Sometimes, the news doesn’t have to be groundbreaking. Sometimes, it doesn’t surprise you, but it does entertain and add a little color to your life. At least, that’s how my life has changed after reading Ivanka Trump’s former best friend’s essay in Vanity Fair—which is to say it hasn’t changed at all, but I feel moderately entertained, at least. Lysandra Ohrstrom (I swear, rich people’s names just sound fictional) decided to finally break her silence (now that Trump is no longer President) and blow up the perfectly Botoxed facade Ivanka Trump presents to the world (by recounting a number of petty middle school anecdotes from their past). We learn that Ivanka was, basically, a spoiled and bratty rich kid. *Gasp* that Ivanka? Never!
Still, for someone who seems to make an effort to never let slip to the public what she’s really like, what Ohrstrom had to reveal was pretty funny. Let’s get the best one out of the way: the errant fart. Lysandra writes, “One of the earliest memories I have of Ivanka from before we were friends is when she blamed a fart on a classmate.” Quelle horreur! Let he who has never played the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” game cast the first stone. I don’t think Lysandra meant to do this literally, but it’s funny to know that Ivanka has always been a sh*thead.
Ivanka upon discovering the jig is up and the world now knows she does, indeed, fart:
Why did we stop at the fart, though? I need to know more. Did Ivanka ever get out of gym class by faking her period? Did she ever pick her nose but tell people she was simply scratching an itch on the inside of her nostril? They say where there’s smoke there’s fire, and I have a feeling that cloud of smoke is only the tip of the iceberg.
Lysandra throws out a lot of accusations against Ivanka, but perhaps none is more damaging than the insinuation that she indulged in fast food and swear words: “She always stopped at McDonald’s for cheeseburgers. She cursed.” I will say, all that McDonald’s probably didn’t help with the farting.
But one of my favorite bombshells has got to be this: “She never wore a Halloween costume that wasn’t flattering, which means she usually showed up at costume parties looking beautiful and boring.” Ah yes, the woman who scored invites to the Met Gala, was photographed in magazines even as an adolescent, and launched a shoe line is… vain? No, no that can’t be. It simply does not track with the rest of her character! Also, I feel like “beautiful and boring” isn’t that sick of a burn. Most of us aren’t even beautiful.
Another time, Lysandra recommended Ivanka read Empire Falls, a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel about a diner manager in Maine. Ivanka said, “Ly, why would you tell me to read a book about f*cking poor people? What part of you thinks I would be interested in this?” Tbh, Ivanka has a fair point here. She’s never exactly been known for caring about the less fortunate, and earlier this year, The Financial Times wrote about her “let them eat cake economics,” dragging her for her suggestion that the millions of Americans left jobless during the pandemic “find something new.” At least her brand is consistent.
She would also point out wealth inconsistencies in movies: “‘Since when can a teacher afford a BMW?’ she would ask, munching on her usual small popcorn, coated in what would be an unpalatable amount of salt to a normal person. Or, ‘Why is a police officer living in a house like that?'” I know this is not the detail I’m supposed to focus on, but I’m not over the salt thing. I know everyone’s joked about the Trumps having covid because they don’t have taste, but…
Then, after the farting incident, Lysandra recalls, “Some time later, she goaded me and a few other girls into flashing our breasts out the window of our classroom in what has since been labelled the ‘flashing the hot dog man’ incident in Chapin lore.” I have a lot of questions, like who was the hot dog man? Why can’t this elite group of children come up with more imaginative names for their urban legends? Anyway, Ivanka was basically the mastermind behind the Flashing The Hot Dog Man Incident™ but lied to the headmistress and got off scot-free while everyone else was suspended. Weird, because we know Ivanka’s family to be firmly committed to the truth.
Overall, if you want to be shocked, this Vanity Fair read probably won’t do that for you. If you want more confirmation that a sh*tty rich person has always, in fact, been a sh*tty rich person, then yeah, this will give you that. Now all we need is a first-person narrative of the person who got blamed for her fart and how that moment impacted their life, and then I hope we can be done with this family for good.
