Ronnie Ortiz-Magro Somehow Avoids Felony Charges In Domestic Violence Case

Someone call Sammi Sweetheart, because Rahn needs to stahp. Just kidding, I would never wish that on Sammi, she needs to stay far away from the bad man. She actually turned down joining Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, where she’d probably be making roughly $80,000 per episode just because she didn’t want to deal with Ronnie, and apparently with good reason. Earlier this month, Ronnie was being a loving, caring partner, father, and role model, as per usual. Oh wait, just kidding. He allegedly hit Jen Harley, threatened to kill her, chased her around with a knife, then barricaded himself in their Airbnb with his infant daughter while Jen ran to the neighbors for help. He then resisted the police, threatened the police, had to be tased, and was arrested.

Insanely enough, this is very on-brand for Ron and Jen, who brought in the New Year by Jen throwing an ashtray at Ron’s face. They also had several pretend burglaries, Jen gave Ron a black eye, and also ran Ron over with her car.

Ron was originally arrested for kidnapping, which sounds about right, considering he locked his baby in the house with him after brandishing a knife (allegedly) and refusing to come out for the police. I listen to true crime podcasts, I know how the law works. But now he’s been hit with five misdemeanor charges: domestic violence, brandishing a weapon, child endangerment, resisting arrest, and criminal threats. Which is actually positive for him since he didn’t get a felony. This is the bar we’re setting now. I’m sorry, when is it enough? Ron has always been a loose cannon and completely aggressive and violent, but he continues to outdo himself. Remember when he destroyed all of Sammi’s things after HE cheated?

That was absolutely nothing compared to how bad he is now. There is security footage of Jen trying to hide from him, even checking the neighbor’s car trunk to hide in with her baby. This is just completely sick and horrible. Ron claims that there was no knife involved, but even without a knife, the situation is really f*cking bad. Jen says Ron lost his mind after doing a ton of coke, which she’s said about him before, but also he’s supposedly sober now. But also, that’s not an excuse?? I mean, when I do coke I tell a bunch of long-winded stories, I don’t kidnap babies and threaten my loved ones.

Ronnie’s attorney told E! News, “The facts and circumstances around Ronnie’s arrest have been misreported and exaggerated, like we mentioned in the past. We are happy the District Attorney’s refused to file any charges and we look forward to addressing this matter with City Attorney; until then, we will make no further comment.”

Jen’s attorney, meanwhile, told E! News, “Everyone acknowledges she was the victim. We don’t contest with what the authorities have done with the charges. We believe her injuries were serious, and could have easily a felony, but the charges he is currently facing shows that the authorities agree that she was the victim of a crime. Her injuries are significant. I don’t think the change in the charges is going to effect the restraining orders she has against him (in LA and Vegas).”

Let’s really just hope this is the end of this story, because nothing good can come of Ronnie and Jen staying together.

If you or someone you love is involved in a potentially violent domestic situation contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or online here.

Images: Shutterstock.com

The Situation Got Released From Prison

The Jersey Shore family is finally complete again, as Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino was released from prison this morning. His release comes at the end of an eight-month sentence for tax evasion, which he began serving in January. Many of his Jersey Shore castmates were on hand for the release, which will conveniently be a storyline on an upcoming season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.

The Situation was released at 8:30 this morning, and per TMZ, he and his wife wasted no time making a statement to the press. “We are elated to finally close this chapter of our life. Thank you to our family, friends and fans for the continuous love and support during this time, it brought us so much peace and comfort. We look forward to continuing our life as husband and wife and working on baby situations!”

Wow, I love a post-prison statement. I especially like the referent to “this chapter of our life,” as though Mike was just gone on an especially long business trip or something. I’m also chilled to the bone by the thought of baby Situations running around, but I expect that his wife Lauren will be pregnant by the time I finish writing this sentence.

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Funfetti cake for everyone because The Situation just got the G-T-HELL out of prison. Link in bio for this morning's big release. (?: @anthony.serrantonio)

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We don’t yet have any footage of The Situation post-prison, and we don’t know exactly which Jersey Shore people were there, but TMZ’s sources said that most of the cast took flights on Wednesday to be there.

