my growing brain. Expect me to be more witty week by week ? Other than that Mom has been showing me off and she tells me she’s proud of me. All the feels ❤️ Chat again next week, love you guys!

A post shared by Baby Luyendyk? (@babyluyendyk) on

Also, in case you were wondering, Lauren is 29 weeks pregnant, which means we probably have less than three months to go before baby Luyendyk is here. Buckle up, because that baby’s Instagram account is only going to get more annoying from here on out.

Images: Shutterstock; @laureneburnham / Instagram (2); @babyluyendyk / Instagram

A Rundown Of Arie And Lauren’s Wedding In Maui

This past weekend, The Bachelor‘s Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham got married. (Really thought I’d never have to spell “Luyendyk” again. Pretty mad that I do.) While some fans are annoyed that the wedding wasn’t aired on live TV, I’m sort of grateful we were spared a six-hour episode of The Bachelor on Monday night. (My liver couldn’t handle it.) And luckily, an anonymous source gave PEOPLE all the details of their wedding. So I, personally, feel like I was there and intend to judge the whole affair as though I was.

The Ceremony

We already knew they were getting married in Maui, at an old “processing factory for sugarcane” (according to Wikipedia) called Haiku Mill. If they did not write their vows in haikus, I will be simultaneously relieved and very disappointed. (“Once I met Lauren / I was like, ‘nah, Becca K’ / Then I changed my mind”.) An old processing factory doesn’t sound the most romantic, but pictures of the venue are actually pretty stunning. Very real-life fairytale, which, if Lauren’s Instagram captions are any indication, is exactly what she’s going for.

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Fairytales do come true????‍♂️. . . . . . ???? @nvmauimedia

A post shared by Lauren Luyendyk (@laureneburnham) on

PEOPLE’s coverage continues by reminding me that Arie and Lauren have a 10-year age difference, and that they only got engaged 10 months ago. (Ten. Months. Doesn’t it feel like a f*cking decade has passed?) As for the ceremony itself, PEOPLE reports that they “wrote their own vows,” and both “got choked up.” Arie’s grandparents acted as ring bearer and flower girl, which is actually pretty f*cking cute. As is PEOPLE noting that they got the “biggest laughs,” and that the grandma “really connected with everyone.” Hey, maybe his grandma can be the next Bachelorette! I’d tune in as long as they promise Arie won’t be on it.

In terms of visuals to judge, only Bachelor producer Megan Firestone dared to break what I’m sure was an ironclad no social media rule. Her post has sadly since been deleted (and she may or may not be holed up in an ABC torture chamber as we speak), but I can tell you that Lauren looks like a princess (the hair!!), and Arie and Lauren look very happy. The only suspicious things about this picture are how well-lit it is when every candid of me at a party looks like I just crawled out of the underworld how extremely not pregnant she looks. Whatever Fit Tea she’s drinking, I want it. Thankfully, we do have one Instagram of the wedding, courtesy of Rachael Wolfner, who is doing the lord’s work.


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Here’s to love and the Luyendyks! ???? Last night was so magical! Congrats @laureneburnham & @ariejr!

A post shared by Rachael Wolfner (@rachaelwolfner) on

Finally, no coverage of Arie and Lauren’s wedding would be complete if we didn’t discuss the most-cherished guest: Baby Girl Luyendyk (Jr.??) As we already knew, Arie and Lauren are expecting a baby. But if you didn’t follow their baby’s Instagram (I hate me too), you might not have known that they are expecting a baby girl! I’ll be accepting a running list of baby name guesses in the comments.

Other useful tidbits included on this Instagram include regular updates on the baby’s size (fig! plum! taco!) and cheeky details about Lauren’s personal life, like how she’s learning Dutch and plays Mozart for her baby. It feels totally weird to be making fun of someone who looks better six months pregnant than I do now, but come on. She’s writing full paragraphs in the voice of a fetus and it’s hilarious.

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Aloha friends! Today I’m 19 weeks old and the size of a mango ???? (how fitting right?) I’m so happy you all know that I’m a girl! It was such a fun week telling the world and now Mom and Dad can finally start buying me clothes 🙂 So this week a lot of stuff is going on in here. My body is covered by vernix which feels like swimming in cream cheese… weird I know but it’s good for my skin. Working on my glow for my grand appearance. I’m also growing my first little hairs on my head Mom and Dad both are picturing me blonde but you never know! Well gotta run, Mom and Dad are getting married this week and it’s hard to type with Mom moving around so much!