Images: Joe Raedle/Getty Images; Giphy
Considering that we’re still in the midst of a global pandemic, most of us aren’t taking any trips right now. Depending where you live, maybe you can eat outside at a restaurant or go to the mall, but even that sounds nerve-wracking at the moment. But you know who doesn’t have any issue with non-essential travel right now? Ding ding ding! It’s the Trumps!
Wednesday marked the scheduled launch of the SpaceX Falcon 9 Rocket, a joint venture between Elon Musk’s company and NASA. (Not to be confused with the launch of X Æ A-12, which happened a few weeks ago.) It was to be the first astronaut launch from US soil in nearly a decade, so it’s kind of a big deal. And naturally, Donald Trump didn’t let a little pandemic get in the way of some historic rocket thing. He traveled down to the Kennedy Space Center, along with Melania, Mike Pence, Ivanka and Jared, and their kids.
Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t seem strange, but earlier this month, NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine literally begged people to watch the launch from home. During a remote press conferenc, Bridenstine said that in an effort to “keep everybody safe,” “we’re asking people not to travel to the Kennedy Space Center.” But we all know rules don’t apply to Ivanka and Jared, so they traveled anyway. In photos from their visit, Ivanka and the kids are wearing masks, but Jared apparently missed the whole *coronavirus* memo.
Luckily, Jared doesn’t spread viruses like humans do. pic.twitter.com/f2zpA6xoad
— Schooley (@Rschooley) May 27, 2020
But what makes this whole thing especially ridiculous? The rocket launch didn’t even happen! Due to inclement weather, the planned launch was canceled just 17 minutes in advance, and rescheduled to next week. So after all that unnecessary risk, Ivanka didn’t even get to see anything cool. She seemed pretty bummed, and tweeted this afterward:
The launch of the SpaceX Crew Dragon to the ISS was scrubbed 17 minutes before the scheduled launch due to inclement weather.
Leaving Kennedy Space Center now … disappointing, but safety first!
Launch will be rescheduled! 🇺🇸
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) May 27, 2020
Cute that she’s focused on safety when it comes to the rocket, but she apparently has no regard for the countless people that could potentially be harmed by her careless traveling. Of course, it’s not the first time that Ivanka has traveled during these socially distant times, but at least last time was for a religious holiday. Flying hundreds of miles to see a spaceship launch seems kind of dumb in the first place, and it’s certainly not worth the risk right now.
The new launch date is set for next Monday, and President Trump has already confirmed he’ll return to the Kennedy Space Center to see it in person. So kind of him to find a break in his golf schedule to make another unnecessary trip! It’s unclear whether Ivanka and her fam will be returning next week, but it’s clear she’s not doing much else right now, so my money is on yes.
Images: a katz / Shutterstock.comrschooley, ivankatrump / Twitter
Whenever guidelines that only really work if we all follow them are put in place, there’s always that one bitch who thinks they are above it all and ruins it for everyone. Have I ever been this bitch? I mean, on a class field trip to D.C. where the chaperones said we’d all get ice cream at the end if we were well behaved, but then I went and tried to get a stranger to buy me a pack of cigarettes and got caught…sure. But, as a grown-ass woman during a pandemic when we’re being told to stay home so more people don’t die? Nah, I’m good there.
You know who’s not good, though? Ivanka Trump.
The federal government — you know, the one run by Ivanka’s dad — has urged people to refrain from any nonessential travel, but Ivanka didn’t seem to take that to heart when she traveled with her family from Washington to celebrate Passover in Bedminster, New Jersey.
New Jersey is one of the country’s hot spots for coronavirus, having the second-highest number of reported deaths in the country. So, while traveling there is still legal, it’s not exactly responsible.
Plus, when Ivanka travels, she has to bring Secret Service with her, and her trip requires local law enforcement to be on duty. So, she is forcing these people to work in a dangerous situation for her. Cute!
While Ivanka’s husband, White House advisor Jared Kushner, has returned to D.C., the rest of the family reportedly remains in New Jersey.