Even though The Situation isn’t behind bars anymore, this is far from the end of his legal journey. He’ll spend the next two years under supervised probation, and is also expected to complete 500 hours of community service. I look forward to the next season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, which will hopefully include lots of footage of Mike wearing a neon vest while picking up trash on the side of the Jersey Turnpike. Truly giving a new meaning to trash TV, and I’m here for it.

Regardless of Mike’s probation situation, it seems like he’s doing a lot better than Joe Giudice, another Jersey reality star who spent time behind bars.  Joe, the husband of RHONJ star Teresa Giudice, was released from prison this spring, and has remained in custody while fighting his expected deportation to Italy. This week, there were new reports that his fight is about to come to an end, as a final decision about his deportation will be made very soon. Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of Jersey reality TV to watch in the next few months, because I’m not about to miss any of this drama.

Images: enews / Instagram; Giphy

Photoshop Fail Of The Week: Angelina’s Sucked At Photoshop For A Long Time

Okay, you need to read the title in the same, chant-like fashion that the gang kept saying last season: ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. It’s a super funny title and I sat here for like five minutes chanting (and clapping? for some reason) to make it Photoshop-related and still make sense. Please appreciate my efforts.

In this week’s episode of my desperate attempt to show you that celebrities/influencers all lie all over social media (and also regular media), I bring you Angelina from the American classic Jersey Shore. Hopefully these articles help you realize how full 0f sh*t everyone is, and that even celebrities don’t look like celebrities without the makeup, editing, surgery, etc. So, here we go with this week’s Photoshop fail. Angelina posted this pic last week.

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She loves to love ? #beyou #happiness #lovelife #likenoother #likenoplaceonearth #serendipity #serenity #love #vacation #muchneeded

A post shared by AnGeLiNa MARiE ™ (@angelinamtv) on

First of all, I love her romper. It’s cute af and I want it, which makes me slightly ashamed because when I was in college, we had Jersey Shore themed parties where we’d dress like the cast as a joke. Now I actually like Angelina’s style? WHAT has happened?

Secondly, she did something very bad to this picture. Can you see it what it is?

If you’ve read my articles, you know the NUMBER ONE GIVEAWAY OF AN EDITING APP IS WAVY F*CKING LINES. And actually, I didn’t line them, but even the columns to the right are warped! This is why you should always check the backgrounds. See also: be happy with your body and don’t f*cking do it in the first place.

I mean. REALLY? This is sooooooooo poorly done, it’s actually crazy. Angelina, a real person, looked at this and went, “Yes. Cute.” She pushed all the lines around to make her waist and legs look thinner. In the process, she gave herself HORRIBLE bowlegs. Like what? Her left leg looks like it’s going to snap in half?

I’m not a doctor, but pretty sure that ankle would be broken?

Also. Sidenote. Those shoes don’t fit. Her toes are literally hanging out of them. Seriously, walking around like that, you would probably break an ankle for real.

What’s weird to me is that I’ve seen Angelina IRL, and honestly, she’s pretty thin. Like, why is nothing thin enough for you people? I’m sure that romper was perfectly flattering. Can’t you just leave this sh*t alone? Angelina, the woman who publicly shat her pants in a cab and announced it on TV without shame, is too embarrassed to post a pic of her real size. Which is still thin. This is what’s so crazy to me. It’s like, all these celebrities edit their photos just to look as thin as each other, when it’s all lies. Can I petition for a mass movement where everyone deletes their editing apps and stops Photoshopping themselves?

Or for the love of God, at least fix the background. I was gonna say, hasn’t Angelina taken a basic perspective class and/or anatomy class and can see how wrong this picture is? But I guess most people don’t learn those subjects. Also, I would be really surprised, like genuinely shocked, if Angelina was literate. Like, at a third grade level, even.