A post shared by Baby Luyendyk???? (@babyluyendyk) on

Here’s hoping the wedding went off without a hitch, that the couple whispers “I love that” to each other into old age, and that they have a happy, healthy blond baby! I draw the line, however, at watching a Baby Luyendyk spin-off.

Images: Giphy; People; Instagram; Instagram

BREAKING: ‘Bachelor’ Stars Arie And Lauren Are About To Be Parents

Well, well, well. Just when I was about to sit down and actually do work without Bachelor Nation interrupting with some messy f*cking drama, E! News lets it slip that Arie and Lauren B ARE PREGNANT. That’s right, people, the most hated elderly race car driver in America and the female C3P0 he chose as his bride are expecting their first child together just months before they tie the knot in January.

This pregnancy news is low-key shocking because the couple literally got engaged six months ago. And if you’re bad at math, let me just put it to you this way: this time last year, Arie was most likely engaged to Becca while Lauren B was in the development stages somewhere in the basement of an ABC studio. AND NOW THEY’RE BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD TOGETHER. First baby Bekah and now Arie and Lauren? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Like, are none of these people using condoms anymore?? Or is that against ABC’s contract these days? What. Is. The. Truth.

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Will you accept this announcement? #TheBachelor's Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham are expecting their first child! Link in bio for their story about how they found out Lauren was pregnant. (????: Griffith Imaging)

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Lauren says she “kind of had a feeling” she might be pregnant, which leads me to believe that this baby was conceived after a single glass of red wine and Arie getting carried away with his fluttering hand gestures.

She also mentions that Arie has been doing “everything” for her since they found out she’s pregnant, which is definitely the angle she going to use when she pitches their relationship to their future kid. I can’t imagine she’d use their real “How We Met” story. Like, “well, honey, daddy dumped me for another woman on national television and then slide into my DMs three months later when he was still engaged to that other woman. It was just meant to be!!”

According to E! the January wedding is still going on as planned right after Colton’s season airs, lest they start 2019 without clinging to their relevancy. Mazel tov, though!!

The article doesn’t mention the baby’s due date, which feels a little suspicious and like something they definitely sold to People.com to run when they’re low on content one month. But, if my calculations are correct, the baby will probs make its appearance right around the time Colton’s season wraps up. What fortuitous timing for them! I’m sure that wasn’t at all planned and ABC is definitely not paying them extra to go into early labor during After The Final Rose. Nope.

As far as baby names go, I already have a feeling I know exactly what they’ll name their kid. If it’s a boy, I’m sure they’ll go with Arie Luyendyk III to carry on Arie’s legacy of swallowing a woman’s mouth whole The Kissing Bandit. I can’t think of any other legacy that man could possibly pass on. And if it’s a girl, then I’m sure Lauren, being the unconventional, trendsetting woman we know and love, will want to go with something edgier, a little different. Like, Megan or Emily.  

In all seriousness we wish the couple all the best during this well-planned PR stunt very happy time in their lives! I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this the second someone else in the Bachelor franchise wants to have their five minutes of fame. Kisses! 

Images: @enews /Instagram (1); Giphy (1)

Why Does ABC Want Us To Stop Watching ‘The Bachelor’?

ABC, look what you made me do. Do you think I want to blast you on this international website? Of course not! But I don’t have a Twitter account with which to take out my anger on you, and 280 characters isn’t enough for me anyway. So here we are. And it’s time to address the age old question that has been giving me rage blackouts for a while: why do you want us to stop watching The Bachelor?

Let’s face it, The Bachelor is no longer fun TV. Everytime I watch it, it dawns on me that I’m actually in the Bad Place. But I was hopeful for this season of The Bachelor. There were so many not abominable good choices! There’s Blake, who is so sensitive he needs his mommy to comfort his cries at night. Jason, a normal guy in need of a haircut, who wouldn’t care if you forgot his name. There’s Joe, who’s too pure for this world, and Wills who, if nothing else, would keep us entertained with his fashion.