Wanting to spend a holiday with family is totally understandable. Shit, I wish I could see my parents right tf now. I miss them and want a hug from them to help me feel better during these trying times. But, I live in New York, the major hot spot for COVID-19, and traveling from here to go see them in Maine would be irresponsible and dangerous. So, I’m posted up in my tiny New York apartment with all four of my roommates.
It’s called civic duty, Ivanka, look it up.
Plus, Ivanka is a public figure, so she has a responsibility to set an example for the rest of the country — pockets of which are raging against their state’s stay at home orders. She seemed to acknowledge this last month when she tweeted “Social distancing saves lives!” and asked followers to “Please do your part. We are all in this together.”
In these toughest of times, America shows her spirit and strength. This will end and we will emerge stronger than ever before.
In the meantime, social distancing saves lives! Please do your part. We are all in this together. 💛
[Part 1] pic.twitter.com/iYzMunLJyO
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) March 30, 2020
It’s near impossible to convince people they should be staying home while refusing to practice that advice yourself. If they see leaders traveling, it will make them wonder, “Why shouldn’t I be able to, then?”
As we’ve seen from the protests in Michigan — where people are taking to the streets and demanding that businesses reopen — that people are already having a hard time understanding that it’s important to stay home. So, we need our leaders to, get this, *lead* by example. And traveling to one of the hot spots for a holiday doesn’t cut it.
Images: Giphy ( @election2016, @tkyle)
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There’s a reason I write Photoshop Fails and not The Sup newsletter. It’s because I have no idea what’s going on in the world, ever, and I need to read The Sup to have it explained to me in small words. I mean, I educate myself when it’s time to vote and do my civic duty, but other than that, I find it super depressing to keep up with the news, especially now. And it’s dull. Like, even if we have the exact same political opinions, I STILL do not want to hear you talk about it, or even worse, ruin my happy hour with it. It’s boring and mostly awful information. Shut the f*ck up. Also, do you notice the people most excited to share their political views are the ones no one ever asks? I’m telling you this because I really do not care about your political views and your political comments. This series is about one thing, and that is brazen misuse of Facetune, people.
And with that, I bring you Ivanka Trump.
I have nothing nice to say so I just won’t. But, we get to play my favorite game, which is: what’s wrong with this picture?
Look, I realize this photo was taken in Portrait mode, and that can blur up a background. So like, I don’t find fault with the fact that the water isn’t blurry in between her body and arm, for example, because that clearly wasn’t picked up as background by the camera for Portrait mode. Although I do think the water lines look particularly parallel and unnatural. But what I can find fault with is that IVANKA CHANGED THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE F*CKING TAJ MAHAL!
Guys, what the actual f*ck? Ivanka has used Facetune to alter this image and the huge, iconic pool in front of the Taj Mahal is now wavy, and bulging in weird places, and even dips down right where Ivanka’s waist is. I drew a straight line underneath so you can see how off it is. Here’s the thing, even if the camera angle wasn’t perfectly straight, the line would be tilted but still straight. Not bulging and cutting out in *convenient* places!
And in case you think it’s just the pool or the angle, here’s another photo Ivanka posted:
That’s a straight pool. So why would Ivanka decided to warp the pool lines just for fun and around her waist for absolutely no reason? Well, she wouldn’t. She clearly edited this photo to make herself look like the sickly, unrealistic Instagram models we all know are lying liars who lie about their bodies. Ivanka is also really thin, so I’m not sure why she would bother, but yet, I feel this way about almost everyone who does this. It really never seems to be actually overweight/out of shape people who do the heavy editing, right? It’s always these totally thin girls that want to look emaciated. I don’t get it, but here we are.
So for those of you who want to fight me on this, and claim “It’S tHe AnGLeS”, I have some news for you.
We’ve GOT RECEIPTS.
Hate to break it to you guys, but that’s a straight f*cking pool. And I can’t help but notice something else.