So to recap, children, Angelina is a super thin celeb who has already had a TON. A TON. of surgery. And she still feels the the need to pretend to be even thinner for social media. I hope this shows you why you should never compare yourself to anyone, whether it be reality stars, actors, singers, influencers, or models. They are ALL edited, ALL Photoshopped, ALL full of sh*t. The thinnest, most beautiful women in the world still somehow edit their photos (and get surgery). Comparing yourself to these images is like being mad that you don’t have Jack Skellington’s body type. They are fiction.

I also want to be clear, I actually love Photoshop. It’s my favorite software to use. I usually use it for drawing and painting, and I have brushes that simulate my real ones in my real life. But even photo editing has its uses. Using it for red eye, bad lighting, acne at an important event, getting rid of weird background stuff, I am all for. In fact, someone I know just got married and had horrible, HORRIBLE tan lines in her wedding photos. I mean, it’s distracting. Like hi, plan your bathing suit to your wedding dress. But let me tell you, if I was the photo editor, that would be something I would 100% have fixed and smoothed out to make it less noticeable.

My point is, Photoshop and editing have their uses. But please don’t use them to completely warp your face and body. It just perpetuates this idea that we all need to look like stick figure blow-up dolls with giant breasts and giant asses and tiny waists. Hopefully from these articles, you see that no one really looks like this.

For some reason, Angelina thinks women should look like this:

 

She’s sad because her bowlegs can’t hold up her giant boobs. (You are WELCOME for the original artwork. Can you tell I have a $200k art degree?)

Now chant it with me, everyone: ANGELINA’S-SUCKED-AT-PHOTOSHOP-FOR-A-LONG-TIME!

Send me any bad edits you find, I LOVE seeing your guys’ suggestions!

Images: Instagram @angelinamtv; Giphy; Holly Hammond, Super Serious, Professional, and Talented Artiste

Snooki’s Third Baby Is Finally Here

Yesterday, we were all eagerly awaiting Arie and Lauren’s baby, but there was another new arrival being delivered into the world of reality TV. This morning, Snooki revealed that she has given birth to her third baby, thoroughly stealing the spotlight from the Luyendyk’s. Sorry Arie, but I didn’t get a breaking news notification on my phone when you announced your baby. Who knows, maybe Angelo and Alessi will be friends someday, stranger things have happened.

Snooki first announced her latest pregnancy back in November, and shared that the baby was a boy in December. She joins a group of recent celebrity pregnancies that seemed like they went on forever, including Meghan Markle, Amy Schumer, and obviously Lauren Burnham. But now Snooks can finally put away her maternity swimsuits, because her little baby is here:

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Angelo James LaValle 7.5 lbs ?

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Snooki announced the arrival of baby #3 via a People exclusive, where she confirmed that she gave birth at 2:30am on May 30. I respect the dedication to having the People exclusive posted less than 12 hours after your middle of the night delivery. In the article, Snooki said that her new son Angelo looks just like her oldest, Lorenzo, did when he was a baby. She also shared that her Jersey Shore castmate Deena sent over some thoughtful gifts, including a blanket that says Angelo about 100 times. It’s not my personal taste, but I’m sure the baby will love it.

Check out our interview with Snooki from last month on the When’s Happy Hour podcast, where she talks about how she balances being a mom with running successful businesses:

Having a third baby in the mix will definitely make things a bit more challenging, but it seems like Snooki has a good system in place. In the interview with People, she said that she and Jionni “can’t wait to see how being outnumbered turns out,” so hopefully we can look forward to some more Snooki shenanigans on the upcoming third season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. 

Congratulations to Snooki and Jionni, and all the best wishes for their new family addition!

Images: Snooki / Instagram

Pauly D And Vinny’s New Dating Show Looks Like A Beautiful Mess

For the past couple of years, pop culture has been riding a major nostalgia wave, for better or for worse. Certain reboots have made us cringe, but we’ve also been gifted with some instant classics. Case in point: Jersey Shore Family VacationI had my doubts when MTV originally announced they were bringing the Jersey crew back together after nearly a decade, but our favorite BFFs like Snooki and J Woww or Pauly D and Vinny are still the perfect amount of crazy for reality TV.