But instead you had to go and pick Colton who I CANNOT stand. And for whose lies I WILL NOT STAND. Colton has been campaigning to be the Bachelor all year. He contacted Tia when he thought she was going to be the Bachelorette. When she wasn’t, he dumped her and went on The Bachelorette. When he came in fourth, he went on Bachelor in Paradise. Like, he’s SO thirsty it makes me think he bet his friends a lot of money he’d lose his virginity this year. And apparently he and Tia broke up on Paradise last night? I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t going to sacrifice my last precious few moments of summer to watch a narrative that ABC has been shoving down my throat for five months. Colton basically DM’d himself into being The Bachelor. ABC, WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH MEDIOCRE FOOTBALL PLAYERS TERRORISTS!

I’d also like to point out that everyone is acting like Colton is such a sweetheart because he’s a virgin. Newsflash: virgins can still be conniving assholes!

And this isn’t the first time you have dared me to stop watching, ABC. It all started a few seasons ago when it was announced that Nick Viall would be the Bachelor. Nick, a man whose lisp is so chilling that when his voice airs on TV in America it sends a shiver down the spine of someone in China. I literally have PTSD from his voice. But that’s not the the only reason I hate him. Nick slut-shamed Andi on live TV after coming in second on her season and then was hailed as “sensitive” and got many, many more shots on the show. Also, who can forget those f*cking turtlenecks? Nick didn’t deserve a fourth chance on the franchise. At what point can we just call the man a fame whore and move on? We deserve better!

Then you tried to course-correct and give us someone who hadn’t graced national TV since before avocado toast was even a thing. Arie, the human equivalent of a Monday morning, was not only boring af, but it turned out he also treats women like sh*t. As we all know, Arie proposed to Becca, promising to choose her every single day. Which he did, for like three days. And then he dumped her for the most perfect robot ever to be constructed in Virginia Beach, Lauren B.

Arie Luyendyk Jr

There’s something all three of these dudes have in common. They all say they want to find love, but the second someone with bigger tits “better” comes along, they just can’t commit. So noble! The Bachelor used to at least PRETEND to be genuine about a man wanting to find love, and now it’s about the f*ckboy you met on Tinder getting his chance at reality TV fame. Let’s call this show what it is, The Bachelor: Give a Douche a Chance. Do better, ABC, or me and my three friends I can convince to show up every goddamn Monday for nine months of the year are OUT.

Images: Giphy (2)

Arie And Lauren Are Trying To Steal Becca’s Spotlight Again

In case you were ready for Arie Luyendyk Jr. and the advanced humanoid ABC hand-crafted in the Bachelor studio last season posing as his fiancée to finally fade into obscurity where they rightfully belong, think again! Because Arie and Lauren just announced their wedding date and location, officially bouncing back into the spotlight mere days before Becca’s season of The Bachelorette premieres. What fortuitous timing for them! Now, I’m not saying that Arie and Lauren were trying to steal Becca’s thunder by literally throwing their wedding in her face during a time that’s supposed to be all about HER and HER love story, but I’m also not not saying that Arie would miss an opportunity to fuck over his ex one last time. Ya know?

Sooo not only did he embarrass her on national TV and take that giant engagement ring back, but now he’s got rain on her parade less than one week before she DOES THE DAMN THING? And to those of you who are doubting if the timing of this announcement was, in fact, intentional, that’s like, so cute of you to think. Seriously, bless your heart. But you don’t think this announcement could have waited literally one more week? Like, if Arie and Lauren are soooo happy in their condo in Arizona, maybe they could have given Becca at least one week where the world isn’t talking about how happy her ex is. I mean, has the girl not suffered enough? Judging by that heinous lace blazer she wore in her latest promo, she’s been having a tough time of it. LET THE GIRL LIVE, ARIE! 

One more time for the people in back: YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE!

People reports that the happy couple are planning to get married in Hawaii on January 12th of next year. And, like, why you gotta do this to Hawaii? First, they’ve got to deal with Kilauea erupting and swallowing up their homes, and then as if that wasn’t enough, the world’s worst Bachelor of all time is going to bring his cardboard cutout bride there to desecrate the beautiful state some more with their limited vocabulary and backstabbing ways?

Sidenote: People, you’re embarrassing yourself rn. WHERE is your journalistic integrity? First, you decide to reward Ashley I and her eyelash extensions by releasing her 8th grade diary “The Story of Us” vlog where she humble brags about finally getting a boyfriend, and now this? What’s next? An in-depth look at the creative genius behind “Bitch, I’m Bella Thorne”?