Although to be completely fair here, these photos are taken at different angles. But even still, Ivanka is clearly way, way, thinner in her own, wonky pool version. She goes from a fit, normal, thin woman to scary Barbie doll with a waist smaller than her head.
Ooookay, Ivanka.
So, this just goes to show, it doesn’t matter if you’re in The White House or trying to sell laxative tea on Instagram, inconsistent background lines only mean one thing: LIES.
I’d say I expect more from a public figure leading our country, but let’s be real, this is the least of the Trump family’s offenses. Maybe she should show her dad Facetune, and he’d waste his time making himself look pretty instead of causing a World War via Twitter?
Did you guys spot the Fail immediately? Are you surprised Ivanka Facetunes—especially to make her already thin waist even thinner? Does anyone think these bobblehead bodies on social media are real? How do you shut up your politics-ranting friends at happy hour (seriously, I need tips)?
Images: MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images; ivanktatrump / Instagram; Giphy
Another day, another incredibly racist policy put forth by the Trump administration.
Yesterday, it was announced that starting in October, legal immigrants to the United States will basically be given a wealth test determining if they can stay in the country. Tests are already awful and stressful, but this one feels particularly so.
Poor immigrants who are seeking permanent legal status aka a green card will be denied if they’re seen as more likely to use public government assistance. That includes food stamps, Medicaid, and subsidized housing to name a few. Also, for what it’s worth, being on those things doesn’t necessarily make you poor. School teachers often are eligible to be on food stamps over the summer when they’re not receiving monthly paychecks. But even more importantly, being poor doesn’t make you not worthy of seeking a new life for yourself.
We need to get Cher Horowitz in here STAT to remind this administration that the statue of liberty says “Give me your tired, your poor.” Maybe they’ll listen to her because she’s blonde like all of their favorite Fox News zombies.
So what does this cruel test entail? Here’s a basic cheat sheet. If you’re on private insurance and/or have an annual income 250% greater than the general poverty line and/or can prove you won’t use public benefits in the future, you might be able to pass. But also, it might just be on the whim on immigration officials, so I guess like pray that they woke up in a non-racist mood?
Kenneth Cuccinelli, the acting director of the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services, said that this new policy will ensure that new immigrants to the US are self-sufficient and won’t be a “drain on society.” When NPR Morning Edition host pointed out that the Statue of Liberty welcomes the “poor,” Cuccinelli proposed a rewording: “Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet, and who will not become a public charge,” said. He really said that.
One can’t help but notice his Italian sounding last name, Cuccinelli, and wonder the financial standing of his ancestors when they made their way to the US. But we all know that this isn’t an attack on Italians or immigrants from other European nations.
This is, of course, a blatant assault on brown and black immigrants who are often coming from country’s less financially stable than the United States. Trump has made it incredibly clear what he thinks of those places.
Critics of the policy are saying it could dissuade immigrants who are legally in this country from seeking medical or housing benefits out of fear it’ll affect their assessment. That of course, only puts them in more dire situations instead of giving them the potential to improve their financial standing.
All in all, it’s a un-American assessment that is targeting law-abiding immigrants for not being able to afford the tacky luxury items Ivanka adorns herself with. It’s a shameful day for our country, lining up behind all the other shameful days this administration has put us through.
I’m a writer living in New York City, so obviously I’m obsessed with therapy. And two incontrovertible truths my shrink has told me? One: using humor as a defense mechanism to compensate for my emotional unavailability is only f*cking up any of my chances at a healthy, intimate relationship, thus making me destined for crippling loneliness. Two: parents are the sole reason that anyone is so f*cked up. It’s evident that mommy and daddy issues are the lifeblood of petty drama on a public scale, toxic celebrity relationships, and reality television. We love that sh*t at Betches. So let’s all raise a vodka soda to awful parents of celebrities. I’ve rounded up who I deem to be the worst celebrity parents, but be sure not to drink too much because that could mess with your antidepressants!