While many of the Jersey Shore favs are married and/or raising kids, my sweet angels Pauly D and Vinny haven’t settled down yet. Thankfully, the MTV producers gods heard my prayers, and are blessing us with a dating show starring the world’s best DJ and the Keto Guido. A Double Shot At Love is coming back, and I already know it’s going to be better than ever. Today, MTV released a teaser promo for A Double Shot At Love, along with all 20 0f the contestants on the show. Watch the video first, and then we 100% need to talk about some of the women competing, because they seem like characters.

If you don’t feel like watching the video, it’s basically 30 seconds of Pauly D and Vinny playing with baby chicks, and joking about being done with chicks and wanting real love. It’s a dumb video concept, but it’s so cheesy and cute that I really can’t complain. I would’ve preferred some actual footage from the show, but I’ll live. Honestly, I really should be ashamed of how much I love these two. I’ve met Vinny IRL and he is just as sweet and charming as he comes across here. Why did I not apply to be on this show? Probably because I’m a gay man, but I’m still a little bitter.

So where do I even begin with these 20 lovely ladies competing for Pauly and Vinny’s love? Let’s start with some basics.

– Eight of the women are from New Jersey or New York, which seems fitting.

– There’s a “Brittani” and a “Brittnay,” so I can’t wait to see those two argue over which misspelling of “Britney/Brittany” is more correct.

– All of the women are between 22 and 33, except for Deseree, who is 37. Sorry Deseree, but you’re going home on the first night. That’s just how this works.

– Apparently for their photoshoot, each woman was given a $30 Fashion Nova gift card and told to choose her favorite bodycon dress. Once you take a look at the cast photos, you’ll see what I mean!

I have neither the time nor the energy to go through and roast all 20 of these brilliant casting finds, but I’ll pick a selected few to make some comments. Let’s start with Brittani, whose nickname is “B-lashes” according to the press release. I’m proud of Britt for ignoring the bodycon trend, and instead showing up in her best Lisa Vanderpump cosplay. Great work. This is what J-Woww would look like if she got a job selling insurance.

Next, let’s talk about Cate, who is from Staten Island, but that should be obvious from literally everything about her photo. I’m all for a good leopard print moment, but this dress really should’ve been left in 2004. The slicked-back sides look is probably my least favorite hairstyle ever (all the Real Housewives love it, and I simply do not understand), and I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a Bump-it. At least Cate toned things done with natural-looking amounts of eye makeup and bronzer. LOL.

This was truly a tough choice, but I think my favorite look out of the bunch is Alli, who seemingly forgot that you’re supposed to wear a dress over your Spanx and not just wear your shapewear out. She looks great in that dress, but the dress itself looks like a condom. I’m placing my bets now that Vinny and Pauly will both be all over Alli, because she seems to exude the right mix of confidence and willingness to take shots at a moment’s notice.

A Double Shot At Love premieres on April 11 on MTV, and I can’t wait to see how much more ridiculous this bunch of women get once they start to speak. Considering that the ladies on The Bachelor can barely form intelligent sentences, I might have to watch this show on mute. Regardless, Pauly D and Vinny, please feel free to slide into my DMs any time.

Images: MTV / YouTube; MTV (3)

JWoww Accuses Roger Of Abuse In A Shocking Open Letter

We’ve known since the summer that JWoww is getting a divorce, but things just keep getting messier. In December, we learned that she got a restraining order against her husband, Roger Mathews. At the time, details were scarce about the reasons behind the split, but Roger has always claimed he’s a good husband and father. His main form of evidence is a sh*tload of Instagram videos that he’s made of his life, because we all know that everything on social media is true. But now we have a lot more information, because JWoww posted an open letter to Roger on Wednesday, and it’s explosive.