#BITCHIMBELLATHORNE IS OUT NOW ???? when I rap is only time I spit

A post shared by BELLA (@bellathorne) on


Anyway, back to the wedding announcement that literally no one asked for. In an interview with The View, Arie said this about his upcoming nuptials:

“It’s in Maui — it’s at Haiku Mill which has this beautiful, old world feel with a lot of vines and greenery… It’s not your typical beach wedding. And it’s a private wedding, so not on TV — just a close group of friends. Probably 100 guests.”

Lol so it’s a private wedding and yet Arie announces on live fucking television the exact coordinates to the venue? I’m also assuming that the 100 or so “close group of friends” invited to the wedding include Arie and Lauren’s Instagram endorsement reps, beloved producers, a People magazine reporter, and most popular Bachelor cast mates. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Arie.

Also, I do not for one fucking second think this wedding will be anything but a typical beach wedding. For one, it’s in Hawaii, which as far as destination weddings go, is about as unique as Lauren’s vocabulary. Then there’s the fact that the couple getting married are Arie and Lauren, two people whose idea of a good time involves spending an evening watching their own Instagram stories and murmuring “love it” to each other from across the room. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be dazzled by the ceremony.

Well, fam, that’s all I have to report for now. We still have four whole days until Becca is set to have her moment in the sun, so I’m sure at least three more former Bachelor contestants will come forward to compete for her limelight. Fingers crossed Dean comes through to break my heart one more goddamn time!

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (2); bellathorne /Instagram (1)

Arie And Lauren Say ‘I Love That’ To A New House

It’s been less than two months since The Bachelor finale made us all want to punch our TVs, but it appears things are going well for Arie and Lauren, the least interesting couple in the history of relationships. They haven’t broken up yet, which is only mildly surprising, and this week they announced that they bought a house together in Arizona. Yay, wow, I’m so excited for them, what a wonderful couple. Ugh. When does Becca K’s season of The Bachelorette start?

I’m pretty sure you don’t need a refresher on what a douchebag Arie Luyendyk Jr. is, but let me quickly reiterate: he really fucking sucks. Nevertheless, Lauren, our favorite wooden doll, agreed to marry the pool noodle of a man who dumped her on national television (and then changed his mind). She has since moved across the country for him, and now they’ve invested in property together. Not to be cynical, but I feel strongly that every Bachelor couple should be together for a full year before making any major financial decisions together. Like, I’m sure they’re very in love, but we saw how that turned out with Nick and Vanessa, and pretty much ever other Bachelor couple for the past 15 years. Why do I watch this show again?

Gezellig ????

A post shared by Arie Luyendyk ???? (@ariejr) on

Like any good C-list couple, Arie and Lauren announced their exciting real estate news in an Us Weekly exclusive, because it’s all about earning that coin. They decided on the house after seeing almost 70 properties. Wow, Lauren is surprisingly picky about houses, considering that she apparently has literally no deal-breakers when it comes to choosing a man. The house is brand new, probably because when asked about the prospect of doing a remodel, Arie said, “Lauren was completely overwhelmed.” I mean, of course she was. That would’ve required her saying, like, words to contractors. Scary shit. Just imagine these two touring a house together:

Real estate agent: These counters are premium marble, imported from Tuscany.
Lauren: I love that.
Real estate agent: The master bathroom has a jacuzzi big enough for two.
Arie: Wow.
Real estate agent: This picture window has stunning views of the mountains in the distance.
Lauren: Oh. Pretty.

The house they settled on is 2,600 square feet, which is plenty of space for them to avoid each other at all times. Lauren sounds like she’s mainly excited about the house because it has space for the dogs. “Our dogs are very excited. They are each going to have their own room … I mean it does have four bedrooms.” I can’t tell if she’s being serious (I don’t get the sense that she’s downloaded the sarcasm expansion pack yet), but it’s extreme 2018 nonsense to give your dogs two separate bedrooms.

In the interview, Lauren also talks about her big move from Virginia Beach to Phoenix to be with Arie. She says it’s been a really easy adjustment for her, but I’m not buying it. Lauren is like that new girl in 10th grade who was in three of your classes but never said a word. Do you even remember that girl’s name? Elizabeth? Emily? Exactly. Lauren says she’s been “making friends,” but unless these friends are also only capable of speaking the words “wow” and “I love that”, I have a hard time believing she’s making a big social splash in Phoenix.