1. Stephen Baldwin
Dads can be so embarrassing. One time I was at a really chic, celebrity-studded spot and Hailey Baldwin was there with her dad. She looked gorgeous, tastefully dressed, and was absolutely flawless in person, whereas her dad was wearing a trucker hat and what I believe were board shorts. I thought it was bad when I went to a Halloween party when I was little with my dad dressed up like my mom. But trust me, what Stephen did to Hailey was ten times more embarrassing.
He also was recently out to lunch with Hailey and Justin when the newlyweds got into a tiff. Color me shocked that two crazy kids who barely dated before they got married are already having trouble in paradise. Onlookers noted that Stephen facilitated in resolving the situation, and then smacked Justin on the a**. Look, a lot of us want to grab Justin’s a**, but a lot of us aren’t creepy enough to actually go there. And if Stephen playing grab-the-booty with his son-in-law isn’t proof enough that he’s a mortifying dad, peep this Instagram video and tell me this isn’t enough incriminating evidence to get emancipated:
The f*ck did I just watch?
2. Dina Lohan
Dina Lohan really loves her kids. Like, really, really loves her kids. See?
View this post on Instagram
Parent Trap #lindsaylohan #dinalohan #maternalinstinct #appledoesntfallfar #fbf
It’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan played Cady Heron in Mean Girls when she had Regina George’s mom in real life. That is if Regina George’s mom allowed underage girls to drink inside a house that hosted happy hour 24 hours a day. Dina is known to go out clubbing with Lindsay, whose substance abuse issues have previously landed her in jail. Maybe not the best idea to blatantly enable your daughter that way? IDK, I don’t have kids. I’m just spitballing ideas here.
Dina also had a failed reality show called Living Lohan. It was about her trying to get her youngest daughter Ali’s career off the ground. Critics lambasted Dina, calling it “exploitative” and “trashy”. Most reality television is exploitative and trashy, but Dina somehow managed to make it completely unwatchable. The only redeeming quality about Dina is that one time she met my ex-best friend at Starbucks and told her that she resembled her daughter when her daughter was at her peak crackhead phase.
3. Joe Simpson
In classic Donald Trump fashion, father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson just loves to talk about his daughter’s bodies, specifically Jessica’s. Joe was quoted in a 2004 article for GQ saying, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got DOUBLE Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up!” That’s totally normal praise any father would give their daughter? Right???
In 2012, Simpson was caught cheating on his wife of 34 years with an aspiring male model, Bryce Chandler Hill. Hill was only 21 at the time (younger than both his daughters) and Simpson was 54. The two were introduced by a mutual friend of Ashlee and Jessica, so it doesn’t quite get more f*cked up than that. The affair allegedly went on for a year, but Simpson still denies all rumors about being gay to this day.
To top this all off, Simpson also had his Twitter account “hacked” back in 2014. For the hour he was locked out, his account posted over 40 tweets claiming that he was a child molester. That couples well with being accused of fitting your daughter for her training bra. Can someone say dad of the year?
4. Billy Ray Cyrus
Okay, we all try to forget, but remember when Miley went through her awful phase? Like broke-up-with-Liam-twerked-on-giant-stuffed-animals-and-made-trash-music phase? Yeah, that wasn’t her fault. Ask any shrink out there, and they will tell you that your nasty skank phase is your parents’ fault. Miley even came forward and said Hannah Montana really f*cked her up. And who was instrumental in that? Her father.
I mean, Jesus Christ, not only did he play a stage parent, he played her father on the show and had the world’s most annoying catchphrases. Billy Ray later came forward and said the show ruined his family. Um, you’re an adult who should have his children’s best interest at heart. Miley was a clueless kid, so why’d you do it in the first place? Billy Ray is a one-hit wonder who piggybacked off his daughter’s fame 10 years ago. So he’s got loads of time on his hands. Maybe he should use that time to parent instead of posting sh*t on Twitter that only a teenage girl would post.
Much to think about. pic.twitter.com/8Er6a0qANY
— Billy Ray Cyrus (@billyraycyrus) June 9, 2015
5. Donald Trump
Look, every parent has a favorite kid, but good parents just refuse to admit it. Yet Donald Trump admitted that Tiffany is the daughter that he’s “less proud of.” Um, Tiffany is the only adult kid of his that probably isn’t going to be indicted for treason or whatever, so maybe take it easy on her.