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Statement is too long for Instagram. Link in bio. JenniFarley.com

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JWoww posted a snippet of the letter on her Instagram, but directed her followers to her website to read the full thing. That’s because the statement is 2,300 words long, and there is a lot happening. If 2,300 words doesn’t sound that long to you, just know that you’re approximately 150 words into this article, and your attention span is probably already running out. The statement is also in all caps, and the entire thing is center-aligned, so it looks like a block of text that would be on the inside of the Lincoln Memorial. If you’re having trouble visualizing, here’s a snippet.

THE ALTERED PERCEPTIONS YOU HAVE CREATED FOR YOURSELF ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS TRULY STAGGERING. YOUR POSTINGS ARE CONSUMED WITH INACCURACIES, FALSE STATEMENTS, SELF-SERVING COMMENTS, OUTRIGHT MISREPRESENTATIONS AND BLATANT LIES. WHAT IS YOUR ACTUAL TRUTH? WHAT IS YOUR REALITY?

So picture that, but for literally eight pages of text. In the letter, JWoww goes into excruciating detail about her husband’s allegedly abusive behavior, and how he has used social media to manipulate public perception of his relationship with her and their two kids. In one especially rough part, she alleges that he fed their son Greyson pizza, despite him being highly allergic to both gluten and dairy. She says, “When I asked you about the food situation, you chose to berate me instead of acknowledging that Greyson’s health is of paramount concern.” As much as I love pizza, that’s pretty f*cked up if it’s true. She also accuses Roger of not letting Greyson’s therapist into their house, so she stood on the front porch for 30 minutes in the freezing cold. Messed up.

In the letter, Jenni says that Roger has purposely contacted abusive exes from her past, all in an effort to make her feel unsafe. She also alleges he’s been physically abusive to her: “You have spit at me. You have pushed me. You have shoved me. You have aggressively thrown me to the ground. You have prevented me from closing doors to escape having you coming at me.” That all sounds horrible, and I can’t imagine what how it’s been for her living through it.

Near the end of the letter, Jenni takes the opportunity to help other people in abusive relationships, linking to a guide that her divorce lawyer has set up. Whether or not you agree with her decision to publicize her relationship like this, it’s important that she’s using her platform to help others in similar situations. She ends the letter with this sentiment that I think we could all use.

YOU ARE VALUABLE, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE LOVED.

Leaving an abusive relationship is both difficult and dangerous, so I’m glad Jenni is getting out. Luckily, the ladies of Jersey Shore are always there for each other, and they offered their love and support in the comments section of her post:

Even though the Jersey Shore ladies have gotten into plenty of arguments on national television, they really do have amazing friendships with each other. It’s good to know that Jenni has these positive relationships in her life, because I’m sure she really needs them right now. With all of this going on, I hope JWoww and her kids are okay and that they can get past all of this.

If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, call the Loveisrespect hotline at 1-866-331-9474, text loveis to 22522, or visit loveisrespect.org.

Images: Shutterstock; @jwoww / Instagram (2)

Ronnie And Jen Are Starting The New Year With New Assault Charges

Happy 2019, everybody! While some people might set resolutions to lose weight or stop sh*t-talking their boss on gchat, the worst people to ever come out of the great state of NJ, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Jen Harley, decided to start their new year with new assault charges. That’s right, everyone’s favorite walking felonies are having a doozy of a 2019 so far, and it feels like a roller coaster ride. But not like, a fun roller coaster. Like the roller coaster you wait on line for for 4 hours, then goes upside down more times than you expected, and instead of it being awesome you throw up on your crush next to you. (Not that that’s ever happened to me, right SIX FLAGS?!). Since it’s such a wild ride, I’m here to breakdown WTF is going on with Ronnie and Jen. But please know that by the time this article is published, they could have already gotten back together and conceived another oops baby.

Let’s begin our beautiful tale on New Year’s Eve. While I was insisting that people take pictures of me with “my date,” aka a stranger’s Westie named Toby at the all-couples party I attended, Ronnie and Jen were out finding new ways to make a nine-month-old baby learn the meaning of shame. According to E!, “they got in a huge fight and she threw something at his head.” Please make a mental note, as this will play into the story later. The article doesn’t say if their daughter Ariana Sky was present for this fight, but I can only imagine she was, because Ronnie will want a witness to testify on his behalf. Even if he has to subpoena her.