Anyway, Lauren says that “It has been fun exploring the area and Arie is a really good tour guide, so that helps.” Yikes, that sounds bleak. I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to explore Phoenix, Arizona with fucking Arie Luyendyk Jr. as my tour guide. I’ll do the self-guided tour, thanks. Since moving, Lauren has started real estate school, so someday she’ll be able to sell homes with all the charisma of an index card.

I’m happy for her, truly. Hopefully we won’t have to hear much from Arie and Lauren until the inevitable awful wedding, because they’ll be so busy not talking to each other in their shiny new house. Works for me, because I’ll be busy watching the new trash Bachelor spin-off.

Images: @ariejr / Instagram; Giphy

The Complete Biography Of Lauren Burnham

This season on The Bachelor, we watched as Arie Luyendyk Jr. fell in love with Lauren Burnham, a technology salesperson from Virginia Beach. Their deep, emotional connection couldn’t be denied, but we never got to learn too much about Lauren’s past. She’s a woman of few words, but today we’re excited to bring you her origin story, like it’s never been told before. This harrowing, completely true story will make you ponder the very meaning of life, in a way only Lauren could. This is Lauren Burnham: The Complete Biography.

The year was 2011. A dorm room. The newest prototype in a long line of cyborg robots awakened for the first time. Her highlights were perfect, her manicure pristine. She was Lauren Burnham and, much like Jesus Christ, she had risen. With a face that was simply a copy-and-paste job of every hot white blonde girl who came before her, she was ready. As Lauren crawled out of bed for the first time, it took her a few minutes to stand confidently on her mechanically engineered legs. She wasn’t used to the feeling of being human, or to feeling anything at all. This lack of deep feelings would never truly go away.

The room was sparse, with nothing but a closet full of flowy tops, a curling iron with which to make barrel curls, and a desk with a folder on top. Lauren opened the folder, and inside she found all the details of a fully-formed human life. Volunteer experience at a food bank and a Christian outreach center. A high school boyfriend to whom she was briefly engaged. A second-degree black belt in tae kwon do. Lauren memorized all the information, but quickly forgot most of it. She would spend the next seven years mostly dodging questions about her past, instead choosing to change the subject with interesting conversation starters like “this is so cute” and “it’s so quiet” and “wow”.

Lauren Burnham spent the first four years of her existence at Old Dominion University in Virginia, where she mysteriously made friends, despite her aversion to speaking words or doing anything interesting. She earned her degree in psychology, which came easily to her since all she had to do was download the DSM-5 to her internal hard drive. She was fun and carefree during the days, before returning back to her room to charge her batteries. Each night she slept for 9.5 hours, the amount of time required for a full charge. Lauren tried to pull all-nighters a few times, but someone would always find her lying lifeless on the quad and panic.

Following her graduation, cyborg Lauren entered the real world. She worked at a Michael Kors store, started a home staging business (whatever that is), and dabbled in marketing, but she hadn’t yet discovered what she was really sent here to do. She voted for Trump, sensing that he was the right choice for a robot just trying to get ahead in this world. For about a year, she dated a professional hockey player, Christopher Crane, and they were also engaged (her second failed engagement). In the end, Lauren just didn’t have the depth of emotion to fulfill Christopher, so she moved on.

She moved to Dallas, got a job in sales at Vonage, and became the Lauren we know and barely tolerate today. As her robotic system matured, she got even blonder, started saying even less words, and was finally ready to fulfill her true purpose in this world: winning The Bachelor. After getting selected for the show, all she had to do was refresh her vocabulary of pre-loaded phrases, and she was good to go. Really, all Lauren had to do to win Arie’s heart was be blonde, and that was one thing she could certainly do. This was what Lauren was made for, what she was designed to do, and there was no way she would fail.

Now that Lauren has fulfilled her destiny and won the heart of Arie Luyendyk Jr., there’s no telling what her next mission will be. Maybe she’ll focus on world domination, or maybe she’ll just try to learn another 12 words. Either way, her Bachelor victory is truly a testament to how far A.I. technology has come in the past few years, and we can’t wait to see what’s next.

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