His son Donald Trump Jr. is also probably going to be indicted because he was doing his father’s bidding. And besides Ivanka and her husband Jared’s legal transgressions, let’s focus on the fact that Donald seems to have the creepiest relationship on the planet with her. He once said she has a nice enough figure to be featured in Playboy. He also frequently makes comments about how hot her body is. Just like any dad would. He even went as far as to say that he would totally date her if he weren’t her father. Did Southern states vote for Trump because he’s just as chill with incest as they are? (LOL is that too far?) From being a father and husband to a businessman to the president to a decent human being, Donald Trump is clearly a horrific person on every level. But remember Hillary’s emails, though?
Images: (@stephenbaldwin7/Instagram; @sassyskips/Instagram; @charliercollection/Instagram; @billyrayecyrus/Twitter)
In today’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kountry, our girl Kim Kardashian is fighting for criminal justice reform again. Fresh off of helping to free Alice Marie Johnson, a grandmother who spent more than 20 years in prison for a first time, non-violent drug offense, Kardashian is continuing to work with Jarvanka and President Donald Trump to change our f*cked up prison system. Basically, Trump only listens to reality stars now. Can we please send Hulk Hogan to yell at him about Puerto Rico?
On Friday, Mic released an exclusive interview with Kardashian about her work as a clemency advocate. It seems that, since she’s gotten a taste of fighting the good fight, no controversial appetite suppressing lollipops can stop her hunger for more. Kardashian told Mic that she’s currently working to free Chris Young, who was sentenced to life without parole for a nonviolent drug offense because of federal mandatory minimum requirements. Young’s sentence was so unfair that Kevin Sharp, the judge who was bound by law to give it, later stepped down from the bench in part because of Young’s case.
Ep. 18: For Kim Kardashian West, criminal justice reform "can't stop at one person"
Months after successfully petitioning President Donald J. Trump to free Alice Marie Johnson from prison, Kim Kardashian West sits down with Mic co-founder Jake Horowitz to discuss why her new role as a clemency advocate is only just beginning. She shares her plans to free another person incarcerated for low-level drug offenses and responds to critics knocking her for working with the president. New episodes of Mic Dispatch air Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m. Eastern. Follow Mic Dispatch on Facebook Watch to continue to dive beyond the headlines.
Posted by Mic Dispatch on Thursday, September 13, 2018
Young joined in on the interview over the phone, saying, about prisoners, “The main thing I would like people to know is that we’re human. We’re not inanimate objects. We’re conscious, we’re sentient beings that should get treated like it.” Cool, it’s so great that a man like that is supposed to spend his whole life behind bars while, say, Donald Trump Jr. (AKA “The Collusion Kid”) gets to gallivant around, sitting on tree stumps and being a total ass on Twitter.
tree son pic.twitter.com/Ul0um6zUBN
— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) September 5, 2018
Speaking of the Trump family, some people are upset that Kardashian would work on such a worthy cause with such unworthy allies. Is Trump just using Kardashian to make himself look better because he’s screwing up like every other thing he does? To that, Kardashian said in the Mic interview, “I truly think it is a genuine commitment . But let’s say it’s not. It’s still helping a lot of people and getting people out.” Meanwhile, CNN host and criminal justice reform advocate Van Jones, who joined in the interview, added, “Who loses if we decide that because Trump is so objectionable on 99 other issues, we won’t help the prisoners? The prisoners lose.”
Anyways, watch the whole interview before you flip back to your regular dose of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. You’ll remember you did when Kim inevitably becomes president in 2024.
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American Jobs
Families
My ♥️! #SundayMorning pic.twitter.com/CN5iXutE5Q
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) May 27, 2018
Women
The LGBTQ Community
Climate Change
Refugees
— Ivanka Trump (@IvankaTrump) January 29, 2017