She certainly can throw things, huh?

Next, TMZ reported that Ronnie is a person of interest in an alleged burglary at Jen’s house. Apparently Jen returned home after their altercation to find that her house had been ransacked, and the flat screen TV was smashed. Oh no! How will they watch themselves verbally abuse each other on Thursday nights? Tbh I’m a little suspicious of this break-in, considering Jen called Ronnie saying she had been burglarized earlier this season on Jersey Shore. How many fake times can one person’s house be broken into before they learn to dump their toxic relationship lock their doors?!

And finally, last night, People reported that Ronnie filed a police report alleging that Jen threw an ashtray at his head. She was mad about something she saw on his phone (obviously some other girl’s nudes), lunged at him, and as he left, she threw an ashtray that busted his nose and lip. And of course, this all happened at a strip club! This location reveal doesn’t change my earlier assertion that Ariana was there, because these are the kind of people that would definitely bring their baby to a strip club.  Teach ‘em early! But seriously, who would start their year off at a strip club? You have a small child! Just order Postmates and stay in with your kid! If Ronnie really didn’t want to start a fight, perhaps they should have had a family-friendly dinner at IHOP instead. At the very least they probably have less ashtrays there.

There you have it! It looks like 2019 is already looking bleak for the Ortiz-Magro-Harley clan. But hey, I’m sure 2020 will be Ronnie and Jen’s year!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Finale Recap: Did Jenn Fake A Robbery?

Hello all, it is officially our LAST Jerzday for a while because it is the Jersey Shore Family Vacation FINALE. This season has gone on so long, I can’t even believe it. What did I used to do on Thursdays? Did I have hopes, dreams perhaps? Did I have friends? I will find out next week when I’m no longer enslaved to MTV.

I wonder if this season has gone on so long because pretty much nothing interesting has happened. We open this episode in the middle of a crazy-ass fight between that one Fat Shamer guy that told Ronnie he has more money than him and his stripper girlfriend who hates Angelina. It’s like producers were like, “Oh finally, something happened! We can end the show now!”

Angelina is trying to attack the other girl, Jenni threw a drink on her, there is screaming, chairs being thrown, pregnant Deena ran away, it is total chaos. The stripper and the guy are outside of the bar after security moved them out and the girl starts attacking the guy! Ronnie is like, “oh I totally would have punched him, oh well,” as the guy’s own gf punched him in the face.

Ron: She had a great right hook!

Snooki is so pleased with herself, she’s like stuffing her face with chips and is like, “We can still throw down, don’t f*ck with us.” Pretty sure she hid behind Jenni for the whole fight but okay. Ronnie is also patting himself on the back for doing nothing, in fact he compares himself to Moses.

Ron: Yeah, everyone just followed me outside.
Snooki: Didn’t Moses break the water?
Ron: I’m very religious.
Angelina: Moses had all the animals on the boat.
Ron: That was Noah.
Angelina: Nicole, Moses wasn’t the one with the animals, he’s the one with the-
Snooki: That’s Adam and Eve.
Ron: Moses parted the Red Sea, but I’m 95% sure that Jesus came first. Well Adam and Eve came, then Jesus-
Snooki: I love Jesus.

This has been Bible Study, Jerzday edition. I just lost a few brain cells. Vinny has had enough. It’s 4am and the Spiral Squad has irritated him to the point of getting out of bed.

Angelina: Adam and Eve banged to make more people, then Moses parted the sea, so Noah built the ark for animals, and Jesus rode on the boat.

Oh my God, you think this can’t get any dumber, but this is when Snooki informs Ang that Jesus flew in. Probably on Spirit Airlines, according to Ron. Oh hey, I just got that. Angelina is now describing how she loves to use the bathroom on airplanes and she’s pretty sure that her, um, excrement, flies off the plane and hits pedestrians in the face. I swear to God, I’m getting dumber watching this show. RIP to my last two brain cells. It’s been nice knowing ya.

“The gang is going to some kind of blood foundation fundraiser thing with Deena and her family since her dad died of leukemia. They’re all like, “what a perfect end to our trip,” and I’m over here like, “huh that sounds super f*cking boring to watch.” I’m all for charity but like, they could have done this on their own time. I want to watch them get hammered and fight—that’s all I expect from these people.

They’re all talking about who’s coming to the charity event and it leads to how Angelina’s sex life is garbage, which naturally leads to chanting “Angelina Hasn’t Gotten Plowed In A Long Time” in a cult-like fashion. This causes Vinny to get all riled up and he jumps on top of Angelina and begins to hump her. Wtf, Vinny, this might be why she thinks you want to f*ck her. Someone hose him off! He’s like one of my mom’s Yorkies. Calm yourself, man!

Ang is concerned the roommates will sing their fun new song to Chris (aka Thumb Thumb), but like, maybe don’t sh*t on your sex life to other people (and hi, on TV) if you don’t want it to get back to him?

Ronnie gets on his phone and rushes outside. What happened now? Who did Jen f*ck? Oh sh*t, Jen was robbed. I also learned via subtitles saying that Jen is on the phone that Jen is really “Jenn”. Of course that’s how she spells it. Okay, sorry, I won’t make fun of her rn, she was robbed!

Some guy came in through the back door while she and the baby were home and ransacked the place. That is soooo scary. This is why people need dogs. Well like, one of a million reasons. It’s like, reason one: cute, reason two: cuddly, reason three: break-ins.

Pauly thinks Jen, sorry, JENN is lying to talk to Ronnie. Jenn is staying in the house despite the break-in and Ron is like, “that makes no sense,” which fair point. Then Ron says that Jenn found a bag of bullets in the backyard? Ooookay, that is sounding pretty fake. Why would the robber just leave those? Also don’t most robbers watch the house first? Like, they know if someone is home. I watch a lot of true crime, I’m basically an expert here. So we have to ask ourselves: is Jenn that crazy? And you know what? She totally is!

Mike: I’m befuddled if that’s a word.

It’s totally a word. I’m mildly impressed he knows that. Okay wait. Here’s the tea. So Jenn moved out of Ronnie’s house. Then a DAY LATER she gets robbed at her house. The robber left a box of bullets on the Jacuzzi. Is he the worst robber ever? This house has been abandoned for months, and now is the time to rob it, when they’re clearly back living in it? So Ronnie told Jen to please go back to his house so she’s *safe*.

Vinny is like, “I don’t want to be insensitive, but it sounds weird,” and Pauly shuts that down and is like, “none of this sh*t happened, it’s a big fat lie, Jenn’s a lying liar.” And Vin is all, “oh cool, I didn’t have to say it.” And Pauly’s like, “no robber would leave a box of bullets, like I rob houses for a living.” The girls want to know what was taken. Apparently all that is stolen is a phone and a laptop. To which they’re like, “why would anyone break into a house to steal a phone?” Solid point. Also phones can be tracked.

The guys think this is so on brand for Jenn that they can’t even react seriously about it and are more concerned with whether Ron wants to come with them for a haircut. This doesn’t even make the list of Jenn’s Greatest Hits, which according to the guys, are as follows:

The girls think it either is a complete lie or she had one of her friends do it. It’s only a matter of time before Ron gets sucked back into this sham of a relationship.

Vin: There was Taken 1. Then Taken 2. Then Taken 3. Now there is… Taken Ronnie.

Ronnie thinks the robbers stole her phone so she couldn’t call for help… but that’s like, the only thing they took. Deena tells him his life is a bad movie, and Ron is like, “no, it’s a television show. “Then he breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera. I don’t appreciate Ron looking at me, make him stop it. And Deena is like, “NO RON, it’s a BAD movie.”

The guys go to lunch with Ron and try to tell him that this robbery is clearly a lie. Mike tells him it’s just very unlikely to have a home invasion and get run over by a car in the same month. I don’t know the stats on that, but I cannot believe this has only been a month in Jersey time. So we’ve seen like their every waking moment then for a month for this season? Pauly straight-up tells him that this a story “conjured up”. Ronnie is like, “Jenn wouldn’t do that.”

Anyone who’s witnessed even 10 seconds of Jenn’s actions:

Are you serious

Vinny: I dated this girl who had asthma and every time I tried to break up with her she’d give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.

I feel personally attacked rn. Ronnie doesn’t think she’d make that up with the baby around, but I think that’s all the more reason she would do it. She’s holding it over him to really freak him out and make him obsess over her and the baby.

Deena thinks if it was her, she would immediately fly home and make sure her kid is okay, which like, good point. But also this is Jenn’s plan! Like in normal circumstances, that is 100% what he should do, but she is doing this to get him to freak out and go home.

They all get ready and go to the fundraiser. They arrange conga line style and Pauly orchestrates them with his megaphone to chant their Angelina song while they fist pump out the door. Except now it sounds like Angelina-Ain’t-Got-Pounded-Out-In-A-Long-Time. Is that what they were always saying? Did I accidentally correct their grammar in my head because my poor, fragile ears could not take it? Angelina is joyously chanting along, because “it’s true”.

The back of Vin’s shirt says Keto Guido, which makes this maybe his 11th shirt that is Keto-related. Pauly’s says Prank War Champion. I can’t see anyone else’s yet. The event is for Be The Match and they encourage people to donate cash and sign up to see if they’re a possible donor for the database, which is pretty cool. Danny shows up and made all the shirts for the event. Everyone’s families show up. Ron’s giving away Won Won Juice. Then Ang’s fiancé shows up and Vinny gets super jealous and is all, “no it’s not awkward, everything’s cool,” and then decides to organize everyone to do the Angelina chant on stage in front of  said fiancé. That’s just cruel.

Yeah Vin, you’re definitely not trying to ruin their relationship. Pauly starts DJ-ing.  Vin is hosting the live auction and gets everyone up on stage. Ron’s shirt says Spiral Squad. The first auction item: Touch Pauly D’s blowout. Some chick straightup pays $875 to touch his hair. Where do these thots get so much spending money?

Next item: Take a shot with Snooki. Are they aware they can just hang around any bar in Jersey and do this for free? According to Snooks, she’s now a “floor-amplithist”. So many people bid on this that Snooki has to take like 9 shots which is 100% how she will die of alcohol poisoning. She’s a tiny thing, she weighs like 11 pounds. Vinny calls her a work of art (but when I take 9 shots in a row I’m “bordering on alcoholism”… ok). Snooks does it and raises $2,400.

Jenni’s contribution is to dance with someone. She raises $840. Angelina has a trash bag race and gets $725. Ronnie arm wrestles for $900, Mike has a meatball eating contest for $1,200. Like wtf Mike, you could have paid your taxes if you knew this was what the people wanted.

You might think that Vinny is so involved with raising money for a great cause that he forgets he’s a petty, petty bitch. You would be wrong. Because that’s when Vinny decides to broadcast via microphone to everyone that Angelina’s sex life sucks.

Jenni:  might as well go on to her fourth engagement because this isn’t going to last after that song.

Vinny then coerces the crowd into a chant directly to Chris that ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. Chris looks humiliated and Vinny is super pleased with himself. They raised $40,145, which is crazy but also awesome.

They’re all like, everything is sunshine and rainbows, we’re ending on a high note, blah blah blah. This is boring af. And then it just ends. They finish the episode with “in memory of” Deena’s father and Vin’s uncle and it’s all just a bit too WHOLESOME for me. But like, good for you guys.

And just like that we’re free of the horrors of the Jersey Shore for probably like three weeks before it starts again because MTV does not want us to be free. Let me know what you thought of this season in the comments, and if you’ll be back for season 3! Now if you need me I’m going to pound shots.

Images: Giphy; MTV